by M J Hardy
The door slams and we look up as Harry and Tom enter the room. Harry beams, “Have you had fun, girls?”
There’s an awkward silence and Karen says in a hard voice, “You could call it that.”
Tom looks at her in surprise as she jumps up. “I think we should go. Tom could you call Jack, it’s getting late and we should leave Tina and Harry to get some sleep?”
Turning to me, she says urgently. “Think about what I said. We’ll talk about this tomorrow.”
Isabel has grown quiet and I feel a little bad. It’s obvious that Karen’s angry with her and I don’t know why. I mean, this is such an amazing offer and if anything, she should be thanking Isabel. However, Karen doesn’t like her, it’s obvious to me and I wonder if it’s because of Tom. I didn’t miss the way that Isabel’s eyes went straight to him as they walked through the door. She devoured him with her eyes and I wonder if Karen noticed.
Tom only had eyes for his wife though which is unusual in itself. A few months ago, Tom would have ignored Karen in a room full of strangers. Now she is his first thought, and it gives me hope for Harry and I.
I know Harry used to look at me like that once and I’m pretty sure, with Isabel’s help, he will again because I already know my answer. I will jump at the chance for this baby and I just need to convince Harry to stand with me every step of the way because this is suddenly the most important thing in my life and Isabel is the one who can make it happen. If Karen doesn’t like it, she will have to deal with it because my minds made up already. I will take her offer with both hands and nothing will get in my way.
As soon as Karen and Tom leave, Harry looks at me sharply. “Is everything ok?”
Isabel looks a little uncomfortable and I nod, patting the seat beside me. “More than ok, darling. I think you should sit down and listen to what Isabel has suggested.”
He looks a little confused and Isabel smiles at me reassuringly. “I meant what I said, Tina. Tell Harry and see what he thinks.”
He says firmly, “Will somebody please tell me what’s going on because its obvious something is.”
Taking a deep breath, I say happily, “Isabel has made us the most fantastic offer, darling. She knows we are having difficulties having another child and has been researching ways we can.”
He looks at her in disbelief. “What ways?”
She smiles softly. “This may seem a little strange, Harry but I have offered to be a surrogate for your new baby.”
He shakes his head. “What are you talking about?”
Smiling at Isabel, I take his hand and say with excitement, “Isabel has offered to have a baby for us. Isn’t that amazing?”
“What?”
Harry’s voice is loud and laced with shock and disbelief. I feel a little bad about hitting him with this so forcefully but I need to start this process before Isabel has second thoughts. I know it’s selfish but my need is overwhelming my conscience at the moment.
Isabel looks a little uncomfortable. “Maybe I should go and leave you both to discuss this in private. It’s a lot to think about. Can I use your phone to call a cab, I appear to be out of charge on mine?”
Harry appears to be in shock and I feel bad and turn to him and smile. “Listen, honey. I know this is a shock. Maybe you should drop Isabel home and she can fill you in on the way. Obviously, we won’t go ahead if you’re against it but please hear her out at least.”
Isabel looks worried. “It’s ok, I can get a cab. I’m sure Harry needs to get his breath back after we knocked it out of him.”
He shakes his head slowly and as if on autopilot says, “No, Tina’s right, I’ll drop you home. I haven’t had a drink tonight, so you’ll be perfectly safe.”
Then he says in a firmer voice. “Listen, whatever you’ve been discussing, you need to stop and think. I’m not sure how these things work but I’m guessing things aren’t as straight forward as you believe.”
He turns to me and says firmly. “I’m meaning you the most in this, babe. I know you’ll do anything for a baby but I’m not sure this is the best option. Don’t go running away with this idea now that it’s planted in your mind. This is serious and I’m not going to let you drag us into something that will destroy us.”
Feeling a little angry, I stare at him with a hard look. “I hear you but you need to think about this with a clear head. Talk it through with Isabel and think about it carefully. All I ask is that you do think about it and not just reject it out of hand. This could be an amazing future for us, honey if you just look at it objectively.”
Shaking his head, Harry jumps up and says curtly, “Are you ready?”
As Isabel makes to follow him, I pull her back and hug her tightly, whispering, “Thank you.”
Just for a moment, she hugs me back, and it feels so good knowing she’s with me on this. I can’t explain it but I know this is going to happen. I know that Isabel was sent to us for this reason and despite the circumstances that brought her here, this was the reason they did.
As she pulls away, she looks at me with determination and whispers, “Everything will be ok, I promise you that.”
As I watch her follow Harry, something tells me it will be. Don’t ask me how I know, maybe it’s a sixth sense but tonight my path in life shifted and suddenly, the future looks a lot brighter.
16
“No, and that’s my final word on the matter!”
I can’t believe what I’m hearing. Harry is standing there with his arms crossed and I know that look. He is determined and this will be a difficult few days if not weeks until I can convince him to come around to my way of thinking.
I try a different tack. Staring at him with defeat, I say in a small voice, “Ok.”
As I turn away, he reaches out and places his hand on my shoulder and spins me around to face him. “Is that it, ok?”
