Shelter

by Jay Crownover

  I put a hand to the center of my chest and rubbed at the place behind my scar that started to throb painfully. “You found her yesterday and you’re just showing up now? What the fuck, Rodie?”

  He narrowed his eyes at me and I watched as a muscle twitched in his cheek. “I had to wait for a positive identification, Sutton. We had to locate dental records and ID her that way. There wasn’t much for us to work with.” His eyes sharpened even more and the tick in his cheek moved faster. “When was the last time you saw Alexa?”

  I was still trying to get my head around the fact that the mother of my child was dead. I was struggling to figure out how I felt about the fact that the woman I’d equally loved and hated was no longer going to be in my life. I was dreading the conversation with Daye about the fact her mother was gone. I wheezed out a painful breath and bent over like the wind was knocked out of me. I felt like an asshole for thinking Alexa had simply wandered off in a drunken haze. I accused her of being selfish and thoughtless by disappearing, I never really considered she had left against her will. I assumed she would show back up, haggard and hungover like she always did. Knowing that wasn’t the case had my breakfast churning in my stomach and a cold sweat popping out all over my body. The early morning sun made everything pleasantly warm, but I was ice cold. Belatedly, I realized Rodie’s question wasn’t harmless curiosity. He wasn’t asking as a friend, he was asking as the sheriff trying to figure out how one of his citizens ended up dead on a hiking trail.

  “The last time I saw her she was standing right next to you telling me that she was going to take me back to court. You know Alexa and I don’t interact with one another unless we have to. I’ve called her a couple times over the last several days to see if she would answer because you suggested I reach out to her. Why are you asking me that, Sheriff?” He cringed slightly when I tossed his title out, letting him know I saw the line he had drawn in the sand.

  The horse whinnied and pranced by nervously, picking up on the tension emanating off both of us.

  “Because Alexa didn’t die of exposure. She didn’t get drunk and trip and fall. There was a slug from a .45 in what was left of her skull. I was right here when she threatened you. I saw your face when she threatened to take Daye away from you for good. It’s no secret the two of you fought like cats and dogs for most of your relationship and that your life would be a whole lot easier with her gone.”

  A harsh, ugly laugh pulled itself free from my throat. I refused to look at the man I once considered my closest friend outside of my brothers. “Seriously? You don’t know me better than that, Rodie? In all the years we’ve been friends, have you ever seen me get violent with a woman? Do you really think I have it in me to kill my kid’s mom?” My hands curled into fists as the sheriff considered me with an unwavering gaze.

  “I honestly don’t know what you’re going to do anymore. I never thought you were going to pass out in public because you were three sheets to the wind or pop pain pills like they were candy. I didn’t think you would ever risk losing your daughter by doing something that stupid. You’ve been unpredictable and out of control ever since you got shot. Alexa finally had something to hold against you and we both know the Warners don’t like being backed into a corner. You’re the only person who benefits from her being dead. She doesn’t have any family besides a sister in Cheyenne. She had no close friends in town and there aren’t any signs that she had a regular boyfriend that I can find. I even asked Burke if she’s been cozying up to any of his regulars and he said no. It’s just you and her, Sutton. In my shoes, you would be standing here asking the same questions, hoping to hear an explanation that clears your friend’s name.”

  I rocked back on my heels, the pressure in the center of my chest making it hard to breathe. “You telling me I need to clear my name, Sheriff?”

  Rodie sighed and dragged a hand over his face. I noticed he looked tired behind the stern expression that didn’t change throughout our exchange. “I’m telling you that I need to know your exact whereabouts from the time Alexa went missing until right now.”

  I wanted to take a swing at him. The ache inside at hearing about Alexa was almost as strong as the burn of betrayal at Rodie seriously asking me for an alibi.

