Slow to Grow

by Lonny Cyrelle

His friend Henry was a Protestant, and always worried about being sent to hell. Don=t eat your meat? Going to hell. Say goddammit? Oh man, there is no turning back from that. He used to have to go deep into the bowels of his house to rifle through his father=s old swank magazines. The basement was foreboding and scary, but Henry had important business to take care of. His mom once caught him down there abusing himself and she sent him to bible camp without passing go. He ended up feeling his first tit while there and was eternally grateful.

  Religion was currently at the foreskin, make that the forefront of Lloyd=s life at the moment. He was just a month away from his bar mitzvah, the ceremony marking a young Jewish boy=s entry into manhood. Another thing that didn=t make sense to him. The slow kid in his class, Bobby Capici was 12 and had a mustache. Now that was an entry into manhood. He heard that Bobby got a blowjob from Gail Assisi, which was the talk of the school. No one knew what it meant, though, so Lloyd asked his father what a blowjob was. His dad replied it was when a girl blows into a boys mouth and fills his cheeks with air. Lloyd didn=t see what the big deal was. He then asked his dad what a cunt was, as he had heard that term recently. It=s a bad person, replied his dad.

  The next day in history class they were learning about World War II and Adolf Hitler. The teacher asked what Hitler was, and Lloyd excitedly raised his hand and yelled, AHe=s a cunt!!!@

  His father had to talk to the principal to get Lloyd out of detention for that one.

  For 4 years, he attended Hebrew School. Four years of slogging every Tuesday and Thursday to the bus and then walking a mile the old decrepit Temple where school was held. Four long years to learn an obsolete and useless language. Strange looking hieroglyphic-like letters that were to be read right to left, with no vowels. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. No wonder everyone hated the Jews.

  What was the point of the whole thing? What possible benefits could be gained by reading a language but not understanding it? Four years, and Lloyd had no clue what any of the words that he was Areading@ meant. They didn=t even teach what they meant. Just read them, the teachers would say, God will understand.

  That never made any sense to him. He took Spanish in school, he knew how to say about a hundred or so words. That made sense. Learning a foreign language. Hebrew was an alien language. Like from outer space alien, not the illegal across the border type, hombre.

  And he was supposed to believe the stories? Moses parted the red sea with a gesture of his hands? A bush burned for a long time, a dude lived in a whale? At Hebrew school, his Old Testament teacher was Mrs. Lipschitz, and Lloyd took immense pleasure in goading her on.

  AMrs. Lip Shits?@as Lloyd purposely pronounced it, which always left Mark AMoshe@ Greenleaf tittering in the back row.

  AYes, Lloyshen?@ Of course you needed to be called by a Jewish name. Lloyshen. As if Lloyd wasn=t bad enough.

  Lloyshen asked the question in as sincere a voice as he muster. AWhy are Jewish people thought to be cheap? My Uncle Herman and Aunt Bernice spend 20 minutes dividing up the restaurant check with her sister and brothers. A

  Lloyd affected a ridiculously Jewish caricature accent. AMarvin, Lloyd had a 7 up, not water, like my Steven did, so you owe thirty one dollars and 13 cents, and I tabulated our meals which came out to twenty nine dollars and sixty seven cents, so our tip is two dollars and ninety seven cents, wait, wait gimme another nickel...@

  To say Mrs. Lipshitz was exasperated was an understatement. ALloyd Kulligan our people have not suffered for five thousand years for you to be repeating ugly stereotypes, especially regarding your own family, have you no shame?@ but she was overmatched.

  She was 67 years old and had taught little shits like Lloyd for 44 years and was tired of his type.

  ABut Miss Lip Shits@, Lloyd continued, Athe waitress didn=t deserve her tip, My Aunt had to keep sending back her soup, it was too hot, then too cold, then too hot. And they hated the food. Plus the portions were so small...@

  ALloyd stop it this minute...@ Idelle Lipshitz didn=t need this and Lloyd knew it.

