The Complete Plays

by Aristophanes

  DIONYSUS. Aye, and further than the bottom, an it need.

  HERACLES. And what do you want with him?

  DIONYSUS. I want a master poet; “some are dead and gone, and others are good for nothing.”

  HERACLES. Is Iophon dead then?

  DIONYSUS. He is the only good one left me, and even of him I don’t know quite what to think.

  HERACLES. Then there’s Sophocles, who is greater than Euripides; if you must absolutely bring someone back from Hades, why not make him live again?

  DIONYSUS. No, not until I have taken Iophon by himself and tested him for what he is worth. Besides, Euripides is very artful and won’t leave a stone unturned to get away with me, whereas Sophocles is as easy-going with Pluto as he was when on earth.

  HERACLES. And Agathon? Where is he?

  DIONYSUS. He has left me; ’twas a good poet and his friends regret him.

  HERACLES. And whither has the poor fellow gone?

  DIONYSUS. To the banquet of the blest.

  HERACLES. And Xenocles?

  DIONYSUS. May the plague seize him!

  HERACLES. And Pythangelus?

  XANTHIAS. They don’t say ever a word of poor me, whose shoulder is quite shattered.

  HERACLES. Is there not a crowd of other little lads, who produce tragedies by the thousand and are a thousand times more loquacious than Euripides?

  DIONYSUS. They are little sapless twigs, chatterboxes, who twitter like the swallows, destroyers of the art, whose aptitude is withered with a single piece and who sputter forth all their talent to the tragic Muse at their first attempt. But look where you will, you will not find a creative poet who gives vent to a noble thought.

  HERACLES. How creative?

  DIONYSUS. Aye, creative, who dares to risk “the ethereal dwellings of Zeus,” or “the wing of Time,” or “a heart that is above swearing by the sacred emblems,” and “a tongue that takes an oath, while yet the soul is unpledged.”

  HERACLES. Is that the kind of thing that pleases you?

  DIONYSUS. I’m more than madly fond of it.

  HERACLES. But such things are simply idiotic, you feel it yourself.

  DIONYSUS. “Don’t come trespassing on my mind; you have a brain of your own to keep thoughts in.”

  HERACLES. But nothing could be more detestable.

  DIONYSUS. Where cookery is concerned, you can be my master.

  XANTHIAS. They don’t say a thing about me!

  DIONYSUS. If I have decked myself out according to your pattern, ’tis that you may tell me, in case I should need them, all about the hosts who received you, when you journeyed to Cerberus; tell me of them as well as of the harbours, the bakeries, the brothels, the drinking-shops, the fountains, the roads, the eating-houses and of the hostels where there are the fewest bugs.

  XANTHIAS. They never speak of me.

  HERACLES. Go down to hell? Will you be ready to dare that, you madman?

  DIONYSUS. Enough of that; but tell me the shortest road, that is neither too hot nor too cold, to get down to Pluto.

  HERACLES. Let me see, what is the best road to show you? Aye, which? Ah! there’s the road of the gibbet and the rope. Go and hang yourself.

  DIONYSUS. Be silent! your road is choking me.

  HERACLES. There is another path, both very short and well-trodden; the one that goes through the mortar.

  DIONYSUS. ’Tis hemlock you mean to say.

  HERACLES. Precisely so.

  DIONYSUS. That road is both cold and icy. Your legs get frozen at once.

  HERACLES. Do you want me to tell you a very steep road, one that descends very quickly?

  DIONYSUS. Ah! with all my heart; I don’t like long walks.

  HERACLES. Go to the Ceramicus.

  DIONYSUS. And then?

  HERACLES. Mount to the top of the highest tower …

  DIONYSUS. To do what?

  HERACLES. … and there keep your eye on the torch, which is to be the signal. When the spectators demand it to be flung, fling yourself …

  DIONYSUS. Where?

  HERACLES. … down.

  DIONYSUS. But I should break the two hemispheres of my brain. Thanks for your road, but I don’t want it.

  HERACLES. But which one then?

  DIONYSUS. The one you once travelled yourself.

  HERACLES. Ah! that’s a long journey. First you will reach the edge of the vast, deep mere of Acheron.

  DIONYSUS. And how is that to be crossed?

  HERACLES. There is an ancient ferryman, Charon by name, who will pass you over in his little boat for a diobolus.

  DIONYSUS. Oh! what might the diobolus has everywhere! But however has it got as far as that?

  HERACLES. ’Twas Theseus who introduced its vogue. After that you will see snakes and all sorts of fearful monsters …

  DIONYSUS. Oh! don’t try to frighten me and make me afraid, for I am quite decided.