  “I would never take Daye’s mother away from her. I wanted to limit the time Alexa had with Daye while she was drinking. I wanted to protect my daughter from that. But never, not once did I ever try and permanently erase Alexa from our lives. The day she showed up at the ranch I had just been released from the hospital. You know that. I spent the week following that encounter on the bathroom floor puking my guts out because I had the DTs. I was a goddamn mess. When I finally felt human, I threw myself back into being a father. I let my kid down, dropped the ball the exact same way her mother did, and I’ve been working my ass off to prove to her that it’s a mistake I won’t make again. I’ve been dropping her off at school and picking her up every single day. From the moment you told us Alexa was missing, she hasn’t wanted to leave my side. Do you really want to question Daye, Rodie? Are you going to force me to use my six-year-old as an alibi?”

  We faced off for a long minute, neither one of us wanting to be the first to break eye contact. Finally, Rodie sighed and snatched his cowboy hat off his head so he could plow his fingers through his hair. He shifted his gaze to the horse that was standing on the other side of the paddock, as far away from us as it could get in the enclosed space. “I don’t want to be here asking these questions. I don’t want to be standing here wondering just how far you would go to keep your family safe. I don’t want to tell you that your alibi is weak and if I were you I would find some way to prove you haven’t been off this ranch in the last ten days. I don’t want to know that dead woman in the morgue and I don’t want to know just how hard Daye is going to take the news that her mom won’t be around anymore.” He lifted his gaze back to mine and I saw that the cop mask had slipped slightly. “I’m here because it’s my job. I’m asking these questions because I have to. The reason we’re standing on your property instead of having a chat at the sheriff’s office is because we’ve been friends since elementary school. I don’t want you to be a suspect in Alexa’s murder, but we don’t always get what we want.”

  I shook my head and started for the opening of the corral. I needed to tell my brothers what was going on and figure out what I was going to tell Daye. “I don’t own a .45. Neither do my brothers. I’ve never been up to Big Goose Canyon Trail. I didn’t see or hear from Alexa after I kicked her off the ranch and neither has my daughter. She wasn’t my favorite person, but I’d learned to live with her and her faults long ago. There is no way a judge was going to give her custody back, not after her last DUI she got while Daye was in the car. I wasn’t worried about her taking me back to court. I don’t know what happened, but I didn’t have anything to do with her murder or her disappearance.” I ducked under the metal bars and waited while Rodie followed. “I’ve gotta go get my kid and break the news to her before the town gossip mill starts working. She deserves to hear it from me.”

  “What about your old man? He had an arsenal up here before he passed away. He liked to collect guns and a .45 is old military issue. That’s a collector’s item.” I stopped when he put a hand on my arm and fought down the urge to push him back. I looked at his fingers before jerking away. I heard him swear as he followed me to my black truck that was parked in front of the house between Cy’s truck and Leo’s SUV. “I really am just doing my job.”

  I looked over my shoulder at him and couldn’t keep a sneer off my face as I ground out, “Your job is bullshit sometimes, Sheriff.”

  A wry grin twisted his mouth. “You’re not wrong, especially when it comes to working in a small town where nothing is secret. I’ll be in touch if we get any more information. Someone out there has to know something. People don’t simply disappear, even all the way out here. Tell Daye I’m sorry.”

  “You want to talk to me again about this, we do it at the statio
n and I bring a lawyer.” There was no way I was getting railroaded just because I was the obvious answer to who benefited most from Alexa being gone. I wasn’t going to leave my future up to chance.

  “Hope to God I don’t find a reason to have to talk to you about this again. The sister seemed less than thrilled about coming down to collect the body and set up funeral arrangements. Don’t know if that matters to you or not.” He knew it mattered, which was why he brought it up.

  I made a noise in my throat as I hefted myself up into the tall vehicle. “I’ll get in touch with her later. If she doesn’t want to mess with arrangements, I’ll handle it. Alexa wouldn’t want to be laid to rest anywhere but here.”

  This time a genuine smile pulled at the other man’s mouth. “Figured you’d say that. I’m sorry for your loss, as well, Sutton.”

