Jane of Fire

by Jessica Penot

  When he was done, Helen came back into the closet with me. Her face was bloody and her clothes were torn.

  “He was mad because my hair was short, but I was happy because he couldn’t pull it anymore.”

  We sat in the back of the closet together and I held Helen while she cried in my lap. I sang to her. We stayed in the closet for hours, maybe days. But Helen was never the same after that. It was like she was sick. She never wanted to get out of bed and she didn’t want to play with me anymore. She just lay on the bed. Sometimes I would lie with her. I would lie beside her and tell her stories. I read books to her. She’d smile up at me and tell me she loved me.

  “I know that God loves me,” she’d say, “because he sent you to me. I don’t know what I’d do without you, Jane.”

  Helen didn’t hide after that. I would hide alone in the closet when Bob was drunk and when I’d come out of the closet another piece of Helen seemed to have vanished in the night. I remembered the day she died. I had skipped school. No one cared. Bob worked all day and his wife slept all day and worked all night. I was lying beside Helen in bed. She was badly beaten. I knew she was bleeding badly from some place I hadn’t understood. I had wanted to call an ambulance, but she didn’t want me to.

  “I’m ready to go home,” she’d said. “I miss my mom and dad and I know they are waiting for me. Let me die, Jane.”

  I had been so young. I didn’t understand. All I had wanted was to make Helen happy. I had held her hand while she drew her last breath and cried when they took her body away. Social services moved me to a new foster family.

  The memories faded and I looked at Helen next to me in the bed. “You’re a ghost,” I said. “You’re dead. He killed you.” I couldn’t stop crying.

  Helen nodded.

  “You never went to heaven to see your parents?” I asked.

  “I couldn’t. I love you so much, Jane. I couldn’t leave you alone.”

  “I’m so sorry, Helen. I should have helped you. I should have told someone what was happening.”

  “You were just six years old. Bob would have killed you if you’d told anyone. You knew that and I knew that.”

  I shook my head. “Thank you for staying with me.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  “Do you have to go now?”

  “I think it is time, but you have to know that the reason I haven’t been able to see you is because there is something evil in that house. It is holding me back. It is stronger than me. It isn’t a ghost. There are ghosts in Thornfield, but there is something else there, too. Something dark and evil, and it wants you, Jane. Even now, I can feel it near. You have to leave Thornfield Hall.”

  “I can’t.”

  “Because of him?”

  I looked down at my hands. I wanted to say it was because I had grown so fond of Miss Adele or because I loved Thornfield Hall. I did. But the truth was, I couldn’t leave him.

  “He’s cursed. You will die if you stay with him.”

  “I know.”

  “Then leave. Leave, Jane. You have to leave before that thing gets any stronger. Because if you wait too much longer, I don’t know what will happen. It wants me to leave, now. It is too strong for me.”

  “I can’t leave Thornfield.”

  Helen shook her head. I lay down beside her one last time. We’d always been like sisters. She held my hand like we’d held hands in that closet all those years ago, and we slept beside each other. Morning came with its brutal light and when I awoke, she was gone. I didn’t know if I would ever see her again, but I was glad she’d stayed for as long as she did. I pulled open the curtains of my bedroom window. I could never say I didn’t believe in ghosts again. That meant I had to believe that whatever dark force lurked at Thornfield was real. It was real and it was evil.

  Chapter 10

  The night is darkening round me. The wild winds coldly blow; But a tyrant spell has bound me, and I cannot, cannot go.

  ~ Emily Bronte

  I visited Mrs. Blankenship that morning. She sat perched at death’s doorway. She had an IV in her arm and she could barely breathe. There was very little left of her. She was just a pile of bones with some skin wrapped around them. Her eyes were sunken and her lips were cracked. All that was left on her head was a few wisps of hair that the chemo hadn’t taken.

  “Lung cancer,” she said.

  It made sense. She’d smoked three packs a day since Mr. Blankenship’s death.

  “I’m so sorry,” I said.

  “No,” she said. “I’m sorry. I’ve wronged you greatly, Jane.”

  “Stop that,” I said. “You did everything you could for me.”

  “No,” she said as she coughed. “No. I was a monster. It was Mr. Blankenship that wanted to adopt you and after he was gone, I abandoned you.”

  I put my hand on hers. Her hand felt so frail I thought I might break it. “You didn’t abandon me. You let me live in your home,” I asserted.

  “No. I didn’t. I let myself sink into a depression and I didn’t protect you and nurture you the way a mother should. After you left, I got a letter from an attorney.”

  “What?”

  “He asked if you still lived with me and I said you did. He said you had an uncle. And he was looking for you. He sent you money. Fifty thousand dollars for your college. I spent it all on myself. I was in so much debt from the medical bills…”

  How could I be mad when I would have done the same for her? I was upset because she adn’t told me I had an uncle. I had family. I had never had real family that I could remember. I’d assumed my parents had died of drug overdoses after they dumped me off in an ER. But, now, I had an uncle. Despite my sadness about Mrs. Blankenship’s illness, it was the best news I’d heard in a very long time.

