Welcome to the Apocalypse

by Cathy Gaitan

  Pink starts calling out names as Bibidee Bea points. We disagree on a couple and witchy Bea says sarcastically, “We could always give them one of each. It would only be half as disorienting for them.”

  Pink and I look at one another. We’re that uncertain. “Do that,” we say.

  Bea raises a brow. “Seriously?”

  Pink and I nod. “Wendell and Devon are best friends. Somehow I don’t think they’d mind,” says Pinkerton.

  “And you think I’m crazy,” she mumbles.

  “Okay,” she sighs. Here goes nothing. She drops each set of eyeballs into zip lock bags with their names written on the outside in marker. “Grab the bags and let’s do this thing.”

  Pink and I each grab a few and we follow the witch. Room by room she goes dropping eyeballs into eye sockets, chanting and soothing. It’s a long process but finally she’s done.

  “I need a drink,” she mutters and heads down the hall. “Does anyone else want one?”

  “No thank you,” I’m quick to decline. I’m still reeling from last night.

  “How about you, Pinkerton?”

  I’m shaking my head at him in warning but of course he ignores me.

  “Sure, why not,” he replies. Fine. If he wants to deal with a hangover from hell so be it. I warned him.

  We get downstairs and the witch pulls out a bottle of orange juice and hands it to him.

  “Orange juice,” he asks. Expecting, like I did, a bottle of witch’s brew.

  Bibidee Bea smiles and says, “Of course. It’s too early for anything harder. Besides, Boom Hildie doesn’t carry the hard stuff and I only had the one bottle.”

  I grab the bottle from Pink’s hand and down the drink in three swallows. I feel better already.

  Titus and Julia walk in holding hands and the witch squeezes her orange juice bottle so hard the liquid flies up and hits the ceiling. When it comes down it lands perfectly back into the bottle. That witch is nuts but she’s got some cool tricks.

  Julia raises her brow but doesn’t say anything other than to ask the status of the injured.

  “How long before we can transport them to Happyville,” asks Titus as he rifles through the refrigerator.

  Bibidee Bea sticks her finger in her mouth and holds it up as if she’s checking the direction of the wind inside. Weird. “At least a couple of days.”

  “Okay,” says Julia. “I guess that will give us some time to try to track down some information on the Human group that attacked our team members.”

  The witch waves her off. “Oh, we already have all that.”

  Titus and Julia look at her dumbfounded. “What? How could you know that already,” Titus asks her.

  Witchy Bea grabs her heart as though wounded. “Will you never learn to trust me? I am all knowing, dammit!”

  “Where can we find them?” Julia gets straight down to business.

  “No worries. The witches are handling it,” Bibidee Bea replies snatching the peach Titus had just pulled from the refrigerator out of his hands.

  “We handle our own,” Julia’s stubborn streak rears its head. “Thanks for the help but we Zombies can take care of our own business.”

  Bibidee Bea smiles at she bites the peach and juice from the fruit squirts Julia on the cheek making her scowl. Every one stills. No one would be shocked to see them come to blows.

  The witch replies, “Good luck finding your way out.” And here we go. Julia goes for the witch’s throat and somehow winds up with her hands around Pinkerton’s neck.

  “What the hell?” Julia roars as she releases Pinkerton leaving him gasping for air. “Fight fair witch!”

  “Might makes right’ is archaic! It was created by Humans and, sadly, the mindset seems to be carried on by the Zombies,” Bibidee Bea ranted. She’s sitting on the kitchen counter while a blade spins in front of her. “Witches don’t adhere to that nonsense. Your idea of fair is warped. You want me to play your game because you can’t play mine. Fairness is an illusion.”

  The witch has a legitimate point I have to admit.

  “We need to leave. This fight is ours, witchy Bea. Not yours,” Julia hisses through clenched teeth.

  “You’re the ones who asked for our help. You can’t pick and choose when that applies,” Bibidee Bea calmly replied. “As we speak the Humans are scouring every inch of this city. The streets, the bus stops, the airport, the train station. They have road blocks set up, helicopter flyovers, search parties on foot.”

  She takes another bite of her peach, then continues. “These Humans have been planning this for a while. The billboards Wendell told you about were placed by them. It was a trap from the beginning.”

  Pinkerton flinches as though she’d slapped him. He slams his hand into the nearest cabinet. “I should have known. It was too easy. I even joked with him about it.”

  “Don’t get distracted by the details. The Humans are organized. Your recruitment team took the hit but you all have targets on your back. If you leave you endanger your entire family.”

  Titus slides his hand over Julia’s shoulder. “What the witch says makes sense. We can’t risk getting caught or leading the Human’s to our base camp.

  Julia nods and looks at Bea. Her anger from earlier has been replaced by concern. “Are those in Happyville in danger?” It’s what we’re all thinking. It’s frustrating to have our group divided.

  “No,” the witch says with certainty. “We have two witches assigned there. The Humans won’t be able to see find the town. Even if they were looking for it. My sisters will make sure of it.”

  Julia sighs in relief. “You said we’d be able to leave in a couple of days. Will it be safe to return home?”

  “I think so but we’ll have to play it by ear. There ae other factors that may affect your departure date,” Bibidee answers vaguely leaving Julia gritting her teeth.

  “What factors?” Titus asks.

  “Well, there are other factions that may play a role in this Apocalypse,” she says casually. Like it’s no big deal.

  “What factions are you talking about,” asks Pinkerton. Good question.

  Bea glares at him. She really dislikes Pinkerton for some reason. “Warlocks,” she grumbles. “They’re like the male equivalent of witches. Only less awesome.”

  “You think the Warlocks are allying themselves with Humans,” my voice is rising but I don’t care. This sounds really bad. I shake my fist at the world. “Males ruin everything,” I bellow.

  “Hey,” Pink and Titus object in unison while Julia Caesar and Bibidee Bea nod in agreement.

  “You can say that again, sister,” says Boom Hildie entering the room. “Don’t sweat it. There is nothing a warlock can do that a witch can’t correct. We’ve had lots of practice. Haven’t we Bea? Those males are always stirring up trouble.”

  Bibidee Bea rolls her eyes. “Oh, the stories we could tell. But we won’t. You know, because of Wiccan code blah, blah, blah. Something, something, something legally binding.”

  Don’t get me wrong, being a Zombie rocks sometimes, but I kind of want to be a witch right now. They speak my language!

  Boom Hildie stops beside me and clucks her tongue. “Aww, you are so cute! Sorry, though! This is a ‘members only’ club. Unfortunately, we don’t accept those of the brain eating variety.” The story of my life!

  “Don’t worry, Mercy,” shouts Bea. “You can be an honorary sister. None of the skills but all of the thrills.”

  I think for a moment. That could be cool. Maybe. But dammit. I want the skills! Being able to throw some volts at someone when they do me wrong seems fitting. Steal my 5k? BAM! Stab me in the heart? Kapow!!

  “I’ve got your back Mercy. If you ever need me to zap anyone for you just say the word,” Bea volunteers.

  “Thanks Bibidee Bea,” I say. After all, it’s the thought that counts.

  At that moment Julia’s phone starts ringing. Then Titus’ chimes in. When mine and Pink’s start vibrating I feel my heart sink to my
stomach. This cannot be good.

  Julia’s barking orders. Titus is just as terse.

  When I answer Molly shrieks, “The Humans are outside. What do we do?”

  I look at Bibidee Bea. She and Hildie are holding hands and chanting. There’s light surrounding them. It almost looks like its shining through them. There’s a hum in the air. I think it might be connected to their chants. Molly’s still speaking but I can’t hear what she’s saying. I can’t hear anything but the chanting and that hum. It feels like it’s vibrating inside me. The chant is in my head. It gets louder and louder and the light shines so bright I can barely keep my eyes open. Bea grabs my hand and Hildie grabs Julia’s.

  The light doesn’t blind me anymore. We are the light! The chant and the hum is not just in my head. It’s in my heart. My soul even. It’s vibrating in my bones. ‘We are the light. Let the circle be unbroken.’ I feel myself saying the words without conscious thought. Again and again. I can’t hear them but I know that the other women are saying it as well. Because we are the same. We are the sisterhood.

  I don’t know how long this goes on but when everything settles we are staring at one another.

  “What the hell was that,” asks Titus in dazed confusion.

  “The Warlocks have chosen,” Hildie grimly answers.

  There are tiny dots in Bea’s eyes that are swirling like chaos unleashed. “They chose wrong!”

  I pick up my forgotten phone. “Molly? Are you still there?”

  “Yes,” she answers shakily. “But the Humans aren’t. I don’t know what happened but they’re dust. Literally dust.” She sounds as shocked as I feel.

  “Okay, good,” I mumble. “I’ll call you back later.” I don’t even wait for her to respond before I hang up.

  “The Humans are piles of ash,” I tell everyone. I look at Bea and Hildie. “How did you do that from here?”

  “We did that,” Bea insists. Her eyes are still doing freaky things. “The sisterhood’s power is immense.”

  “Apparently your Zombie energy makes Wiccan energy go super nova,” Boom Hildie explains. “This might be the greatest alliance in the history of ever!”

  “What she said,” Bibidee Bea says with a hook of her thumb in Boom Hildie’s direction. Then she’s heading toward the injured Zombies’ rooms at a fast pace.

  “Where are you going,” shouts Julia Caesar. She wants answers of course.

  Witchy Bea stops at the entrance to the kitchen and turns to frown at her. “Queen Z I don’t have time to waste on your skepticism. Believe or don’t believe. It’s a personal choice we all have to make at some point. Right now I need to make sure your injured are protected. Hildie! Best get your hex on. Send something at those warlocks that will befuddle them. You know like a Cryptoquip or a Sudoku puzzle.” She takes note of our confused looks and explains, “Warlocks suck at problem solving.”

  She’s gone before any of us can find our tongues. “How is a Cryptoquip supposed to help anything?” Pink’s question doesn’t get answered because Boom Hildie left the room at the same time Bibidee Bea did.

  I shrug my shoulders. “I don’t understand anything they do,” I tell him.

  Julia waits about 15 seconds then turns and leaves to find witchy Bea. I decide to look for Hildie. I’m kind of curious to see her perform a hex. Maybe she could teach me. That could come in really handy the next time Pinkerton decides to make a crooked bet with me.

  I find her in room with a sign on the door that reads:

  Wicked Witch at Work

  This Magic ain’t cheap!

  If you need a spell, a hex or a potion

  Witch, better have my money!

  When I walk in she’s busy gathering items from a walk in storage room. This room is huge. It’s made completely of stone with wide counters along every wall. In the center of the room is massive fire pit with a large cauldron suspended over the open flame. There’s something bubbling in the pot and, quite frankly, it stinks. If she’s working on a hex, I guess she’s on the right track because it smells like it’s going to be a nasty one.

  Boom Hildie comes out of the storage room with her arms loaded. “Oh, good. Company,” she says sarcastically. “Come help me carry this stuff.”

  I walk over to her and she unloads everything into my arms. “Put that on the counter. Better be careful,” she warns me. “You wouldn’t want anything to explode.”

  The minute I hear that my hands start to shake. I tell my hands to cut it out but, as usual, my body is a traitor to my mind. A small glass jar filled with weird looking dried objects flies end over end into the bubbling cauldron. It hits the liquid with a loud ‘plop!’ and the brew starts to hiss and smoke.

  I’m pretty sure my eyes are bugging out of my head because I think I may have botched the hex. Hildie’s back in that storage room and I’m fighting an internal battle with myself. Tell her or don’t tell her? What if she zaps me? I don’t want that! It looks painful. I’ve seen Pink fried enough times now to know I don’t want any part of it. But what if I don’t tell her and the hex is a dud. We could all be in danger.

  I pile the rest of the items on the counter arranging them in order of smallest to largest. It’s a distraction method but sadly it doesn’t help.

  “Geez, settle down Mad Zombie. It was just a jar of dried dragonflies. Nothing to lose your mind over,” Hildie cackles. She tosses a dead frog into the pot and what looks like a huge tongue. When she notices me staring she winks. “I figured twisting the Warlock’s tongues will keep them from telling tales to the Humans. Pretty ingenious, right?”

  “What kind of tales would they be telling,” I ask her watching as she tosses a dash of dash of lizard and pinch of spiders.

  “Bea believes the Warlocks may be trying to get a lock on your injured. They spilled a lot of blood. She’s worried about what those Humans may have done with the skin they peeled from your Zombies. The Warlocks could use it to locate them and by extension us.”

  “Wait,” my heart is pounding like a drum. “They could find us even through the veil thing?”

  “If they know what they’re doing. Luckily for us though those warlocks are hit and miss. Mostly miss.”

  Boom Hildie drops in the skull of some poor creature and flames erupt in the cauldron. She smiles strangely at me and says, “That was the wolf’s skull reacting to all the dragonflies.”

  Hildie grabs a huge wooden spoon and begins to stir the contents. Flames dance on the surface of the bubbling liquid. It’s dark green now. Almost black.

  When she looks back at me her eyes are doing that swirly thing that Bibidee Bea’s were doing earlier. “Can you hand me the last item,” she asks, indicating the long tooth sitting on the counter. I pick it up and hold it out to her. “Gently lower the saber tooth in,” she says. “Flat end first,” Hildie advises. I hold the pointy edge between my fingers and gasp when it pricks my thumb. When I release it into the brew a few drops of my blood drip in along with it.

  “Excellent!” The concoction is roiling now, smoke is rising and sparks are spewing in every direction. Hildie begins her chant:

  With a muddled mind and a twisted tongue

  Let a Warlock’s song remain unsung

  What spells he casts

  Help this witch cast out

  The words he says make others doubt

  May those who try to interfere

  Feel the Goddess’ wrath both far and near

  As Zombie and Witch, the two intertwined

  Send this hope and this hex to the heavens combined

  Flames engulf the contents of the cauldron and a blue light encompasses the room for a moment. All of a sudden a loud ‘boom’ sounds and gust of hot air sends Hildie and me crashing to the ground.

  When everything settles Hildie looks at me with a huge grin. “And that’s why they call me ‘Boom’ Hildie.

  18

  Chapter Eighteen

  What up Humans?

  It’s important to Julia Caesar that we al
l play fair.

  So, we’re going to use the Human code of conduct for this apocalypse.

  Manipulation, kidnapping, and mutilation are apparently acceptable.

  Be sure to thank your leaders! See you soon. Real soon.

  -from Titus Remington’s twisted Twitter feed

  Bibidee Bea

  Homeward Bound

  The Zombies are all going home today and I’m going with them. I know what you’re thinking and you’re wrong. This has nothing to do with Titus. Okay, part of it does but most of it doesn’t. They need me!

  “What are you wearing,” laughs Boom Hildie. That witch is so rude! She doesn’t get my fashion choices. How many times do I have to tell her? I have swag!

  “We’re going to be traveling. I need to be comfortable,” I explain. It’s an orange tracksuit covered in pink and red roses. The stripe down the side is teal blue.

  “Are the sunglasses so you don’t blind yourself?” She smirks at me and I’m tempted to send a couple of volts her way but she’d just return fire and I don’t want to ruin my outfit. Titus hasn’t even seen it yet.

  “Do they know you’re planning on crashing their homecoming,” she asks me. Of course I haven’t told them. Queen Z will just try to change my mind. I don’t want to hear her yapping at me. It brings me down and this witch wasn’t meant to be sad. I refuse to let a bossy Zombie with a bad attitude steal my happy.

  “They’ll find out when I get on the plane,” I tell her.

  “That’s a good plan,” she agrees. I knew she’d see it my way. What they don’t know won’t hurt me.

  I check my reflection in her mirror again and nod in approval.

  “Do you think the injured Zombies will be okay during the trip,” asks Hildie.

  Their skin is slowly returning but it will be a long recovery. At least a week. What? They’re Zombies! Stop judging them by Human standards.

  Boom Hildie and I were up late last night working on batches of numbing potions and rejuvenation masks (triple extra strength) for them. I have to admit. I’ve done some of my best work for these Zombies.