A Fashionable Fiasco

by Robyn Peterman

  Unbelievably outstanding and gross.

  “You have broken the Laws of the Universe,” Fred informed the seething Antichrist as he hissed and spit fire. “A penance must be paid.”

  “And that’s where you’re wrong,” the Antichrist snarled.

  Fred simply smiled. I was kind of hoping he would whip out Lady Elaine Fairchilde. She was almost as scary as my posse.

  “James Robert, who directed you to break the Laws of the Universe?” Fred asked.

  “Cocksocket,” Jim Bob answered, still smoldering and bloody from the hit he’d taken from his father.

  Fred winced and squinted his eyes at Jim Bob. “I’m sorry. Who?”

  “The Antichrist,” I answered.

  “As I thought.” Fred nodded to me and held out his hand. “It’s time for you to finish this, Gaia.”

  I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply. The words of Fate came back to me.

  “Bring them together. Children need their mother. They will help you find the perfect recipe. They will have the ingredients. Good versus evil must be served by one with a little pinch of nature. And remember a mother’s love is more powerful than any magic in the Universe. And a little glue never hurts anything.”

  I had brought them together. James Robert Bob-Bob needed his mother more than any child I knew. His eternal life up to now had been nothing but abuse and misery. The recipe was not about food—thank the Heavens, considering neither Betsy nor I could cook. They were directions of a sort.

  And the ingredients? I had an idea…

  Good versus evil was quite clear. We were good—all of us—even Satan in an indirect way. The Antichrist was the true evil. Of that I was sure.

  I glanced over at Bill and he winked. “Wing it, lover. It’s worked since the beginning of time. I trust you and I love you,” he said. “You’ve got this.”

  He was nuts. Then again, I was too. Bill was also correct. I’d been winging it for eternity and I was still around. Today wasn’t the day to fix something that wasn’t broken. The love of a mother might be the most powerful magic in the Universe, but the love of a mate was pretty damned strong too.

  “Betsy, what’s in your purse?” I demanded as everyone looked at me like I was insane—everyone except Bill.

  I didn’t care. I was insane and I owned it. There was nowhere else for the ingredients to be unless Velma had shoved more than just a homing device up Betsy’s bottom.

  “Umm… lemme look, hooter-head,” she answered as she dumped the contents of her purse into the sand.

  “James Robert, empty your fur pockets. Now,” I commanded.

  “I prefer, Little Fucker,” he told me politely as he rummaged in his pockets.

  “I don’t use the F-bomb,” I told him with an eye roll. “Would Little Shit work for you?”

  “Absolutely, Mother Nature,” he replied with a smile as he dropped the broken pieces of the white and red horse into the sand.

  “MINE,” the Antichrist roared as he fought his chains with fire and black magic.

  It was to no avail. Note to self—stay on the good side of my violent, big-boned buddies. They were seriously unhinged and dangerous.

  “Not,” I snapped at the evil bastard and electrocuted him. It wouldn’t kill him. Being myself felt right. Plus, he deserved it.

  Quickly glancing down at the pile from Betsy’s purse that littered the sand, I grinned. She had gum, dynamite—probably left over from her failed stint as the Grim Reaper, a few crumpled dollar bills, a half-eaten cheese stick, a squeaky dinosaur toy, the Kama Sutra, a tube of superglue and the plastic black and ashen horses.

  And a little glue never hurts anything.

  My smile grew so wide it hurt my cheeks.

  “You can’t win,” the Antichrist growled. “The storm has begun and you are not strong enough to stop it.”

  “Ahh,” I said with a smile. “A metaphor. I just love them. How about this one? I am strong enough to withstand the storm. For I am the storm. I’m Mother freakin’ Nature, you piece of crap.”

  Throwing my hands in the air, lighting burst in the sky and thunder rumbled so loudly that the seven-headed beasts fell from the air and huddled behind the bound abomination. The snakes crawled inside his robe and his fire went out due to the crystal drops of rain that began to gently fall from the sky.