  HERACLES. … then a great slough with an eternal stench, a veritable cesspool, into which those are plunged who have wronged a guest, cheated a young boy out of the fee for his complaisance, beaten their mother, boxed their father’s ears, taken a false oath or transcribed some tirade of Morsimus.

  DIONYSUS. For mercy’s sake, add likewise — or learnt the Pyrrhic dance of

  Cinesias.

  HERACLES. Further on ‘twill be a gentle concert of flutes on every side, a brilliant light, just as there is here, myrtle groves, bands of happy men and women and noisy plaudits.

  DIONYSUS. Who are these happy folk?

  HERACLES. The initiate.

  XANTHIAS. And I am the ass that carries the Mysteries; but I’ve had enough of it.

  HERACLES. They will give you all the information you will need, for they

  live close to Pluto’s palace, indeed on the road that leads to it.

  Farewell, brother, and an agreeable journey to you. (He returns into his

  Temple.)

  DIONYSUS. And you, good health. Slave! take up your load again.

  XANTHIAS. Before having laid it down?

  DIONYSUS. And be quick about it too.

  XANTHIAS. Oh, no, I adjure you! Rather hire one of the dead, who is going to Hades.

  DIONYSUS. And should I not find one….

  XANTHIAS. Then you can take me.

  DIONYSUS. You talk sense. Ah! here they are just bringing a dead man along. Hi! man, ’tis you I’m addressing, you, dead fellow there! Will you carry a package to Pluto for me?

  DEAD MAN. Is’t very heavy?

  DIONYSUS. This. (He shows him the baggage, which Xanthias has laid on the ground.)

  DEAD MAN. You will pay me two drachmae.

  DIONYSUS. Oh! that’s too dear.

  DEAD MAN. Well then, bearers, move on.

  DIONYSUS. Stay, friend, so that I may bargain with you.

  DEAD MAN. Give me two drachmae, or it’s no deal.

  DIONYSUS. Hold! here are nine obols.

  DEAD MAN. I would sooner go back to earth again.

  XANTHIAS. Is that cursed rascal putting on airs? Come, then, I’ll go.

  DIONYSUS. You’re a good and noble fellow. Let us make the best of our way to the boat.

  CHARON. Ahoy, ahoy! put ashore.

  XANTHIAS. What’s that?

  DIONYSUS. Why, by Zeus, ’tis the mere of which Heracles spoke, and I see the boat.

  XANTHIAS. Ah! there’s Charon.

  DIONYSUS. Hail! Charon.

  DEAD MAN. Hail! Charon.

  CHARON. Who comes hither from the home of cares and misfortunes to rest on the banks of Lethé? Who comes to the ass’s fleece, who is for the land of the Cerberians, or the crows, or Taenarus?

  DIONYSUS. I am.

  CHARON. Get aboard quick then.

  DIONYSUS. Where will you ferry me to? Where are you going to land me?

  CHARON. In hell, if you wish. But step in, do.

  DIONYSUS. Come here, slave.

  CHARON. I carry no slave, unless he has fought at sea to save his skin.

 
; XANTHIAS. But I could not, for my eyes were bad.

  CHARON. Well then! be off and walk round the mere.

  XANTHIAS. Where shall I come to a halt?

  CHARON. At the stone of Auaenus, near the drinking-shop.

  DIONYSUS. Do you understand?

  XANTHIAS. Perfectly. Oh! unhappy wretch that I am, surely, surely I must have met something of evil omen as I came out of the house?

  CHARON. Come, sit to your oar. If there be anyone else who wants to cross, let him hurry. Hullo! what are you doing?

  DIONYSUS. What am I doing? I am sitting on the oar as you told me.

  CHARON. Will you please have the goodness to place yourself there, pot-belly?

  DIONYSUS. There.

  CHARON. Put out your hands, stretch your arms.

  DIONYSUS. There.

  CHARON. No tomfoolery! row hard, and put some heart into the work!

  DIONYSUS. Row! and how can I? I, who have never set foot on a ship?

  CHARON. There’s nothing easier; and once you’re at work, you will hear some enchanting singers.

  DIONYSUS. Who are they?

  CHARON. Frogs with the voices of swans; ’tis most delightful.

  DIONYSUS. Come, set the stroke.

  CHARON. Yo ho! yo ho!

  FROGS. Brekekekex, coax, coax, brekekekekex, coax. Slimy offspring of the marshland, let our harmonious voices mingle with the sounds of the flute, coax, coax! let us repeat the songs that we sing in honour of the Nysaean Dionysus on the day of the feast of pots, when the drunken throng reels towards our temple in the Limnae. Brekekekex, coax, coax.