  Mrs. Blankenship signaled a folded paper on her nightstand. I picked it up. It was my uncle’s address and contact information. I clutched the paper to my chest.

  “Thank you!” I said.

  “Please forgive me…for everything?” she asked with a hacking cough.

  I kissed her on the forehead. “I forgive you.”

  Mrs. Blankenship took a deep breath and the coughing stopped. She finally looked peaceful. I hoped Mr. Blankenship was waiting for her on the other side.

  Chapter 11

  He’s more myself than I am.

  ~ Emily Bronte

  I made it back to Thornfield Hall on Christmas Eve. I had texted Mrs. Fairfax to let her know I was coming. The house was decorated and filled with light. All the staff was gone except for Mrs. Fairfax. She was in the kitchen cooking when I got back. The room smelled amazing. The scent of cinnamon and cloves and butter filled the air, making the kitchen seem alive with the spirit of the season. Mrs. Fairfax hugged me when I came in.

  “Merry Christmas,” she said.

  “Merry Christmas,” I answered. “It looks like you’re making a feast.”

  “Jenna and that new boy Edward hired to take care of the horses are off, and Edward asked me to make him a special meal tonight. He said he wanted something romantic.” She raised her eyebrows at that.

  I looked into Mrs. Fairfax’s kind eyes and I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t live on the dream of some love that would never be mine. I couldn’t live in the shadows, waiting for a guy who could never be mine. Helen was right. It was time for me to leave Thornfield.

  “It smells amazing,” I said to Mrs. Fairfax.

  I went upstairs and put my suitcase in my room. I didn’t unpack it. I just left it by the door. There was no point in settling back in. I had saved enough money that I didn’t really need the job anymore. I could afford to stay in the dorms. I would find a job on campus. It would be all right. I would forget Edward and Thornfield. I wasn’t the first stupid girl to have her heart broken by a guy she could never have. In the grand scheme of life, i
t wasn’t a huge deal. I would get over it. I had to.

  I told myself these things, but tears burned in my eyes when I thought about leaving. The very idea of having to let go of Edward and my foolish hope made me so sad. Helen was gone forever; Mrs. Blankenship was dying; and Edward would never love me. I had an uncle, though. At least I had a relative. But at that moment, it didn’t matter because my heart was breaking as I walked the halls of Thornfield looking for Edward.

  I found him in the library. He was sitting by the window looking out at the snow. The wind howled through the cracks in the window. He stood up when I entered and he walked over to me. He was smiling so brightly I thought he might hug me, but instead, he just took my hand.

  “Jane,” he said. “I thought you might not come.”

  “I told you I’d be back tonight. I texted Mrs. Fairfax. I’m always true to my word.”

  “Of course,” he said. “How could I doubt you? You never lie.”

  I shook my head. “I’m not Abraham Lincoln, Edward. I lie. I have flaws. Mrs. Fairfax is cooking an amazing feast. She says it’s for a special dinner.”

  “It is,” he said with a slight frown.

  “I think I might go out for a while tonight. I don’t want to be in the way. I would also like to turn in my notice. I have enough money to pay for the dorms now and Miss Adele really needs to be in a nursing home.”

  I didn’t give him time to answer me. I just turned and walked, as quickly as I could, out of the room. I didn’t want him to see that I was crying. I didn’t want him to see the tears that were turning my cheeks splotchy and red.

  Just before I made it to the front door, Edward grabbed me. He put his hand on my shoulder and stopped me from going outside.

  “You’re leaving?” he asked.

  “I don’t want to be a third wheel. You need your privacy.”

  “Jane, who do you think that dinner is for?”

  “For you and Blanche, of course.”

  He laughed. He laughed at me and I felt all the tears and rage and frustration build up within me like a volcano. I couldn’t take it anymore.

  “What do you think I am!” I yelled. “Do you think just because I’m poor and plain and a nobody that I don’t have a heart that can be broken? I am twice the woman Blanche is and I tell you, if I had half her beauty and a little money, I would have made it ten times more difficult for you to ever stop loving me than it is for me to stop loving you! Now, stop screwing with me and just let me leave.”

  Edward pulled me into his arms. I held him back. “Jane,” he whispered. “There is a cord that goes from your heart to mine. If you ever severed it, I know I would die. I can’t explain it. I feel like there is almost something supernatural binding me to you. I can’t breathe when you are away.”

  “Stop!” I yelled. “What does that poetic crap even mean? What is this? Do you think I’m an idiot? Am I so low in your eyes that you think you can just make me the butt of all your jokes? I have never known happiness like I have known here. You’ve made me feel like I was important and like I mattered. You took me to the top of the world. Why would you knock me down, now? Just go to her and leave me alone! I am done with this.”

  “The dinner is for you, Jane. I broke up with Blanche. I told her I never cared about her and that all I have ever wanted is you. She never loved me. She only loved my money. I could barely tolerate her. I love you, Jane.”

