“I just want you to understand that and really consider it. I know you love my Henry. I know you love your country and are doing your best. But, I also want you to know that Max and I would be just as proud of you watching you start your family with the general public as we would be of you as the Presidential Couple.
“The choice is up to the both of you. Think of Henry. Think of yourself. And think of your future children. Do you really want this? If so, I couldn’t be more proud. If not, I couldn’t be more proud. I just want you both to be happy and wanted you to understand that our legacy is no responsibility of your own. Henry has grown up his entire life knowing there would be a Culling when he came of age. Knowing he would have an upper hand and could possibly run the country someday. I just want you to know it’s not the only way. We don’t expect you to make the same choices we did. And you don’t have to win the presidency to be able to make a difference in this world.
“And please, please, show this to Henry when you are done. I want him to see this too, but not with his future wife because I want her to be able to see it uninhibited. Henry, I love you son. I would give you the world if I could. I know you want to further your father’s legacy. It’s all you have talked about lately. Just know that he and I love you no matter what. I hope you’ve found a love like ours. Hold onto it and cherish it, son.
“Max. I love you. I will always love you and be looking down on you. Please don’t go lonely the rest of your life. Please find someone and not feel a bit guilty when you begin to feel happy again. I fought this cancer hard trying to stay with you and I just couldn’t quite beat it. The only thing I ask of you is to please, please, don’t be lonely. You owe it to me to find a way to be happy again.”
She stops to cough into her tissue and it makes me wonder how much longer she lived after this.
“I have to go now. I love you all, always. Just think about what I have said.” She smiles one last time, trying to keep all sorts of tears and emotions at bay, and the recording flickers off, the screen going blue.
The President, who is wiping his tears away says, “But how?”
Fredericks answers, “She left that and all the very specific instructions with it to a group of us three months before she passed, sir. We were not supposed to show it to any of you or speak a word of it until now. There are a few more for later dates as well.”
I feel like my chest is about to explode. This woman is a woman that I could never fill the shoes of, could never emulate. She is one in a million. She confidently said those things about the woman she knows Henry loves. What if she were here to see that woman also has another man she loves? She would be ashamed. I have broken her heart and she isn’t even here to feel it.
I have twelve hours or less to make a decision and this definitely didn’t help me any; I just feel worse. Helpless. Torn apart.
What in the world am I going to do now?
****
I tell Sarge to send word to Henry that I will come up to see him first thing early in the morning and that I’m just worn out and going to bed. The truth is, I need time. I need more time with the both of them. I have to make an impossible decision, and like on many of the tests I have taken for the Culling, there isn’t a right answer and there isn’t an easy answer. The answer I want to make and the answer I feel like I should be making are not the same.
This is gunna suck.
I pace my room and think it over. I try to sleep and soon give up. I get some hot tea and make a list of things I love about each of them. That just starts the tears, so I chuck it in the trash. Although anyone seldom prays anymore, I do that too. I try everything I can think of to figure out what I am going to do.
This isn’t just a simple decision. It’s a decision that will more than likely last the rest of my life as it is implied that I will marry this person, winning the Culling or not. This is a forever type of decision; I can’t take it back. So is what I think I am going to do the best thing? The best thing for me? Or the best thing for the country?
I wish more than anything that my mom was here to talk about this with. It is around two in the morning when I remember her words from when they came to Denver…“Listen to your heart, double check with your brain, and then go with your gut.”
Okay, mom.
Okay.
Chapter 27
I knock on Henry’s door the next morning after both coffee and tea. I didn’t sleep much and don’t normally drink coffee, but desperate times call for desperate measures. I tried to put on a bit of makeup since it’s before Frank and Gertie were set to arrive, but I know I probably still look exhausted.
“Hey, beautiful,” Henry says with a smile, looking striking in his dress shirt and tie. He doesn’t have his jacket on yet and I love this look on him.
“Hey,” I smile.
He kisses me gently and then pulls me into a huge hug. “I wish you would’ve let me see you last night,” he says and then kisses me on the cheek. He smiles his affectionate smile and his dimples are distracting. “So you met mom.”
“She is an amazing woman,” I say sincerely. “I don’t think amazing is even an accurate enough word.”
“I think she’s pretty great too,” he nods and kisses me quickly again, then rubs his hands up and down my arms like he’s trying to warm me. “Ready to go down for an early breakfast before your interrogations?” he asks. “I got up early to come to you, but you already beat me to it.”
“Not quite,” I respond nervously.
“Okay, what’s up? You forget something in your room? We can go get it,” he offers as he grabs his suit jacket off a nearby chair and then returns rubbing my arm up and down with the hand that doesn’t now hold his jacket.
Before I chicken out, I wrap my arms around him hard and don’t let go. I focus on breathing in and out as I think I might pass out.
“What’s wrong, beautiful?” he asks concerned as he wraps his arms around me. He tries to move me back a little to look at me, but I won’t let go.
