The Complete Plays

by Aristophanes

  BDELYCLEON. May I die if you frighten me.

  CHORUS. Never have I heard speech so elegant or so sensible.

  PHILOCLEON. Ah! he thought he had only to turn me round his finger; he should, however, have known the vigour of my eloquence.

  CHORUS. He has said everything without omission. I felt myself grow taller while I listened to him. Methought myself meting out justice in the Islands of the Blest, so much was I taken with the charm of his words.

  BDELYCLEON. How overjoyed they are! What extravagant delight! Ah! ah! you are going to get a thrashing to-day.

  CHORUS. Come, plot everything you can to beat him; ’tis not easy to soften me if you do not talk on my side, and if you have nothing but nonsense to spout, ’tis time to buy a good millstone, freshly cut withal, to crush my anger.

  BDELYCLEON. The cure of a disease, so inveterate and so widespread in

  Athens, is a difficult task and of too great importance for the scope of

  Comedy. Nevertheless, my old father….

  PHILOCLEON. Cease to call me by that name, for, if you do not prove me a slave and that quickly too, you must die by my hand, even if I must be deprived of my share in the sacred feasts.

  BDELYCLEON. Listen to me, dear little father, unruffle that frowning brow and reckon, you can do so without trouble, not with pebbles, but on your fingers, what is the sum-total of the tribute paid by the allied towns; besides this we have the direct imposts, a mass of percentage dues, the fees of the courts of justice, the produce from the mines, the markets, the harbours, the public lands and the confiscations. All these together amount to close on two thousand talents. Take from this sum the annual pay of the dicasts; they number six thousand, and there have never been more in this town; so therefore it is one hundred and fifty talents that come to you.

  PHILOCLEON. What! our pay is not even a tithe of the State revenue?

  BDELYCLEON. Why no, certainly not.

  PHILOCLEON. And where does the rest go then?

  BDELYCLEON. To those who say: “I shall never betray the interests of the masses; I shall always fight for the people.” And ’tis you, father, who let yourself be caught with their fine talk, who give them all power over yourself. They are the men who extort fifty talents at a time by threat and intimidation from the allies. “Pay tribute to me,” they say, “or I shall loose the lightning on your town and destroy it.” And you, you are content to gnaw the crumbs of your own might. What do the allies do? They see that the Athenian mob lives on the tribunal in niggard and miserable fashion, and they count you for nothing, for not more than the vote of Connus; ’tis on those wretches that they lavish everything, dishes of salt fish, wine, tapestries, cheese, honey, sesame-fruit, cushions, flagons, rich clothing, chaplets, necklets, drinking-cups, all that yields pleasure and health. And you, their master, to you as a reward for all your toil both on land and sea, nothing is given, not even a clove of garlic to eat with your little fish.

  PHILOCLEON. No, undoubtedly not; I have had to send and buy some from Eucharides. But you told me I was a slave. Prove it then, for I am dying with impatience.

  BDELYCLEON. Is it not the worst of all slaveries to see all these wretches and their flatterers, whom they gorge with gold, at the head of affairs? As for you, you are content with the three obols they give you and which you have so painfully earned in the galleys, in battles and sieges. But what I stomach least is that you go to sit on the tribunal by order. Some lewd stripling, the son of Chereas, to wit, enters your house balancing his body, rotten with debauchery, on his straddling legs and charges you to come and judge at daybreak, and precisely to the minute. “He who only presents himself after the opening of the Court,” says he, “will not get the triobolus.” But he himself, though he arrives late, will nevertheless get his drachma as a public advocate. If an accused man makes him some present, he shares it with a colleague and the pair agree to arrange the matter like two sawyers, one of whom pulls and the other pushes. As for you, you have only eyes for the public pay-clerk, and you see nothing.

  PHILOCLEON. Can it be I am treated thus? Oh! what is it you are saying? You stir me to the bottom of my heart! I am all ears! I cannot syllable what I feel.

