My mother’s anger jolted me out of my own. This was the rage of a woman scorned. She’d never gotten over him. I softened, thinking about her broken heart at age eighteen. I’d still been a child at eighteen. But I remembered quite clearly how grief and betrayal had made Brandi grow up overnight.
“Mom, what do we do now?"
She sighed, as if relieved by my gentler tone. "I don't know. If you think about it, nothing’s really different between you and Brandi. You've always acted like sisters."
I thought of her as my sister. Had I known the truth on some level?
"Do you think Brandi will ever forgive me?" Mom asked.
“I don’t know what she’ll think.” I looked down at my hands. What if Brandi saw me as complicit somehow? What if she blamed me? Would she see me as a threat to her relationship with her father? Our father, I thought. My father. "When is Jack telling her?"
“As we speak.”
My heart skipped a beat. I said a silent prayer. Please God, take care of Brandi and that baby. Don't let this harm them.
“I have to go now,” I said. “I need some to time think.”
“I understand.” She rose out of the chair and reached out to me. “I’m sorry, honey.”
“I know you are, but that doesn’t make this all right.”
For the first time in my life, I rejected a hug from my mother and left without another word.
As I got in my car, a text came through from Brandi.
Holy crap. Can you come over?
I wrote back that I’d be there in a few minutes. As I drove away from the lodge, the enormity of my mother’s confession washed over me. What was I supposed to do now? Would this disrupt my friendship with Brandi and Trapper? What about Jack? Would he wish he’d never known?
The more I went over all the details in my head, the more convinced I was that this was partially my fault. How had I been so stupid to just accept my mother’s explanation of a stranger and a one-night stand? I should have done one of those DNA tests and figured out the truth earlier. How had I not suspected Jack was my father once my mom told me about their relationship in high school? Numbers had never been my strongest subject, but even I could do simple math.
By the time I’d reached Brandi’s, I was sick to my stomach. The repercussions of this on all of us would now begin to unfold. A sense of dread weighed me down as I crossed the yard to their front door. Normally, I would just walk in without knocking, but for some reason I felt like a stranger. Should I knock or ring the doorbell?
Trapper saved me from the decision. He pulled me into a hug. "How are you holding up?"
"I'm all right. How’s Brandi?"
“She was surprised. No doubt about that. Then she decided that she's known all along."
I smiled. “I thought about that too. How we instantly bonded when we were little girls.” The first summer I stayed with them, my grandmother had arranged for Brandi to come over to the house so that I might make a friend. I was shy and quiet, but so was Brandi. However, the minute we met, we’d started talking and playing together. That had not stopped.
I followed Trapper into the house. The scent of coffee brewing filled the kitchen. “You want coffee?” Trapper asked.
“No, I’m jittery enough.”
"She's waiting for you upstairs. Go on up,” Trapper said.
Anxious to see her, I practically sprinted up those stairs. I tapped my knuckles on the door.
“Crystal, is that you?”
“Yes, can I come in?”
“Get in here,” Brandi said.
I crept into the room feeling a bit like a dog with my tail between my legs.
She was dressed in a white cotton nightgown and had her hair twisted into a braid. “Don’t look like that. This is a happy day.”
“Happy? Or confusing?” I sat next to her on the bed as the questions tumbled from my mouth. “I can’t believe she lied all this time. How are you? Are you upset? Mad at me? Mad at Mom? How was Jack? Is he as angry as me?”
“Slow down. I’m not mad at anyone, especially not you. You and I are innocent.”
“I guess we are. For some reason, I feel like I did something wrong. Like this is all my fault somehow.”
“You did nothing wrong. As far as Dad goes, I’d say he’s more in shock than anything. He feels a lot of guilt about his part in it.”
“The cheating?”
“Right. And that your mom had to raise you all alone when my mom didn’t. He feels like a bad guy, which he’s not used to.”
Without the cheating, there would be no Brandi. Had that occurred to her? “One thing I don’t understand, though. You’re older than me. I don’t understand the math.”
“I was six weeks premature.”
I stared at her, shocked. “You were? How did I not know this?”
“It was a quirk of my mother’s. She never wanted me to tell anyone for fear they’d think there was something wrong with me. You know how she is.”
“So that makes sense, then,” I said. “We were conceived not that far apart but you came early.” I glanced out the window as another detail occurred to me. “I was late by two weeks. They had to induce my mom.”
“Which makes us two months apart.”
“How could this have not occurred to me?” I asked. “I feel like an idiot.”
“If so, then we both are.” Brandi chuckled. “It seems like we might have suspected after we learned they’d dated in high school. I blame my pregnancy hormones. They’re making me dumber than usual.”
“I have no excuse,” I said. “Other than blinders. I’ve spent all my life trying to forget about the idea of a father.”
“To protect yourself,” Brandi said. “Which is completely understandable.”
“Is it weird to think your dad has another child?” I asked.
She nodded her head vigorously. “That he had another child was shocking enough, but that it was you? I was so bowled over when he told me that I went utterly speechless. Do you know how they say that, but no one really is? I was."
