Slow to Grow

by Lonny Cyrelle

He wrote one more while hospitalized. There were a lot of news stories about Jesus showing up in pancakes and grilled cheese sandwiches, so he felt like exploiting that.

  The Holy Spirit!

  Scene: Television news station.

  Roger Winters: And that squirrel died a hero. Candy.

  Candy Riggins-Stallworth: Thanks, Roger, Now we want to send you back out to Ashley Madison-Jones who is standing by with a live report from what many are saying is a bona fide miracle.

  Ashley Madison-Jones: Thank you, Candy, we are live here in Crestwood, where some say the iconic visage of Oprah Winfrey has miraculously appeared in local resident Missy Comstock=s half eaten and nearly discarded authentic Chicago style deep dish pizza. As you can see here, the image is plainly clear and is almost eerie in its resemblance to the talk show maven. What does it all mean? For many years she has been portrayed as a deity and her millions of disciples may in fact turn this into their holy grail. Thousands of Winfrey devotees have traveled from far and wide, no pun intended, to make the pilgrimage to see the saucy image for themselves. I have Missy with me right here and I must say there is almost a Lourdes type atmosphere here. The healing powers of Oprah know no bounds. The hordes of people with injured psyches, negligible energies and the power of positive thinking is stretching for blocks. Miss Comstock, what led to this discovery and how does it feel to have possible found the lost ark of the Winfrey movement?

  Missy Comstock: Well, Candy, Oh my god, you are so great, I love you, I can=t believe I am on Television! Anyhow, my husband Roger, he loves Pizza, and anyhow, he had just finished his 7th piece and I looked at the remnants and I was like, Roger, does that look like anything to you? And he says, naw, and I scream, ARoger, that is Oprah! Look at how the sauce is her hair and the sausage is her nose and the cheese is her mouth!@ and he just got stone cold and he said, Missy Rae, I will be goddamned, if that is not her. And so I called my neighbor Della over and I show her the pizza, right? And I says, who does that look like? And she starts screaming, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, IT=S OPRAH, all up and down in my face, and I was like, right? And she called her book club group over, on account of they just happened to be reading THE SECRET and every single one of them saw it, except that trampy one Rhonda Sue, who said it looked like Whoopi Goldberg, and I got all pissed and I done kicked her out of my kitchen. No one will disrespect Oprah at least not in my house. She had the nerve once to question the validity of Oprah=s relationship with Steadman. Nuh uh, not in my house.

  Ashley Madison-Jones: So what happened next?

  Missy Comstock: Well naturally I got on the phone and told all my friends and they told all their friends and soon enough the neighborhood was overwhelmed with fine ladies hootin and hollerin it up. I think so far there have been 2200 women and 7 men. And I aint askin for nuthin, just a donation for her kids in South America. It is really the work of the Oprah and I know something greater than ourselves is at work. They are leaving all types of honorifics! Look at all the O magazines set up as a shrine! I just laid that pizza out here in that glass box, so none of them damn raccoons could get at it, I mean the animals, not black people, no disrespectin goin on here, though now that I think about it I actually haven=t seen any black people. Whatever, it is just splendifally glorious. People are bringing books from her book club, look see there=s Angela=s Ashes, and Deep End of the Ocean, and, HEY WHO LEFT THE CORRECTIONS HERE! UNCOOL. They are burning into a million little pieces.

  Ashley Madison-Jones: oh, a literary joke, good for you.

  Missy Comstock: It ain=t litter Ashley, we is going to clean it up.

  Anyhow, look at all Pontiacs lined up as far the eye could see. Remember she gave them away? We bought two. Anyhow, her spirit is really bringing everyone together.

  Ashley Madison-Jones: You say spirit, but does the fact that Oprah is still alive have any bearing on any of this?

  Missy Comstock: She has spirit in here (points to chest while tearing up), right? I mean she has changed so many lives. So many. I am just a conduit to her fierce spirit and independence. I am blessed that she chose to speak through me. It comes from within, and without there is none. It is an honor. I feel like I have become her energy.

