You Make Me Weak

by E. L. Todd

  Theo was in the middle of a swing and he let the driver slip from his fingers. It flew a few feet away. “What?”

  I wasn’t sure why I told him that. “We spent the evening together for work and…things just happened.”

  “What kind of things?” he asked.

  “We just talked. Every time I learn more about her, I like her more. And her beauty is distracting. It causes me to think things I shouldn’t.”

  “Dude—I mean—Thomas, go for it.”

  “It’s too complicated. It probably wouldn’t work out, just like every other relationship, and it would be tense every day after we ended things. And I can’t fire her even if I wanted to. I can’t fire anyone. It’s impossible. I’m too nice.”

  “She’s worth the risk.”

  “You don’t even know her. You met her for, like, five minutes.”

  “I can just tell. Trust me on this.”

  “I’ll never trust a damn thing that comes out of your mouth,” I blurted. I said it harshly, and when I didn’t feel bad, it made me feel guilty. Maybe I would never stop resenting him for what he did to me. Maybe it was impossible. Maybe this was all a waste of time.

  Theo didn’t retaliate, again. “I know this is going to take a while. If snapping at me makes you feel better, then keep doing it. I understand.”

  I walked to my ball and ignored him. Then I sunk it in the hole. I was winning by a landslide but I didn’t care anymore.

  “Think of it this way,” Theo said. “Rome is a pretty girl. You think you’re the only one who’s noticed that?”

  “Obviously not.”

  “Then someone else is going to scoop her up and you’ll miss your chance. Wouldn’t you rather make a terrible mistake and watch it crash and burn instead of watching her walk out of your life and into someone else’s arms?”

  I’d never felt jealous before. It was a foreign sensation to me. I’d never been attached to a girl enough to care what she did when I wasn’t around. If another man showed interest in her, it didn’t make a difference to me. When I said goodbye after our trip to paradise, I never felt pain at our parting, even though I saw it on their faces more often than not.

  Theo watched me. “I have a point, don’t I?”

  “Keep in mind your opinion means nothing to me.”

  “Well, I have your best interest at heart. So hopefully it does mean something someday.”

  “My best interest?” I asked incredulously.

  “Yeah, I want you to be happy. I think Rome can do that for you. You obviously still struggle with…everything that happened to you. I know you have an incredible job, a beautiful apartment, and more money than you’ll ever need, which you accomplished all on your own, but…sometimes a female touch is necessary. When you’re in love, the pain subsides.”

  I watched him for a moment, processing his words. “You’re in love with Alex?”

  He released a faint laugh. “What gave me away?”

  “Does she know?”

  “I haven’t told her yet. But I think she knows.”

  “It’s pretty obvious,” I said.

  “Yeah…she changed my life. I hopped from girl to girl, not really caring about any of them. I never had a connection with anyone, a friend that was also a lover. And then…Alex came into my life. She annoyed me in the beginning, but then, I fell…and fell damn hard.”

  I hit my ball and kept my thoughts to myself.

  “So…are you still going to keep your relationship professional?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Well, it’s going to get physical between you anyway. Just be prepared for it.”

  “I have self-control,” I barked.

  Theo laughed. “We’ll see…”

  Chapter Two

  Arsen

  Getting my GED improved my confidence. I never thought I would be able to do so well on an exam. Now I knew if I just focused and put in the time and effort, I would succeed.

  That never happened before.

  Ryan was proud of me. I could see it every time he looked at me. I knew he cared about me, but something in our relationship had changed. I didn’t feel like his daughter’s boyfriend—or ex-boyfriend. I felt like a member of the family.

  I’d seen him look at Slade a few times, and his eyes had a distinct feature to them. He behaved a certain way around him, different than with people he met on the street. And he treated me the same way. Janice did too. Instead of feeling like a nuisance in their lives, I felt like a son.

  Like a son.

  Sometimes it made me so happy that it actually hurt. I’d never realized how much it bothered me that my parents both abandoned me. I was beginning to understand how much it messed me up. It ruined my relationship with Silke, and it made me doubt my worth.

  But just because they didn’t want me didn’t mean someone else wouldn’t.

  Ryan cared about me. So did Janice. And of course, Silke did too.

  I wish I hadn’t pushed Silke away so many times. I wish I had accepted her love without question. I shouldn’t have taken it for granted. I should have treated her better. Every time I pushed her away, I should have held on tighter.

  I threw away the best thing that ever happened to me.

  Sometimes the reality would grip my throat and stop me from breathing.

  Sometimes the pain was unbearable.

  But then I focused on my goal. I was making these changes so I could be a better man. I was doing this so I could be with Silke again. I would get her back. I knew she still loved me, even after all this time. If I just proved myself, she would be mine again.

  And I focused on that.

  Whenever I was in her room, I sat on her bed and stared out her small window. I could see the street and people pass by. I wondered how many times she’d done the same thing.

  It made me feel like we were together, just in different periods of times. On a beautiful summer day, she sat up and looked out the window. She watched birds hopping on branches and listened to their cries. Now I was doing the same, only she wasn’t there to enjoy it with me. One day, I would bring her back here. And one day, we would sit together and look out the window—but at the same point in time.

