Shattered Memories

by Susan Harris

  “Yeah, I uh… Dr Costello got me a pass to go home… to see if I remembered anything.” I spoke quietly and his brows wiggled in excitement.

  “Aaaannnnd?” He drawled.

  “I didn’t kill my parents.”

  “Well, duh… knew that already, sweetheart… stop stalling and spill… you tell me your secret, and I will tell you mine.”

  “What secret?” I asked, curiosity getting the better of me.

  He shook his finger. “No, uh. You first.”

  “I know who killed them. I remembered but promised I wouldn’t say anything yet… Dani— eh… Dr Costello advised me not to until after I saw him today.” My cheeks no doubt reddened at having almost said Daniel, but Jayson just laughed.

  “Puh-lease… I know all about you and the good doctor, Alana.”

  “How?” I said and looked sideways at him.

  Jayson smirked. “Another story for another day.”

  At that point, I knew he wouldn’t say any more either, and we lapsed into a comfortable silence. I guess we stayed that way awhile, and then he reached over and tapped me on my shoulder.

  “Aren’t you the least bit curious what you might have missed while you were trippin’ yesterday?” I knew by the gleam in his eyes that he was dying to tell me, but I was in no mood for games.

  “Is it something major?”

  “You could say that…”

  “Either tell me or get out… You’re giving me a headache.”

  “Well, miss I got out of the wrong side of bed this morning… I don’t have to tell you.” His grin only widened, and I couldn’t help but laugh and push his shoulder hard.

  “Just tell me already.”

  “William Johnson is coming here on Friday.”

  I knew the name, but it took me a second for two things to happen: One—I remembered that William Johnson was the man responsible for creating the Court of Justice system and launching it worldwide. Not only that, but this prison was his concept. Two—my mind registered hearing my dad tell Theresa he would send his report regarding Treatment to Grand Master Johnson. Could it be that this was the Grand Master of Justice my dad meant?

  “Did you hear me, Alana? The man who birthed this fine establishment is coming here Friday to give a talk. The place is buzzing with excitement. We get to have a party and everything.”

  If my dad had intended to tell him about the effects of Treatment and Theresa’s plans to use it on teens, then I had to speak to him. One way or another, I had to get close enough to speak with him.

  “Uh oh… you have that look in your eyes, Alana… I don’t like it.”

  “What look in my eyes?”

  “The look that says you are about to dive into a nest full of bees and hope not to get stung.” Huh, what a fitting description.

  I ignored his statement. “Why is he coming? Is it an anniversary or something?”

  Jayson shrugged. “He is making his way around every section of the prison system. Some think it’s because he is getting on in age and won’t make the trip again. He’s coming in a helicopter and all… man, I haven’t seen one of those since I was a kid.”

  “And will we all be going to his talk?”

  With a nod, Jayson replied. “Yup, according to one of the guards, he wants to see how things have settled since your dad died.”

  I didn’t get a chance to respond because Connors appeared in the doorway. He looked from me to Jayson and all but dragged Jayson out of the room. I heard Jayson chuckle, so I knew he wasn’t in much trouble, but Connors looked pissed when he came back.

  “What’s got your knickers in a knot?” I teased as we followed the daily path down the stairs and across the mess hall before exiting through the door.

  “Jayson’s a flirt. Danny’s done a lot for him. He needs to not look at you like that.”

  “Like what?”

  “As if he wants a quick tumble between the sheets with you. Danny doesn’t deserve that.”

  “Hey!” I caught his elbow, forcing him to look at me. “I love him, Daniel, I mean. I would never do that to him, ever.”

  His face relaxed and his cheek twitched. “Okay, sorry… I’m just on edge today.”

  “I heard about Grand Master Johnson…”

  “Yeah. Security is going to get amped up, and we have too many fingers in hot water at the moment. A lot could go wrong.”

  My eyes met his, and I knew Connors was scared. “Is this about me? Are you guys in trouble?”

  Connors nudged me forward. “Not my place to say, McCarthy. Ask Danny.”