“I can’t.” I haven’t even started and the tears have already arrived. “I can’t do this to you. Or with you. I’m so sorry. I do love you, Henry Maxwell. More than you know. You are the absolute best person I know. You deserve better than this. You deserve more than the presidency. I love you, not enough to drop out of this, but enough to save you from it. Enough to let you find someone you deserve. Enough to let you find someone worthy of those things your mom said in the video.”
He drops his jacket on the floor and jerks me back to look in my eyes as tears keep falling down my face. He brushes them away. “But I just want you, Reagan. I don’t care if it’s with the presidency or not. Do you get that?”
I nod my head. He closes his eyes and I see the emotion of pain cross his facial features.
“Answer me one thing then. One thing and I will try to accept this.” I see the tears spring into his green eyes as he fights down his own emotions. “Do you love Lyncoln? Are you picking him? Or are you just doing this to save me because you’re always trying to save people?”
“I do love him,” I say wholeheartedly. “I never thought it was possible, but I love you both, just in different ways. I don’t want to make this choice. Especially not today. But your mom is right, this job is messy. I want you to live your dreams. I want you to have a family and not have to worry about your children. I want you to have it all. And I love you…I just…”
“You don’t love me as much. Or enough,” he finishes for me.
My heart shatters as I realize he’s right. And it’s cruel to put it that way, but it’s the truth.
“I just wanted you!” he says frustrated. He embraces me again then shakes his head and says more quietly, “I just wanted you. I don’t know how to have it all without you. Please don’t do this, Reagan.”
“I am so sorry.” I sob huge, heavy sobs with my words. “So, so sorry.”
We stand there for a while, each of us battling our emotions. He wipes a hand at his nose and runs the
other one through his hair. “Did you make this decision before you saw the video?”
“Actually, yes. I was just second guessing myself and going through all sorts of ‘what ifs’ before I saw it. Seeing the video made me feel almost relieved as it confirmed what I was feeling about the presidency. I felt guilty too, like I was betraying your mother. If she knew that the woman you loved, loved two different men and couldn’t decide between them, she would have been so disappointed. It made me feel ashamed. I knew that was confirmation enough for me,” I respond, fighting back more tears. “Not that it made this any easier.”
“Actually, if she knew you, really knew you, she would have said more good things about you than what she said on that video. You are one in a million, Reagan Scott. If this is really what you want, it will hurt like hell, but I will figure it out. Please tell me this is really what you want,” he says softly and raises a hand to my cheek, looking for any last traces of hope.
“It is. I have to choose Lyncoln. I want to choose Lyncoln. I hope this isn’t goodbye though. I love you, Henry. I really do. I feel like I’m saying goodbye to a part of my soul.” I choke as more tears spill over.
I reach in to kiss him on the cheek. He turns to kiss me on the lips, kissing me like he is trying to convince me to stay. When I finally pull back, knowing that this is not making things any easier, I say, “I don’t want to say goodbye to you. I don’t want to leave you, but I have to go. I can’t keep doing this to the both of you. It’s gone on for far too long and I hate it. I am so sorry. So, so sorry. My head wanted it to be you. My heart just can’t.”
Before he can try to console me and make me feel even worse, I spin around and leave as quickly as my legs will carry me.
****
I cry in the hallway as Sarge and I race to the elevator. I cry in the elevator. I cry in the next hallway. Sarge grabs my hand and asks me if I am okay. I nod and then continue to cry as he breaks protocol and hugs me. My heart is completely and utterly broken, and yet I also feel so relieved that this back and forth between two guys thing is over. I then cry as I feel guilty about feeling relieved. So very many ugly tears.
Finally, we get to where we are going and I knock on the door. Sarge has to know by now what is going on but he lets me be.
A shirtless Lyncoln answers the door. “Babe,” he greets softly before he takes in my tears and then repeats worriedly, “Babe?”
“Can I please come in?” I ask through the sobs. I have to look a mess by now. Mascara everywhere, snot streaming out of my nose. One huge ball of emotion.
“Of course,” he says concerned. He looks to Sarge, who just shrugs.
He closes the door and wraps me in his arms, right there in the doorway. “Is everything okay?” he asks after a moment or two. His warm, bare skin on mine helps, but I still can’t stop the tears.
“No,” I say and mean it.
He seems to know why I’m here.
“Oh hell, Reagan. It’s okay,” he says and leans back to look me in the eyes. Those deep blue-brown eyes make me feel even worse. “I know what this is about. I’ll be okay. It’s okay, sweetheart.”
He brings me in closer and I can’t even find the words I need to say. He has it all wrong, but his bare chest is intoxicating and he just smells…like home.
“I will always love you though.” Hearing his words both breaks my heart and makes my heart flutter at the same time. “Always.”
“No.” I push him off as I walk farther into his room.
“It’s okay, Regs,” he says as he moves towards me and tries to grab me again. “It had to happen eventually.”
“No,” I say more firmly this time and step back.
“Hey.” He takes my hand and kisses my knuckles. “It’s okay.”
“Would you just shut up already?” I snap annoyed as I whip my hand away and try to breathe normally again. I hold up a hand to stop him from touching me. “If you say ‘it’s okay’ one more time, I swear to God I will kick you.”