  When Ryan came home from work, I was reading on the couch. “What’s up, kid?”

  “Nothing.” I put the book down.

  “I want to take you down to the shop with me.”

  “Why?” I asked.

  “I want to show you how to run a business.”

  I had no idea why. But I didn’t question it. “Isn’t Slade there?”

  “No, he leaves as soon as three o’ clock comes around.” He rolled his eyes. “He has to be with Trinity as soon as possible otherwise he goes crazy.”

  I was going crazy without Silke. I wished I could be with her every day at three.

  “So, no one will see me?”

  “No. And Silke won’t stop by. She knows I leave by four.”

  “Okay.”

  He nodded toward the door. “Let’s go. We’ll be back by the time Janice has dinner on the table.”

  ***

  His shop was really cool. It looked rundown and old, but it had so much life to it. People waited in the lobby while artists worked on their pieces. It was like a salon, but for tattoos. Band posters were on the wall, and it had a laid back feel to it.

  But I didn’t have much time to enjoy it because Ryan put me to work immediately. He showed me how to use the register and how to make change. It was elementary work, but I wouldn’t have known any of it if he hadn’t shown me. So I was grateful he taught me things other people wouldn’t have trusted an ex-con with.

  Then he showed me how to do the bookkeeping, keep the payroll going, and how to use a fan machine. All of this was foreign to me, and even though he showed me everything slowly, I still missed most of it.

  Ryan could tell. “It’s okay. I’ll show you several times. It’s a lot to remember. I think it took Slade two weeks before he was able to do everythin
g on his own. But he’s an idiot so you’ll be much quicker.”

  “Didn’t Slade graduate from Harvard?” I asked.

  “You think that means anything?” he asked with a laugh.

  “Actually, yeah.”

  “My son went there for the parties and the girls, nothing else. It was a miracle he received a degree at all.”

  “Then why did he go?”

  He sighed. “I told him if he graduated college, he could take over the shop. Well, actually a second shop. He said he wanted to ink since he was little, but I wanted him to consider other options. I feared he just idolized me, but didn’t really want to run a tattoo shop for a living. But…I was wrong. I hoped attending college would open his eyes to new opportunities, but he never changed his mind.” He shrugged. “At least now I know this is what my son really wants. And I support him.”

  “Slade is very lucky.”

  “Yeah, it took that brat a long time to realize that. Only when I made him actually work for pennies did he start to understand how cold and difficult the real world is.”

  “Yeah, it’s not fun,” I said quietly.

  “But he appreciates it now.” He grabbed my shoulder and squeezed it. “And I know you appreciate it too.”

  “I do…very much.”

  He closed the binder and returned it to the shelf.

  “Ryan?”

  “Kid?” He sat back down.

  I noticed he called his own kids by that nickname. It meant a lot to me that I was given the same nickname. “Why are you teaching me this?” Did he want me to work at the shop?

  “I want you to learn how to run a business.”

  “But…why?” I tried not to sound disrespectful.

  “Because you’ll be running your own someday.”

  “I’m not following.”

  “Well, with your record and probation, it’ll be nearly impossible for you to get a job, especially a decent one. Your only options are to work for me, which won’t work because Silke comes in here sometimes, or you can work for Sean—”

  “No.”

  He eyed me. “No?”

  “He already stuck his neck out for me. He doesn’t need to do anything else.”

  “Well, I already talked to him and he agreed to give you a job…”

  “I don’t want his money,” I said immediately. “He’s done enough for me.”

  “It’s nothing fancy—”

  “No.”

  “Okay…” He rubbed his knuckles. “Which leaves you with owning a business.”

  “Owning a business?” I asked incredulously. “Doesn’t that require money?”

  “It does.”

  “Well, I don’t have any so that’s out.” Actually, I did. It was a small fortune buried in a field. I left it there for emergencies, but I couldn’t leave New York to retrieve it because of my parole. And I didn’t want it anyway. I earned it doing something illegal. If I were going to give that money to somebody, it would be my daughter. But I wasn’t ready to see her just yet.

  “I do,” Ryan said. “I know you’re good with motorcycles. So, you’re going to open a motorcycle store. You’ll sell new models and also repair them.”

  I stared at him incredulously. “I’m not a certified mechanic.”

  “You’ll be one eventually.”

  “And…I’m not taking your money.” It was generous of him but I couldn’t do it. He’d done enough for me as it was.

  “You’re going to take it,” he said firmly. “And you’re going to pay me back.”

  “But…I might run the place into the ground and lose everything.”

  “You won’t. I know you won’t.”

  “You don’t know that…”

  “Arsen, I do.” He gave me a serious look. “You think I’d give you a bunch of money if I didn’t know I would get it back?”

  “Actually, yes.”

  He smirked. “It’s not going to happen. Don’t worry about it. Janice and I have a considerable income together. I have a lot stashed away. Even if I lost it, it wouldn’t affect my family.”

  I couldn’t even imagine what that would be like. To have so much money that you didn’t even stress about it. I wish I could be like that, to give my daughter a life like that…to give Silke a life like that. “Even then, I don’t know anything about running a business.”

