Willow's Wedding Vows: a laugh out loud romantic comedy with a twist!

by Debbie Viggiano

  ‘Shhh,’ said a man’s voice. ‘It’s okay.’

  ‘Charlie?’ she whimpered. ‘Oh my God’ – she dropped the pillow and collapsed against his rain-soaked jacket – ‘I was so frightened. I thought–’

  ‘Don’t be scared,’ he said, as she hugged him hard. ‘I’m home now.’

  If Willow hadn’t been so relieved, she might have noticed that mingling with the smell of wet clothing was another scent. Like a fine spider’s thread, it was clinging between the fold of Charlie’s shirt collar and skin. Not aftershave. Rather, perfume. If Willow hadn’t been so distracted by another thunderbolt cracking overhead, she might have wondered at the perfume’s familiarity, and demanded to know why her boyfriend reeked of another woman.

  Fourteen

  ‘Coffee,’ said Ben, placing a steaming mug alongside Charlie’s keyboard.

  ‘Cheers.’

  It was Wednesday morning and both men were once again early to the office. Ben’s reasons for logging on an hour before anyone else were two-fold. Firstly, he wanted to get to work on the new Carpenter account before the phones started ringing. But secondly – and more importantly – he’d wanted to get away from Anna.

  However, Charlie’s reasons for flopping down on his executive chair a little after 8 a.m. had nothing to do with the profit and loss columns of Humphrey & Co but everything to do with speaking to Kev, preferably without any flapping ears. He hadn’t been thrilled to see his best buddy already at his desk.

  Charlie was getting desperate about ending this affair. He’d been unable to telephone his lover on the drive to the station due to black spots interrupting the signal. Nor had it been practical to ring her on the commute to King’s Cross. Now it was tunnels that played havoc with the signal. Apart from anything else, he hadn’t wanted an entire carriage overhearing him ending a relationship. Charlie could imagine only too well what sort of reaction he’d have got from his fellow ear-wigging commuters. Mrs Duffel Coat for example. She always sighed a lot as she scowled at her reflection in the window. She’d likely have swivelled her eyes to Charlie, then given him a death stare. Then there was Mr Tutter. He always eavesdropped on anyone trying to have a discreet chat. Only this morning a young man had been quietly telling his wife what he’d later like for dinner. Mr Tutter had clicked his tongue loudly at the suggestion of pizza and chips. Nor had Charlie wanted to sound like a horrible heartbreaker in front of Miss Pretty Face. She often exchanged a shy smile with Charlie over the rim of her kindle. Charlie could imagine only too well Miss Pretty Face replacing her smile with a look of disgust.

  Ringing Kev from home was also out of the question due to Willow being around. Nor could Charlie absent himself to make a call from the garden without his girlfriend wondering what he was up to. He could envisage it now.

  ‘Why are you hiding in the bushes, Charlie?’

  ‘I’m not hiding. I’m… er… talking to the plants.’

  ‘Talking to the plants? Are you doing a Prince Charles?’

  ‘That’s it!’

  ‘I don’t think Prince Charles would approve of you telling our roses that you want to nip things in the bud. It might kill them.’

  Charlie took a sip of coffee and sighed. Ben was sitting only feet away. He would be able to hear everything. Nor could Charlie hole up in the loo – anyone could walk in. Even if it were possible to hijack the lift and keep his finger firmly on the “Doors Close” button, there was no signal once in the lift. The stairwell was out of the question because it echoed and amplified conversation. There was no way he wanted everyone on the floors above and below picking up what he was saying. In fact, where the hell could he talk to Kev without being overheard? If only he’d done it face to face last night. But wisdom was easier with hindsight. Charlie really didn’t want to do the dirty by text. It wasn’t kind. However, it was starting to look like the most practical option. He sighed again.

  ‘A penny for them,’ said Ben.

  ‘Eh?’

  Charlie looked up.

  ‘Your thoughts. You’re doing an awful lot of huffing and puffing.’

  ‘Oh. Sorry.’

  ‘What’s up?’

  Ben picked up his own coffee, sipped and then cradled the mug. His posture indicted he was taking a break and was all ears.

  ‘Nothing’s up,’ said Charlie.