  “Pick up the broken horses,” I instructed Betsy as I grabbed the superglue and removed the top. The recipe would be simple. “The white one first.”

  Good versus evil must be served by one with a little pinch of nature.

  Betsy did as she was told. Betsy Cocker was going to serve and I would add a pinch of my own… a pinch of nature, so to speak. Gluing the first horse together, I laid it in the sand. Without even asking, Betsy held the pieces of the red horse out. Quickly gluing it back together, I laid it next to the white horse and then added the black and ashen to the line.

  I held my breath and waited. I didn’t know what would happen… but I never expected nothing to happen. Bill’s hair was still white. His eyes were still blood red. I was one of the most powerful beings in the Universe and I was useless. My brain raced as I stared hard at the plastic horses on the sand. I’d made up the recipe and it had failed—very similarly to all the dishes I’d ever prepared.

  This could not be happening.

  The Antichrist’s vicious bellow of laughter would live in my memories for the rest of time. Had he won? Glancing over at him, I wanted him dead. Evil blood ran through his veins and covered the sand around him. He gnashed his sharp teeth, but all I could see was his blood. It boiled and bubbled as it seeped into the sand. The dark red liquid was filled with black magic.

  His blood.

  James Robert was of his blood.

  “How did the Antichrist shrink the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” I demanded of Jim Bob. “Tell me.”

  “With drops of his blood,” Jim Bob said.

  “Reverse the spell,” Satan instructed tersely.

  “How?” I demanded.

  “Follow your instincts, Mother,” God bellowed.

  It was my issue to solve. I had been the one who had the dream. My happiness was on the line along with the eventual fate of humanity. Life without Bill was unacceptable to me.

  Bad blood from an evil line had created the spell. Good blood from the very same line would reverse it. It had to.

  “Betsy, keep your shit together,” I advised as I snapped my fingers and produced a wicked looking jeweled dagger. “I’m about to stab your son.”

  “Will I get extra vacation time if I don’t go apeshit on your ass, cooter-face?” she inquired.

  “Yessss, as much as you want,” I hissed. “Little Shit, give me your hand.”

  Jim Bob’s eye grew wide, but he obeyed. His smile was scary, but his eyes crinkled kindly. “You are a force of nature indeed.”

  “I sure as Hell hope so. Back up everyone,” I instructed as I sliced the tip of Jim Bob’s finger.

  Leading him to the plastic horses, I carefully squeezed his finger and let his blood drip onto each one.

  I didn’t have to wait long this time.

  The wind picked up like a cyclone had arrived. The air grew oppressively warm and the sky turned an eerie green. In an explosion that had to have rocked the Universe, The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse we no longer tiny plastic figures. They were now enormous and truly frightening.

  Atop a massive white horse sat Pestilence. He wore a crown and carried a bow. He examined the scene with disdain until his eyes landed on Bill. God and Satan immediately transported from where they stood and flanked Bill. The Four Horsemen might be powerful and deadly, but the Devil, God and the Enforcer were the mightiest forces in existence.

  “You have something of mine,” Pestilence said in a whispery voice as he got off of his horse and approached Bill. “I would like it back.”

  Pestilence acknowledged Satan and God with a curt nod and then ignored them completely. Their battle was not on the schedule…
yet. Everyone was aware of this and was satisfied to leave well enough alone—at least for another eight thousand years.

  “Not so fast, buster,” I hissed as I grabbed Pestilence and shocked the Hell out of everyone present—including me.

  Pestilence glanced down at my small hand on his massive arm and narrowed his eyes at me.

  “Speak,” he said in the same whispery voice.

  “You will not harm the Enforcer. He did not take what is yours willingly. It was thrust upon him by an evil that is defying fate.”

  Pestilence paused and then smiled. It was vacant and terrifying. “He who has stolen from me will suffer the punishment—not the one who carries my gift.”

  Gift was an oxymoron considering he was speaking of fatal epidemic disease, but I’d already pushed my luck with someone that could destroy the world.

