Old Fashioned

by Steiner, Kandi

  But I was here with someone I loved, too.

  Even if she had no idea.

  And maybe what scared me most was that having her and Paige here was a reciprocation, the missing piece I didn’t realize I’d wanted so badly. For months, I’d spent days and nights in their home, learning who they were as a family.

  The fact was that Sydney and Paige already felt like my family, too.

  My stomach rolled more with every minute, and I wondered how I’d be able to eat. I was just about to make my way into the kitchen to pour an old fashioned that I hoped would settle my nerves when Mikey threw one arm over the couch to look at me again.

  “So,” he said. “One week from tomorrow, you’ll be fighting for that trophy again. How you feeling?”

  I blew out a long breath, leaning over the couch again and clasping my hands where they hung between my brothers. “The team is ready. They’re strong, talented, and thanks to Sydney, all in a pretty healthy shape, too. But,” I added, scratching my jaw with my eyes on the television. “Pressure gets to them. I saw it in the first home game, and again twice after when we played our biggest rivals. They get sloppy, and don’t play smart. If that happens next week, we don’t have a chance.”

  “You know what I think?” Paige said, standing and flopping down in the middle of the couch between my brothers, her chin turned up toward me.

  “No, but I bet you’re gonna tell me.”

  “You need to ask Rodgers to get them in the zone before Friday.”

  I cocked a brow, waiting, because I knew she wasn’t done.

  “What I mean is, he’s the quarterback, right? And the team captain. But, he’s a quiet guy — kind of like you, Coach. And I think that’s why the team respects you so much. They know that when you say something, it’s because it’s important. And, well, I think it’s like that with Rodgers, too. I think if you pulled him aside and asked him to step up this week, and suddenly their leader was speaking out, telling them the errors he sees, suggesting what they need to pay attention to?” Paige shrugged. “We’d win for sure.”

  “That right?”

  Noah shook his head from beside her. “You’re going to be president one day.”

  “Nuh-uh,” she said, looking at him matter-of-factly before she smiled up at me. “I’m going to be a football player.”

  It wasn’t long after that that the girls announced that dinner was ready. We called Mom and Sydney in from the garden, tore my brothers and Paige from the television, and all gathered around a feast that could feed at least three times the amount of people in attendance.

  When we were all seated, Mom held out her hands, and I took her left while Noah took her right. Sydney was next to me, Paige across from us, and we all linked hands, connecting to each other around the meal that brought us together.

  “I’d like to say grace, if that’s alright,” Noah said.

  Mom smiled and squeezed his hand, and we all bowed our heads.

  “Heavenly Father, thank you for the blessings you have bestowed upon this family. We are so blessed to be able to be here together in this way, to share a meal and spend time together when life can so easily slip away from us.”

  I swallowed, my throat tightening with emotion.

  “I know I speak for everyone when I say we’re missing a big piece of our puzzle today, but we know Dad is up there with you, probably watching the games and yelling at the big HD screens they got up there.”

  We all chuckled.

  “So, give him a big hug for us, and tell him we love him and we miss him. And Lord, I want to thank you for our amazing mother, who has filled this home with love and wrangled us rowdy boys for our entire lives, and for my brothers — who I can always count on.”

  That emotion I’d felt before surged through me again, and I cleared my throat to ease the swell.

  “I want to thank you for Kylie,” Noah continued. “Who has put up with us for years and still manages to like us.”

  Kylie giggled.

  “And for Mallory, who put up with us all being jerks to her because of her last name, and somehow still manages to love us and forgive us, anyway.”

  “And for y’all seeing past that last name, seeing me for who I really am, and loving me, too,” she added.

  “We pray you will keep her and Logan’s baby safe and healthy inside that little oven of hers,” Noah said. “And deliver him or her safely to us.”

  “Her,” Logan whispered, and at that, all of our eyes popped open and locked on him, though he was looking at Mallory, who smiled and squeezed his hand.