  “Ha—I’ll do just that.”

  Connors let us in Daniel’s office. He was standing with his back to us, hands clasped behind his back, staring out the window. He swivelled towards us and gave me a knee-weakening smile. I crossed the room and forgot that Connors was in the room with us. As I wrapped my arms around his neck, I shuddered when he put his hands on my hips and we kissed.

  Connors cleared his throat. “Um, still here people… don’t we have stuff to discuss.”

  So I wasn’t going to have time alone with Daniel. We separated and Daniel eased himself into his desk chair. I yelped in surprise when he pulled me into his lap. Connors paced the room. I had never seen the man so on edge and restless.

  “Connors, sit down… you will wear a hole in my floor.” Daniel tried to make a joke, but Connors kept pacing.

  “We are running out of time, Danny-boy … we need to bring things forward.”

  “When?” Daniel asked, his tone flat.

  “Friday… it has to happen Friday. They will be putting Theresa’s new security system in place over the weekend. While Johnson is here on Friday, the equipment will be brought in, quietly and under the radar, while everyone is concentrating on Johnson’s visit.”

  I had no idea what they were talking about but kept my mouth shut and listened.

  “Do you have an exit plan?”

  “I do… I just need to sort one thing out, and we are set. Is all your stuff in place?”

  I leaned my head on Daniel’s shoulder and felt him nod. “All I have to do is make the call.”

  “Can someone fill me in here? I’m lost.” I interrupted.

  Daniel caressed my cheek. “You’re better off not knowing. If things go wrong, then you can tell the truth. You don’t need to know anything at this point, please just trust us.”

  I grabbed his chin with my hand and yanked his face, forcing him to look at me. “If you are planning something that might end up hurting you or Connors… don’t… don’t do it for me. At least tell me that.”

  “Just promise me that when I tell you to go, if I tell you to run, you will.”

  “Daniel I—” My words cut off as he fixed me with his eyes.

  “Promise me.” Daniel all but growled.

  “I promise.” What else could I do?

  “So Friday… got it… should I inform the other fella as well?”

  “Please. Jayson needs to know and be ready.”

  “Hey!” I shrieked. “How come Jayson gets to know and I don’t?”

  “I care about your safety. Jayson can hold his own.”

  I snorted while thinking back to my own plan and cast my eyes towards Connors.

  “Hey, Connors, can I ask you a question?”

  He stopped pacing and returned my gaze. Even though he said nothing, I saw his eyes flicker to Daniel and then back to me.

  “Can you get me close enough on Friday to talk to Grand Master Johnson? Before whatever you both have planned happens.”

  Both men looked at me quizzically, but it was Daniel who asked me why.

  “I need to get close enough to him to tell him that Theresa killed my family and that she wanted to make mindless super soldiers from inmates.”

  I didn’t think I had ever seen or felt the anger that radiated from Daniel. Connors quickly excused himself, and when I was alone with him, Daniel almost blew a fuse. I jumped off his lap as he slammed a hand down on the table. />
  “Are you serious? Are you really serious? If you do that, you will jeopardize everything that we have worked hard all these months to set in place.”

  My hands on hips, I spat back at him. “And you expect me to just sit back, wait and see if you can pull off whatever scheme you and Connors have cooked up? That bitch killed my family and deliberately let me take the blame for it. I can’t let her get away with it.”

  “She will not get away with it, Alana. Trust me. I have everything in place. Theresa Lane will get what she deserves, but you cannot be a part of it. I will not let you blindly put yourself in danger. And what’s to say he will believe you? You have no evidence, only the frantic words of a girl desperately clinging to a life that is slipping through her fingers.”

  Talk about a punch in the gut. Anger radiated from me like a fire. “Is that what you really think of me? You ask me to trust you, but do you trust me? No. If you can’t trust me and tell me what the hell you guys are neck deep into, then why did you bother? Why risk it at all?”

  “Because I love you!” Daniel bellowed and the words echoed throughout the room. Connors returned, and we clamped our mouths shut.

