A Fashionable Fiasco

by Robyn Peterman

  “Seriously?” Cathy asked, confused.

  “Very. I look far better in silver than purple.”

  “She has a point,” Velma agreed.

  “Thank you,” I told her.

  “Welcome.”

  “I need God and Satan,” I continued.

  “They’re terrified of us,” Joan pointed out.

  “All the better,” I muttered as my eyes narrowed in fury. “They will both be grounded for centuries for not telling me that Bill was taking on the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse on his own.”

  “It’s to gain points with his slimy salami,” Becky mumbled, still prone on the floor.

  “What are you talking about?” I hissed as she tried to crawl away from me in fear.

  Stepping on her red blazer, I leaned down and got in her face. I expected her to hurl profanities. However, she simply looked broken.

  “If Jim Bob Loser-hole makes the Enforcer use his power now, the Enforcer will be useless when the true end times arrive,” she said without a shred of emotion in her voice. “The seeds Jim Bob Slob-Nob plants now will reap rewards in the end times. The Antichrist will win. The little worthless ass-sniffer is trying to gain points with his cocksocket of a sperm donor.”

  “And what will become of the Enforcer?” I questioned, ignoring the language used to deliver the message since the meaning was very clear. I felt like I was floating above my own head. My voice seemed to belong to someone else.

  “He will perish after the fourth horse is snapped,” Bonnie whispered. “He will be gone.”

  I couldn’t help it. I didn’t care if God got annoyed. At least I had the wherewithal to protect the women in my kitchen. But my Palace? My Palace was gone. The cyclone that ripped it from its foundation was so violent, even I was shocked. My heart was being torn from my chest and my fury knew no bounds. The end of this story was unacceptable. I would not survive this ending.

  So, I was just going to rewrite the play.

  “Cathy, go get Darby Dick Demon. Hortense and Fran? Find that smarmy bastard, Jim Bob Bob-Bob. I don’t care if you have to tear every limb from his body. Just get him. Velma, find Satan and God. And Joan, you are in charge of Bunky. If she makes a run for it again, turn her into a toad and shove her in your purse. You all feel me?”

  “Where are we meeting?” Joan asked as she waved her wand and bound Beluga in enchanted chains.

  My smile came slowly, but it grew full. Elle said the clues were all around me—in the clouds and in my dreams. My last dream was the clue I needed. Mr. Rogers would shit a brick, but it couldn’t be helped. I’d let him choreograph our pole routines for eternity if all ended well. I no longer needed to be in charge of everything. My realization that I was slightly imperfect rankled, but it was also freeing.

  “Take them to Purgatory. That is where the dinner will take place. I’ll meet you there shortly.”

  I needed to find my reason for existence or I no longer wanted to exist.

  Chapter Thirteen

  My posse was gone.

  My palace was gone.

  But my balls were intact.

  And I was going to use them.

  Glancing up at the clouds in the bright blue sky, I sucked my bottom lip into my mouth and tried not to scream. There was no time for a pity party. I could pout and throw fits later. And trust me. I had some grand plans in that department.

  With a swift downward slash of my arm, I launched myself into the sky. The wind blew through my hair and my gown fluttered like gossamer peach wings. I flew higher and higher. I could feel him in my bones and in my heart. Bill could hide, but I would always find him. He held a piece of me in his soul.

  “Where are you?” I shouted into the vast Universe, sending the puffy white clouds tumbling into a tizzy. Even the sun trembled at the tone of my voice. “I feel you. Show yourself.”

  Slowly the clouds obeyed and parted. My reason for existence appeared hovering over the very same cloud we’d make love on just days ago. His glorious wings were tattered and broken. His hair was silver white and his eyes were blood red. My breath caught in my throat and an icy feeling of dread chilled my blood. I was so angry with him that I didn’t know what to do.

  I watched in horror as Pestilence and War tore through his strong body. The sun became an eerie red ball of fire in the sky and the clouds darkened and wept. Blood poured forth from Bill’s diseased body and his roars of agony shredded my breaking heart. I was aware I was seeing an illusion, but that made it no less real. The pain my lover experienced was very real.