  With that, he removed my hand from his arm and touched Bill’s hair. The sliver white strands disappeared as Bill gasped in agony and fell to the ground. The screaming was horrifying, but it was not that of my lover. The wailing and shrieking came from the Antichrist. His body was riddled with disease. Pestilence didn’t even acknowledge the suffering of the evil creature. He simply got back on his horse, joined his comrades and closed his eyes.

  The next was War. He carried a lethal-looking sword and also wore a crown on his head. He didn’t look around at all. He was focused completely on Bill who had slowly gotten back to his feet and was held up by Satan and God. My lover’s hair was back to its beautiful brown, but his eyes were still blood red.

  War didn’t dismount from his red horse. With a flick of the rein, he directed his animal to where Bill stood. A palpable menace surrounded War and he didn’t speak a word. Leaning down, he stared into Bill’s eyes. Again, my lover’s knees buckled and he dropped to the sand in pained anguish. No one but the Enforcer could have survived what was happening.

  The Antichrist was now bleeding from his eye sockets. Again, he was ignored by the Horsemen. Famine sat on a black horse with a furious expression on his face and scale in his hands. And Death was astride a pale ashen horse carrying a scythe. Death’s eyes were so black and full of suffering, I had to look away. I could not have been more relieved that Bill had not absorbed their gifts.

  “You must leave,” God said. “Your time has not come.”

  “Someone should have told him,” Death said flatly, eyeing the Antichrist with disgust. “We will not be played like this again.”

  With a flick of his scythe, the Antichrist disappeared. I’d always thought the Horsemen answered to the Antichrist. I was going to have to reconsider that notion.

  “Where have you sent him?” Bill asked, his eyes no longer red.

  Death shrugged. “Does it matter? He won’t be back until it’s on the schedule.”

  The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse then nodded in respect to God, Satan and the Enforcer.

  “The next time we meet, we will be on opposite sides,” War warned.

  “And we shall be ready,” God stated as Satan nodded in agreement.

  “We shall see,” Pestilence whispered. “We shall see.”

  “Mother Nature,” Famine said in a bored voice. “You have succeeded. The next time you will not be so lucky.”

  “I don’t believe in luck,” I replied, taking my rightful place next to my children and my mate. “So, I suppose we shall just wait and see.”

  Famine raised his brow and shrugged. “I suppose we will.”

  Just as they arrived, they left—in a cyclone. Purgatory was a hot mess. Elvis and Studly were going to have their work cut out for them.

  “I’m hungry. Shall we eat?” Fate inquired as she arrived in a blast of lavender sparkles.

  “Are you serious?” I demanded, slapping my hands on my hips and glaring at her.

  “No. I’m Fate,” she replied with a laugh as she went to Bill and examined him. Placing a kiss on his forehead, she then moved to Satan and took his hand in hers. “You have done well, Gaia.”

  “I have,” I replied. “How about next time you be a bit less cryptic with your messages?”

  “How about let’s hope there isn’t a next time,” Fate shot back as she held her arms out to me for a hug.

  I sucked in a shocked breath and gaped at her. The vision was quick, but there was no mistaking it. Fate held a child in her arms—a beautiful, naughty baby boy. There had indeed been someone else walking in my dreams. The heir to the throne of Hell was soon to arrive. And Hell was never going to be the same.

  “What?” Satan asked alarmed, noticing my expression.

  “Nothing,” I replied easily as the vision disappeared and I hugged my pregnant daughter-in-law. Fate could see all futures except her own. I had thought I would need her gift to save Bill. Who knew I would get to know something she didn’t know? Knowledge was power. I like power. A lot.

  “Let’s eat!” I told everyone. “Little Shit, can you scale down your size? You simply won’t fit at the table like that.”

  “Yes, Mother Nature. I can,” he said as he took on a smaller form.

  It was not the form I’d seen at the grocery store. Nope. He was now the spitting image of his mother—right down to the dated red blazer and pearls. It was alarming but somehow appropriate. Betsy seemed thrilled. I hoped Jim Bob was wearing underwear, but decided not to ask.

