It's Only Love

by Roy Glenn

  Afterwards we went to my apartment to talk about the movie and listen to some music. My place was usually dimly lit not for the purposes of seduction, mind you, it’s because I like the dark, so it was usually this way.

  “It’s because you’re a vampire,” Natasha joked.

  So we were in the kitchen and I had just poured us a glass of wine, and the intensity that always exists between us was stronger than it usually is. I wanted so badly for us to give into it and this time the feeling didn’t let up. And being here with her didn’t help. I know Natasha could feel it to, and that is when she usually says something like, look at the time. I need to be heading home.

  So to keep her from running, I moved toward her and picked up the glass of wine I had poured for her.

  “Come on, let’s sit down.”

  I grabbed her hand and literally dragged her out of the kitchen. I can’t speak for her, but the sensation that radiated from just touching her was incredible. Anyway, we were sitting there politely talking about what we both agreed was the greatest dance scene ever, when The O’Jays Forever Mine came on.

  Forever Mine.

  Our eyes connected.

  All because you’re my kind. Aw, baby.

  In that second, we could no longer avoid the one thing about our relationship that we had both been avoiding since the day we first met.

  I got what you want, you got what I want, An’ we were made for each other.

  I could see her chest rise and fall with each breath, and it started to affect me like nothing else ever had. I wanted, no I needed, to touch this woman. I turned to Natasha and watched her pretty eyes darken. She wanted me and before I knew it our tongues were tangled and moving in and out of each other’s mouths. I didn’t care about breathing right then; Natasha became my air. In that moment, she was the most vital element to my continued existence.

  Natasha was it, the one, and I needed to show her how much I wanted her. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her closer. That must have been what she wanted because she started to put her body into it. We became like sparks of luminous light, building each other’s intensity. The rhythm we had let me know that everything I had felt about her all this time had led me to what I knew would be the most spectacular experience of my life. I knew I was finally going to feel the sensation of being deep inside of her.

  I ran my hand across her luscious breasts and allowed them to linger there while she kissed me and explored my body with her hands. I glided my hands along her body slowly because I had envisioned this moment, dreamed about it, and now I was in it and I had no intention of rushing. I’d waited a long time. My hand drifted across her leg, under her skirt and was moving up her thighs on the way to her panties. What I discovered there was a soaked thong. I moved it out of the way and ran my fingers in her slickness.

  She whimpered and started to push her mound against my fingers. I thrust my fingers into her and kept the pace of her gyrating hips before rubbing my thumb against her hard clit. And then she came. Hard. She clenched around my fingers and moaned.

  Then it must have dawned on her just how far she allowed things to go, because her eyes opened wide and the previous lustful passion had been replaced with guilt. Natasha quickly moved back and I watched her smooth out her dress in front of her.

  “That was wrong of me. I shouldn’t have let that go so far.” She kept her eyes and her voice lowered. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to tease you.”

  Then Natasha bounced up from the couch and grabbed her purse.

  “Victor. I gotta go.”

  And just like that, Natasha was gone.

  I looked down at my hard dick. What just happened?

  Well I knew it was too good to be true if I were honest. Natasha wasn’t mine.

  I ran my hands across my face and inhaled her scent. I finished my wine, got up from the couch and then headed for the bathroom to take a cold shower.

  Chapter Ten

  Natasha

  There comes a time in everyone’s life where you say enough is enough. I thought it was just a cliché, but here I am. I’ve arrived. Enough is enough. Today, I have really had it.

  I had reached the point where every day with Lloyd had become a chore. When I look at him, it was no longer with a look of affection. Looking back, I should have known then that we would end up here. Lack of affection was just the first sign that I had no desire to spend any time with him. I could very easily go the entire day and not think of him once.

  Sure, we did the usual; because schedule was so important to him, he’d call at his usual times. I’ll continue working and listen while he talks about his agenda and maybe there’ll be some mention of how that agenda involves me. Then he has to go, I say okay and hang up. When we are both at the condo we move around each other without actually engaging each other in any meaningful way, and then we go to bed. I avoid having any sexual contact with him and then we go to sleep. Dealing with Lloyd was a responsibility. It was the right thing to do.

  I know what you’re thinking.

  You think this is about Victor; but believe me, it’s not.

  Even though his touch still lingers on my skin.

  Even though the taste of him in my mouth stays with me.

  Even though how intensely I came in his arms will never be something I can forget.

  That’s not why I’m done. No, I knew it was wrong being with him the way I was that night and that’s why I had to run away and as bad as I wanted to go back to his place to finish it, I couldn’t. Not even when the guilt of leaving him the way I did entered my mind. It was wrong. I was not only in this failed relationship with Lloyd, I was still living with the man. And that made it wrong, because I had respect for myself.

  So, it is not about Victor. This is because Lloyd is wrong for me. Period.

  The truth is, I am tired of living in the box Lloyd tries to keep me in, and I was fed up with being made to feel like I was nothing more than his trophy woman. I wanted to feel like Lloyd cared about me. I wanted to believe he valued me, that I was misinterpreting his actions that seemed to suggest otherwise. He’d make me feel that I was wonderful to have around at times, but I was an inconvenience at others.