  “Her?” Mom cried out, her eyes flooding with tears.

  Logan nodded, and the whole table buzzed with a mixture of congratulations and excitement.

  “Shhh,” Noah said, calming us. “Still praying here.”

  We laughed, closing our eyes and bowing our heads again.

  “I want to thank you for Betty Collins, and for bringing her into our family when we needed her most.”

  “You’re welcome,” she chimed in, and we all chuckled again.

  “And for our new guests, Sydney and Paige, who fit in like they’ve always been here, and already bring us joy, and make our oldest brother smile — which is honestly really weird and kind of unsettling, but we’ll get used to it.”

  “I told you to stop being so grumpy all the time,” Paige said to the tune of another flurry of laughter, but my throat was so tight I could no longer swallow, and I blinked my eyes open, looking at the place where my fingers intertwined with Sydney’s.

  “And Lord, I want to thank you for my incredible fiancée, who will be my wife in less than forty-eight hours from now. I have waited my entire life to find a woman like her, and you delivered her just like I always knew you would. Thank you for making me a patient man, for helping me see why it never worked out with anyone before, and comforting me in those dark times to know that the light was on its way. It wasn’t easy,” he said, and there was a murmur of agreement, but my eyes were floating up to Sydney’s.

  And hers were open, too — staring back at me.

  “But it was so, so worth it. If there’s anything this family has taught me, it’s that love is the most important thing, and it’s worth fighting for — no matter the risk.”

  Sydney’s eyes were wide and glossed, a little pinch between her brows as she watched me and I watched her, nothing being said, but everything spoken just the same.

  “Thank you for our blessings, Lord. And thank you for this meal. Amen.”

  “Amen,” we all echoed, and while my mom instantly went into how great Noah’s grace was and then began peppering Mallory with baby questions now that we knew the gender, Sydney and I continued watching each other, and I wondered if she felt what I felt in that moment, too.

  I couldn’t wait any longer.

  I needed more from her. I needed her to claim me, to assure me that I wasn’t crazy or alone in what I was feeling, to make what we had between us real.

  And I would ask for it.

  Tonight.

  Sydney

  After dinner, everyone helped clear the table, and then we all separated into little groups without really noticing it.

  Jordan and his brothers were watching football in the living room with Paige, who I imagined was in hog heaven with so many people around who loved the game like she did. Before he retreated there, Jordan had pulled me to the side, asking if we could talk after I put Paige to bed tonight. My stomach was in knots wondering what it was about, but he assured me it was nothing bad, so I tried to trust him in that.

  Jordan’s mom, Laurelei, along with Betty and Ruby Grace were gathered at the dining room table, now filled with the contents of Ruby Grace’s wedding planning binder. They were drinking wine and laughing as they went through last-minute preparations.

  Mikey and Kylie were in the backyard, sitting together at a little bonfire they’d made while Mikey played the guitar.

  Mallory and I were in the kitchen cleaning up, and we crac
ked the window so we could hear what Michael was playing. He was actually quite good, and I wondered to myself if he would ever consider making a career from music.

  He and Kylie were so young, just nineteen years old, and I smiled from time to time thinking about how everything felt so possible at that age, and yet it also felt like nothing had to be figured out at all — not yet.

  When I was nineteen, I was in college, with my eyes set on the future. I envisioned working with athletic teams across the country, learning more about the human body every day, and more importantly — how to keep athletes healthy and on the field or court where they wanted to be.

  My stomach sank, as it often did when I thought about what could have been. Then I shrank from guilt, knowing that if it had turned out that way, I wouldn’t have Paige.

  I blinked the thoughts away as Mallory handed me a freshly cleaned casserole dish covered in warm soapy suds. I ran it under the cool water from the faucet, rinsing it completely before I set it to dry on a towel we’d laid out on the counter.