  His mind inexplicably veered back to last night where a certain part of his anatomy had been more up than down.

  ‘I thought I saw your car yesterday evening,’ said Ben conversationally.

  Charlie froze.

  ‘What are you talking about?’

  ‘Your car. In Mosley.’

  ‘Well that’s hardly surprising. I live in Mosley,’ said Charlie, giving a half-laugh.

  ‘No, I mean I could have sworn I saw your car parked in a residential road on the south side of Mosley. You live on the north side.’

  ‘And you don’t live in Mosley at all, so how would you know if you saw my car?’

  For a moment Ben looked furtive. Then his expression cleared and he gave a non-committal shrug.

  ‘I didn’t want to go home to Anna. So when I got off the train at Borough Green, I went for a drive instead. I found myself heading towards Mosley. I pulled into one of the side roads and spotted your car outside a house.’

  ‘There are a lot of houses in Mosley’ – Charlie gave Ben a withering look – ‘and no doubt a lot of Beamers too.’

  ‘So it wasn’t your car?’

  ‘Of course it wasn’t my car,’ said Charlie.

  He arranged his features into an expression that indicated Ben’s suggestion was preposterous. Charlie also made a mental note to keep Ben away from Willow for a bit. At least if Ben and Anna were going through a rocky patch, there wouldn’t be any foursome dinner dates in the diary for a while.

  ‘Strange,’ Ben persisted. ‘It looked exactly like your car too.’

  He puffed out his cheeks and looked at Charlie speculatively.

  ‘Yesterday you had eyes pinker than an albino rabbit. You also mentioned you’d had a heavy weekend. Are you being honest about not doing a dirty on your own doorstep?’

  ‘Ben, your line of questioning is getting more and more ludicrous,’ Charlie tutted. ‘It’s one thing to chat up the ladies on a jaunt to Birmingham. It’s quite another to mess around with someone in Mosley.’

  Charlie was impressed with the way he delivered his lines. He’d sounded so believable he was almost convincing himself. Perhaps he’d missed his vocation? He should have been an actor.

  Ben set down his mug and, leaning on his elbows, steepled his fingers. His expression became thoughtful.

  ‘I hear what you’re saying, but the funny thing is’ – he gave a little chortle – ‘I stopped to look at the house where this Beamer was parked.’

  ‘Whatever for?’ said Charlie.

  ‘Because I spotted something really bizarre.’

  ‘My goodness, I wonder what it was?’ said Charlie, hamming it up and piling on the sarcasm. ‘Another house next door? Another Beamer parked alongside the first Beamer? Or – wait for it – a supermarket van delivering Number Fourteen’s weekly shop?’

  ‘Nothing like that,’ said Ben, shaking his head. ‘I saw a pair of boxer shorts.’

  ‘Being delivered to Number Fourteen?’ Charlie joshed. ‘Not Freshly clicked but freshly dicked.’

  He laughed at his own joke. Ben didn’t laugh back.

  ‘These boxer shorts were hanging off a curtain rail.’

  Ben’s eyes didn’t leave Charlie’s face.

  ‘They were just dangling there, as if their owner had whipped them off in one hell of a hurry. By coincidence, they were the same make as that poncy brand you always insist on wearing. You know, the ones with the big writing on the elastic. I could read the lettering from the pavement.’

  Charlie could feel the colour draining from his face. He hoped Ben wouldn’t notice. It was one thing to deliver a few lines with the aplomb of Sir Laurence
Olivier, it was quite another controlling one’s complexion.

  ‘How amazing,’ said Charlie, attempting nonchalance. ‘So, let me get this straight. You went for a drive to get away from Anna but ended up parking in a residential road and behaved like a Peeping Tom.’

  Now it was Ben’s turn to pale.

  ‘Steady on. I’m not a pervert.’

  Charlie was delighted at his friend’s sudden discomfort. Good. Nothing like turning the tables on someone.

  ‘Sounds distinctly pervy to me, mate.’

  Now Charlie was sounding like a judge preparing to give his summary in a court of law.

  ‘If I were you, I wouldn’t let on to Anna that you were driving round the back streets studying people’s underwear. What was the name of the road again?’

  Ben blinked.

  ‘I… I didn’t mention the name of the road.’