I shrug miserably. “What do you want me to say? I mean, I’ve made it pretty clear how much I want this over the last few days. Surely you can tell how much this means to me and yes, I know I’m asking too much of you and Isabel. Maybe you’re right and this is all pie in the sky but I suppose I’m a believer in fate and miracles, so it will take me a while to come to terms with your decision.”
Harry pulls me to him and says softly, “You know it’s for the best, don’t you?”
I say nothing and just squeeze my eyes tightly shut. I can’t give up now when I’m so close and if I know Harry he’ll soon come around to my way of thinking.
As I start the usual cleaning routine, I try to push away the anxiety. What if Harry doesn’t agree – ever? I’m not sure I could deal with this after having been so close. Isabel has been amazing through it all and explained to Harry what it involves. When he dropped her home, he didn’t come home for several hours. When he did, he explained they had talked long into the night and she told him what was involved. Then he drove around to think it through but needed more time to do his own research. Over the next few days, he looked into it and Isabel came over and we discussed it further. However, today he gave me his final decision, and it wasn’t the one I wanted to hear.
My thoughts are interrupted by a gentle tug on my jumper. “Mum, can I go and pay at Jack’s?”
“What? Oh, yes, that’s nice, whatever...”
As Jamie races towards the door, I say sharply, “Wait.”
He looks around in surprise and I grab my bag. “I’ll come with you. I could do with talking to Karen.”
I feel a little bad because, after that evening, I’ve been a little cold with her. I didn’t like her reaction to Isabel’s kind offer and when she came around the next day, she was quite vocal in her disapproval. Subsequently, I was quite short with her and I feel bad. After all, she was just looking out for me and I should be more understanding and appreciative.
She answers the door and looks at me warily as I smile nervously. Jamie races past me and up the stairs to Jack’s room and Karen smiles weakly. “I’m sorry, Tina.”
The re
lief is enormous. “No, I’m sorry Karen. I should never have got angry with you. You were just looking out for me and I apologise.”
She opens her arms and I walk into them gladly, sniffing, “I’ve missed you.”
Pulling back, she rolls her eyes. “We’re a right couple of idiots, aren’t we? Come in and I’ll put the kettle on.”
As I follow her into the kitchen, everything falls back into place. The friendship we always took for granted faced a challenge we both weren’t prepared for and I vow that whatever happens with Isabel, I will never shut Karen out again.
Turning to me, she says thoughtfully, “I’ve been thinking about your situation – you know, with Isabel.”
I feel a little apprehensive as she shakes her head. “I suppose I was so wrapped up in what happened with her and the whole Tom situation, I disregarded what she said. I mean, it was a generous offer and I don’t blame you for reaching for it gratefully. I would do the same in your shoes but I was worried.”
I nod in agreement. “I understand, I’d probably feel the same if it was you. I don’t know though, there’s something about Isabel that makes me think it will be ok. I know you had an issue with her regarding Tom but that proved wrong in the end, or so we think, anyway. Even if he did have a thing with her in the past, it’s obvious it was meaningless, to him at least. He doesn’t look at her in any way other than as an acquaintance and you have absolutely nothing to worry about.”
Karen nods. “The trouble is, there’s this part of me that doesn’t trust her. She had Tom’s watch for god’s sake. How did she have it unless he left it there? It’s too much of a coincidence and to be honest, it’s driving me mad. I can’t bring it up again because he can’t deal with any reminders of what happened. What would you do in my situation?”
I shrug. “The same as you, I suppose. What if it was Tom and they came clean? Would it change what you have together now? I mean, would you give up your new found happiness to punish him for straying before? It’s obvious he’s changed and a million times for the better. Sometimes I think we should just let things go and move on.”
Karen nods and pushes a mug of tea across the counter before taking the seat beside me.
“So, tell me about her offer. What’s the latest?”
Sighing, I stare into the mug as if the answer lurks there. “Harry said no.”
She shakes her head and says sadly “I thought he might.”
“Why?”
“Because men find these things hard to deal with. He is probably worried about all the things you haven’t even considered yet?”
“Such as?”
She sighs. “Such as the emotional attachment. For example, Isabel may well be doing this to help you out but what if she bonds with her baby and then won’t let it go? Harry would be a father to another woman’s child and it would be a mess.”
I stare at her with a hard look. “She wouldn’t be able to, we would sign a contract.”
“I’m not so sure, Tina. The law may be one thing but asking a woman to give up her child to another is a law of nature that no jury would rule against.”
I feel angry and a little alarmed at her words. “She wouldn’t.”
Karen shrugs. “She might. Also, what about Jamie? He may find this hard to understand. It’s a little weird for him, his teacher having his baby brother or sister. How do you think he will react?”
I don’t really know how to answer her which reminds me how little I’ve thought of him in all of this. “He will love to have a sibling. I’m sure that once he’s got over the shock, he’ll love the idea.”
Karen shakes her head. “Maybe if he was younger, but Jamie is 6 going on 7. It will just be annoying for him. He won’t be able to play with the baby; they won’t grow up together and he may resent him or her.”
Her voice softens, and she reaches for my hand.