  BDELYCLEON. Consider then; you might be rich, both you and all the others; I know not why you let yourself be fooled by these folk who call themselves the people’s friends. A myriad of towns obey you, from the Euxine to Sardis. What do you gain thereby? Nothing but this miserable pay, and even that is like the oil with which the flock of wool is impregnated and is doled to you drop by drop, just enough to keep you from dying of hunger. They want you to be poor, and I will tell you why. ’Tis so that you may know only those who nourish you, and so that, if it pleases them to loose you against one of their foes, you shall leap upon him with fury. If they wished to assure the well-being of the people, nothing would be easier for them. We have now a thousand towns that pay us tribute; let them command each of these to feed twenty Athenians; then twenty thousand of our citizens would be eating nothing but hare, would drink nothing but the purest of milk, and always crowned with garlands, would be enjoying the delights to which the great name of their country and the trophies of Marathon give them the right; whereas to-day you are like the hired labourers who gather the olives; you follow him who pays you.

  PHILOCLEON. Alas! my hand is benumbed; I can no longer draw my sword.

  What has become of my strength?

  BDELYCLEON. When they are afraid, they promise to divide Euboea among you and to give each fifty bushels of wheat, but what have they given you? Nothing excepting, quite recently, five bushels of barley, and even these you have only obtained with great difficulty, on proving you were not aliens, and then choenix by choenix. That is why I always kept you shut in; I wanted you to be fed by me and no longer at the beck of these blustering braggarts. Even now I am ready to let you have all you want, provided you no longer let yourself be suckled by the pay-clerk.

  CHORUS. He was right who said, “Decide nothing till you have heard both sides,” for it seems to me, that ’tis you who now gain the complete victory. My wrath is appeased, I throw away my sticks. Come, comrade, our contemporary, let yourself be gained over by his words; come, do not be too obstinate or too perverse. Why have I no relation, no ally to speak to me like this? Do not doubt it, ’tis a god who is now protecting you and loading you with his benefits. Accept them.

  BDELYCLEON. I will feed him, I will give him everything that is suitable for an old man, oatmeal gruel, a cloak, soft furs and a maid to rub his loins and play with his tool. But he is silent and utters not a word; ’tis a bad sign.

  CHORUS. He has thought the thing over and has recognized his folly; he reproaches himself for not having followed your advice always. But there he is, converted by your words, and has no doubt become wiser to alter his ways in future and to believe in none but you.

  PHILOCLEON. Alas! alas!

  BDELYCLEON. Now why this lamentation?

  PHILOCLEON. A truce to your promises! What I love is down there, ’tis down there I want to be, there, where the herald cries, “Who has not yet voted? Let him rise!” I want to be the last to leave the urn of all. Oh, my soul, my soul! where art thou? come! oh! dark shadows, make way for me! By Heracles, may I reach the Court in time to convict Cleon of theft.

  BDELYCLEON. Come, father, in the name of the gods, believe me!

  PHILOCLEON. Believe you! Ask me anything, anything, except one.

  BDELYCLEON. What is it? Let us hear.

  PHILOCLEON. Not to judge any more! Before I consent, I shall have appeared before Pluto.

  BDELYCLEON. Very well then, since you find so much pleasure in it, go down there no more, but stay here and deal out justice to your slaves.

  PHILOCLEON. But what is there to judge? Are you mad?

  BDELYCLEON. Everything as in a tribunal. If a servant opens a door secretly, you inflict upon him a simple fine; ’tis what you have repeatedly done down there. Everything can be arranged to suit you. If i
t is warm in the morning, you can judge in the sunlight; if it is snowing, then seated at your fire; if it rains, you go indoors; and if you only rise at noon, there will be no Thesmothetes to exclude you from the precincts.

  PHILOCLEON. The notion pleases me.

  BDELYCLEON. Moreover, if a pleader is long-winded, you will not be fasting and chafing and seeking vengeance on the accused.

  PHILOCLEON. But could I judge as well with my mouth full?

  BDELYCLEON. Much better. Is it not said, that the dicasts, when deceived by lying witnesses, have need to ruminate well in order to arrive at the truth?

  PHILOCLEON. Well said, but you have not told me yet who will pay salary.

  BDELYCLEON. I will.

  PHILOCLEON. So much the better; in this way I shall be paid by myself. Because that cursed jester, Lysistratus, played me an infamous trick the other day. He received a drachma for the two of us and went on the fish-market to get it changed and then brought me back three mullet scales. I took them for obols and crammed them into my mouth; but the smell choked me and I quickly spat them out. So I dragged him before the Court.

  BDELYCLEON. And what did he say to that?