I inspected her closely. For damage. Anger. But there was nothing. Just her clear, kind eyes staring back at me. The best friend I’d been able to count on for as long as I could remember. My sister. That would take some getting used to.
Brandi reached for my hand. "I know you're angry right now. You have every right to be. I'm sure your mother did what she thought was best.”
“She said she loved him too much to make him choose,” I said. “I mean, he’d already promised your mother he’d marry her.”
“That was without knowledge of you,” Brandi said. “I wonder what he would have done had he known? Think about how different our childhoods would have been if he’d chosen you and your mother.”
“It would have been an impossible choice.” Although I still reeled with anger, I could imagine how scared and young she was at the time.
“I understand why your mother did what she did.”
“You do?” I asked.
“I made a similar decision when I found out I was pregnant. You understood why I did what I did at the time. Maybe you can give your mom the same grace you gave me.”
I hadn't thought of it that way. Brandi had gotten pregnant at the end of their senior year and instead of telling Trapper, she'd let him leave to pursue a hockey scholarship. The baby had not lived, which made it easier for her to keep it from him. For ten years, all the time they were apart, he didn’t know that Brandi had given birth to a baby that hadn’t lived. He’d been able to forgive her, and now they were in their own happily ever after. Could I forgive my mother the way he’d forgiven Brandi?
"I hadn't thought of it like that,” I said. "But think about all those years we lost. We can’t get that time back.”
"The same could be said for Trapper and me. We choose not to think about it that way. We think only about all the years we have left."
"You're both better people than me,” I said.
Brandi laughed. "You
're the best person I know.”
“I try, but I’m not sure.”
“Sisters. Can you believe it?”
“Not yet, no. Nothing’s sunk in all the way yet. Will it be weird for you? For you to share your dad with me?"
"Honestly, no. He’s the best dad in the whole world, and I’m glad for both of you that you have a second chance.”
"Do you know what this means? I’m going to be the baby’s aunt.”
"You were always her aunt. Only now it's official." She touched the sleeve of my blouse. “Tell me what’s going on with Garth.”
“It’s a mess.” I proceeded to tell her about the last few days, ending with the question that had been on my mind ever since. “He asked me if I thought we’d have had a chance had his mother not left or if I’d had a father.”
“Interesting. What do you think?” Brandi asked.
“I think this morning seems like a long time ago now.”
“Can I ask you this? Where do you want to be tonight when all of this starts to sink in?” She put up a hand. “Don’t think. Just answer.”
“I’d like to be with Garth.”
“Don’t you think that’s your answer?”
15
Garth
Dad and I were out on the patio wearing winter coats and smoking cigars when Crystal arrived. We’d come out to enjoy the fire pit and fresh air. I’d been grateful for Dad’s company as his ebullient personality distracted me from worrying about what came next in my life.
“Hey guys,” Crystal said.
“Everything okay?” She’d obviously been crying.
My dad stood and led her over to one of the chairs. "Hey, Mouse. You seem a little puny.”
She sat and pulled her coat tighter over her chest. “I’m all right. Shocked but all right.”
"I can see that on your face," I said. “Is it something about your mother?”
“She told me who my father is.”
I lurched forward. "No way."
"Remember how I told you that she and Jack were high school sweethearts?" Crystal asked.
Oh God. I knew what she was going to say. The other day, when I’d seen them together, an odd feeling had come over me. “He’s your father, isn’t he?”
“How did you know?” she asked. “I had no idea.”
“After you told me about their relationship in high school, it crossed my mind because of the math. I quickly dismissed the idea. I didn’t think your mother would have kept that from either of you.”
“She did.”
I hated to hear the bitter tone in her voice. "Does Brandi know yet?” What would she think about all this? God, the repercussions of Jennifer’s lies were far-reaching. I didn’t want to think about how this might derail us. Another person she’d trusted had betrayed her. Not by dying this time, but by a terrible secret. Would this make it even harder for Crystal to trust me?
“Yes. I just came from talking with Brandi. She was surprised. A few days ago we didn’t even know our parents dated in high school, and now this. We’re already like sisters, so this doesn’t really change anything.” She started to cry. “But can you believe we never knew? All this time, we’ve been super close with no idea who we really are to each other.”
Dad poured Crystal a glass of whiskey from the bottle on the side table next to him. “Have a drink. You’ve had a shock.”
She took a tentative sip. “I can’t believe this.”
“Have you heard from Jack yet?” I asked.
“No, not yet. I have no idea how to approach him. There’s no playbook about how to suddenly think of someone as your father that has been just your friend’s dad all these years. He might not even want to be part of my life. I mean, he can’t just automatically feel something for me simply because we share DNA.”
“If he wants to be part of your life then he will be,” Dad said. “If not, you’ll still go on and do whatever comes next in yours.”
Given my mother’s surprise visit, I had to wonder if he was directing that to me.