  That was confusing until I realized the box I was in.

  In the meantime, I created a lot of excuses in my mind for the reason that things were the way they were, but weren’t really true. I had convinced myself that Lloyd’s sometimes rude, inconsiderate, or thoughtless remarks, were something other than his way of informing me that I stepped outside of the box. But that was exactly the case.

  There were times when I felt like Lloyd was knowingly hurtful or neglectful. It always left me feeling demeaned, disempowered, disrespected, and stuck in a relationship that was going nowhere. Not being able to share with my partner was like dying a slow death. And I had to ask myself; why am I settling? I mean, we aren’t married; I actually do have a choice.

  So, finally I came to the conclusion that sometimes people’s actions actually do speak louder than their words, and my interpretations were accurate.

  Mathematician, you know.

  “Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.”

  It’s a quote from an unknown author that my daddy told me the day he left the country after the divorce. That day I tried to tell him that love was always worth fighting for. That love would always find a way to put the pieces back together. He told me that I was wrong, and today I agree with him.

  So when Lloyd walked through the door that evening, I allowed him the chance to put his things down but when he moved in to peck my cheek, I pulled away and went to sit down on the couch.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “We need to talk.”

  “What about?”

  Lloyd looked at me carefully before electing to go and sit down in his chair. It wasn’t really his, it was mine, my daddy gave it to me, but naturally, Lloyd took it over like he do
es everything else. He said, ‘no matter where he was, every man needed his own chair’.

  To which I said, “Whatever.”

  As soon as his butt hit the cushion, I got to the point. “It’s over, Lloyd.”

  “What is?”

  “You and I, Lloyd. It’s over between us.”

  He looked at me and after a while he started to laugh before telling me to take some Midol.

  Take a pill; really?

  And just like that I was once again demeaned, disempowered, disrespected.

  “I mean it, it’s over. I can’t stay in this relationship with you any longer.”

  “Okay, Natasha. Let’s say that I’m going to entertain this farce for a few moments, go ahead and tell me why?”

  “Because you don’t want me, you want somebody who looks, walks, and talks like me. But you don’t want me.”

  “Huh?”

  He was kind of slow at times, so I broke it down for him.

  “You want Natasha. You want the Natasha that looks a certain way gracing your arm. You want the Natasha that can conduct herself around your family and friends. And you want nasty Natasha to perform as needed. You know, to play the part.”

  “I don’t see anything wrong with me wanting you to act like a lady should act.”

  “I don’t either. The problem is that I’m more than that. I’m Natie, and you don’t want Natie.” I laughed. “You don’t even like her.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “I’m a possession to you. Something you used when you need it and put away when you’re finished with it. And I realized that I don’t want to play that part anymore.”

  Then his pompous look turned to one of total bewilderment. “You’re serious about this, aren’t you?”

  “I know this may come as some surprise, Lloyd, but the truth is, we don’t have fun anymore, we don’t truly connect on any level, we just exist.”

  “That’s not true. We have a lot in common and we have a lot of fun.”

  “Doing what? Specifically.”

  His mouth quickly opened. but no words came out. Then he stared at me for a second or two. “We’ve had lots of fun together.”

  “That’s what I thought. Had; past tense. We used to have fun together, but now we just don’t, Lloyd,” I said pleadingly, hoping he’d see my point.

  He was silent before asking the thing that I’d hoped he wouldn’t. “Is there someone else?”

  “This isn’t about anyone else. This is about us. This is about us living the life we want. I’m not living my life. I’m living yours and it’s time for that to end.”

  “You didn’t answer my question, Natasha,” he sneered. “Is there someone else?”

  Even though there was someone else, this wasn’t about the man that I knew I could have all I wanted with. It wasn’t about how I could be who I really am with Victor.

  No it wasn’t about that at all.

  This was about how I couldn’t be that person with Lloyd.

  “There will always be someone better for both of us, as long as we stay together, because what we have isn’t it. There is somebody else for me. Who likes the person that I really am. The person that hides herself because she’s not what you want. She’s inside of me and it’s time that person come out and live.”

  He stood up and paced for a moment. I knew him well enough to know that his pacing meant that he’s acknowledged that it’s over and now it was about how he would look to everybody if we were through. How could he spin this so that he wouldn’t have to admit that he failed at something? His image is so important to him.

  “If it means anything, you’ve been good to me, and I do care about you very much,” I said. I knew when I said it that it didn’t mean anything to him, but it did to me. Appearances mattered too much to him and I was ruining it.

  That’s when it happened. “To be honest with you, Natasha, lately I’ve been thinking some of the same things.” He gave me that awkward laugh. “It’s funny.”

  “What’s that?”

  “When you asked me to tell you what we do fun,” he paused. “I asked myself that same question. That made me think that we need to give each other some space for a while. See other people for a while.” He raised his right hand to testify. “That’s the only reason I asked if you were seeing anybody. Anyway, that’s what we’ll do. We’ll keep things loose and causal for a while and see how that goes. Sound good?”