  His once large frame grew thin and racked with plague as he continued to absorb the deadly magic from the first and second broken seals of the Apocalypse. His body convulsed as if it was being shot at and torn apart by weapons of mass destruction. His screams of anguish would live on in my dreams for eternity.

  I would take the pain away in a heartbeat if I could. However, that wasn’t the way it worked in the Immortal world. Unsure if I could reverse what had already happened, I knew in my heart that I could prevent the rest from destroying him. There simply was no other choice. I didn’t give a damn if his hair stayed white and his eyes red—he was still my beautiful lover.

  As quickly as it started, it stopped. Bill’s body regenerated, but the inner despair and desolation remained. He slumped forward and gasped for air as his body was given a reprieve. A lesser Immortal could not have survived what I’d just seen. But Bill was one of the most powerful and pure beings in the Universe. Tearing him apart was unheard of. He stiffened as he felt my presence and slowly glanced up.

  The tears rolled unchecked down my cheeks. I could taste the salty drops as they slid over my lips and down my neck. Rain fell from the sky, crying with me for the injustice I’d just witnessed.

  “Gaia,” Bill said with a sad smile pulling at his beautiful full lips.

  He held his arms out to me and I flew willingly into them. It was the only place I wanted to be.

  “Why?” I whispered as I plastered my face against his chest that still trembled from the abuse he’d just endured.

  “Because it’s my destiny,” Bill answered, holding me so tight it was almost painful.

  “I’m your destiny,” I told him.

  Bill floated down to our cloud and gently laid me on it. Settling in close, he kept his body aligned to mine. “You are my love. Your love is the reason I can fulfill my destiny.”

  “If you leave me, I will follow you,” I told him, meaning every word. “I will not live in a world that you are not in.”

  Taking my chin in his hand and raising my eyes to his, Bill’s expression became stern. “You will go on. There is no other choice, lover. God and Satan can survive without me as their conscience as long as they have a mother who loves them and will keep them in line. Wisdom comes with age and experience. The boys have both.”

  “I can’t survive without you,” I whispered as I ran my hands through his snowy white hair.

  “You can,” Bill insisted, enjoying my touch. “You will. You will take my place when the end times truly arrive.”

  Counting to twenty-seven, I reined in my desire to detonate the Universe. As good as it would feel, I would not let the Antichrist win without a fight. It was not time for the world to end. It wasn’t on the damned schedule. And it most definitely was not time for Bill to end.

  “Stop time,” I begged. “Just for a bit. We need to talk.”

  Bill sighed and closed his blood-red eyes. “As you wish, lover.”

  With a wave of his hand, the Universe stopped spinning. The clouds froze and all noise ceased. It was eerie, yet somehow perfect. My main comfort was that Bill wouldn’t suffer if time couldn’t march forward. I knew it was wrong, but I didn’t care. My only concern right now was for the man I adored.

  “I can stop this,” I told him, clinging to him desperately.

  “You can’t,” Bill replied wearily. “It has begun. I’m an abomination. I’m disease and war.”

  “You are not,” I
hissed and went nose to nose with him. “You are Wisdom. You are defending humankind. You are not what you embody right now. The world owes you its existence. Wisdom is not your only virtue, my love. I would add selfless bravery, warrior and conqueror to that list.”

  “You think far too highly of me,” Bill said with a tired chuckle, pressing his forehead to mine.

  “I see what’s within,” I told him, trying to keep my voice light. “The outside is quite fetching, but the inside glows with a beauty that shall never be rivaled… even by me.”

  “Flattery will get you everywhere,” he said.

  “That’s what I was hoping for,” I replied with a wink.

  With a wiggle of my nose, I undressed us both. The feeling of his naked body against mine was heavenly. Reaching deep inside I sent a surge of powerful enchanted healing and strength into his exhausted body.

  “Don’t, Gaia,” Bill whispered against my lips. “Keep what is yours. You will need it.”

  “What’s mine is yours, Bill. That will never change.”