  ‘Didn’t you?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘But what was the name, out of interest?’

  ‘I don’t recall,’ said Ben, his eyes sliding away from Charlie’s gaze.

  Charlie noted his friend’s body language. He was lying. Interesting. Charlie wondered what the real reason was for Ben being outside Kev’s house. It was too much of a coincidence. And then a light bulb went off in his head. Granted, it was only a dim light bulb, but it filled Charlie with hope. Was it possible that Kev was also Ben’s lover? Had Ben driven to Kev’s house on the off-chance to let her know that he was dumping Anna for her, but then clocked those boxers framed in her bedroom window and realised that loyalty might not be Kev’s best character trait? Charlie cleared his throat.

  ‘You told me yesterday that – rows with Anna aside – you had recently met another woman. That you were seeing someone else. Were you, by any chance, outside her house when you spotted those boxer shorts?’

  ‘No!’ Ben protested.

  His body flinched, so much so that some of his coffee slopped across the desk.

  ‘I’ve already told you. I was just driving around while trying to clear my head about Anna.’

  But it was debatable who, out of the two men, was now looking the shiftiest.

  Fifteen

  ‘So how are things with you and Anna now?’ asked Charlie.

  He presumed that Ben had gone home to face the music at some point last night.

  ‘We’re finished.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Yes. I told Anna that I don’t want to be with her any more.’

  ‘How did she take it?’

  ‘Weirdly. Initially she looked delighted. Then she smashed some ornaments and told me to go to hell.’

  ‘Quite well then. For Anna,’ Charlie added. ‘So have you told your new girlfriend that you’re now technically single?’

  ‘I don’t have a new “girlfriend”.’

  Ben looked annoyed.

  ‘You do! You told me you’d met someone special.’

  ‘Yes, she is special. But nothing has ever gone on between us. I mean, we haven’t slept together. We won’t. Not while I’m under the same roof as Anna. Instead we’ve gone for walks. Held hands. That sort of thing. It’s all been very old-fashioned.’

  ‘How romantic,’ said Charlie mockingly.

  No wonder Kev couldn’t get enough of him if Ben wasn’t putting out.

  ‘Mate, are you sure this woman is special?’ he asked gently.

  Ben was a nice guy. And whilst Charlie had nothing against Kev personally, he didn’t want to see his best friend being shabbily treated. He knew Kev could have moments of being two-faced. He’d seen her over the years saying one thing but doing something else. And look at her now… sleeping with him while smiling into Willow’s face. Nor was Charlie all together surprised at the possibility of Kev entertaining him between her sheets whilst, at the same time, having romantic strolls with Ben. But no way was Kev a suitable partner. Hell, she made Anna look like Mary Poppins. However, if Charlie’s hunch was right about Ben’s “special lady”, it meant he now had the perfect escape clause from his own relationship with Kev. Hooray!

  ‘I really like her,’ said Ben, finally answering Charlie’s question. ‘But I haven’t yet told her that I’m leaving Anna. I was going to last night but–’

  ‘But she had another man’s boxer shorts hanging in her window,’ said Charlie, finishing Ben’s sentence.

  ‘I did not visit anyone’s house last night,’ Ben insisted.

  But his ears had gone bright red. A sure sign he wasn’t being truthful.

  ‘I just think’ – he continued – ‘that for now I need to be on my own. To… you know… take a deep breath. I told you before, I don’t want this lady to be some sort of rebound. I want it to come to something. But there’s a time and a place. Know what I mean?’

  ‘I suppose. And is Anna still in the dark about… what did you say her name was?’

  Ben rolled his eyes.

  ‘Nice try. But as I said before, I’m telling you nothing. Not yet.’

  Charlie shook his head.

  ‘I have no idea why you’re being so secretive. Are you dating a celebrity? Is that it? You want to keep her name out of the press. Is it Lady Gaga? She’s meant to like ordinary guys,’ Charlie teased.

  ‘I’m not “dating” anyone.’

  ‘I disagree. If Willow knew I was going for clandestine walks with another woman and exchanging starry-eyed looks, she wouldn’t be impressed.’

  ‘I think Willow would be even less impressed if she found out about your Birmingham bonks,’ Ben rebuked.