  He spun in his chair and pointed around the room. “What do you think we’re doing here?”

  “But…I’m not—”

  “You didn’t think you could pass your GED. And you did. You’ll do this too.”

  “Running a business is a lot more difficult than taking a high school exam.”

  He laughed. “It’s not, actually. If Slade can do it, you can do it. Trust me on this.”

  I wasn’t sure if I trusted myself.

  “I found this mechanic school in New York City. They specialize in motorcycles. I think you should go there. The program is intense and they get you out quickly.”

  “But, doesn’t that cost money?” I hated taking anything from him.

  “You’ll pay me back, Arsen. Just do it.”

  I took a deep breath and ran my fingers through my hair. “You’re doing too much for me.”

  “Knock it off, Arsen. I’m not doing too much for you.”

  “Let me clean the shop and organize your stuff—something.”

  “No,” he said. “You need to focus on school. The term starts next week.”

  I couldn’t wrap my mind around this. “I doubt they’ll even accept me.”

  “One call from Sean Preston and they will.”

  I had no idea what I would do if Ryan weren’t acting as my crutch. I’d probably be rotting in a ditch somewhere, dying in the trenches I was born in. He was giving me the chance to end up in a palace. “I don’t know what to say…”

  “Don’t say anything at all.” He stood up and patted me on the back. “Now let’s get home. Janice probably has dinner ready.”

  My stomach rumbled so I didn’t argue.

  ***

  Mechanic school wasn’t easy. It was hard work for eight hours a day, six days a week. I knew this program was expensive because of how unusual it was. I’d never heard of schooling like this. And the fact there were only ten guys in the class made me realize how hard Ryan had to work to get me a slot.

  I thought I knew a lot about cars, but after the first week, I realized I actually didn’t know much. They taught me everything I needed to know for newer and older models, and at the end of the day, I walked out of there full of knowledge but also covered in filth.

  When I went to school in the morning, Janice had a lunch packed for me. It was in a blue lunch pail, and there was water, a sandwich, chips, and a few other snacks. The first time she gave it to me, I stared at it and didn’t know how to respond.

  When I went to school as a kid, I was on the free lunch program. My mom couldn’t afford to pack me a lunch, and she couldn’t afford to buy the cafeteria food. I envied the kids with their lunch pails and their snacks. Their moms and dads packed them every day, making sure they had enough to eat. The fact they took time out of their day to make their kids happy always made me sad.

  So when I took the lunch from Janice, I almost cried.

  I stared at it in my hands and didn’t know what to say.

  Ryan watched me, and seemed to know what I was thinking.

  “I…um…thank you.” I blinked my eyes quickly and hid my emotion. I cleared my throat. “Thank you. No one has ever packed a lunch for me before…”

  Janice watched me, and her eyes watered then quickly dripped with tears. “Oh, honey.” She came and hugged me, patting my back and making me feel warm.

  Ryan came behind me then rested his hand on my shoulder. “Janice stopped making me lunches a year after we were married.”

  “Because you wouldn’t eat them,” she hissed. “You ate out every day.”

  He laughed. “There’s a pizza place right next to the shop. What did you think
was going to happen?”

  Their banter made me laugh, and my chest relaxed. “Well, I promise I’ll eat and enjoy it, Janice. Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome, honey.” She kissed my cheek then stepped away.

  I put my lunch in my backpack then headed to the door. “Well, I’m off to school.”

  “Have fun.” Ryan waved as he sipped his coffee.

  I smiled then stepped out.

  When I came home from school, I was usually exhausted. Since the program was hands-on, I didn’t really have any homework to do. If I did, my head might explode.

  When I lay in Silke’s room, I thought about everything Ryan told me about his past. It seemed like his mother never loved him. Actually, she hated him. At least my mom never tried to kill me. But her indifference was worse in a lot of ways.

  His past made me wonder about my own life. Would I be here if Ryan hadn’t been helped by someone? Would I have a place to sleep? Food to eat? People to call family?

  If I helped someone, would it change their life the same way mine was changed? Could I pay it forward? Could I help someone before they made all the mistakes I made?

  Could I make a difference?

  ***

  I went to the Boys and Girls Club in the Bronx and made an appointment to spend time with a random student. His name was Brock, and he was a foster kid. His dad was in jail for murder, and his mom took off a long time ago. Apparently, he had behavioral issues and struggled in school.

  When we met, he was distant and quiet. He didn’t want to talk to me or even acknowledge my existence. We were in the basketball gym at the Boys and Girls Club. He chose to sit on the bench while I dribbled the ball around.

  “One-on-one?” I asked.

  He ignored me.

  “Do you know how to play?”

  “Of course I know how to play,” he snapped. “Fucking asshole.”

  I shoved the ball at him hard, forcing him to catch it. “Then prove it.”

  He glared at me then stood up. “Whatever…”

  It frightened me how much he reminded me of myself at that age.

  He took a shot and missed it. Then he tried to dribble the ball and was absolutely terrible at it.

  I didn’t laugh or make fun of him. “Let me show you.”

  He glared at me then tossed the ball.