  “It will have to, my love,” he said with sorrow as he tangled his hands in my hair and gently pressed his lips to mine.

  “We shall see about that,” I muttered as I wrapped my legs around him and made my intentions very clear. “I need you.”

  “I always need you,” he replied softly. “Always.”

  Our lovemaking was desperate and furious. Raking my nails against his back, I arched and gave myself to him in a way I never had. Bill made love to me as if it was the last time. My eyes filled with tears as he moved with a speed that brought me to heights I never knew existed.

  “You will not leave me,” I cried out as I writhed against him.

  There was no possible way to get close enough without crawling inside of him. If I could have, I would have. I knew what would happen once time began to move forward again. I wanted his love. I wanted his pain. I wanted his heart. I wanted his soul. I wanted everything that he was.

  And I wanted it forever.

  My body tightened like a vise around his. Sparks of peach and gold exploded around us. The crystals rained down from the sky and bathed us in their magic. I held on and met each thrust with abandon and love. Our connection was unbreakable and we wouldn’t have noticed if the world did indeed end around us.

  “I love you,” Bill said as the movement of his body sent mine into an orgasmic tailspin.

  “I love you,” I cried out as vibrant color ripped across my vision. “Forever.”

  The orgasm that tore through me left me limp but still wanting more. I would never get enough of my beautiful lover. Bill’s shout of ecstasy almost replaced his cries of anguish in my mind, but those would sadly remain.

  We lay in silence and held each other. It was equally as beautiful as making love. The simplicity of just being was magical.

  “Let me ask you a question,” I said, tracing his kiss-swollen lips with my finger.

  “Is it a trick question?” Bill inquired, pulling me closer.

  “Depends,” I replied easily.

  Bill was quiet for a long moment. He stared like he was trying to memorize me. His red eyes didn’t scare me at all. They simply strengthened my resolve.

  “Go ahead, my love. Ask your question.”

  Sitting up, so I didn’t miss even the smallest nuance in his expression, I took his hands in mine. “If the tables were turned and it was me taking on the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. What would you do?”

  Bill sighed and let his chin drop. “That’s a trick question.”

  “Possibly,” I admitted. “However, I want your answer.”

  “You know my answer,” Bill said with a raised brow.

  “I do,” I said as a small smile pulled at my lips. “You would fight for me till the very end.”

  Bill inhaled slowly and then let the air escape just as slowly. “I would.”

  “Do you trust me?” I asked.

  With a nod and another sigh, Bill smiled. “With my life, lover.”

  “Then come with me,” I insisted. “I can’t do this alone. I just found out I’m not perfect.”

  Bill’s laugh went all through me and I wanted to burst with pride. I wasn’t sure exactly what was so funny, but I didn’t care. Making Bill laugh was the most powerful magic there was right now.

  Everything would be alright.

  It had to be.

  Chapter Fourteen

  “Let me get this straight,” Mr. Rogers said as he ran his hands through his hair in a panic causing it to stand straight up on his head. He paced the beige sand erratically and continued to yank on his hair. “You’ve invited the Antichrist and Belinda Cockgrabber to Purgatory for a dinner party and they might try to kill each other?”

  “Actually, it’s the son of the Antichrist and Beulah Cocksmacker. And yes, they will definitely try to kill each other. The good news is that I’ve summoned Darby Dick Demon as well. He’s an excellent therapist and not extremely violent as far as Demons go. There’s a seventy-sixty percent chance that we can make it work without bloodshed. However, I’m ninety-two percent sure that I will have to electrocute everyone. So, I’d say there’s a forty-eighty percent chance that we might have to rebuild Purgatory. I shall take full responsibility for any damage or total mass annihilation. If it comes to that, both my monkey, Study, and my ape with intimacy issues, Elvis, are wonderful civil engineers,” I told him, hoping he didn’t go for the puppets. We didn’t have time for that right now. Direct communication was prudent. Besides, Lady Elaine Fairchilde was frightening.

  “Ohhhhh, Gaia,” Fred said, wringing his hands and shaking his head. “Those numbers make no sense.”

  “I’m not good at math,” I admitted, feeling empowered by revealing my faults. “Do you have a calculator? I could try for better odds.”

  “Are you serious?” Fred asked, yanking a clump of hair from the top of his head.

  “Fred, you love me, right?” I asked.

  “Platonically, yes,” he replied, glancing over at Bill out of respect.

  Fred’s eyes grew huge when they landed on Bill and he gasped. Forgetting I was here altogether, he slowly approached Bill.

  “No, no, no,” Fred whispered as tears filled his eyes.

  “I’m afraid so, old friend,” Bill said with a regretful smile.

  “But it’s not on the schedule,” Fred said, swiping at his tears.

  “The schedule is written in pencil,” Bill said. “It can be erased and amended.”

  Fred nodded as a sob racked his slim frame. “I need to touch you. May I?” he choked out.

  Bill took a step back and eyed Fred with concern. “Will it hurt you?”

  After a few minutes, Fred pulled himself together and stopped crying. A serene calm came over him. His smile was angelic and his laugh was musical and warm. “Where there is no pain, there is no gain, dear friend. My gifts are unusual and I don’t often get to share them. It would be one of my finest moments if you would give me that honor, Enforcer.”

  Bill glanced over at me. I said nothing. The choice was his to make. However, if he made the incorrect choice, I was going to tackle him and let Fred do whatever he could to help him. Bill ran his hand through his hair and closed his eyes for a moment.

  “The honor would be mine I assure you,” Bill replied, bowing his head to Mr. Rogers.

  I was mystified by the turn of events, but so grateful I couldn’t speak. When I found my voice again, I would tell Fred he could choreograph our pole routines until the end of time… and star in them… and design the costumes. As long as he helped Bill, the nicest man in the Universe could have the absolutely anything he wanted and I would happily supply it.

  Mr. Rogers smiled as he approached his friend. A soft shimmering golden glow engulfed Fred as he wrapped his arms around Bill and held tight. The light flickered around the two men, bathing them in celestial magic. As they rocked back and forth in a dance of friendship and respect, Fred began to chant. It was melodic and melancholy a
t the same time. The language was one that I’d almost forgotten. It was as ancient as the beginning of time. Slowly, as Fred’s chanting became more intense, the golden light crackled and turned to flame. The fire licked at Bill’s skin and he gasped in relief. Fred’s body convulsed in pain, but he held onto Bill and continued to chant.

  As comfort washed over Bill, Fred experienced the opposite. Mr. Roger’s hair was now peppered with the same silver white strands as Bill’s and his eyes took on a slightly red glow. Bill was horrified and tried to pull away, but Fred’s grip was unbreakable.

  Never underestimate Mr. Rogers. Ever.

  “What have you done?” Bill whispered on a ragged breath when Fred finally released him.

  “Nothing much. You will be safe in Purgatory. No harm will come to you here,” Fred assured him as he leaned forward and kissed Bill’s forehead. “I cannot stop it, but I can give you temporary relief.”

  “Will you be alright?” Bill asked, touching the silver in Fred’s hair with concern.

  Fred nodded and smiled. “Yes, my friend. I promise.”

  “I will not be able to repay you,” Bill said as healthy color began to come back to his skin.

  “I require no payment for gifts,” Fred told him, narrowing his eyes playfully. “A gift is a gift given of free will. I bestow it with great pleasure.”

  “Then I thank you,” Bill said with another bow. “You will never know how much.”

  “And I thank you as well,” I said, taking Fred’s hands in mine and kissing them. “I am in your debt for eternity.”

  “Pish,” Fred said with a wink and a chuckle. “You’re already in my debt for eternity for making me wear those horrible blue booty shorts during our last pole dancing competition, Gaia.”

  “You worked them wonderfully,” I told him with a grin. “You were quite hot. And we would have won if I hadn’t accidentally kicked the judge’s head off during my flying dismount. He was such a big baby about it. I mean, for goodness sakes he was a Gnome. His head grew back in an hour.”