  “Honestly, Lloyd, you can put whatever spin you like on this, but for me, it’s over.” I stood up. “Goodbye, Lloyd. I’ll make arrangements to get my things and that chair out of your condo as soon as possible.”

  I turned and walked out to the sound of silence and I gotta say, I have never been more relieved. Contrary to what you might believe, I didn’t want to fail at this relationship either. I didn’t want to hurt Lloyd.

  That’s why I didn’t follow my heart the day I saw those brown eyes across the room. It’s why each time I was tempted to completely cross the line, I didn’t.

  So what’s next?

  For now I would spend time doing me. Going to the salon when I felt like it and not when Lloyd thought it was time for me to get it straightened professionally for an event. Going to the movies alone at the times I wanted and not worrying about whether he would be offended because his free time was supposed to be his time with me. I could be silly anytime I wanted without being reminded of my age.

  I could be me.

  Chapter Eleven

  Victor

  It’s been three weeks.

  Three long weeks since I woke up from the dream. Three weeks since I’ve seen or really heard from Natasha. Yeah, we exchanged a few generic texts and voice messages, but that was two weeks ago. Since then, nothing. This may sound corny, but it’s been three weeks since I’ve been happy.

  Since it was Monday, and I had to go to work, I opened my eyes and began to act like going to work was something important. Truth was, it wasn’t. Nothing really matters. And yes, I know, I sound depressing and weak, but you know what? I don’t care. It’s how I feel.

  I dragged myself into the bathroom and once the shower was the right temperature, I got in. Now, here’s the bright spot in my day. I love long hot showers; always have. It’s the place where I think things through, resolve issues and basically plan my day. Or at least it used to be. Now it is the only place that I allow myself the luxury of thinking about her without restriction. The rest of the day, I make every effort to push thoughts of Natasha out of my mind; otherwise I wouldn’t get anything done.

  Standing naked in the shower with the sensation of water pulsating against my skin, I close my eyes and my mind begins to drift to thoughts of that night.

  I can hear Forever Mine playing faintly in the background and our eyes lock. Each time I think about that second, that one second, looking into each other’s eyes. I’ve tried to explain it, but everything I come up with never really comes close to describing what I felt in that one second. All I can say is that in that one second I felt peace.

  Crazy, right?

  I turned and put my face in the water and in my mind’s eye I can see her luscious chest rise and fall and my head begins to sway to her rhythm.

  I got what you want, you got what I want, An’ we were made for each other.

  Her eyes, Natasha’s beautiful eyes invite me to kiss her, go on and kiss her. Then suddenly we explode and our tongues are dancing and there’s hands everywhere and it feels so good, so real, perfect to finally be able to touch her. I hold up my hands to the water and I relive the sensitivity of my hands lingering on her succulent breasts. I can picture them, her nipples, what they’ll look like, how they’ll feel as I glide my tongue across each one.

  And then it happens, the moment I’d been waiting for, and coincidentally, the reason for all this. My hand drifts under her skirt; I felt Natasha push against my fingers and I thrust my fingers into her. I open my eyes, turn off the shower and wonder what happened.

 
; As I get dressed to leave, the second guessing begins.

  Maybe I moved too fast, maybe things went too far. Maybe that’s why she ran.

  The only answer that I can come up with is; yes. I moved too fast and now she’s gone. For the moment, I accept that fact without question this time and once I’m dressed, I leave for work.

  Since I drive fast and a bit reckless at times, I do my best to not think too much about her, but traffic always dies at some point. Now I have time to once again acknowledge the fact that I was wrong and wish that I had the chance to make it up to her. Just one chance to see her again and maybe I could make it right. Because I’m thinking that there was some other reason that Natasha ran away from me.

  Maybe this is about Lloyd.

  Maybe she and Lloyd were in a better place in their relationship and that’s why I lost her. Maybe he finally realized what a wonderful woman he has in Natasha and began to do all the things she wanted. You know, the things that we used to do together. But there is a part of me that just doesn’t believe that.

  I don’t feel like I’m free to be myself with him, Natasha told me once.

  So it was easy for me to convince myself that no other man could be all she needed.

  When I get to work, I get the feeling that everybody is staring at me and laughing because they can see the look on my face. Like they know I had the one and I let her get away. My assistant handed me a marked-up version of the status report and that slaps me back to reality. I review her changes before I rush into a meeting with our investment team.

  Later that morning, one of the Managing Directors requested a briefing book on the company we’re pitching, because he doesn’t know anything about it. Once he received it, he called Homer because he was the point person for this project and yells at him because it’s one hundred pages of material and since he doesn’t know anything about it—well you get the point. While other members of the team tell management about the buyers who are interested in them and the meetings they’ve set up, I’m vaguely listening because I was busy thinking how I hadn’t realize how much I needed her before. And I certainly didn’t realize when I looked in her eyes in that one second that the next day that I’d feel this hurt and feel like nothing mattered anymore.