  With a wiggle of my nose, I extended the table and made room for Elle, Mr. Rogers. The Mini Fire Gnomes could sit in the sand. I was not in the mood for my linens to go up in flames.

  The feast was gorgeous and tasted heavenly. The flaming little farts had even supplied blood bags for Hortense and there wasn’t a peanut to be found in any dish on the table. I was curious if the little bastards catered, but I’d get that information later.

  Smiling and sighing with happiness, I watched everyone enjoy their meal. Fred kept the conversation lively and Darby told everyone about the romance novel he hoped to write. There was sex. Lots of sex—and a yard sale. Betsy and Little Shit sat next to each other, so lost in conversation it was like they were the only two at the table. It was fitting and I was proud of bringing them together. I would keep Betsy on a large salary for eternity as long as she stayed away from Nirvana. As happy as I was for her and Jim Bob, I really didn’t want to see them on a regular basis—maybe once or twice a century.

  My posse sat with God, Satan and Elle. God and Satan seemed a bit terrified, but Elle was enjoying the insane group tremendously. I was certain I heard Joan invite Elle into the club. Of course, I was tempted to electrocute the Witch but decided against it. If Fate and Astrid both said yes, I could probably blackmail them into voting for me for president. I was ready to be in charge again. And yes, I was aware I had a few minor faults but decided ignoring them was the way to go. I was Mother Nature after all.

  Bill was able to take back on his Spite form and shifted back and forth while everyone clapped and cheered. My heart danced. I adored Bill no matter what form he took. His insides were the same—beautiful, loving and so very wise.

  We had plans to take a little flight in the clouds after the meal, so Bill had chosen his Enforcer form for today. I did have to admit his ass was a work of art in this form.

  “What did you see when you looked at Elle, lover,” Bill whispered in my ear as we watched the festive dinner party play out in front of us.

  “Do you promise not to tell?” I whispered back, wrapping my arms around the love of my life and breathing him in. I couldn’t wait to get him back to Cloud Sixty-Nine.

  Bill smiled and chuckled. “Have I ever betrayed your trust?”

  “Nope,” I said with a giggle as I settled myself on his lap. “But this one is good—really, really, really good.”

  “You have my word,” Bill promised. “And my heart.”

  “Hell will soon have a new prince,” I said softly as I watched Satan and Elle talk and laugh together.

  My son was finally happy and that delighted me. Satan was already the father to the Seven Deadly S
ins and Dixie. However, he didn’t have a son… yet. Karma was about to kick his ass. Hard. The little boy waiting to make an entrance was naughtier than Satan on his worst day. I grinned. Payback was a bitch.

  “Are you serious?” Bill asked, biting back a laugh.

  “Nope. I’m Mother Nature,” I teased, grinning. “We’re going to be grandparents again.”

  “Will you tell them?” he inquired with a delighted smirk.

  “I don’t know. It might be more fun to watch them figure it out. They will be fine after the initial shock. It will be hilarious.”

  “It’s true,” Bill said, pulling me close and holding me tight.

  “What’s true?”

  “A mother’s love is the most powerful magic in the Universe,” he said.

  “I’d like to amend that statement,” I told him.

  Bill looked at me quizzically and waited.

  “Love is the most powerful magic in the Universe,” I told him. “It makes the world go ‘round.”

  “Indeed, it does,” Bill said and kissed me like no one was watching.

  The only problem was… everyone was watching.

  “For the love of wanting to keep my food in my stomach,” Satan groused. “Get a room.”

  Without even looking up, I electrocuted him. All was right with my world. I was in the arms of the man who made me whole. My children were happy and healthy. I had new friends—granted they were just awful—but they were mine and I was keeping them. I brought a dysfunctional family together and I still looked like a million bucks.

  Life. Was. Terrific.

  “Come fly with me?” Bill said, standing up and holding out his hand.

  “Always, lover,” I replied as I blew kisses to all my friends. “Always.”

  Cloud Sixty-Nine was waiting for us.

  We made very good use of it.

  Very, very, very good use.

  Love was definitely the most powerful magic in the Universe.