  “Can I suggest we all just cool down because I could hear you out in the hallway, Danny-boy. What if the warden had passed by? C’mon guys, don’t fall apart on me now.”

  I turned and faced the window, looking out as the leaves fell from the trees, drifting slowly until they blanketed the ground. I was like the leaves, breaking away from the tree and falling slowly into nothingness.

  The guys muttered behind me, but I didn’t care. How could Daniel not think that I would want to be part of what brought that bitch to her knees?

  I waited until Daniel came to me and wrapped his arms around me from behind, kissing my neck before speaking. “I’m sorry. We are all on thin ice, Alana, and we need to think with clear heads.”

  Part of me knew he was right and part of me wanted to ignore him and move forward with my own plan. But I would need Connors on board for that.

  A beep sounded, and Connors said, “What now?” A short pause later he answered his own phone, “Her session with Dr Costello is not over… will it not wait till after?”

  We both turned and watched as his brow creased. “Yes, sir.” Connors hung up the phone and looked at us grimly. “The warden wants to see you right now, Alana.”

  My heart skipped a beat and then proceeded to pound against my chest like a jackhammer. I not only had to go face-to-face with the woman who’d murdered my family and put the blame on me, but pretend I knew nothing. I couldn’t tell her that I’d remembered anything. My temper flared. It was obvious that everyone else was worried that the crazy girl would do something to put us all in danger.

  Daniel took my face in his hands and pinned me with his stare. “Alana, you promised me two days. Do not give Theresa anything. If she suspects that you remember, then we will all die. Hold your tongue and be patient. Trust in us, and we will have our revenge.”

  “Okay.” I spoke the words, but they were bitter on my tongue. Could I really sit across from her and keep quiet?

  Daniel brushed his lips against mine. “I love you.”

  “Love you too.”

  Connors and I left Daniel to his own devices, and we turned right instead of left. I watched as the elevator doors opened, and we stepped inside. The whirl of the gears was strange, and slowly we moved upwards. Before we come to a stop, Connors glanced down at me and said, “Don’t fuck this up, McCarthy. I enjoy breathing.”

  And then the doors clanged open, and we stepped out. I hoped I didn’t fuck it up either.

  25

  Alana

  “I wanna hate every part of you in me,

  But I can’t hate the ones that made me”

  (Youmeatsix: Bite my Tongue)

  Sometimes a startling sense of calm comes before a vicious rage. I did not tremble nor did my eyes give away anything. To anyone on the outside, I was the epitome of cool, calm, and collected. But inside, buried beneath promises and love, lay a blanket of unbridled rage and resentment. It was a force of rage that bubbled up waiting for one word, one action to unleash it and project the tornado that gathered inside me.

  When we entered her office at the end of a long walkway, Theresa Lane was seated behind a desk. In her presence, the room seemed too small and uncomfortable. She indicated for me to take a seat, and I complied because I had promised Daniel that I would be the perfect inmate. I would pretend that I didn’t know that the murderous bitch sitting across from me was responsible for ruining my life.

  Connors hesitated, his hands on the back of the chair as if he too were afraid that I couldn’t hold my temper… that I would spill everything out on the table. But Theresa dismissed him, saying he wasn’t needed because she just wanted a friendly chat with me.

  When Connors reluctantly left us alone, I scanned the office, looking for something to focus on. Theresa liked to show off, and I guessed that from the abundance of diplomas, awards, and trophies that covered the walls and cabinets, she did it often. On the cabinets sat an array of pictures, but I was far too short to see them from my current position. From the ones I could see, it affirmed my belief that she valued work over other aspects of her life. In every photo, Theresa wore different types of uniforms. Most were familiar to me because my dad had had several similar ones hanging in his closet.

  Finally, I turned and faced her. Part of me delighted in the flash of dismay that crossed her face before she masked it with that of the warden, a woman in charge, one who demanded respect. But not from me. I felt the anger slip through my shield of calm and tried to squash it back down by thinking about Daniel and all he had done to get us here. I could bite my tongue. For now. It might hurt, and I might do it literally, but it was important to keep my promise.

  Theresa Lane watched me as if she did not know how to start the conversation. Maybe she was trying to figure out if I knew something that my face obviously did not give away. We had known each other for years. Theresa hadn’t changed much. Not a dark blonde hair out of place, pulled back into a severe bun, her appearance had remained the same too. While I studied her in this setting, knowing what I knew, the lines on the sides of her eyes only added to the bitter appearance. Her lips were pressed into a continuous scowl, and she cast her eyes over me, looking me up and down like I had her before she opened her mouth and began to speak.

  “Thank you for coming to speak with me, Alana.” Yeah, like I had much choice. “I sincerely apologize for cutting your session with Dr Costello short, but unfortunately with the Grand Master arriving in two days, I do not have a spare moment to myself.”

  Theresa paused. I said nothing. Theresa blew out a breath.

  “I had not wished this for you, Alana. Losing your memories and your family in such a manner.” Theresa shook her head and shuddered. My grip tightened on the arms of the chair. “Your father had such hopes for you, and now all that promise is to be no more.”

  “I hope that wherever my dad is, he is proud of me, no matter what I do or have done.”

  She cocked her head to the left. “Have you remembered, dear?”

  Swallowing, I readied myself to lie. “Bits and pieces… nothing in full.”

  “Care to elaborate?” Her voice had gone dangerously steady.

  I looked her dead in the eyes. “I did not kill them. There was someone else there that night. I heard raised voices and gunshots, and when I came out of the crawlspace in my room…” Her eyes widened, but I could hold back the smile inside. Ha, one point to me for surprise. “… I went downstairs and found them all dead. I tried to get Sophia to wake up, but she was already gone.”

  “And you have no idea who this other person was?”

  “No,” I answered through gritted teeth.

  She smiled, then a slow evil grin lit up her face and darkened her eyes. “Well, now that is such a shame. I really do wish that things had been different, Alana, that you had more of your father in you
so you would be honest and tell the truth. Projecting blame onto an invisible assailant is cowardly. I did not take you for a coward.”

  Breathe in and out. Breathe in and out. Do not leap across the table and strangle her. Think about Daniel. Do not let your fate become his. I repeated the mantra over and over and bit the inside of my mouth so hard the coppery taste of blood almost made me choke. I can do this, I can stay calm.

  Frustration caused a tiny bead of sweat on Theresa’s forehead, and she dabbed it daintily with a handkerchief that she pulled from the pocket of her blazer. I knew that handkerchief. I had been the one who had bought it and had my dad’s initials embroidered on the blue piece of material one year for Christmas. He always carried it when he went to work.

  She was baiting me, trying to make me lose control and snap, but I would work hard not to let her win. I was stubborn and hated to lose.

  When she had finished and pocketed the hanky again, she said, “Can I speak freely, Alana? Woman to woman?”

  I shrugged, giving the impression that I wasn’t bothered either way. She might think I’d fall for the friends act, but I didn’t want to hear her speak about my dad as if she knew him better than me. Regardless, I had to sit there and listen, faking interest.

  “I’m sure you’re aware that I used to be your father’s girlfriend. We grew up together and dated as teenagers and then at the training centre. Cormac… he had always been a good looking boy and was an even more handsome man. I loved him so much. We could have been happy together.”

  Her voice trailed off while thinking about my dad. I wanted to be sick. She had a look of pure adoration on her face as she spoke of him, and I felt the urge to slap it right off her face. But then she snapped out of whatever thoughts she had and smiled at me.

  “It was not to be, Alana. True love does not conquer all. We had many years of happiness, your father and me, but during our final two years of study, I became pregnant. Your father wanted me to leave my studies and raise our baby. He believed it was far too dangerous for me to be pregnant and out in the field. We argued about it, and I told him I would not put my career on hold for a child. It was to be the final nail in our coffin.”