My Life as Crocodile Junk Food

by Bill Myers

  We had said good-bye to George twice that day. And this second good-bye was a lot more painful than the first. Neither Jamie nor I could look at each other. It had something to do with the tears that were filling our eyes.

  Without a word, we turned and silently headed for home.

  Chapter 10

  Wrapping Up

  Of course, everyone made a big deal when we got back to Jamie’s house. His mother, Doctor Mom, checked us out so many times I got to feeling guilty that there wasn’t anything wrong with me. Dad and everyone kept asking a zillion questions, and we kept telling the story over and over again. I don’t know ’bout Jamie, but each time I told it, I was doing a lot less screaming and a lot more saving the day.

  Normally, it would have been neat having everyone make such a fuss over us, but both Jamie and I had something else on our minds . . .

  George.

  Was he all right? Did Big Guy and Scar Face catch him? Did he make it back to his village? More importantly, we kept wondering why he did what he did. Why did he risk his life to save ours? And what did he mean by drawing the cross in the dirt and saying “Jesus” over and over again?

  It wasn’t until the following night when we were both in bed that Jamie suddenly cried out, “I’ve got it!”

  “I hope it’s not contagious,” I mumbled as I turned over, trying to get back to sleep.

  “No, Wally, listen up. I know what George meant. I know what he was trying to say!”

  My eyes popped open, and I sat up.

  “He was saying he was going to do what Jesus did!”

  “What?” I asked.

  “Remember when I kept drawing the cross in the dirt . . . remember how I kept saying Jesus gave up his life to save ours?”

  “Well, yeah, but—”

  “Don’t you get it!? George did understand what we were saying about Jesus. In fact, he was telling us he was going to do the same thing . . . he was going to risk his life to save ours.”

  “Wow, . . .” I exclaimed as I slowly thought it through. “So you think he, like, believed what you said about Jesus—you think maybe he became a Christian?”

  “I don’t know.” Jamie sighed. “But I know he understood the idea . . . and I know he believed it enough to imitate it by saving us!”

  I could only shake my head at the thought. “That is so cool. . . .”

  Sleep didn’t come easily after that. Maybe George hadn’t become an “official” Christian. (Then again maybe he had.) But at least he understood and believed in Jesus enough to show His type of love for us.

  It was amazing. In one short night George had shown more of God’s love to us than I had shown in my entire life. Granted, he may not have had my sparkling Sunday school attendance record, or memorized as many Bible verses . . . but when he stood before God, I had a sneaking suspicion he was going to be all right.

  It was one of the warmest feelings I’d ever had. To be part of telling someone about Jesus. Like I said, I was no Billy Graham and I doubted if I’d be signing up as a missionary right away. But I finally understood why missionaries do what they do. I finally understood how they could get so excited about their work.

  I finally understood their love.

  Two days later we were all packed up and hiking back to the landing strip. Lots of other guys had arrived to continue building the medical clinic, but Dad had to get home and back to his job.

  As the plane pulled up and opened its door, Jamie and I said some pretty emotional good-byes.

  Of course, we made the usual promises to write, and, of course, we knew we wouldn’t. But that was okay. We also knew we wouldn’t forget each other, either. No way.

  I stood on the wing of the plane and took one last look around. It had started to rain again. But the villagers had come out anyway. They were waving and grinning. And right then and there, I knew I’d be back. Maybe not to this exact village or to these exact people. But probably to another people, another place. Maybe for only a week to help out like Dad . . . but I’d be back.

  “Let’s go!” Dad shouted from inside the plane.

  I turned and ducked my head down, but not enough. I hit it hard against the roof. Of course, everyone laughed, and, of course, I grinned. It was nice to get back into the swing of things.

  There were more good-byes and waves as we taxied past the cows and revved up the engines to take off. I watched out the window as we picked up speed. And then I saw it: a group of men coming out of the jungle. I craned my neck for a better look, but I lost them behind a bunch of huts.

  By the time they came back into view, we were higher and I could see them better. They were an Indian tribe! You could tell by their clothes (or lack of them).

  I asked if we could land again, but the pilot was on a tight schedule and didn’t have any extra fuel. Still, he agreed to circle the village so I could get a longer look.