  But he was on a roll. AOy vey, could you imagine being a waitress at a Jewish Restaurant? All complaints and no tips. That has to be the worst job in the world. They probably get more complaints than the IRS.@ Moshe fell out of his chair he was laughing so hard. She struggled mightily to get back on topic. AThe Israelites marched through the desert for 40 years to find their home...@

  ASomeone must have dropped a wallet@, yelled Lloyd.

  Her patience was pushed to the limit though she had no clue of the depravity that ran through his head.

  Irving, I=m home!

  Irving Lipshitz, a 69 year old yarmulke salesman, gallops into the room on all fours, buck naked, except for the authentic Roy Rogers saddle straddling his back. He whinnies, as Idelle Lipshitz coyly takes off her babushka and her thigh high legging supporters.

  Are you going to mount me like the stud you are, Adolph? I am going to take this horsewhip and make you bleed!

  Yes, Eva, YES....

  He was sent to spend the rest of the day with Rabbi Schmeulik.

  The learned Rabbi had a story at hand.

  ALloyshen, I have a story to tell you. It is about Avi and Chaim, and is about dignity. Please listen...

  He began to tell the story...

  >Avi, fancy meeting you here. I thought that I was the only one who knew this shortcut home from school.

  Not at all Chaim. I have been going this way for a long time. I like walking past these new homes. Look at that one, the front door is wide open. Wow, you can see straight into the house. Hmmm. That is really interesting. It looks like they are doing some remodeling in there.

  Avi, should you be looking into someone's front door?

  Well, they left it wide open. They must know that people will look in.

  I see that they have left it open. But I still do not think that we should look in. After all, looking into someone's home is an invasion of privacy. People do things inside of their homes that they do not want others to see.

  I guess you're right Chaim. But why do they build their home in such a way that you can see right into the front door from the street?

  That's a good question Avi. The homes should be built to provide more privacy. Just as it was in the desert.

  The desert? Who has a private home in the desert?

  The Jewish people's homes were very private during their wanderings in the desert over three thousand years ago.

  Didn't they live in tents?

  They surely did.

  Tents are not very private.

  Usually not, Avi. However, they were very careful to pitch their tents in such a way that no two openings faced each other.

  That is not so easy to do. How do you know that Chaim?

  It is in this week's parsha Avi. Bilaam HaRasha, the wicked Bilaam wanted to curse the Jewish people. G-d would not allow him to curse us. He only let him bless us. He went to the top of a mountain and looked down on the Jewish encampment. He said, "How good are your tents, Jacob, your dwellings, Israel". Rashi comments that Bilaam saw that the openings of their tents were not facing each other. This was a true blessing, complimenting the tznius (that means dignity) of the Jewish people. They respected each other's privacy. They would not look into each other's homes.

  I see what you mean, Chaim. Looking into someone's house is really prying into their business. We have no right to do that. It shows a lack of self respect and respect for the other person.

  Exactly Avi. One of the trademarks of the Jewish people has always been our tznius. We express it in many ways. Our clothing, manner of speech, even the way we walk, all reflect our dignity.

  Chaim, I am so proud to be a member of this people. We have maintained our dignity through the many struggles of our three thousand years of history. I have to make my effort to carry on the tradition. I will try never to look into someone's home again. I won=t even think of asking them a personal question.

  Avi, I am going to stand up th
e next time that you walk into the room.

  Why Chaim?

  Because I am in the company of a visiting dignitary.

  ASo, Lloyd,@ the contemplative rabbi asked Ado you understand what that story is preaching?@

  AHaha, you said, pitching a tent,@ Lloyd boasted.

  AGo back to class, Lloyd.@ One more month, thought the Rabbi, one more month.

  I am going to sabotage his bar mitzphah. I am going to put a whole new Hebrew page in front of him, he won=t be able to read it, and he will stumble and stumble, oy that would bring me such naches. Oh lord, forgive me for thinking such vile thoughts. But can=t you make him screw up yourself? Maybe stumble and start crying up on stage? That would be nice. Oh lord there I go again. Please forgive me for wishing Lloyshen ill. But maybe just a little fuckup?