  I stopped fighting him and looked up into his eyes. He was telling the truth. I could see it in his eyes, but I didn’t dare believe it. Fear set in my chest like a block of ice and, even if I believed him, I couldn’t accept what it might mean for me. I backed away. I could still see Bertha’s ghost in my head. Loving Edward had killed Bertha. It had turned her into an angry ghost. I didn’t want to be a ghost.

  “You are afraid of me?” he asked. He looked wounded.

  “I am,” I answered plainly. “I don’t want to end up like the others. I have been here long enough to believe in ghosts and curses and devils that live in attics.”

  “Don’t be afraid…Please.” His hand gently cupped my face. “My whole life, I was afraid of the curse and what it could do. I’m not afraid anymore. I love you and that makes me strong.” He pulled me to him and kissed me. He kissed me with such passion and force that I thought I might melt like ice in his arms. I wrapped my arms around him and held him so tightly he could have become a part of me. I collapsed into his embrace and he lifted me off my feet. I felt so small in his arms. I felt weightless like the heat of my happiness might lift off the ground entirely and carry me away to some unknown country.

  When our lips finally parted, I was breathless. I didn’t care about curses. I didn’t care if the Rochester men killed everyone they loved. There was something almost supernatural between us and I couldn’t fight it any more than he could. Even then, part of me knew the danger that was coming, but it didn’t matter. I opened my mouth to speak but there were no words that could express what I was feeling. I still couldn’t believe it was real. I wanted to pinch myself to make sure I wasn’t dreaming. I was crying. That was all I could do.

  “Why are you crying?” he asked as he kissed my tears.

  “I can’t believe this is real,” I said in all honesty. “I have been alone for so long.”

  He kissed me again. He put his hand on my cheek and kissed me. “So have I,” he said. “We’ll have to discover a way to let go of our loneliness, now. We can explore this new world together.”

  “I love you,” I said in between kisses.

  “Ever since I found you alone in the fog that night, I knew I could never love anyone else. You’re the angel who appeared out of nowhere. You saved my life.”

  He kissed me again and then he put his hand in mine. I held onto it, trying to steady myself. I was light-headed and the world spun around me. I had never been kissed like this before. I had barely even been hugged. The depth and passion of his kiss made me feel like I was on a Ferris Wheel that was going too fast. I clung to him to gain my balance.

  “Would you join me for dinner?” he asked as he walked me to the dining room.

  “There’s nothing I would like more in the world,” I answered.

  The dining room was spectacular. All the lights had been turned off and we dined by candlelight and Christmas light. The table was set beautifully, as though we were royalty. The meal consisted of roast turkey breast stuffed with a camembert, cashews, and cranberries, along with roasted root vegetables and crisp, finely-cut roasted sweet potatoes drizzled with a balsamic glaze. For dessert we had creamy custard tarts filled with sweet berries. It was so good. It was the best meal I’d ever had. Outside, the snow came down like a glacier was falling from Heaven. The blizzard howled and beat against the stones of Thornfield, but inside, I sat beside the roaring fire with Edward’s hand in mine. I was certain I was glowing and it was my own light that was lighting the room.

  After dinner we hung out in the study. Edward told me about his life in New York. He told me about how he had chosen Blanche because his grandmother had told him everything would be lost if he didn’t marry someone he didn’t like. He had always done what his grandmother had wanted. The entire family had, but now he thought he should have rebelled against them. He wished he had fought back and been his own person.

  “I would have done as my family said forever if it weren’t for you. How could I marry her, when you were here, waiting for me? I would rather lose everything than do that.”

  “Do you really believe in the curse?” I asked. I still wasn’t entirely sure, myself. Helen had taught me that there was more on earth than could be explained by science or reason, but the curse seemed so out of this world that I wondered, if we just refused to believe it, would it cease to have power over us? Did our fear of the curse give it its power?

  He smiled and kissed my hand. “I guess we’ll find out soon enough.” />
  “Maybe you can leave business school, now. You can study literature. You can live your dreams. Letting go of your family will help you. I’m glad I helped you break free.”

  “You bring out the best in me.”

  “Do I?”

  “You probably don’t believe this, but some people thought I was a dick before I met you.”

  “Really?” I raised my eyebrows. “You always seemed so friendly.”

  “I don’t appreciate your sarcasm,” he said, grinning. “I’m working on being less of a dick and I’m sure that the more time I spend with you, the easier that will be.”

  “Is your grandmother okay with us being together?”

  “Yes, she is. She seems to think you are the answer, Jane. I think she has lost her mind. She keeps telling me that you are the door that will set us all free. I don’t know. She wants me to be with you.”

  I nodded. “As long as she is happy.”

  “She is happy. She believes you are magic. I think she’s right. You’re here to cure us of our curse.”

  I laughed and we spent the rest of the evening wrapped in each other’s arms. The rest of the world didn’t matter. All that mattered was that I had my Edward. All the sorrow that had come before, all the ghosts and all the horror, none of it mattered because I had him and he loved me. I could weather an ocean of misfortune for one minute in his arms. He was the flame that lit my life and I wanted nothing more than to lay in his arms forever.

  Chapter 12