  PHILOCLEON. Well, he pretended I had the stomach of a cock. “You have soon digested the money,” he said with a laugh.

  BDELYCLEON. You see, that is yet another advantage.

  PHILOCLEON. And no small one either. Come, do as you will.

  BDELYCLEON. Wait! I will bring everything here.

  PHILOCLEON. You see, the oracles are coming true; I have heard it foretold, that one day the Athenians would dispense justice in their own houses, that each citizen would have himself a little tribunal constructed in his porch similar to the altars of Hecaté, and that there would be such before every door.

  BDELYCLEON. Hold! what do you say? I have brought you everything needful and much more into the bargain. See, here is an article, should you want to piss; it shall be hung beside you on a nail.

  PHILOCLEON. Good idea! Right useful at my age. You have found the true preventive of bladder troubles.

  BDELYCLEON. Here is fire, and near to it are lentils, should you want to take a snack.

  PHILOCLEON. ’Tis admirably arranged. For thus, even when feverish, I shall nevertheless receive my pay; and besides, I could eat my lentils without quitting my seat. But why this cock?

  BDELYCLEON. So that, should you doze during some pleading, he may awaken you by crowing up there.

  PHILOCLEON. I want only for one thing more; all the rest is as good as can be.

  BDELYCLEON. What is that?

  PHILOCLEON. If only they could bring me an image of the hero Lycus.

  BDELYCLEON. Here it is! Why, you might think it was the god himself!

  PHILOCLEON. Oh! hero, my master! how repulsive you are to look at! ’Tis an exact portrait of Cleonymus!

  SOSIAS. That is why, hero though he be, he has no weapon.

  BDELYCLEON. The sooner you take your seat, the sooner I shall call a case.

  PHILOCLEON. Call it, for I have been seated ever so long.

  BDELYCLEON. Let us see. What case shall we bring up first? Is there a slave who has done something wrong? Ah! you Thracian there, who burnt the stew-pot t’other day.

  PHILOCLEON. Hold, hold! Here is a fine state of things! you had almost made me judge without a bar, and that is the thing of all others most sacred among us.

  BDELYCLEON. By Zeus! I had forgotten it, but I will run indoors and bring you one immediately. What is this after all, though, but mere force of habit!

  XANTHIAS. Plague take the brute! Can anyone keep such a dog?

  BDELYCLEON. Hullo! what’s the matter?

  XANTHIAS. Why, ’tis Labes, who has just rushed into the kitchen and has seized a whole Sicilian cheese and gobbled it up.

  BDELYCLEON. Good! this will be the first offence I shall make my father try. (To Xanthias.) Come along and lay your accusation.

  XANTHIAS. No, not I; the other dog vows he will be accuser, if the matter is set down for trial.

  BDELYCLEON. Well then, bring them both along.

  XANTHIAS. I am coming.

  PHILOCLEON. What is this?

  BDELYCLEON. ’Tis the pig-trough of the swine dedicated to Hestia.

  PHILOCLEON. But it’s sacrilege to bring it here.

  BDELYCLEON. No, no, by addressing Hestia first, I might, thanks to her, crush an adversary.

  PHILOCLEON. Put an end to delay by calling up the case. My verdict is already settled.

  BDELYCLEON. Wait! I must yet bring out the tablets and the scrolls.

  PHILOCLEON. Oh! I am boiling, I am dying with impatience at your delays.

  I could have traced the sentence in the dust.

  BDELYCLEON. There you are.

  PHILOCLEON. Then call the case.

  BDELYCLEON. I am here.

  PHILOCLEON. Firstly, who is this?

  BDELYCLEON. Ah! my god! why, this is unbearable! I have forgotten the urns.

  PHILOCLEON. Well now! where are you off to?

  BDELYCLEON. To look for the urns.

  PHILOCLEON. Unnecessary, I shall use these vases.

  BDELYCLEON. Very well, then we have all we need, except the clepsydra.

  PHILOCLEON. Well then! and this? what is it if not a clepsydra?

  BDELYCLEON. True again! ’Tis calling things by their right name! Let fire be brought quickly from the house with myrtle boughs and incense, and let us invoke the gods before opening the sitting.

  CHORUS. Offer them libations and your vows and we will thank them that a noble agreement has put an end to your bickerings and strife.

  BDELYCLEON. And first let there be a sacred silence.