  Ashley Madison-Jones: Here is one of the disciples, what is your name?

  Linda.

  Ashley Madison-Jones: Linda, why are you here? What draws you to this?

  Linda: Oh my god. I am devoted to Oprah, I have seen every single episode of hers in the last 17 years. I remember her when she was on AM CHICAGO! I even sat through the interview with Yanni. I have been divorced three times and she knows what it is like. I can just relate, you know? I have gone on every diet she has. I have bought every book she recommends. Even my soap. It=s French Triple Milled! Oh my goodness I am so overwhelmed. OPRAH, I LOVE YOU!!!!! THIS IS A MIRACLE!!!!!!

  Ashley Madison-Jones: What do you think it means that she would appear in an almost discarded pizza?

  Linda: It means just be yourself. That is what she preaches. Don=t worry what others think of you. If you wish it to happen it will. It just will!

  Ashley Madison-Jones: What will?

  Linda: IT! Anything you want. I am not surprised she would appear in a pizza. She is every woman, and what is more every woman than Pizza. PRAISE OPRAH!

  Ashley Madison-Jones: Candy, Linda has just hit the ground and appears to be speaking in tongues. It sounds like she is chanting the list of Oprah=s favorite things!

  Linda: Havienas Flip flops murr murr murr, the Baekhaard passport holder, durrrrrr, his and her Chianci bath towels, aiaiaiaiaiaiaiaia!!!

  Ashley Madison-Jones: Candy, the aroma of the thousands of Votivo candles lit here are really soothing and calming. As Oprah has said hundreds of times, ANothing's better for some instant ambience than scented candles. They're all gorgeous, but Rain is my favorite scent." As far as the eye can see women of all shapes and sizes are jumping and squealing and having conniptions.

  Candy Riggins-Stallworth: Ashley, if you can hear me above the din, has Oprah herself, had any comment on this?

  Ashley Madison-Jones: We haven=t heard directly from her, but her publicist released a statement. It reads in total, "The truth feels right and good and loving. Love doesn't hurt. Truth allows you to live every day with integrity. Everything you do and say shows the world who you really areClet it be the truth." Which we have since learned and as many out here knew verbatim was from the January, 2002 edition of O.

  Candy Riggins-Stallworth: I wish I could be out there with you, Ashley. In studio here, we have Dr. Richard Baggins, a noted clinical psychologist and internet certified minister. Welcome, Dr. Why are so many people drawn to this makeshift shrine to Oprah?

  Dr. Richard Baggins: Well Candy, as you well know, this is not the first time Oprah or one of her disciples has miraculously appeared. You may remember the incident in Laredo, Texas where an autographed picture of Dr. Phil McGraw began shedding genuine crocodile tears after Oprah and Steadman called off their impending nuptials. So these things are not that uncommon. The people drawn to these type of spectacles need to feel close to their idol, and these type of incidents are sort of a pilgrimage to Mecca if you will, if you want to equate the holy pilgrimage to Mecca with this. There most likely will not be the same sort of death toll, but you never know. Have you ever tried getting tickets to her show? So this may be as close as they will ever get. It is quite a religious experience. The same sort of thing occurs whenever a visage of Princess Diana appears in a crumpet or scone south of London.

  Candy Riggins-Stallworth: The obvious difference being that Princess Di is actually dead.

  Dr. Richard Baggins: True.

  Candy: Thank you, doctor, lets go back out to Ashley for one final report. Ashley, anything new to add?

  Ashley: I must tell you, Candy, a sort of panic has broken out as word has spread that Rachael Ray has been spotted, or I should say, heard, coming down the road. The hysteria here has reached proportions levels not seen since Bra
d Pitt appeared on the Oprah show in 1999 to promote Oceans Eleven. I shudder to think what the future may hold. Back to you, Candy.

  Candy Riggins-Stallworth: Thanks Ashley, keep us updated. Flip is up next with the Weather, and a special report, Can drinking water kill you? Tune in after the break.