  It was a small group of men, about ten or twelve. They were carrying a couple of guys tied upside down on poles (one of my least favorite ways to travel). The two guys were white, with Western clothes and . . .

  Hold it! Could it be? I pressed flat against the window for a better look . . . YES! It was them! Big Guy and Scar Face!

  And leading the group . . . I pressed harder against the window . . . and leading the group was the shaman. Beside him was some kid. Some kid with a bad limp. Some kid that could only be . . . George!

  I banged on the window. “George! George!” But, of course, he couldn’t hear me. Just as well. If he saw me in the plane, he’d probably worry that I’d been eaten by a big, metal bird.

  And then, just like that, the trees blocked my view.

  But that was okay. I had seen all I needed to see. George was all right. The bad guys were caught. Not only that, but by bringing them into the village, the shaman would be exposed to the new medical clinic.

  Maybe Jamie’s folks could talk him into taking some of their medicine back to his tribe. Maybe his people wouldn’t have to keep on dying. Maybe someone might even tell them more about God.

  I reached up and fingered the necklace around my neck. The one the shaman had given me. I still wasn’t crazy about the bones and teeth, but I knew it would always remind me of these people and others like them. And it would always remind me of their needs.

  An hour later I was getting a little bored. I mean, if you’ve seen one jungle, you’ve seen them all, right?

  I reached down and pulled out Ol’ Betsy. She’d grown a little dusty over the week, but when I opened her lid and snapped her on, her screen glowed just as brightly as ever. With all the extra time on my hands, I figured I’d better find out how Techno Boy was doing. . . .

  When we last left our microchip marvel, the entire world was paralyzed by a comedy beam. Every citizen was telling terrible jokes. All this as they were being sucked into alien flying saucers.

  Having tied TV sets to every lawn mower in the country (which were flying around like miniature helicopters), our gorgeous good guy quickly positions the screens so every citizen of the world can see one.

  But before he can reveal his perfect plan, the flying saucers start firing wads of pre-chewed Trident sugarless gum (the preferred gum of space monsters everywhere). No one’s sure where they developed the taste for the gum, but they really go for the “sugarless” since it helps keep their twenty-three layers of fangs cavity-free.

  Soon our hero is covered in gum. I mean, really covered. Worse than underneath the lunch table in the cafeteria.

  “Somebody...” he cries, “somebody, help me!”

  Immediately, he is surrounded by volunteers. They want desperately to help, but all they can do is tell jokes.

  “Say, Techno Boy,” one of them cries, “what’s the last thing to go through a grasshopper’s mind when he hits the windshield?”

  “I don’t know,” Techno Boy groans.

  “His tail!” comes the answer.

  “Please...” our hero’s voice grows weaker and weaker. It’s obvious
the gum is clogging up his gears.

  The crowd wants to help but can’t.“Say,” somebody shouts, “what’s the difference between a cow’s tail and a water pump handle?”

  “I...don’t...know...”

  “Then I’ll never send you for water...har-har-har.”

  Finally, using his last ounce of energy, Techno Boy reaches for the switch inside his nose. A secret switch. A switch he never likes using, but it’s getting toward the end of the story so he better do something. He hates to do what he has to do. But he has to do it, so he does it...

  He flips the switch and suddenly all the TV screens flicker. Next an old Gilligan’s Island rerun pops up on all their sets.

  “Don’t you see,” Techno Boy gasps, “if you leave...if you allow yourself to be taken by these spaceships, you’ll never know if Gilligan and Mary Ann ever get off the island.”

  There’s a brief murmur of concern.

  Techno Boy flips to another channel. It’s a Cosby rerun. “If you leave, you’ll never know if Bill and his wife ever get all the kids out of the house.”

  These deep questions cause everyone to grow more and more serious—— and, as they grow more serious, the power of the comedy beam loses its strength. Gradually, the people start drifting back toward the ground.

  “Stop it!” the speakers on the flying saucers blare. “Stop it at once!” Desperately, they crank up the comedy beam even stronger.

  Giggles begin to return to the crowd. Someone yells, “What does an eight hundred pound canary sing?”

  “No!” others cry. “We must not give in! We can fight their comedy, we can resist the temptation! Please, Techno Boy,” they cry, “keep asking us those deep questions, keep making us think!”