  The Bar mitzphah came and went with just one minor hitch Before the ceremony, it was learned that Lloyd would not be wearing a yarmulke or a tallis. The Rabbi was a progressive and this was a reformed temple. Pretty much the polar opposite of Zayde Lionel=s orthodox synagogue.

  They were trying to move away from the antiquated notions that had been sustaining the Jews for lo these five thousand years. The Reform Temple ideals were supposed to tap into the zeitgeist of the upwardly mobile suburban Jewish families of the late 20th century.

  Lloyd didn=t understand the uproar, but the usual ironies of religion always amused him. How was it possible a Rabbi did NOT want a yarmulke, the cherished headwear that connects Jews to their god, and the tallis, the scarve like garments worn over the shoulders. Was he afraid it made the bar mitzphah boys look too Jewish? The noses and curly hair took care of that, thought Lloyd.

  On the day of the blessed event, Lloyd stood on the dais fluently reading words without vowels with no meaning whatsoever to him. No one in the audience knew either. For all he knew, he might have been praising Hitler and assailing the Jews for murdering Jesus. It was rather farcical to Lloyd. He considered just making up words but he feared the Rabbi would nullify the whole thing, and he might not qualify for all the money he was going to reap from his family and friends. And when he was done, he officially entered the hallowed halls of Jewish manhood. Yet he still barely had any pubes. Didn=t make a difference, he didn=t care. He was done.

  His bar mitzphah party was held in a moderate hotel in downtown Chicago. It was a baseball theme. Each table had different flower arrangements in the name of Lloyd=s favorite Cub players. The Larry Biittner table was for distant relatives on his mom=s side, The Ivan Dejesus was for his school friends, and Lloyd himself was seated with his family at the Bill Buckner table.

  That=s right. Bill Buckner played for the Cubs, before his infamy with the Red Sox. And he was Lloyd=s all-time favorite Cub. A sweet swinging lefty first baseman who gimped around the bases on a bum ankle. And later in life, it pissed Lloyd off to no end that all Billy Buck is remembered for is missing a ground ball in the World Series.

  Lloyd would rant and rave till no end about it. ACalvin Schiraldi is the real goat. The Red Sox were up 2 in the 10th and he blew it. And it was Game 6! They could have won game 7. Bill Buckner should not have the legacy he has.

  Being a Cub fan was like a perpetual Charlie Brown trying to kick the football, and the world was Lucy. Just like he was a self hating jew, he was also a self hating Cub fan.

  Same thing with Steve Bartman. Only dumb baseball fans would blame him for the Cubs demise in 2003. He was a fan going after a foul ball. If he wasn=t wearing that hat and headphones and looking nerdy no one would have taken a second thought. Moises Alou, throwing that tantrum was babyish, the ball was in the stands. And good old Dusty Baker not visiting Prior at the mound during the whole debacle of that inning. Nice Managing Moron. And then Alex Gonzales blows an easy double play ball. Now there is someone who should be thanking his lucky stars. Alex Gonzales should be remembered like Leon Durham and Bill Buckner before him. No No, blame Bartman. You retard Cub fans, have another drink , you drunken frat boy douches.

  And a dessert table. Their must be a dessert table. The dessert table at a Jewish wedding or bar mitzphah is on par with the open bar at a Gentile wedding. I don=t know who would be more angry, a Jew at an event without a dessert table, or a goy at a wedding with a cash bar. Close call.

  One of the main benefits of attending a bar mitzphah, or bat mitzphah as it is called for the young ladies, was the dancing. The family would hire a band to play popular hits of the time. The band was Kiki and the Vanwalkers, whatever in hell a vanwalker was, and they kept the crowd pumped with the latest from Styx, Toto, and the Gap Band. And the requisite Celebration, by Kool and the Gang.