I took a deep breath and walked out to the front.
"Hi, Jack."
“Crystal, hey.” He shifted, rocking on one foot and then the other. He wore his usual khakis and conservative button-down shirt. Had there ever been more of an “opposites attract” than my mother and Jack Vargas?
"I'm sorry to drop by unannounced," he said.
“It's no problem." My voice sounded shaky and dry and not at all like myself. Actually, I felt like a child standing here in front of the father I’d yearned for all my life.
"Brandi said I would find you here."
Conscious that Mindy had picked up on the weird vibe between us, I suggested we take a walk. Soon, the whole town would know my mother’s secret.
Jack agreed. “Grab your coat and hat, though. It’s cold today.”
I flushed with pleasure. He’d suggested a coat. This is what it would have been like to have him in my life. At that thought, a whole new fury enveloped me. Don’t think about all that now. Focus on Jack. Working this out with my mother didn’t have a place in the moment. I’d been robbed of thirty years. I wouldn’t let her steal a moment more.
“Hang on two seconds,” I said. “I’ll be right back.” I got my coat from the office along with a cap and gloves. Seconds later, we walked out to the sidewalk. Snow had finally stopped falling, replaced by sunny weather with temperatures in the low twenties. Our streets were clear, thanks to the snowplows that had come through earlier. One of Brandi’s employees had shoveled the snow in front of both our shops. Most of the other businesses had done the same. Anyone who owned a store in Emerson Pass knew shoveling snow came with the job description.
"Are you hungry?" I asked. "We could get some lunch."
"Sure, I could eat.” We agreed to go to the bar and grill. I hoped, although I knew it was futile, that we would not run into anybody we knew.
Frosty air stung my cheeks. Bits of fallen snow drifted from the rooftops and trees to dance in the breeze. Thanksgiving was a week away, and the shops had started to decorate for the holidays. Soon twinkling lights would make the main street of town look like a fairyland. We’d keep the lights until the end of February. They brightened the dark days of the deep midwinter.
As we walked toward the bar and grill, we made small talk. He asked about my business. Was it doing well? Did I find it too time-consuming, in addition to my charity work? He seemed genuinely interested, so I shared with him my plan to sell the shop to Mindy. "She's been saving up enough for the down payment. I bought it only to keep myself busy when I first moved here. Now that I’m helping families and businesses rebuild, I don’t really have the need for a distraction.”
"Brandi said you insisted Garth’s house be rebuilt first."
"He needed one more than I do. I have Brandi. She and Trapper have been incredibly generous. Taking us in—the refugees of Emerson Pass.”
“You’re a blessing to Brandi. Especially now.”
“I never had siblings growing up.” I pressed my gloved fingers against my mouth, self-conscious that I’d stated the obvious. “You know that. Anyway, it’s been fun to live with them. Like a family. I always wanted that.” Like a family? What was wrong with me? Would my social blunders continue all through lunch? “I don’t know why I keep saying stuff like that.”
To my surprise, Jack laughed. “I know, this is weird. There’s really no handbook for this kind of thing, right?”
“Right.”
“Can we just agree to do the best we can?” Jack asked.
“I can agree to that. It’s so strange. All of this. I can’t wrap my mind around any of it.”
“I know. I feel the same way.” Jack glanced at me. “It’s hard to think about all the years I’ve known you and yet didn’t know who you really are to me.”
Who I was to him? What would that evolve into? Would we always feel as awkward as we did right now?
“Brandi told me you girls had a good talk.”
“I thought she might feel weird about all this. As far as I can tell, she’s happy.”
“That’s my girl.”
A twinge of jealousy hit me then. My girl. She’d always been his girl. When I’d been desperate for a father, she’d had him. No, don’t be unkind and petty. Brandi was innocent in all this. No matter how we sliced this open, she and I were blameless. Nothing would or could break our bond. Sisters or best friends? Really, what was the difference? None, when it came to Brandi and me. As long as I kept myself in check.
We were almost to the bar and grill. I was breathless, as if we’d run here instead of strolled.
Jack held the door open for me. “In you go.”
I liked the gesture. In you go had such a dad vibe to it. Would it have been as meaningful to me yesterday, before I knew he was my father? I might not have even noticed. Now he was my dad, and his words had made me feel cherished. How strange.
A few minutes later we were seated in a booth next to the fireplace. We’d beaten the lunch crowd. Vintage Vince Gill crooned through the speakers. Soon, the bar and dining room would fill with hungry skiers, fresh from the slopes, and drown out the music.
We each ordered a salad and a cherry Italian soda. When the server walked away, I turned back to Jack. "Do you always order a cherry Italian soda? Or did I give you the idea?"
“I always order one when I’m here. They’re especially good, don't you think?"
"I do." I smiled, pleased that we had this in common. “What else do you like? What do you like to eat?” Under the table, I rubbed one of my fingernails with the pad of my thumb. "Garth teases me that I have an obsession with food and drink."
"How could you not? It’s your job, after all."
"Some women remember what they were wearing during certain events. I always remember what I had to eat.”