“Listen, I know how much this means to you but maybe Harry’s right. There’s a lot to think about and although it was a kind offer, I don’t think you know enough about Isabel to fully trust her with your life like this. Give it time and if after a few months you’re still convinced it’s a good thing, then maybe look into it again.”
I smile sadly and nod, although I know there’s a huge part of me that just won’t give this up. I don’t know what it is, maybe a force of nature, a mother’s instincts, I don’t know but I can’t get this out of my head. I have a chance of bringing another life into this world, albeit through a very different way. Surely that’s a small sacrifice in making my family complete.
17
Over the next few weeks, I do everything possible to bring some normality back into my life. I know I’m withdrawn and cold towards Harry but I can’t shift the huge ball of resentment I’m feeling towards him because he won’t agree to what I know is in our best interests.
Subsequently, he goes out more and so do I – apart. He heads out to the pub or to the gym and I have started going to the classes at the gym regularly with Isabel. Sometimes Karen comes too but I can tell she feels uncomfortable around Isabel. Isabel is always friendly no matter what, and I feel irritated by Karen. I mean, it looks as if Tom did stray with Isabel and if anyone has any right to feel angry about it, it’s her. However, she is always sweet and kind and only treats Karen with genuine friendliness and respect.
Despite what I always thought, I find myself drifting away from Karen a little, which only pushes me closer to Isabel as a result.
So, I’m pleased when Harry tells me he wants to go on a camping trip with Jamie at the weekend which will free me up to organise something nice with Isabel. He looks surprised when I say happily, “That sounds an amazing idea. Jamie will love it.”
He looks a little concerned. “Are you sure? I mean, I don’t like leaving you on your own for two days.”
“It’s fine, I’ll call the girls and see if they fancy catching a movie or a pizza. It will be nice to have some ‘me’ time.”
Looking a little concerned, he says softly, “Are you sure it’s a good idea to invite Isabel? Maybe you should spend it with Karen. I’ve noticed you don’t seem as close as you used to be.”
I push away the spark of irritation that flares inside and say angrily, “You mean you don’t like the idea of me spending cosy evenings with Isabel because you’re afraid she’ll bring up the pregnancy again.”
Sighing, he runs his fingers through his hair and looks worried.
“Maybe I am, it’s just I thought things were getting back to normal and I don’t want anything to stir it all up again. You’re doing so well and I don’t want this to set you back.”
I put my hands on my hips and stare at him with a hard expression. “Things haven’t been normal around here for months, Harry. If you think this life we’re living is, then you’re very much mistaken.”
He looks surprised. “What are you talking about?”
“The fact you walk on eggshells around me half the time. The fact you walk out of a room when an advert for babies or children comes on. Because you still can’t bear to touch me and we’re living more like flatmates than partners. The fact you spend most evenings out with your friends rather than home with your family and because I feel as if I have lost my best friend as well as my partner and need all the kindness I can get at the moment.”
He makes towards me as Jamie flies into the room. “Dad, I’ve reached level 15. Can I show you?”
Harry says distractedly, “Of course, I’ll be right there.”
Grabbing a packet of crisps from the cupboard, Jamie races back upstairs before I even have time to yell at him for spoiling his tea and Harry says sadly, “I think we need to talk, don’t you?”
I’m not sure why but something in his voice rings the alarm bells and causes my heart to beat frantically inside me. There’s a look in his eyes I’ve never seen before and it makes me stop and think for a moment. “Dad, hurry up.”
I nod towards the stairs. “Go and see to Jamie first. Maybe you’re right, may
be we do need to talk but not now. Let’s think about it over the weekend and talk when you get back because I don’t want anything to spoil your time with Jamie. I’ll be fine and maybe a break of sorts is just what we need. You go, I’ll be fine with my friends.”
“Daaaad!!!”
Harry smiles ruefully as he shouts, “Coming!”
As he heads upstairs, I lean on the counter for support. What just happened? I saw it in his eyes. Harry is struggling in his own way, just as much and I’m such a bitch I haven’t thought past my own needs how this is affecting him. Maybe I should consider him a little more and make it up to him when he gets back.
The weekend arrives and as I wave off my family, I feel strangely excited for the next couple of days. It’s been so tense in the house, I’m quite glad to see the car disappearing around the corner and as I close the door, I relish the silence of an empty house. Perfect.
For the next few hours, I clean everything, confident that it will remain tidy for the next two days. Once I’ve finished, I look around me with satisfaction. A tidy home always helps things appear easier, and I feel invigorated and ready to take on the world.
I’ve arranged to go out with Isabel tonight. We’re going to watch the latest chick flick that nobody would go with me to see. Karen and Tom are away visiting her family which actually made me feel more relieved than it should. At least I wouldn’t be feeling awkward around the two of them. They try to get along but there’s always an atmosphere between them that’s hard to ignore.
I suppose because I have lots of it, I take a long time getting ready. I take care with my appearance and decide to wear a smart dress that hasn’t had an occasion to go to for quite a while.
Isabel said she would drive, so I have time to relax before she arrives and put my feet up with a chilled glass of white wine while I wait.
Bang on 6.30 she rings the doorbell and as I open the door, I smile with appreciation. “You look amazing, Isabel. I love that colour on you.”