  “I can handle this, Mallory,” I offered for the second time since we’d started cleaning up the kitchen. “If you want to go help the other ladies with the wedding plans.”

  She scoffed, cocking an eyebrow at me before she got to work on the next casserole dish. “I know you don’t know me very well, but trust me when I say wedding planning is nowhere on my list of things I’d like to do in my spare time.”

  I chuckled. “Not your cup of tea?”

  “Let’s just say the only time I like to get serious about what colors to pick for something is when it comes to dying my hair. At least, it was, until this little gal decided to start blooming and I started thinking about what color to paint her room.”

  She patted her stomach with a soapy hand, smiling at me before she was back to work on the dish. I took her in then, noting the fading pink and orange at the tips of her dirty blonde hair, the septum piercing in her nose, the fierce and beautiful makeup she wore on her white skin, the sliver of tattoos peeking out from where she’d shoved the sleeves of her sweater up to her elbows along with the lotus flower right behind her ear. She was unlike any girl I’d seen around this town, and I kind of loved it.

  “Besides, you can’t get rid of me that easily, not when we’re all dying to know more about you — specifically, you and Jordan.”

  The blood rushed from my face, and I took the dish from her hands, rinsing it without responding. My heart was racing as I tried to find the right words to say — or really, any words at all. If only she knew I’d been asking myself questions about me and Jordan for the last two months, and especially the last week, wondering more and more every day what we were, how we could be anything at all considering our circumstances.

  The gravity that pulled me into Jordan — effortlessly and completely — also sent me spiraling in the next minute, down a rabbit hole of uncertainty and warning. Nothing had changed since we first made our agreement. He was still my boss. I was still the first and only female on a staff of men in a small town. I still had a daughter who was fresh off my and Randy’s divorce.

  And I still had Randy, though I wish I could be severed from him forever.

  If anyone would understand that, it would be Mallory, I realized sickly.

  I didn’t know her very well, as she had just pointed out, but thanks to Randy getting drunk one night and bragging about it, I knew that he’d made a move on her when she was younger.

  Too young.

  And that he’d embarrassed her in front of a room of men.

  I shivered at the thought, lost in another time, and when I didn’t answer, Mallory smiled, bumping my elbow with hers. “Hey, don’t sweat it. I know what it’s like to want to keep things private for a while.” She handed me a plate before working on the next one in the stack beside her. “Logan and I, we couldn’t tell anyone when we were together — not when there were so many… complications. And things were so messy for a long time. I hurt him,” she admitted. “Badly. But we found our way, eventually.”

  I still didn’t say anything, not wanting to own up to me and Jordan being more than friends, even though I knew it was silly to think everyone in that house didn’t know.

  Except for Paige — at least, I hoped.

  Besides, my mind was on another topic now, one that I couldn’t ignore.

  “Oh,” Mallory said, dropping the plate she was washing into the sink of soapy water and bending at an awkward angle, her hand on her lower back.

  “Are you okay?” I asked, drying my hands like I was about to have to spring into action.

  Mallory waved me off. “Fine. I’ve just been getting some back pains recently. But honestly, compared to the first trimester?” She shook her head. “This is heaven. I have more energy finally, and the nausea is gone — at least, for now. I’ve been craving some really strange food combinations, like — have you ever had French fries dipped in a malt from Blondies?” She mouthed oh my God, her eyes rolling up to the ceiling. “And it seems to feel better when I’m standing or moving around rather than sitting. But, otherwise? I’m feeling dandy.”

  I chuckled, placing a hand on her shoulder. “I really hate to be the one to burst your bubble, but this is the honeymoon stage of your pregnancy. Enjoy it while it lasts, because around the next corner is a whole lot of fuck this shit.”

  She burst out laughing, returning her hands to the soapy water as I readied myself beside her to continue rinsing.

  We were quiet for a pause, and I frowned, my rib cage shrinking in on my lungs as I considered what I was about to say to Mallory. I couldn’t explain why I wanted to, or why I felt comfortable enough to. Honestly, I didn’t feel comfortable.