  CHORUS. Oh! god of Delphi! oh! Phoebus Apollo! convert into the greatest blessing for us all what is now happening before this house, and cure us of our error, oh, Paean, our helper!

  BDELYCLEON. Oh! Powerful god, Apollo Aguieus, who watchest at the door of my entrance hall, accept this fresh sacrifice; I offer it that you may deign to soften my father’s excessive severity; he is as hard as iron, his heart is like sour wine; do thou pour into it a little honey. Let him become gentle like other men, let him take more interest in the accused than in the accusers, may he allow himself to be softened by entreaties; calm his acrid humour and deprive his irritable mind of all sting.

  CHORUS. We unite our vows and chants to those of this new magistrate. His words have won our favour and we are convinced that he loves the people more than any of the young men of the present day.

  BDELYCLEON. If there be any judge near at hand, let him enter; once the proceedings have opened, we shall admit him no more.

  PHILOCLEON. Who is the defendant? Ha! what a sentence he will get!

  XANTHIAS (Prosecuting Council). Listen to the indictment. A dog of

  Cydathenea doth hereby charge Labes of Aexonia with having devoured a

  Sicilian cheese by himself without accomplices. Penalty demanded, a

  collar of fig-tree wood.

  PHILOCLEON. Nay, a dog’s death, if convicted.

  BDELYCLEON. This is Labes, the defendant.

  PHILOCLEON. Oh! what a wretched brute! how entirely he looks the rogue! He thinks to deceive me by keeping his jaws closed. Where is the plaintiff, the dog of Cydathenea?

  DOG. Bow wow! bow wow!

  BDELYCLEON. Here he is.

  PHILOCLEON. Why, ’tis a second Labes, a great barker and a licker of dishes.

  SOSIAS (Herald). Silence! Keep your seats! (To Xanthias.) And you, up on your feet and accuse him.

  PHILOCLEON. Go on, and I will help myself and eat these lentils.

  XANTHIAS. Men of the jury, listen to this indictment I have drawn up. He has committed the blackest of crimes, both against me and the seamen. He sought refuge in a dark corner to glutton on a big Sicilian cheese, with which he sated his hunger.

  PHILOCLEON. Why, the crime is clear; the foul brute this very moment belched forth a horrible odour of cheese right under my nose.

 
; XANTHIAS. And he refused to share with me. And yet can anyone style himself your benefactor, when he does not cast a morsel to your poor dog?

  PHILOCLEON. Then he has not shared?

  XANTHIAS. Not with me, his comrade.

  PHILOCLEON. Then his madness is as hot as my lentils.

  BDELYCLEON. In the name of the gods, father! No hurried verdict without hearing the other side!

  PHILOCLEON. But the evidence is plain; the fact speaks for itself.

  XANTHIAS. Then beware of acquitting the most selfish of canine gluttons, who has devoured the whole cheese, rind and all, prowling round the platter.

  PHILOCLEON. There is not even enough left for me to fill up the chinks in my pitcher.

  XANTHIAS. Besides, you must punish him, because the same house cannot keep two thieves. Let me not have barked in vain, else I shall never bark again.

  PHILOCLEON. Oh! the black deeds he has just denounced! What a shameless thief! Say, cock, is not that your opinion too? Ha, ha! He thinks as I do. Here, Thesmothetes! where are you? Hand me the vessel.

  SOSIAS (Thesmothetes). Take it yourself. I go to call the witnesses; these are a plate, a pestle, a cheese knife, a brazier, a stew-pot and other half-burnt utensils. (To Philocleon.) But you have not finished? you are piddling away still! Have done and be seated.

  PHILOCLEON. Ha, ha! I reckon I know somebody who will shit himself with fright today.

  BDELYCLEON. Will you never cease showing yourself hard and intractable, and especially to the accused? You tear them to pieces tooth and nail.

  PHILOCLEON. Come forward and defend yourself. What means this silence?

  Answer.

  SOSIAS. No doubt he has nothing to say.

  BDELYCLEON. Not so, but I think he has got what happened once to Thucydides, when accused; his jaws suddenly set fast. Get away! I will undertake your defence. — Gentlemen of the jury, ’tis a difficult thing to speak for a dog who has been calumniated, but nevertheless I will try. ’Tis a good dog, and he chivies the wolves finely.