  ‘But they don’t mean anything.’ Charlie gave a dismissive shrug. ‘So what’s happening next in the saga of Anna and Ben? Will you get home tonight to find your clothes in a suitcase on the doorstep, and the locks changed? Or will you open the door and need to dodge another flying ornament? Or might Anna have cunningly wired up the electric mains to the door’s lock so that you are propelled into the next world by a zillion volts?’

  ‘Anna said she will buy me out.’

  ‘Will she now?’

  Charlie gave a low whistle. Not for the first time was he reminded that Anna was a high-flyer and earnt a fortune. If Charlie and Willow ever split, no way could Willow even begin to entertain the idea of buying him out.

  ‘Anna is organising a valuation of the house later today. Meanwhile, I’ll ring a solicitor in my lunch hour. Might as well get the legal side rolling.’

  ‘Wow. Looks like you mean business. When are you going to move out?’

  ‘Anna wants me to leave as soon as possible. She says she’s not prepared to live with the loo seat left up until her funds clear into my account.’

  ‘So where will you go?’

  Charlie knew that Ben couldn’t move in with his parents. Last year they’d taken early retirement and moved to Cornwall. Commuting was out of the question.

  ‘Ah. Interesting you should ask me that,’ said Ben.

  ‘Oh?’

  Ben hesitated for a moment.

  ‘I was hoping I could move in with you and Willow.’

  Sixteen

  ‘Move in with me and Willow?’ Charlie repeated, his eyebrows shooting upwards.

  ‘It would only be for a few weeks,’ Ben reasoned. ‘I want to buy one of those swanky apartments being built at Ebbsfleet Valley. You know what it’s like with newbuilds. The salespeople want the paperwork done and dusted in twenty-eight days. Given the speed of the conveyancing, I’ll have moved out of your place before you’d even got used to having me around. Obviously I’ll pay rent.’

  ‘Sure,’ said Charlie without hesitation.

  Money was always a persuasive factor.

  ‘Don’t you want to square it first with Willow?’

  ‘She’ll be fine about it,’ said Charlie dismissively.

  ‘Well, if you’re sure she won’t mind, then brilliant! Thanks, mate. If it’s all right with you, I’ll pack my gear after work and bring it over tonight. Shall I transfer you the rent money in advance?’

  ‘
Yeah, that would be great.’

  ‘Is a thousand okay, meals included?’

  ‘Sounds good to me.’

  Charlie was practically purring. No need to tell Willow.

  ‘Thanks, matey,’ said Ben, looking relieved. ‘It’s amazing isn’t it?’

  ‘What is?’

  ‘How your life can alter in a moment. I mean, this time last month, I was living with Anna and had no idea that a trip to a Chinese takeaway would be the catalyst for my life changing.’

  ‘Amazing,’ said Charlie dryly.

  He didn’t really believe in all that nonsense about Fate taking a hand in things. Charlie was the first to scroll past inspirational posts on Facebook. Kev had posted such a status only last night, and he’d rolled his eyes. She’d written:

  You never know what’s around the corner. It might be everything. It might be nothing. You keep moving… one foot in front of the other… and then, one day, you look back and realise you’ve climbed a mountain.

  Which was ironic coming from her. The only thing Kev had ever climbed was him when spread-eagled upon her mattress.

  ‘I’d better get on with some work,’ said Ben. ‘I feel so relieved knowing I’ll be sleeping at yours tonight, and not have to listen to Anna ripping the arse out of all my failings.’

  ‘I feel happy too,’ said Charlie. ‘For you,’ he quickly added.

  But the reality was that Charlie was overjoyed to know Ben was planning on buying his own pad. This meant that, soon, Kev would likely move in with Ben. No more Kev and Charlie. Hurrah, hurrah, hurrah! Which meant he no longer had to fret about how to end things with Kev thanks to Ben romantically pursuing her. Charlie wanted to raise his arm and punch the air. This also meant he could immediately dispense with any guilt about being an unfeeling bastard. After all, Kev hadn’t given him any consideration when she’d been out walking with Ben, looking at him with goo-goo eyes and making out she was Miss Virtuous.

  Feeling happier than he had in a very long time, Charlie reached for his phone. Given that there was no longer any need to tippy toe about, he tapped out a text: