Survive for Me

by Karin Dahan

  I walk at the end of the group, as far away from Gwennie as possible. She still gets under my skin by just looking at me the way she does. Usually, Adira walks with me, teaching me the different techniques of mediations that she’s still insisting I learn before she will train me in self-defense. But today she’s walking up front, next to Ryker. I’m guessing they are going over strategies.

  Phoenix slows his steps to keep me company. “Man, I can’t wait to get something real in my stomach. Eating berries and squirrel is just not my cup of tea,” he says.

  I can’t help but laugh at the despair in his voice. “I know. It would be nice to have, something more filling. Hopefully we’ll find some in Hope.”

  “Oh, I do hope that your friends stashed their shack with some goodies.” He looks at me with a smile. When he sees my expression, he’s quick to add, “Sorry, that was stupid. I didn’t mean to sound so insensitive.”

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  “It’s okay.” I scramble to change the topic, anything to avoid talking about Rufus and Gilbert. “You don’t believe what Gwennie has been saying about me right? You know I’m not working for the government in any way.”

  Phoenix shakes his head. “Everyone knows that, even Gwennie. She just likes to question everything. It’s in her nature.”

  “Well, someone should tell her that’s a real annoying habit.”

  “Sometimes it actually comes in handy, you know. It can help us look outside the box.”

  “Really? You’re saying the way she keeps verbally attacking me is helpful?” I’m careful not to raise my voice so Gwennie can hear me, but the anger is unmistakable.

  “Calm down there … Remember that everyone has a story, something that has shaped them.”

  “You’re not the first to say that, but it’s just an excuse.” I shake my head. “Is her background that much worse than the rest of ours?”

  Phoenix looks up to the treetops. For a second, I think he has chosen to stay quiet to end our conversation. “Look, Gwennie has a lot of anger in her, it helps fuel her and helps her keep going. It’s like a defense mechanism so that she won’t break apart. I know she got her

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  love for debate from her father. Around ten years ago, he was well known for questioning Tenebris. He is why there wasn’t any re-elections for the president after he served his term and stuff like that. Gwennie’s father tried to campaign against him.”

  “He started the Rebellion?”

  “No. But he helped spark the fuse that later became the Rebellion. He didn’t believe in hiding or sneaking around. He wasn’t afraid …” Phoenix looks at Gwennie and I can see the sympathy in his eyes.

  “So, Tenebris had him killed?” I ask, even though the answer seems obvious.

  Phoenix exhales before he continues, a grim look on his face. “He did so much more. He made an example out of him. He murdered not only Gwennie’s father but her mother and two younger siblings. The armed forces that came to his house slaughtered her whole family, right in front of Gwennie. Then, they raped her and beat her. She was barely alive when they left. But Tenebris wanted her to live, so she could tell everyone what happens if you ask too many questions.”

  I clench my fists by my side and take deep breathes to make the nausea disappear. How could she have lived through that? How does

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  she keep living after seeing her whole family die? I still can’t believe that almost every day I’m provided with facts about Tenebris’ cruelty and heartlessness. How could he perform one horrible act after the next? How could I have judged Gwennie without knowing her full story?

  Phoenix pats my back slightly. “See, it’s not easy being hard on Gwennie when you know her story.”

  “How did she survive it?”

  “Hate. She has sworn to avenge her family and kill as many of Tenebris’ men as possible.”

  We walk in silence for the rest of the morning. I’m too shattered to talk after hearing Gwennie’s story. It makes me think about the other crew members. They all must have their reasons for joining the Rebellion, risking their lives to improve the lives of others, to fight for a brighter tomorrow. And I will do whatever I can to help. I’m in this too now.

  By nightfall we have made it to the outskirts of Hope. Everyone is on alert and the talking stopped long ago.

  “Ok, we will split into two teams,” Ryker says, keeping his voice low. “Me, Gwennie and Phoenix will go to the shack, take the

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  provisions and then come back. If we are not back before nightfall, Adira will be in charge and you will move on without us.” He turns his attention to me. “Let’s go over how we can find their place.”

  “You’re not going in there without me,” I say, trying to copy his serious voice.

  “Eddie, this is too dangerous. You should stay where you are safe.”

  “Well, I’m not telling you where the shack is, so good luck going in there without me.” I fold my arms over my chest and stare at Ryker. I’m not going to be left behind like some child that needs babysitting. I don’t need any special treatment. Also, part of me is scared about what could happen. What if the three of them don’t make it back? I’m done sitting on the sidelines.

  Gwennie chuckles low. “Just let them come. If it’s safe, we can stay the night.”

  I can see the muscles in Ryker’s jaw tensing. He’s not used to someone going against his orders. But I’m not technically part of the crew, so I don’t have to obey him.

  “You are not making my job easy you know,” Ryker says, as he turns around to walk toward the village. I can’t help but smile as I jog

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  up to join him. After all, I’m the one who knows the way.

  “Thanks,” I give him a light nudge with my elbow.

  “Just stay close to me at all times.”

  “Promise,” I reply.

  We sneak up the streets toward Rufus’ and Gilbert’s old shack, walking in groups of three and two, so as not to bring unwanted attention. I walk with Ryker, so close our elbows touch.

  Dusk is upon us, which means no one is out on the streets. Our only worry would be the Scully’s. Even though I know they are most likely inside, where they can keep warm, my eyes still dart back and forth, searching every nock on the street for danger. The cold sweeps in as soon as the sun disappears. The small puddles of water on the ground have already frozen and tiny ice crystal glitters on the window glass. I can’t help it, but my teeth shudder with each breath I take. The air is so cold it stings in my lungs. Winter is here early. The drastic temperature changes between day and night were never this brutal before global warming.

  I’m filled with relief as I see the small shack standing strong in between the two houses. I push away the thoughts of my friends and focus on what we’re here to do. When I warned the crew before that the

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  door was bolted with locks, everyone had laughed and looked at Orland who just smirked and casually lifted his shoulders; clearly an inside joke I didn’t get. I still haven’t heard Orland talk since I met the crew. It baffles me, but this time I know better than to make assumptions.

  When we’re a few meters away, Orland walks past us as Ryker puts his arm around me to stop me from walking any further. “Let Orland do his thing. We don’t want everybody gathering around the door. It will look suspicious.”

  I just nod my head. I don’t want to waste my energy talking now since all I can focus on is staying warm. Ryker notices my discomfort and puts both hands on my arm, rubbing them to make me warmer. “We’ll be inside soon.”

  I hear an almost unnoticeable click and Ryker moves in an instant, guiding me to the now open door. Orland is already inside, the rest of the crew joining us within seconds. Adira is the last one in so she bolts the door shut from the inside. The oil lamp that Gwennie turns on brings a warm glow to the crowded room. Boston and Orland are already busy building a fire in the fireplace and I watch Phoenix disappear into the backroom. “J
ackpot!”

  Everyone except me, Adira and Ryker scrambles to go see what

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  Phoenix has discovered. Joyful cheers from the others are heard immediately. I can’t help but smile. We are all hungry. Having to make do with berries and small animals for days is never ideal.

  Phoenix comes back in the room with a carton of eggs and potatoes. The others are right behind him carrying other food items.

  “Can you believe this!? I can’t even remember the last time I had potatoes. I’m not even sure I know what they taste like anymore,” Phoenix says as he carries the bag like it is gold.

  “This is going to be one heck of a dinner, mark my words,” Boston replies and rolls up his sleeves, eager to get started.

  I wonder if those are my potatoes, the ones I traded for with Rufus and Gilbert just weeks ago. It feels like a lifetime since we sat at their tent. So much has changed since then.

  As the room gets warm from the fire, I go and sit on the double bed in the corner. I rub my hands together to chase away the cold. Ryker might be the commander in the field, but when it comes to cooking Boston is the one to take charge, giving out orders to his friends. The eggs are boiled for us to bring tomorrow. That’s easy protein to carry along with the dried meat. The potatoes are scrubbed for tonight’s dinner, a stew if I heard Boston correctly.

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  Soon the aroma fills the air and my stomach gives off a noise in return. I wish we could stay in this moment longer. Everyone is so happy and relaxed. It’s like a regular gathering of friends over dinner. For a second, I forget our mission and what we need do tomorrow.

  Ryker brings me a bowl with the hot stew, the steam dances above its edges. The delicious smell reaches me before he can even hand it to me. Food has never tasted as good. I hardly notice that Ryker sits down next to me. Gwennie joins us on the other edge. The sparsely furnished room only has so many places to sit.

  “Good work on guiding us here,” he says in between spoonsful of food.

  “Yeah, you sure know where to get the top-quality food, little rat,” Gwennie says with a sarcastic smile. She started calling me little rat yesterday when I caught a rat with one of my traps.

  I ignore her. It’s the best strategy to avoid more arguments. Instead, I address Ryker. “So, what’s the plan for tomorrow?”

  He leans back on his elbows, looking more relaxed today than I have ever seen him. “Adira takes us all to this-so-called Scully gangs ammunition depot. All of us will have to go. I can’t waste anyone that can shoot a gun.”

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  I know what he isn’t saying; that he would prefer to leave a few people to stay and watch me, so that I don’t have to come. “That’s smart. I have met the Scully’s before and they should not be underestimated.”

  “Listen to her; already a strategist,” Gwennie laughs. “We should leave her behind. She can’t protect herself, so she’ll only be a liability. She can stay here by herself if we lock the door, right, little rat?”

  “You’re right, I can’t shoot a gun or protect myself. But I want to learn. I want to be able to carry my own weight.” I glare at Gwennie who has a surprised look on her face. I expect her to come with some snarky remark but instead she just lifts her shoulders. “I can teach you to shoot.” She stands up and walks over to Phoenix who is busy helping himself to seconds.

  My mouth hangs open for a second as I process what she just said. “That’s the first time she has ever said something remotely nice to me.”

  Ryker chuckles, “Yeah, that’s as good as it gets with our Gwen.”

  That night I sleep like the dead. Even though I know we’re in a village

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  that is run by the Scully’s and not far away from Tenebris, I still feel oddly safe in this crowded room, laying in the far edge of the double bed with Adira on one side and the brick wall on the other. Gwennie is sleeping next to Adira while the boys have made temporary beds on the floor, taking shifts of staying awake to be on guard. At least I know I don’t have to fear waking up with a knife at my throat.

  When I do wake up, I feel rested. Even though it’s dark outside, I still can’t manage to go back to sleep. The room bathes in a low yellow tint from the small fire that is slowly dying. Everyone is sleeping except Ryker who is sitting guard on a chair right by the front door. We lock eyes as I sit up on my elbows. “Morning,” he whispers.

  “Hey.” A yawn escapes me as I move to the end of the bed, closer to where he’s sitting.

  “You can still sleep another half an hour if you need to. We’re not heading out until right before dawn.” He keeps his voice low, careful not to wake anyone else.

  “I’m okay.” My nerves are on high alert now that I have started thinking about what’s going to happen at dawn. I’m repeating all the details of the plan in my head to make sure I don’t forget anything.

  “Don’t worry, everything will go as planned.” Ryker manages to

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  sound confident even when he whispers. How can he be so sure and so calm when everything to me feels like a stormy sea?

  “Let’s talk about something else. Otherwise, I’ll just get nervous.” I sit on the edge of the wooden bed frame now, only an arm’s reach from Ryker. “How did you become commander? I have to say I find it a bit curious. Aren’t you pretty young to hold a title like that?”

  The light might be low, but I can still see a crooked grin on Ryker’s face. “Way to go with changing the topic there.” He leans his elbows on his legs as he continues. “I’m one of the youngest in the Rebellion, but I have been trained for this since I was born.”

  “The Rebellion was only formed ten years ago. I don’t think I’m wrong when I say you look a bit old than ten.”

  “Ha ha. I mean I have been trained for the army since I was born, not the Rebellion. My parents were both generals in Tenebris’ army. It’s not a stretch saying that they were his best ones.” He pauses and looks at his hands for a second. His smile is gone now. “My parents never planned on having children. They were not the nurturing kind. Since the day I was born they treated me as a fellow soldier under their command, making sure I did the work, learnt the tactics and the methods.”

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  “Tenebris killed your parents too?”

  “No. Last I knew, they’re still very much alive.” Ryker’s eyes meet mine and I see a sadness there that I recognize. I reach out my hand to his to offer some kind of comfort. “It must be hard being here while they are stuck on the other side.”

  Ryker gives my hand a gentle squeeze. “I’ve never had parents like yours Eddie, or like Gwennie’s or Phoenix’. My parents never loved me or cared for me. I don’t mourn them. They’re monsters, just like Tenebris. They chose to work for him and do his bidding. They like it.”

  I shake my head gently. “I don’t believe any parent could not love their child. It’s in our DNA.”

  “It’s sweet that you have that outlook. But I know it’s not true. The only thing my parents ever liked in me was my talents in the field or at training. Then, they would brag that I was their son.”

  “You left because they treated you badly?”

  “I left right after I did my first mission with the special unit. I saw what our people did and were told to do. I could never serve or support a ruler like Tenebris. I left that same day…found the Rebellion shortly after. And when the mission to find you came up, I was

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  promoted to commander. I knew the area and I know how the army functions. I was their best choice.”

  “And you did find me,” I say, trying to lighten the mood. Ryker has gotten so gloomy talking about his past.

  “Yeah, and then you ran away. I never saw that coming…”

  A low laugh escapes me. “What can I say? I like to be unpredictable.”

  Ryker is back at smiling that crocked grin. “Just don’t run away again, okay?”

  “I promise.”

  Ryker runs his thumb over the
back of my hand before he lets go to stand. The small and almost unnoticeable movement sends sparks through my body and I look away to quickly focus on something else. I can’t let my emotions cloud my judgment this time.

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  Chapter 20

  Dawn wraps us in a blanket of fog as soon as we step outside the door. The laughter and jokes are all gone as is the warmth and protective walls of the shack. The cold air prickles my lungs as I take my first breath. The small goosebumps line my neck instantly. The weather would have been more amicable if we waited until sunrise had past, but that would’ve been too dangerous. Ryker was adamant about going at this time. Since the thick fog prevents us from seeing more than six feet ahead, I know he was right. It’s the perfect way to stay hidden.

  The Scullys’ ammunition stock is kept in a large industrial building at the edge of town. It used to be a lumber factory a long time ago, when industries and companies bloomed. But it was long abandoned when the Scully’s claimed it.

  Yesterday, when Adira was going over the plan, she talked about her previous work, of how she was the head of the Three Eyes Division, which stood for Intelligence, Information and Interception Division for the Rebellion. She was the one to recruit and train all the eyes and ears inside Tenebris’ hold. Although, that wasn’t the main