Slow to Grow

by Lonny Cyrelle

For some reason, the dorm housed an obscene amount of obnoxious, loud mouth Chicagoans. Mostly Jewish kids from money who were too stupid to get into a good school, but Mommy and Daddy had the money to send them to a big name school. Not a big name in academics, mind you, just in recognition. The University of Kansas. Sure sounded prestigious. They called it the Harvard of Kansas.

  These Chicagoans were incredibly annoying with their swaggering blowhardedness about Chicago this and Chicago that, and it was quite embarrassing to Lloyd. One night Mark and Lloyd gathered with a bunch of others to watch the Chicago Bears play the Minnesota-Vikings. The Chicago blowhards were acting like the imbeciles that they were and annoying the shit out of both of them. Mark was also starting to develop a great hatred towards these Illinois expatriates and their cocky attitudes, so felt he needed to do something about it.

  One douche kept screaming at the TV about the Bears defense and their shoddy ACONTAINMENT@. ACOME ON BEARS, CONTAINMENT!!!@. He had beady eyes and a cocky fratboy demeanor and would forever be known to them as prick face. Mark being the instigator that he was, starting cheering obnoxiously for the Vikings. When they scored a touchdown he screamed, Afuck, yeah. VIKINGS!@ and prick face shot Mark a dirty look like he wanted to fight. I mean why would someone in the state of Kansas not be a Bears fan. Mark looked at him and said, AHey, man, My dad played for the Vikings.@

  Prick face backed off, ASorry man, that is so cool.@ and tried to high five Mark. Mark pretended to miss his hand and apologized for it. He nodded and winked at Lloyd in their nearly heterosexual way and leaned back, content.

  After the game Mark told Lloyd that it wasn=t true, his dad had never played Pro football. He was a podiatrist. Lloyd had his first man crush.

  It didn=t take long for Lloyd to figure out that Mark was mostly full of shit about everything and that he was really the one who made all the noise in their suite. Because of initial belief, Lloyd despised Joel, though in truth, he was a quiet and studious guy. Mark was the prick. Lloyd never would have been friends with him had he known that at the beginning.

  Mark and Lloyd reveled in humor that made others uncomfortable or not knowing that they were the butt of the jokes. It was uninclusive and condescending but it amused them to no end. Mocking condescension was a good term for it.

  One time Lloyd was standing at the urinal in a bathroom at a bar when Mark came in and nudged Lloyd in a drunken manner. Lloyd stared hard at him and said, AWhat the fuck is your problem, frat boy,@ and Mark got in his face and asked Lloyd if he were a Jew and then two other guys got in between them and separated them. Lloyd left the bathroom stifling massive giggles and Mark did the same. It was sort of theater for two. They did that all the time. They liked to stage political arguments in front of random people, switching political affiliations depending on the scenario. If they were in a room with a bunch of women, Mark would argue against abortion and Lloyd would tell him that Roe V Wade is almost 15 years old and to get over it, and keep his hands out of their uterus=, and as the women would be about congratulate him for his forward thinking, he would add, Abecause they stink like halibut.@

  Other times they would go to Gay Rights marches and engage in chatter with the marching homosexuals, who would appreciate the support. And then Mark would say he would defend anyone, as long as they weren=t niggers. Or Jews, Lloyd would add.

  Lloyd had a large amount of anti semitic self hate so once as they were walking by the Hillel House, the campus Jewish studies center, they starting arguing about the school allowing Mein Kampf to be sold in the campus bookstore. Lloyd loudly said it held some interesting and provocative viewpoints, and that Hitler wasn=t all bad. That provoked a horse faced Jewish girl to scream at him vehemently about the plight of Israel. Lloyd asked her why she had such a long face, which caused Mark to break character and start laughing. Lloyd told them both that his parents were Palestinian and killed in the raid on Entebe. They both apologized and said Israel wasn=t always 100% in the right. So it was dickish humor with a purpose.

  Lloyd had no idea what the Raid on Entebe was or if that is even spelled right. It was all good practice for Mark as he ended up becoming an actor, which Lloyd mocked mercilessly.

  There lived a pretty girl on their floor named Lana. Whenever Mark and Lloyd hung out together they noticed her glancing at them. Lloyd, while lacking self image and self esteem, was also a delusional idiot. Maybe she liked me, he thought, forgetting that Mark looked like a matinee idol.

  One day as Lloyd was in the midst of masturbating to his Cindy Crawford posters there was a knock on the door. He threw the jergens under the bed and pulled up his sweat pants. There at the door stood Lana. He could hardly contain his excitement, literally, as his boner was showing through his sweat pants. He stood at sort of an angle, hoping she wouldn=t notice, and let her in. He couldn=t believe his luck. It was starting to turn, things were going to go his way in college.

  ASo, are you from Chicago?@, she asked. AYeah, Morton Grove, are you from there, too?@ He said nonchalantly as his spittle landed on her face. He was in heaven, he was actually talking to a pretty girl. He was a new man. No more of this pussy high school bullshit, where he had to make any move. The girls in college were much more aggressive, he figured, and this was just the start. He was starting to get comfortable, even though his hardon was still poking through his pants like Punxsutawney Phil.

  She wants you, don=t panic. Act nonchalant like this is no big deal, not like walking in the hall with Deena in high school, you pussy. Oh my god a girl is talking to you. Get it together, man. That is what happens in college. Random hookups, she probably doesn=t want to have sex just yet. Play it cool. Play it cool. Maybe a little kissing. Don=t seem desperate.

  They continued the small talk and Lloyd was waiting for the inevitable point of her asking him out for a drink, or maybe she would just take her top off right here, and that would be that.

  ASo, I see you with Mark a lot. Are you good friends with him?@ she asked. His hardon went down faster than the first World Trade Center.

  AUh, yeah.@

 

  ADo you think he likes me, can you ask him? A

  GOD DAMMIT.

  AI don=t know, I guess so.@

  And that was that. That was the first time Lloyd thought he could compete with Mark. Dumb. It was like Wilson Phillips. Remember them? The two hot chicks and the fat one? Well, Lloyd was the fat one. Except he was deathly skinny, so that might not make sense, but you get the point.

  In fact one day, at the dorm=s pool, that=s right the rich dorm had a pool, Lloyd was sunbathing on his stomach, trying to contain his manhood, what with all the nubile freshmen hanging out, and someone asked him if he was on the Auschwitz diet.

  Well the self esteem that was hanging by a thread was snipped.

  Anyhow, two days later Mark banged Lana, and that was that. They dated for the next three years or so.