This stops him and finally shuts him up as he looks to me confused and a bit amused at my empty threat.
I take a deep breath, gulp down my emotions, and get serious. “I never wanted this. I had never kissed a boy, much less dated one, before coming here. Now I love both of you,” I say emphatically as he nods his head in understanding. He tries to move closer to me, but I hold up a hand again to stop him and take another step backward. “My heart is in a million pieces right now and I don’t know how to fix it, but you have to help me try to put myself back together…please.”
“What?” he asks surprised. I see a glimmer of an emotion cross his face that I haven’t seen before. Hope maybe? Shock?
“I love you. And sometimes I hate you. But if I drown out everything…the Culling, the drifters, Hadenfelt…” I stop to gesture, “Everything. If I just listen to my heart…it’s you. It always has been.”
I don’t have time to take a breath and finish my speech before I feel his lips crashing into mine. He kisses me breathless like that first kiss in the trees and pulls away a long, long time later.
“Tell me this is real. Tell me this isn’t a dream right now,” he says, pressing his forehead into mine and taking a deep breath like he is trying to breathe me in.
“It’s real,” I whisper.
“I love you, Reagan. I know you love Henry, too,” he pauses as I see him get emotional, not teary-eyed--but emotion nonetheless. He closes his eyes for a brief moment to keep his composure and then he puts a hand on my face and brushes his thumb across my lips, “Other than having my dad back, you are the only thing I have ever wanted in this life. I don’t know how or why this happened. I don’t think I have ever been more surprised…or happy.”
More tears stream down my face, and this time they are the happy kind.
“Are you really mine?” he asks incredulously.
“I’m yours.” I nod.
He grins. “Even better.”
****
We decide to have breakfast in his room since I look like a mess and don’t feel like being around everyone else. While we are eating, there is a knock on the door.
Lyncoln goes to answer it and then comes back in and says, “It’s for you.”
“Ms. Scott.” Professor Dougall steps in the room and greets me. “A word? Today is your deadline.” She looks at me, taking in my disheveled appearance disapprovingly, looks to Lyncoln, and then back to me again as if she wants to talk to me in private.
“I’ve made my decision, Professor Dougall,” I say sadly and fight back more tears. How can my emotions switch from so happy to so sad within seconds? Will this always hurt this bad? Knowing I caused someone I care so much about such heartache? I had to crush Henry’s heart in order to follow my own. And I crushed not only his heart, but his presidency shot too.
“Okay?” Dougall asks uncomfortably and looks from me to Lyncoln and back again.
“Well don’t act so surprised,” Lyncoln says, squinting at her like he’s mad. “She chose me.” He gives her a rare real grin and winks at her.
She looks to me and I nod.
“I take it Henry knows?” she asks gently.
I nod and feel that pain in my gut again, “He does.” Lyncoln places his hand on my knee and gives it a squeeze of support.
“Oh. Okay then,” she says immediately more chipper than before, “Well, I need a minimum of three hours with you before the interviews tonight, and Lyncoln will need to be there for at least half of it, if not all of it. Also, when I stopped by your room, Frank and Gertie were a bit flustered and trying to find you.” She shrugs. “You may want to speak with them.”
“So what you are telling me is that there won’t be interrogations today?” I ask annoyed.
“Definitely not.” She purses her lips in a thin line to show her displeasure.
“Okay then,” I say feeling bummed. I was happy with the progress I was making yesterday with Samson. And I was looking for a break from all of this guilt that is gnawing a
t me.
“I will go inform the other board members of your decision. You have two hours,” she tells me. She gives Lyncoln a smile and leaves.
I stand up and brush my hands off. “I suppose I better go check in with Frank. This morning we were supposed to do the last fitting for my gown for tonight, but I left before they got there.”
I start for the door.
“Wait a minute. I have to go the whole morning without seeing you?” he asks like he is wounded.
“Don’t you usually?” I turn back around to roll my eyes at him.
He stands and moves so quickly I don’t know how it’s humanly possible. He grabs me by the hand and pulls me into his chest, which unfortunately now has a shirt on it. “Well yeah, but that was before.”
He kisses me in such a way that I know I made the right decision.
Henry is the perfect guy. I always felt like I was trying to be the best version of myself to keep up with him. Lyncoln is far from perfect, but he sees me as is, in all my flaws and strengths, and meets me there in the muck of it all. I can just be me with Lyncoln. I realized a while ago that I am more myself around Lyncoln than I ever was around Henry. Henry somehow mostly saw the good me because that is who I was trying to be around him. Whereas Lyncoln just sees me, good or bad or messy or mad. Just me.
The reason I was so afraid of giving in to my feelings for Lyncoln was that I knew the power he had over me and it terrified me. I love his passion. I love his darkness. I love his mystery. I love everything about him from the way he walks to the way he talks. I tried to distance myself from him because I was afraid of my feelings, afraid of how much I cared for him and how out of control it made me feel. But, I pull him out of his darkness and he pulls my strengths out of me. We are a perfect team. We might not be perfect people, but we are perfect together.
The Culling: Book 1 (The Culling Series) Page 50