  DIONYSUS. I am beginning to feel my bottom getting very sore, my dear little coax, coax.

  FROGS. Brekekekex, coax, coax.

  DIONYSUS. But doubtless you don’t care.

  FROGS. Brekekekex, coax, coax.

  DIONYSUS. May you perish with your coax, your endless coax!

  FROGS. And why change it, you great fool? I am beloved by the Muses with the melodious lyre, by the goat-footed Pan, who draws soft tones out of his reed; I am the delight of Apollo, the god of the lyre, because I make the rushes, which are used for the bridge of the lyre, grow in my marshes. Brekekekex, coax, coax.

  DIONYSUS. I have got blisters and my behind is all of a sweat; by dint of constant movement, it will soon be saying….

  FROGS. Brekekekex, coax, coax.

  DIONYSUS. Come, race of croakers, be quiet.

  FROGS. Not we; we shall only cry the louder. On fine sunny days, it pleases us to hop through galingale and sedge and to sing while we swim; and when Zeus is pouring down his rain, we join our lively voices to the rustle of the drops. Brekekekex, coax, coax.

  DIONYSUS. I forbid you to do it.

  FROGS. Oh! that would be too hard!

  DIONYSUS. And is it not harder for me to wear myself out with rowing?

  FROGS. Brekekekex, coax, coax.

  DIONYSUS. May you perish! I don’t care.

  FROGS. And from morning till night we will shriek with the whole width of our gullets, “Brekekekex, coax, coax.”

  DIONYSUS. I will cry louder than you all.

  FROGS. Oh! don’t do that!

  DIONYSUS. Oh, yes, I will. I shall cry the whole day, if necessary, until I no longer hear your coax. (He begins to cry against the frogs, who finally stop.) Ah! I knew I would soon put an end to your coax.

  CHARON. Enough, enough, a last pull, ship oars, step ashore and pay your passage money.

  DIONYSUS. Look! here are my two obols…. Xanthias! where is Xanthias?

  Hi! Xanthias!

  XANTHIAS (from a distance). Hullo!

  DIONYSUS. Come here.

  XANTHIAS. I greet you, master.

  DIONYSUS. What is there that way?

  XANTHIAS. Darkness and mud!

  DIONYSUS. Did you see the parricides and the perjured he told us of?

  XANTHIAS. Did you?

  DIONYSUS. Ha! by Posidon! I see some of them now. Well, what are we going to do?

  XANTHIAS. The best is to go on, for ’tis here that the horrible monsters are, Heracles told us of.

  DIONYSUS. Ah! the wag! He spun yarns to frighten me, but I am a brave fellow and he is jealous of me. There exists no greater braggart than Heracles. Ah! I wish I might meet some monster, so as to distinguish myself by some deed of daring worthy of my daring journey.

  XANTHIAS. Ah! hark! I hear a noise.

  DIONYSUS (all of a tremble). Where then, where?

  XANTHIAS. Behind you.

  DIONYSUS. Place yourself behind me.

  XANTHIAS. Ah! ’tis in front now.

  DIONYSUS. Then pass to the front.

  XANTHIAS. Oh! what a monster I can see!

  DIONYSUS. What’s it like?

  XANTHIAS. Dreadful, terrible! it assumes every shape; now ’tis a bull, then a mule; again it is a most beautiful woman.

  DIONYSUS. Where is she that I may run toward her?

  XANTHIAS. The monster is no longer a woman; ’tis now a dog.

  DIONYSUS. Then it is the Empusa.

  XANTHIAS. Its whole face is ablaze.

  DIONYSUS. And it has a brazen leg?

  XANTHIAS. Aye, i’ faith! and the other is an ass’s leg, rest well assured of that.

  DIONYSUS. Where shall I fly to?

  XANTHIAS. And I?

  DIONYSUS. Priest, save me, that I may drink with you.

  XANTHIAS. Oh! mighty Heracles! we are dead men.

  DIONYSUS. Silence! I adjure you. Don’t utter that name.

  XANTHIAS. Well then, we are dead men, Dionysus!

  DIONYSUS. That still less than the other.

  XANTHIAS. Keep straight on, master, here, here, this way.

  DIONYSUS. Well?

  XANTHIAS. Be at ease, all goes well and we can say with Hegelochus, “After the storm, I see the return of the cat.” The Empusa has gone.

  DIONYSUS. Swear it to me.

  XANTHIAS. By Zeus!

  DIONYSUS. Swear it again.

  XANTHIAS. By Zeus!

  DIONYSUS. Once more.

  XANTHIAS. By Zeus!

  DIONYSUS. Oh! my god! how white I went at the sight of the Empusa! But yonder fellow got red instead, so horribly afraid was he! Alas! to whom do I owe this terrible meeting? What god shall I accuse of having sought my death? Might it be “the Aether, the dwelling of Zeus,” or “the wing of Time”?

  XANTHIAS. Hist!

  DIONYSUS. What’s the matter?

  XANTHIAS. Don’t you hear?

  DIONYSUS. What then?

  XANTHIAS. The sound of flutes.

  DIONYSUS. Aye, certainly, and the wind wafts a smell of torches hither, which bespeaks the Mysteries a league away. But make no noise; let us hide ourselves and listen.

  CHORUS. Iacchus, oh! Iacchus! Iacchus, oh! Iacchus!

  XANTHIAS. Master, these are the initiates, of whom Heracles spoke and who are here at their sports; they are incessantly singing of Iacchus, just like Diagoras.

  DIONYSUS. I believe you are right, but ’tis best to keep ourselves quiet till we get better information.

  CHORUS. Iacchus, venerated god, hasten at our call. Iacchus, oh! Iacchus! come into this meadow, thy favourite resting-place; come to direct the sacred choirs of the Initiate; may a thick crown of fruit-laden myrtle branches rest on thy head and may thy bold foot step this free and joyful dance, taught us by the Graces — this pure, religious measure, that our sacred choirs rehearse.

  XANTHIAS. Oh! thou daughter of Demeter, both mighty and revered, what a delicious odour of pork!

  DIONYSUS. Cannot you keep still then, fellow, once you get a whiff of a bit of tripe?

  CHORUS. Brandish the flaming torches and so revive their brilliancy. Iacchus, oh! Iacchus! bright luminary of our nocturnal Mysteries. The meadow sparkles with a thousand fires; the aged shake off the weight of cares and years; they have once more found limbs of steel, wherewith to take part in thy sacred measures; and do thou, blessed deity, lead the dances of youth upon this dewy carpet of flowers with a tor
ch in thine hand.

  Silence, make way for our choirs, you profane and impure souls, who have neither been present at the festivals of the noble Muses, nor ever footed a dance in their honour, and who are not initiated into the mysterious language of the dithyrambs of the voracious Cratinus; away from here he who applauds misplaced buffoonery. Away from here the bad citizen, who for his private ends fans and nurses the flame of sedition, the chief who sells himself, when his country is weathering the storms, and surrenders either fortresses or ships; who, like Thorycion, the wretched collector of tolls, sends prohibited goods from Aegina to Epidaurus, such as oar-leathers, sailcloth and pitch, and who secures a subsidy for a hostile fleet, or soils the statues of Hecaté, while he is humming some dithyramb. Away from here, the orator who nibbles at the salary of the poets, because he has been scouted in the ancient solemnities of Dionysus; to all such I say, and I repeat, and I say it again for the third time, “Make way for the choruses of the Initiate.” But you, raise you your voice anew; resume your nocturnal hymns as it is meet to do at this festival.

  Let each one advance boldly into the retreats of our flowery meads, let him mingle in our dances, let him give vent to jesting, to wit and to satire. Enough of junketing, lead forward! let our voices praise the divine protectress with ardent love, yea! praise her, who promises to assure the welfare of this country for ever, in spite of Thorycion.

  Let our hymns now be addressed to Demeter, the Queen of Harvest, the goddess crowned with ears of corn; to her be dedicated the strains of our divine concerts. Oh! Demeter, who presidest over the pure mysteries, help us and protect thy choruses; far from all danger, may I continually yield myself to sports and dancing, mingle laughter with seriousness, as is fitting at thy festivals, and as the reward for my biting sarcasms may I wreathe my head with the triumphal fillets. And now let our songs summon hither the lovable goddess, who so often joins in our dances.

  Oh, venerated Dionysus, who hast created such soft melodies for this festival, come to accompany us to the goddess, show that you can traverse a long journey without wearying. Dionysus, the king of the dance, guide my steps. ’Tis thou who, to raise a laugh and for the sake of economy, hast torn our sandals and our garments; let us bound, let us dance at our pleasure, for we have nothing to spoil. Dionysus, king of the dance, guide my steps. Just now I saw through a corner of my eye a ravishing young girl, the companion of our sports; I saw the nipple of her bosom peeping through a rent in her tunic. Dionysus, king of the dance, guide my steps.