  Techno Boy flips to another show. “What about this guy here on Home Improvement?...Will he ever build something that doesn’t fall apart?”

  The crowd grows even more serious... the beam loses more control over them.

  Now it’s time to ask the most serious question of all. One that will break the comedy beam’s power for good. He flips to the closing credits of The Brady Bunch. “And what about these poor kids?” he shouts.

  Everyone gasps. They’d completely forgotten about Marsha and the gang.

  “Will they ever break out of these little boxes at the end of each show? Will they ever stop singing that song?”

  That does it. You just don’t bring up a serious subject like The Brady Bunch and not expect some response. The power of the comedy beam is broken. The people tumble back to the ground.

  A frustrated and beaten squadron of spaceships close their hatches and prepare to leave. But not before broadcasting their final message. “You haven’t seen the last of us, Techno Boy.” They seem to hesitate a moment, then continue. “Listen, about Gilligan and Mary Ann...will they ever get off that island?”

  But Techno Boy doesn’t answer. He is surrounded by the grateful population of Earth. They crowd around him with thousands of butter knives in an effort to pry off all the wads of chewing gum.

  And for good reason.

  Who knows when he will be needed next? Who knows what dark and sinister plan is already being hatched to endanger the planet? But fear not, gentle earthlings. For wherever danger lurks, there Techno Boy will be, chugging motor oil, munching on silicon chips, and watching Brady Bunch reruns.

  Stay tuned...

  You’ll want to read them all.

  THE INCREDIBLE WORLDS OF

  WALLY MCDOOGLE

  #1—My Life As a Smashed Burrito with Extra Hot Sauce

  Twelve-year-old Wally—the “Walking Disaster Area”—is forced to stand up to Camp Wahkah Wahkah’s number one all-American bad guy. One hilarious mishap follows another until, fighting together for their very lives, Wally learns the need for even his worst enemy to receive Jesus Christ. (ISBN 0-8499-3402-8)

  #2—My Life As Alien Monster Bait

  “Hollyweird” comes to Middletown! Wally’s a superstar! A movie company has chosen our hero to be eaten by their mechanical “Mutant from Mars”! It’s a close race as to which will consume Wally first— the disaster-plagued special effects “monster” or his own out-of-control pride—until he learns the cost of true friendship and of God’s command for humility. (ISBN 0-8499-3403-6)

  #3—My Life As a Broken Bungee Cord

  A hot-air balloon race! What could be more fun? Then again, we’re talking about Wally McDoogle, the “Human Catastrophe.” Calamity builds on calamity until, with his life on the line, Wally learns what it means to FULLY put his trust in God. (ISBN 0-8499-3404-4)

  #4—My Life As Crocodile Junk Food

  Wally visits missionary friends in the South American rain forest. Here he stumbles onto a whole new set of impossible predicaments . . . until he understands the need and joy of sharing Jesus Christ with others. (ISBN 0-8499-3405-2)

  #5—My Life As Dinosaur Dental Floss

  A practical joke snowballs into near disaster. After prehistoric-size mishaps and a talk with the President, Wally learns that honesty really is the best policy. (ISBN 0-8499-3537-7)

  #6—My Life As a Torpedo Test Target

  Wally uncovers the mysterious secrets of a sunken submarine. As dreams of fame and glory increase, so do the famous McDoogle mishaps. Besides hostile sea creatures, hostile pirates, and hostile Wally McDoogle clumsiness, there is the war against his own greed and selfishness. It isn’t until Wally finds himself on a wild ride atop a misguided torpedo that he realizes the source of true greatness. (ISBN 0-8499-3538-5)

  #7—My Life As a Human Hockey Puck

  Look out . . .Wally McDoogle turns athlete! Jealousy and envy drive Wally from one hilarious calamity to another until, as the team’s mascot, he learns humility while suddenly being thrown in to play goalie for the Middletown Super Chickens! (ISBN 0-8499-3601-2)

