My Weirder-est School #1

by Dan Gutman

  Dedication

  To Emma

  Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Dedication

  1. The L Word

  2. STEM

  3. Brainstorming

  4. The Scientific Method

  5. The Great Egg Drop Challenge

  6. Getting Dirt on Dr. Snow

  7. Galileo in the Library

  8. Welcome to the Science Fair

  About the Author and Illustrator

  Copyright

  About the Publisher

  My name is A.J. and I love peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

  That’s right. I love peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. And I’m not ashamed to say it out loud, right in the middle of the vomitorium!

  “What?!” shouted Michael, who never ties his shoes. “A.J., did you just say the L word?”

  “A.J. said the L word!” shouted Ryan, who will eat anything, even stuff that isn’t food.

  “A.J. said the L word!” shouted Neil, who we call the nude kid even though he wears clothes.

  “A.J. said the L word!” shouted Alexia, this girl who rides a skateboard all the time.*

  Everybody was staring at me like I had just grown a third eyeball in the middle of my head. They all looked like they were going to faint.

  “Big deal,” I said. “I love skateboarding. I love playing football. I love my parents. I love pizza.”

  “I think that’s just wonderful, Arlo,” said Andrea Young, this annoying girl with curly brown hair. She calls me by my real name because she knows I don’t like it. “It’s good to talk about the things you love. I love school. I love singing and dancing and reading Shakespeare, and learning new things and getting good grades and—”

  “Oooh,” Ryan said, “A.J. and Andrea are talking about the things they love. They must be in love!”

  “When are you gonna get married?” asked Michael.

  The truth is, I love peanut butter and jelly sandwiches because they are awesome. I love peanut butter. I love jelly. When you put peanut butter and jelly together, they’re even more awesome than they were in separate jars.

  “Saying the word ‘love’ out loud means you’re becoming more mature, Arlo,” said Andrea. “I’m so glad to hear that you’re turning over a new leaf.”

  What? I didn’t turn any leaves over. What do leaves have to do with anything? And why would anybody bother turning over a leaf? Leaves are pretty much the same on both sides, so it’s a waste of time to turn them over.

  Why can’t a truck full of leaves fall on Andrea’s head?

  I go to Ella Mentry School. It was named after a rich lady named Ella Mentry, so it has the perfect name: Ella Mentry School. Mrs. Mentry used to be a teacher at our school a long time ago, when dinosaurs walked the earth. After she retired, she donated a million dollars to the school.

  Mrs. Mentry is really old now and walks with a cane. She still lives in the neighborhood. So if she forgets her name, she can just walk over to our school and see it on the sign. One time, she came to visit and a food fight broke out in the vomitorium. That was weird.

  But last week, the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened. Our teacher, Mr. Cooper, came running into our classroom.

  Well, that’s not the weird part. Mr. Cooper comes running into our classroom every day. The weird part was what happened next—a meteorite crashed through the window, smashed into the whiteboard in a giant fireball, and knocked Mr. Cooper onto the floor!

  Okay, that didn’t really happen. But I thought it would be more interesting than saying that Mr. Cooper tripped over his shoelaces. That’s what actually happened.

  Mr. Cooper thinks he’s a superhero, which is why he wears a cape all the time. Only superheroes wear capes. Nobody knows why. But that’s the first rule of being a superhero.

  “I’m okay!” Mr. Cooper said, jumping to his feet. “Let’s start our day, shall we? Turn to page twenty-three in your math books.”

  Ugh, I hate math. Why do we have to study math? Isn’t that why Benjamin Franklin invented the calculator?*

  Luckily, we didn’t have to do math. Because at that moment, an announcement came over the loudspeaker.

  “All classes, please report to the all-purpose room for a surprise assembly.”

  “Oooooooh!”

  Surprise assemblies have the perfect name, because you never know what’s going to happen there. It’s like opening up your birthday presents.

  “Not again!” groaned Mr. Cooper. “Okay, pringle up, everybody!”

  We lined up like Pringles and walked a million hundred miles to the all-purpose room, which we call the all-porpoise room even though there are no dolphins in there.*

  We had to sit boy-girl-boy-girl to make sure that we wouldn’t talk to anybody we liked. I had to sit next to Little Miss Know-It-All Andrea and her crybaby friend, Emily. Ugh, disgusting!

  Everybody sat down. Mr. Cooper told us to sit up straight. So we had to sit down and sit up at the same time. That was weird.

  I couldn’t wait for the big surprise. We were all glued to our seats.

  Well, not really. That would be weird. Why would anybody glue himself to a seat? How would you get the glue off your pants?

  You’ll never believe who walked out on the stage at that moment. You probably think it was our principal, Mr. Klutz. But it wasn’t. So nah-nah-nah boo-boo on you. It was our science teacher, Mr. Docker!

  He’s weird. Mr. Docker has a car that runs on potatoes. You can read about it in a book called Mr. Docker Is Off His Rocker! But not now!

  “Good morning, Ella Mentry students,” Mr. Docker said. “Do you kids know what STEM stands for?”

  “Sweet Tomato Elbow Macaroni?” somebody shouted.

  “Sleeping Turtles Exit Maryland?”

  “Smart Telephones Eliminate Money?”

  “Stop Trying to Eat Monsters?”

  “No,” said Mr. Docker. “STEM stands for Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math.”

  “Ohhhhhh.”

  “I have good news and bad news for you,” Mr. Docker told us. “The bad news is that our school’s STEM scores are way down from last year. So I got permission from Mr. Klutz to bring in my old college roommate to help us with STEM—the world-famous scientist Dr. Melvin Snow. Please give him a round of applause. Dr. Snow, come on out here!”

  We all clapped our hands in a circle, which is what you’re supposed to do any time anybody gets introduced. Nobody knows why.

  Dr. Snow came out from behind the stage. He had really frizzy hair and a weird look in his eyes.

  “Snowman!” said Mr. Docker as he hugged Dr. Snow. I guess that’s Dr. Snow’s nickname.

  “That Snowman guy looks crazy,” I whispered to Andrea.

  “What makes you think that?” she replied.

  “Look at his wild frizzy hair,” I told her. “Anybody who has wild frizzy hair must be crazy.”

  “You shouldn’t judge people by the way their hair looks, Arlo,” Andrea told me. “You’re just stereotyping Dr. Snow.”

  “How can you type on a stereo?”

  “Arlo, I was beginning to think you had matured,” Andrea told me. “But I guess I was wrong. When are you going to grow up?”

  “In about ten years,” I told her. “When are you going to grow down?”

  Andrea rolled her eyes, so I knew I won the argument.

  At that point, the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened.

  The Snowman took a balloon out of his pocket and blew it up. Then he tied a knot in the end.

  “Watch this,” he said. “If I rub this balloon against my head, it will stick to the wall.”

  “Your head will stick to the wall?�
�� I asked.

  “Not my head,” he replied. “I’m going to stick the balloon to the wall!”

  Oh. That’s different.

  The Snowman rubbed the balloon against his frizzy hair. Then he put the balloon against the wall. And you know what? It stuck! Just like he said it would.

  Everybody went “WOW,” which is “MOM” upside down.

  “Rubbing the balloon against my hair added electrons to the surface of the balloon,” said the Snowman. “So the wall was more positively charged than the balloon. That’s science!”

  “Does anybody have a question for Dr. Snow?” asked Mr. Docker.

  “Yeah,” I said. “Why would anybody want to stick a balloon to a wall?”

  “For the fun of it!” replied the Snowman. “Science is fun!”

  “Any other questions?” asked Mr. Docker.

  Andrea waved her hand in the air like she was washing a big window with a rag. So of course, she got called on.

  “You said you had good news and bad news,” said Andrea. “But you only told us the bad news. What’s the good news?”

  “Oh yes. I almost forgot,” said Mr. Docker. “The good news is that Ella Mentry School is going to have a fair!”

  A fair? I love fairs!

  “Yay!” everybody shouted.

  Fairs are cool. You get to play games and eat cotton candy and go on rides and win stuffed animals and—

  “We’re going to have a science fair,” said the Snowman.

  WHAT?!

  A science fair? I never heard of a science fair.

  “Will there be cotton candy at the science fair?” asked Ryan.

  “No,” said the Snowman.

  “Will there be rides?” asked Alexia.

  “No.”

  “Can we win stuffed animals?” I asked.

  “No.”

  What?! The science fair sounded like a science unfair to me.

  “Booooooooo!”

  Everybody was booing and hooting and hollering and freaking out. Mr. Docker held up his hand and made a V with his fingers. That’s the victory peace sign. It means “shut up.”

  “The science fair is going to be fun!” the Snowman told us. “Each of you can do an experiment, just like a real scientist.”

  “Kids can’t be scientists,” somebody yelled.

  “Sure they can!” replied the Snowman. “You can conduct experiments in chemistry, physics, biology, and engineering using everyday objects you have around your house. Each of you will do a project.”

  Wait. I think he just said the P word.

  “Project” is a horrible word because it means work. It means cutting and pasting and drawing and gluing and folding and stapling stuff. I’d rather fall into quicksand than do a project. I’d rather get attacked by a porcupine than do a project. I’d rather go to school on the weekend than do a project.

  “Will there be prizes for the best project?” asked Andrea, who will do anything as long as she might win a prize so she can show that she’s better than everybody else.

  “Yes!” said the Snowman. “The student with the best science project will win a year’s pass to the city science museum, and they will also receive a year’s supply of Porky’s Pork Sausages.”

  “Yay!” everybody started cheering. I don’t like museums very much, but Porky’s Pork Sausages are the best pork sausages.

  “Oooh, I hope I win!” said Little Miss Perfect as we filed out of the all-porpoise room.

  “Me too!” said Emily, who always agrees with everything Andrea says.

  When we got back to class, Mr. Cooper passed out.

  I mean, he passed out paper and pencils. He told us to start taking notes and brainstorming about science fair ideas. Brainstorming is when you have a storm in your brain, so it has the perfect name.

  “I need to use the restroom,” he said. “I’ll be back in a few minutes to see how you’re making out.”

  “Ugh, gross!” we all shouted.

  As soon as Mr. Cooper left, Ryan, Michael, Neil, and I snapped into action. We got up on our chairs and shook our butts at the class.

  “Boys!” Andrea said, rolling her eyes. “While you waste your time acting like dumbheads, I’m going to get to work so I can win the science fair contest.”

  I really didn’t care about winning the science fair contest. I just wanted to make sure that Andrea didn’t win. So I sat back down and tried to think of a cool science fair project.

  “We should blow something up,” I suggested. “Scientists are always blowing stuff up.”

  “Blowing things up is not science,” said Little Miss Party Pooper. “Science is all about inventing new, useful things and building things that make life easier for people.”

  Hmmm. Inventing things. That got all of us thinking.

  “I’m going to invent a solar-powered skateboard,” said Alexia. “The top will be covered with solar panels.”

  “That’s a cool idea,” I said.*

  “I’m going to invent an electric chicken chucker,” said Ryan.

  “What does a chicken chucker do?” asked Neil.

  “It chucks chickens,” Ryan replied.

  I don’t know why chucking chickens would make anybody’s life easier. It sure wouldn’t make a chicken’s easier. But in my head, I imagined a machine chucking chickens, and it did seem cool.

  “I’m going to invent a time machine,” said Neil. “That way, I can go back to the year before Twinkies were invented.”

  “Why would you want to do that?” asked Emily.

  “So I could invent Twinkies!” Neil replied. “I’ll be rich, rich, rich!”

  That’s when I got the greatest idea in the history of the world.

  “I’m going to invent an air conditioner that you wear on your feet,” I said.

  “Why would you want to put air conditioners on your feet?” asked Neil.

  “Sometimes my feet get hot,” I explained.

  “I’m going to invent antigravity underwear,” said Michael.

  “Why?” Neil asked.

  “So I can fly, of course!” said Michael.

  We were all coming up with really good ideas for the science fair. I drew a picture of myself walking around with two little air conditioners on my feet.

  “What are you going to do for your science project, Andrea?” asked Emily.

  “Oh, my project is a secret,” Andrea replied.

  I tried to peek at Andrea’s paper, but she was hanging all over it so I couldn’t see.

  “I still say we should blow something up,” I announced. “Maybe we can invent a robot that will make people’s lives easier, and then we’ll have to blow it up when the robot turns evil. I saw that in a movie once.”

  At that moment, the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened. I glanced toward the doorway and saw the Snowman’s frizzy psycho hair in the corner. He was rubbing his hands together and listening to our conversation.

  I don’t care what anybody says. The Snowman is definitely crazy, and he probably wants to take over the world.

  There are only two reasons why anybody ever rubs their hands together. Either they want to take over the world, or they’re cold.

  And the Snowman wasn’t cold.

  For first period the next day, we had science. When we got to the science room, the Snowman wasn’t there. But Mr. Docker was.

  “Follow me,” he told us.

  “Where are we going?” asked Emily.

  “We’re going on a field trip,” replied Mr. Docker.

  “Yay!”

  Field trips are cool. One time, we went on a field trip to the zoo. Another time, we went on a field trip to a natural history museum. But if you ask me, they shouldn’t be called field trips unless you take a trip to a field. Then they would have the perfect name.

  Mr. Docker led us to a secret stairway near the science room. We started climbing the steps. And climbing. And climbing! Climbing steps is tiring.

  “Where are we going?” asked Mic
hael.

  “You’ll find out,” said Mr. Docker.

  I thought I was gonna die from climbing all those steps. I was huffing and puffing and sweating and panting.*

  Finally, Mr. Docker opened a door at the top of the stairs. And you’ll never believe in a million hundred years what was up there.

  We were on the roof of the school!

  Did you ever go out on the roof of your school? It’s cool up there. It’s like being on the top of the Empire State Building. You can see forever from the roof. Or at least the next block. And you’ll never believe who was up there.

  I’m not going to tell you.

  Okay, okay, I’ll tell you. It was Dr. Snow, the Snowman!

  He had a rope tied to a bucket, and he was swinging the bucket around his head like a lasso.

  That was weird. People who swing buckets around their heads are definitely crazy.

  “Hi everybody!” said the Snowman.

  “Why are you swinging a bucket around your head, Dr. Snow?” asked Ryan.

  “I bet it’s part of a science experiment,” said Andrea.

  “Right you are!” said the Snowman.

  Andrea smiled the smile she smiles to let everybody know that she knows something nobody else knows. The Snowman stopped swinging the bucket around and put it on the floor.

  “Now I’m going to fill this bucket up with maple syrup,” he said as he took a big jug of maple syrup and poured it into the bucket.

  “Why are you doing that?” I asked. “Are we having pancakes?”

  “No,” said the Snowman. “Now I’m going to swing the bucket around my head again, with syrup inside it.”

  “Won’t the syrup fly all over the place?” asked Emily. “It will be a sticky mess.”

  “There’s only one way to find out,” said the Snowman. “That’s why scientists do experiments.”

  The Snowman picked up the bucket with the rope and started swinging it around slowly. Emily looked scared.

  “I’m scared,” said Emily.

  “Okay, now I’m going to swing it a little faster,” said the Snowman. “Stand back!”