  I shut the door before he finished speaking. I curled my hands around the steering wheel and forced myself to breathe. There was a pounding in my head that made my ears ring, and I had to blink rapidly against the stinging moisture in my eyes. Every time my heart beat, it ached. I felt like there was a giant weight pressing down on me and it was making the simplest of movements impossible.

  I remembered the first time I saw Alexa. She was all long legs and wavy blonde hair. She had bright blue eyes and a smile that dazzled. I couldn’t believe I’d never noticed her when we were in school together. She was a few years younger than me and ran with a different crowd. My brothers and I worked the ranch with our dad. We didn’t have time for football and house parties. We didn’t get to blow off steam and be stupid teenagers. I was pissed that there’d been a girl like her right under my nose and I’d somehow missed her. She was everything I thought I’d wanted and I couldn’t believe my good luck that she wanted me back.

  It took a couple of years to realize that she wanted to drink and party more than she’d ever wanted me. I’d worked so hard to make our relationship work, struggled to keep our family together. I had been willing to sacrifice anything in order for things to work, except for my daughter’s wellbeing and happiness. I never would have stuck with Alexa for as long if it wasn’t for Daye. I was twenty-five and ready to walk out the door when she got pregnant. She had Daye and things had settled down for a couple of years, or at least I was fooled into believing they had. She got pulled over for a DUI when Daye had just turned three and promised to join a program for alcoholics. It was only a couple months later that I’d come back from a weekend trail ride, exhausted and frustrated, to find her passed out on the couch, leaving Daye unsupervised. My little girl was filthy, hungry, and terrified. I had no idea how long Alexa had been out, but it was the last straw. I took Daye and moved back to the ranch. I was heartbroken and disgusted. I was furious at Alexa but even more angry at myself. I should have known she was still drinking and that she wasn’t fit to care for Daye, but I’d given her chance after chance because I hadn’t wanted to fail.

  I tossed my hat into the back of the truck and leaned forward until my head was resting on the steering wheel. I squeezed my eyes shut and ignored the scalding liquid that seeped between my eyelashes.

  Maybe I should have pushed harder for her to get help.

  Perhaps I should have taken more care with her, knowing she didn’t have anyone else in her life besides me and Daye.

  I should have been more patient and understanding with her. We’d been separated for close to three years and she never moved on. She made it clear she was still in love with me and would welcome me back into her bed with no questions asked. I walked away from her without a backward glance and never felt an ounce of remorse over it until today.

  It seemed like every opportunity I had to do right by the women in my life ended with me letting them down. I wasn’t enough for my mom to stick around and love. None of us were.

  I wasn’t enough for Alexa to get her life together and be the kind of partner I wanted and the kind of mother Daye deserved. I’d given up on her long before she’d given up on me, and now she was dead.

  I couldn’t even man up and hear what she was so desperately trying to tell me. She earned the right to tell me what a disappointment I was, but I wasn’t strong enough to listen.

  Then there was Daye. I promised her I’d always be there, told her she could count on me, assured her I would never let her down. I’d lied to her. Something I swore I would never do after being handed a lifetime of lies from my mother. I let my shame and regret suck me under. I’d given up without a fight, and as a result, I’d done exactly the opposite of what I’d sworn to my daughter I would never do. I was lucky her love for me was unconditional because I hadn’t done anything to be deserving of it in a long while. I was so busy feeling sorry for myself I forgot to care about anyone else’s feelings.

  Sucking in a breath between my teeth, I scrubbed my hands over my damp face and steeled myself for the upcoming conversation with my daughter. I was done wallowing and bemoaning the things that I could no longer change. I was going to focus on dealing with the hand we’d been dealt in the best way possible and make sure my daughter was able to mourn the loss of her mother with all the support in the world. I was going to say goodbye to the woman who had given me the greatest gift of all time with as much grace and dignity as I could muster. I was going to let Emrys say what she had to say and hope she would still let me touch her and hold her when she realized just how weak I was. I was going to let myself fall a little bit in love with the brunette beauty knowing she was going and I was staying. I was going to be a man who was sturdy enough to take that kind of heartbreak and not fall apart. I was going to be the kind of brother my brothers had been to me.