  #8—My Life As an Afterthought Astronaut

  “Just ’cause I didn’t follow the rules doesn’t make it my fault that the Space Shuttle almost crashed. Well, okay, maybe it was sort of my fault. But not the part when Pilot O’Brien was spacewalk-ing and I accidentally knocked him halfway to Jupiter. . . .” So begins another hilarious Wally McDoogle MISadventure as our boy blunder stows aboard the Space Shuttle and learns the importance of: Obeying the Rules! (ISBN 0-8499-3602-0)

  #9—My Life As Reindeer Road Kill

  Santa on an out-of-control four wheeler? Electrical Rudolph on the rampage? Nothing unusual, just Wally McDoogle doing some last-minute Christmas shopping . . . FOR GOD! Our boy blunder dreams that an angel has invited him to a birthday party for Jesus. Chaos and comedy follow as he turns the town upside down looking for the perfect gift, until he finally bumbles his way into the real reason for the season. (ISBN 0-8499-3866-X)

  #10—My Life As a Toasted Time Traveler

  Wally travels back from the future to warn himself of an upcoming accident. But before he knows it, there are more Wallys running around than even Wally himself can handle. Catastrophes reach an all-time high as Wally tries to out-think God and rewrite history. (ISBN 0-8499-3867-8)

  #11—My Life As Polluted Pond Scum

  This laugh-filled Wally disaster includes: a monster lurking in the depths of a mysterious lake . . . a glowing figure with powers to summon the creature to the shore . . . and one Wally McDoogle, who reluctantly stumbles upon the truth. Wally’s entire town is in danger. He must race against the clock and his own fears and learn to trust God before he has any chance of saving the day. (ISBN 0-8499-3875-9)

  #12—My Life As a Bigfoot Breath Mint

  Wally gets his big break to star with his uncle Max in the famous Fantasmo World stunt show. Unlike his father, whom Wally secretly suspects to be a major loser, Uncle Max is everything Wally longs to be . . . or so it appears. But Wally soon discovers the truth and learns who the real hero is in his life. (ISBN 0-8499-3876-7)

  #13—My Life As a Blundering Ballerina

  Wally agrees to switch places with Wall Street. Everyone is in on the act as
the two try to survive seventy-two hours in each other’s shoes and learn the importance of respecting other people. (ISBN 0-8499-4022-2)

  #14—My Life As a Screaming Skydiver

  Master of mayhem Wally turns a game of laser tag into international espionage. From the Swiss Alps to the African plains, Agent 001/7th bumblingly employs such top-secret gizmos as rocket-powered toilet paper, exploding dental floss, and the ever-popular transformer tacos to stop the dreaded and super secret . . . Giggle Gun. (ISBN 0-8499-4023-0)

  #15—My Life As a Human Hairball

  When Wally and Wall Street visit a local laboratory, they are accidentally miniaturized and swallowed by some unknown stranger. It is a race against the clock as they fly through various parts of the body in a desperate search for a way out while learning how wonderfully we’re made. (ISBN 0-8499-4024-9)

  #16—My Life As aWalrus Whoopee Cushion

  Wally and his buddies, Opera and Wall Street, win the Gazillion Dollar Lotto! Everything is great, until they realize they lost the ticket at the zoo! Add some bungling bad guys, a zoo break-in, the release of all the animals, a SWAT team or two . . . and you have the usual McDoogle mayhem as Wally learns the dangers of greed. (ISBN 0-8499-4025-7)

  #17—My Life As a Computer Cockroach

  (formerly My Life As a Mixed-Up Millennium Bug) When Wally accidentally fries the circuits of Ol’ Betsy, his beloved laptop computer, suddenly whatever he types turns into reality! At 11:59, New Year’s Eve, Wally tries retyping the truth into his computer— which shorts out every other computer in the world. By midnight, the entire universe has credited Wally’s mishap to the MILLENNIUM BUG! Panic, chaos, and hilarity start the new century, thanks to our beloved boy blunder. (ISBN 0-8499-4026-5)

  #18—My Life As a Beat-Up Basketball Backboard

  Ricko Slicko’s Advertising Agency claims that they can turn the dorkiest human in the world into the most popular. And who better to prove this than our boy blunder, Wally McDoogle! Soon he has his own TV series and fans wearing glasses just like his. But when he tries to be a star athlete for his school basketball team, Wally finally learns that being popular isn’t all it’s cut out to be. (ISBN 0-8499-4027-3)