Jack chuckled. "My mother was that way. You remind me of her."
“How so?" My heart leaped in anticipation. "My mom told me you said I look like her."
"You do. Now all I can see when I look at you is her. I don’t know how I didn’t notice the resemblance all those years..”
“The truth never occurred to you? Until recently, that is?"
"I know, it's crazy. Especially when you think about how much time you spent with Brandi when you were younger. I guess we all have blinders about things we can’t conceive of. I would never have thought your mother would keep a secret like this.”
"How are you feeling about…that part?"
“Shocked, obviously. I feel terrible that I didn't know. Your mother and I are both responsible for that."
"How is it your responsibility? You didn't know about me."
"Yes, but it was my mistake that led to her decision. Had it not happened the way it did with Malinda, she wouldn't have had to run away.” He tilted his head, watching me. “You’re upset with her?”
“Furious.”
“No one could blame you for that. However, I hope at some point you can forgive her. We all do the best we can with what we have."
I teared up, move by the kindness of his words. This was a good man. A man who would have been tortured given the choice between two women and two babies. My mother was right about that.
"Where do we go from here?" I asked.
"I suppose we get to know each other in a whole new way. You've been Brandi’s best friend for a long time. I've always thought you were a special girl. A woman, I mean. I was grateful for your friendship with Brandi as well as for your mother’s presence in Brandi’s life. As you know, Malinda was a difficult person. Is difficult. She's not dead." His mouth turned upward into a half smile that did nothing to disguise the hardness in his eyes at the mention of her name.
"She was difficult.” My cheeks warmed. Why was I talking about Malinda? “It's really none of my business. But it always bothered me, the way Malinda treated Brandi.”
He let out a sigh. "Me too."
The server delivered our sodas. Jack set aside the straw and took a sip from the plastic
glass. Was he like me and against straws?
“No straw?” I asked.
“They should have reusable ones.”
“That’s exactly what I think,” I said.
"My mom and I have always been close, even though we're very different. This, though. I don’t know how to get past the lies. Brandi pointed out that my mother’s situation and decision were similar to the one she’d made herself at eighteen.”
“True.”
“Somehow it's different when it's your mother. There were so many times when I was young that I wished for a father.” I grabbed a napkin to wipe underneath my eyes. "When I think of everything we missed, it's hard to reconcile. She lied to us both for thirty years.”
“I’m sad about all of the missed years, too,” Jack said. “But as my wise daughter told me this morning, there's no point in being bitter about the past. We’re here now. We have many years left to spend together.”
“Let’s start with a cherry soda,” I said.
After lunch, Jack and I strolled down the sidewalk along Barnes Avenue. Thin winter sunlight warmed the top of my head and made the snow sparkle. As we neared the park, Jack gestured toward the gazebo. "Stop for a minute?"
I agreed, wishing for more time with him. Lunch had gone too fast.
We walked over to the bench that faced the statue of Alexander Barnes. We all knew the story. Alexander had made an abandoned mining town into a community. He’d invited merchants and tradesman from all over the country to come and open businesses, providing loans and encouraging them to bring their families. His wife Quinn, whom the high school was named after, had been the first schoolteacher of Emerson Pass. Her legacy of education for all, regardless of religion or race, had been carried forward for generations.
“What a love story,” I said. “Quinn and Alexander.”
“This whole town was founded by the idea that we’re greater together than apart.” Jack brushed the snow from the bench with his gloved hand and waited for me to sit before joining me. "I always thought people from here were more likely to fall in love with each other than from other places. Like our ancestors lingered around playing Cupid.”
“It does seem that way. What do you know about our family?” I asked. Our family. Yes, it was mine now too.
“Lizzie and Jasper came with Alexander Barnes from England.” Alexander Barnes had been a British lord but had given it all up to come to the American frontier to strike out on his own. “Lizzie was his cook and Jasper his butler.”
“My mom said Harley and Merry worked for them, too.”
“That’s right. Until they started breeding horses. I’m fairly certain Alexander gave them the money to get all that started.”
“I’m trying to be like him.” I took my sunglasses out of my jacket pocket and put them on to protect my light eyes from the glare. “I’d like to do something important with my life.”
“You’re doing that now. All your charity work’s making a huge difference.”
“I hope so. I’m not sure.” I paused for a moment as a sparrow sang from the tree above us. Sparrows were special to Brandi and Trapper, reminding them of the little girl they’d lost.
Jack poked at a tuft of snow with his boot. “When I lost my parents, Brandi was only a few years old. I felt pretty alone. My marriage was unhappy. I was barely keeping up with work while going to school at night. I couldn’t sleep even though I was exhausted. The only way I could fall asleep was on the floor next to Brandi’s crib.”
The image of him watching over baby Brandi made me want to weep. For him and his loveless marriage. For me and my fatherless childhood.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “That was a stupid thing to say.”
“No, it wasn’t. I don’t want you to feel like you can’t talk about what it was like with you and Brandi. Just because I didn’t get you doesn’t mean you have to apologize for being there for her.”