  Living with regret and remorse hadn’t gotten me anything but a nasty habit that almost killed me and a whole lot of lonely nights. It had pushed the people I admired the most away and broken my little girl’s heart. I owed everyone more than that. I owed myself more than that. Rodie’s visit brought to light the fact that we weren’t guaranteed the time to give and take second chances. There was no assurance that I would have an endless number of days stretching out in front of me in order to get things right with the people who mattered. I needed to be a better man now because tomorrow I might not be around.

  I made the drive to the elementary school in a daze. I practiced and rejected a hundred prepared statements. My own emotions were vacillating between sorrow and anger. I was holding onto my composure by the skin of my teeth, and I wasn’t very nice when the office attendant asked me for the fourth time if everything was all right. They wanted to know why I was pulling Daye out of class early. I told her it was a family matter. She wanted more information and when I wouldn’t give it, she got snippy. I shut her up with a pointed glare and dropped down to my haunches when I heard my daughter’s delighted squeal as she caught sight of me. She ran into my arms and I squeezed her so tightly that she gave another squeak of distress.

  The office lady watched as I hauled Daye into my arms and slung her tiny backpack over my shoulder. I nodded briefly and strode purposefully out of the school. After I buckled Daye into her booster and climbed back behind the wheel, I was at a loss as to where we should go. I wanted her to feel safe. I wanted her to know she could lean on me and that she didn’t need to put a brave face on. Ultimately, I went back to the only place that had always been our sanctuary. I drove to the ranch and asked her if she wanted to go for a ride with me. Daye had inherited my love of horses and the outdoors, so she eagerly agreed. She asked repeatedly why I’d picked her up early from school, but when the prospect of riding with her old man was in the picture, it sufficiently distracted her. I hadn’t been on a horse outside of the corral since being shot. It was one more thing I’d been denying her because I was so caught up in my own bad memories.

  Lane was hanging around the barn when we got back to the property. Luckily, he took one look at my face and the jerky way I was moving and realized something was up. He didn’t bombard me with a thousand questions and slipped easily into fun-uncle mode, keep
ing Daye occupied with an exaggerated story about a fish he caught on his last trip to the river. I told him that we needed to have a family meeting when Daye and I got back and got a nod of agreement along with a probing look. All I could do was shake my head and mumble, ‘later,” as he picked Daye up and placed her in front of me on the custom saddle my father had given me on my thirteenth birthday. I’d missed the feel of the leather and the power of controlling the large animal underneath.

  Daye clapped her hands together as we rode across the ranch out into the national forest that bordered the property. She was babbling about the cupcakes Brynn had promised to make and gushing about her ballet classes. She asked me if I was going to her recital that was in a couple weeks and I reminded her I already promised to be there. It was clear she didn’t believe me and the lack of trust stung. I had so much to make up for.

  We rode all the way to the river and once we reached the rushing water, I climbed off the saddle and helped Daye to the ground. She immediately started scavenging for flat rocks to skip across the water’s surface. I let her play for a few moments before plopping down on the riverbank and pulling her into my lap. I smoothed a hand over her wild curls and looked into her wide, green eyes.

  I was trying to figure out how to start when one of her small hands lifted to my bristly cheek. “You look sad, Daddy.”

  My heart twisted so hard at her words that it was hard to breathe. “I am sad, baby girl. I’ve got something to tell you and it isn’t going to be easy to hear.”

  She dropped her hand and frowned at me. “Is it Mommy?”

  I nodded stiffly. “It is.”

  Her lower lip started to tremble and her eyes glassed over with unshed tears. “Do I have to go back to her? Do I have to leave the ranch? I don’t want to. I want to stay with you.”