“Listen, kids, I’m going to let you two talk,” Dad said.
“Thanks, Dad.” I gave him a grateful smile.
“Appreciate it, Brian,” Crystal said.
“Not a problem.” Dad leaned down to give Crystal a quick kiss on the top of the head. “You hang in there, Mouse.”
After he disappeared into the house, I motioned for Crystal to come sit with me. “Come here. Let me warm you up.”
She crawled in beside me. I covered us both with one of the blankets we’d brought out with us.
“I said I wanted answers. I guess I got them,” she said.
I kissed her temple. “But this was a heck of an answer. Are you okay?”
“I’m better now I’m here with you.”
“What do you need from me? What can I do?” I asked. My very male way of wanting to fix everything had kicked into full gear.
She snuggled closer. I breathed in the scent of her hair. “This is exactly what I need.”
“I’m glad.” I looked up at the sky. The stars were hidden by cloud cover.
“There was no one else I wanted to go to.”
After my mother’s shocking revelation about having had cancer, I’d been anxious to speak with Crystal. “This was the day for mother bombs,” I said. “My mom had cancer last year and never told me. That’s one of the reasons she’s here. She knows the time we have isn’t forever and wants us to be closer.”
“How do you feel about that?”
“Is it too trite to use the word healing?”
“Not if that’s what it gave you,” she said.
“I feel for the first time that we might actually have a relationship.”
She barked out a bitter laugh. “How ironic, since my relationship with my mother just blew up.”
I couldn’t think of an antidote to soothe her. Her mother had lied to her about something so fundamental. How could Crystal ever forgive her?
“All my life, I wanted a father,” Crystal said. “My mother knew that. And she lied to me, over and over. Every day was a lie.”
“Did she explain why?” Jennifer Whalen was a good person. She’d obviously had a reason that made sense to her.
“It was because he told her he planned on marrying Brandi’s mom. My mother thought they were moving to Seattle together, and then he tells her he’s cheated and gotten another girl pregnant. Mom didn’t want to put him in the position to have to choose. So she left. Did everything on her own. And lied to me my whole life.”
“I can understand how she felt like she had no choice but to go it alone.”
I felt her stiffen. “You can?”
“Don’t mistake me,” I said. “I understand your side of it absolutely. However, think about it from your mother’s perspective. It must have been such a hard blow. To learn that he’d cheated and gotten her pregnant too. That kind of betrayal would make anyone do what they had to do to survive.”
“I still don’t understand.” She began to sob. “She robbed us of all those years. I was here every summer, for heaven’s sake. I was at their house and all this time I had no idea he was the father I so desperately wanted. We can’t get those years back. What if you’re right—if I’d known my dad, maybe I wouldn’t be so messed up. Maybe I wouldn’t be so confused about everything.”
“There’s no doubt our missing parents had an effect on us,” I said. “The more time I spend with my mother, the more I understand what happened. Seeing them as people and not just our parents is a rite of passage.”
“I don’t want to,” she said. “I want to be mad. At least for a while.”
“You have every right to be.”
She relaxed against me.
“I’m sorry. What can I do?” I asked.
“Just be here with me.”
“If you need me, I’ll be right there by your side. You can count on that.”
She put her head on my chest and cried as if her heart would break. I would have
done anything to ease her pain. I was helpless. All I could do was hold her as tightly as my bruised ribs would allow.
When she finally stopped crying, I asked her what she would do next. “Will you see Jack tomorrow?”
“What choice do either of us have? We have to confront all this head-on. Especially because of Brandi. It’s not like we can email each other before we agree to meet. I’ve known him almost all my life.”
“From what I’ve seen, Jack is a good person,” I said. “He might see his own part in all of it and be able to get past feelings of anger and regret and see what a remarkable opportunity it is to have a relationship with you now.”
“Thinking of him as my father? Will that ever seem real?”
“I’m not sure. I’d guess that someday this will seem normal. Isn’t that how it is when we’re adjusting to a new reality? At first, it’s hard to understand or accept, but after a time it becomes the new normal. For now, give yourself some time to let it all sink in. Everything will look better in the morning after a good night’s sleep.”
“What if it doesn’t?”
“I’ll still be here. Whatever happens next, I’ll be here when you wake up and when you come home.”
16
Crystal
I was in the back office of my shop finishing up some paperwork when I heard Jack Vargas's voice coming from the front. My stomach turned over. This is it. The time has come. I would have to face him.
Ironically, at the same time, a text came in from my mother. Can we talk?
I couldn’t respond. Not yet, anyway. For the first time in my life, I was ignoring her calls and messages. Some children had had rebellious streaks growing up. I’d been as compliant and flexible as my mother’s clay. However, we’d never experienced this kind of rift. I wasn’t sure I could get past the betrayal. The lies that had piled up one after the other compounded over time. I’d had a father I could have known. We would have had a real relationship instead of only a connection through Brandi.
Think of it from his perspective, I told myself. I’m sure he was as nervous as I. It's not every day you find out you have another daughter.
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