"I don’t know if this will make things better or worse. But I want you to know that I was very much in love with your mother. I wanted to marry her and grow old together. I messed up. I can't ever make that up to you. That being true, I’d sure like to try."
I blinked away tears. "To be honest, I can't imagine you with my mother."
He chuckled. "Why not?"
“She’s such a free spirit. You're so steady and safe."
"Boring is more the word.”
“I like boring. I wish Patrick had been a little more boring. Maybe he’d still be here.”
“But would you have fallen in love with him if he wasn’t exactly who he was?”
“Probably not.” The qualities that had attracted me were the very ones that caused him to head out in the helicopter that day. “I’m more like you. He made me more adventurous and joyful. I loved that about him.”
“What was it like growing up with your mother? I bet she kept you entertained.”
“She’s the most fun of anyone I’ve ever known. The most ordinary thing would turn into a hilarious adventure. She was always supportive and encouraging about whatever I wanted to do or be. Almost too much. I could have come home and told her I wanted to join a traveling circus and she would have said what a delightfully eccentric thing to do and could she come too?”
Jack laughed. “I could see her following the circus.”
“She was always impeccably dressed, but not at all like the other mothers with their jeans and sweaters. Did you know she worked at a department store before her art took off?”
“No, I didn’t.”
“Instead of buying clothes at the shop, she went to thrift stores and found the most beautiful things. Everywhere we went, people flocked to her. After her work started to take off and the art community opened up to her, she became kind of famous. We moved downtown and she was always having these parties with arty types—theater actors, painters, opera singers. You name it and they were at our apartment.”
“They must have been interesting.”
“Looking back, yes. But I liked my summers here with Nan and Pop better. I preferred the quiet and nature and my Nan’s way of making everything simple. My happiest memories were of my summers here. I can remember laying out on the grass and watching the sky and feeling that this was where I belonged.”
“I watched the sky when I was young too. I don’t know why I stopped,” Jack said.
“Life happens and you forget that peace comes from watching a cloud move across the sky.”
“Or the way the stars shine on a night in July,” Jack said. “Your mother and I used to go down to the river on summer nights. We’d spread a blanket out and just take in the stars. She would tell me that she wanted to travel all over the world and have an unusual life. Everything seemed possible for us back then.”
“That sounds like her. I just wanted to be like everyone else. My mother wasn’t like anyone else. Ever.”
Jack nodded as a smile broke out over his face. "I loved that about her. She never cared what people thought about her. My mother called it dancing to your own music."
"She certainly did that. Does that."
“I wasn’t that way, as I’m sure you can picture.” He chuckled as if remembering something funny. “She made me more adventurous. Better, too. Not so afraid of everything.”
“What were you afraid of?”
“Not being good enough, mostly. Then when my parents died and I was left alone with Malinda, I grew more and more isolated. I focused on work and Brandi, and the rest just sort of fell away. I accepted that my life with Malinda wasn’t as I wished, but we had Brandi. I told myself that was enough. I wish I’d been braver.”
“You wanted Brandi to have a secure family.”
“Yes, but in hindsight, she was raised by two people who didn’t love each other. I’m not sure that was the best choice.”
In the sunlight, I detected the fine lines around his eyes and mouth. Still, he was young. There was a lot of his life left for love. “Have you been dating at all since your divorce?”
“No, I’m not ready. I don’t think, anyway.”
“When do you know if you’re ready?”
“Are you asking about me or you?” Jack asked.
“Both, maybe.” I shoved my gloved hands into the pockets of my jacket. “I didn’t plan on getting involved with Garth. There’s something about him that I can’t resist.”
“Do you love him?”
“I didn’t want to, but yes. I told myself it was just for fun. It morphed into something real. The minute something good or bad happens, my first instinct is to rush to him and tell him everything. I can’t seem to walk away. Yet I’m scared. To lose him or to keep him and then lose him.”
“Think about it this way—if you walk away from him, you’re guaranteed to lose him. If you give in and let yourself love him then your chances of keeping him are that much better.”
“That’s logical…” I trailed off.
“I sense a but coming. Is there a reason why you think you shouldn’t get to have a second chance at happiness?”
My eyes stung with unshed tears. “I’ve been punishing myself.”
“For what?” Jack asked, gently.
I explained about the baby and my despairing plea to God. “I feel like I caused the miscarriage by giving up on life.”
“No, no. That wasn’t your fault. You’d lost your husband very unexpectedly. God understands. We all despair at different points of our lives.”
“That’s basically what Garth said.” I looked upward, trying to describe what it was that was holding me back. “I feel if I move on that I’m betraying both Patrick and the baby. Like, why should I get to have a new love and maybe even a family when he’s dead?”
“Because you’re still alive. That’s the only criterion.”
Was that true?
“Isn’t life hard enough?” Jack asked. “Without making ourselves feel guilty and unworthy of love just because we’re imperfect and have moments of weakness?”
“I guess so.” I choked up as he pulled me into a fatherly embrace. “Is this what it’s like to have a dad poking into my business?”
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