  But I needed to talk to her.

  I needed to get this out.

  “Mallory,” I said, keeping my eyes on my hands as I rinsed a plate and she handed me another one. “I owe you an apology.”

  Mallory paused. “What for? I told you I want to be in here doing dishes. Please don’t make me go talk about ribbons and seating charts.”

  I couldn’t find it in me to smile. Instead, I pinched the bridge of my nose with my wet fingers, leaning a hip against the counter. “No, no… it’s not about now. It’s about…” I sighed, looking at her with remorse. Suddenly, I didn’t have the words.

  “What is it?” she asked, her brows bending together.

  My stomach fell to the floor before settling again, and I forced a breath. “Mallory, I am not proud of how long I put up with Randy’s shit. Our relationship turned sour so early, early enough that I should have known it would never be okay, but I stayed, anyway.”

  Mallory’s face went blank at the sound of Randy’s name, and she’d turned back to the water, working on scrubbing the spatulas and serving spoons. She handed them to me to rinse without looking at me again.

  “I was young,” I said. “Not that that’s an excuse, but… I… I didn’t know how bad everything was, how much he was hiding from me. I had clues, but…” I was stumbling, and I shook my head, trying to clear the fog. “What I’m trying to say is though I am ashamed of how long I stayed with him, and what I put up with, I am the most ashamed of the fact that I knew he disrespected you, and I did nothing about it.”

  Mallory’s hands went shock still in the water, and she slowly withdrew them, still not looking at me.

  “I don’t know everything,” I said, lowering my voice to a whisper as I checked over my shoulder to ensure no one was listening to us. “But I heard him talking to his friends about that night in your dad’s casino. He said… awful, inappropriate things about you, and about other girls who were far too young for him. And I…” I teared up, shaking my head as I lowered it in shame.

  “It wasn’t that bad,” she said softly, but her eyes said differently. “He pulled me into his lap, made some lewd gestures and pretty much said I should call him when I turned eighteen.”

  “How old were you when it happened?”

  She swallowed. “Fourteen
.”

  I shook my head, my stomach rolling with the threat to overturn the dinner we’d eaten. “I did nothing,” I whispered, ashamed. “I stayed with him and I didn’t come to your defense and I… I was young and scared and confused,” I tried to explain, but it all felt weak and pathetic. “I am so sorry.”

  In a flash, Mallory had dried her hands on a dish towel and framed my shoulders with them, bending her neck until I looked her in the eyes.

  “Listen to me,” she said sternly. “You do not apologize for him. You understand? It is not your fault. What he did to you, what he did to me, what he did to anyone — it is on him, not on you.”

  My eyes welled with tears, but I sniffed them back, unable to respond. It was true what I’d said about not knowing everything. I only had pieces of the puzzle I tried to put together for years. Randy was good at hiding things.

  He was good at manipulating me to think I was crazy, too.

  But I knew he’d done something inappropriate to Mallory, something that had made everyone in that underground casino that Patrick Scooter liked to run out of his house laugh and jeer and encourage him to push more. But I didn’t know how old she was — just fourteen.

  He was twenty-one at the time.

  “You are not responsible for his actions. Do you hear me?” she said, pulling me back to the moment with her.

  Mallory waited until I nodded, though I wasn’t sure if I agreed.

  “I know we have both been through a little bit of hell with that man — you much more than me, I’d imagine. But, as sick as this sounds, I’m not sorry for what he did to me. He opened my eyes that night, Sydney. He gave me a backbone, and for the first time in my life, I started standing up to what was wrong, and standing up for what is right. And look at you,” she said, shaking me a little. “You are an incredible mother, and a bad ass athletic trainer — on a team of men, might I add. I can tell just by looking into your eyes that you are stronger because of what you have been through. Am I wrong?”

  I rolled my lips together. I didn’t have to answer.