by M J Hardy
I’m not lying as she stands there blushing, looking pretty in pink. Her hair is brushed and gleaming and her makeup done to accentuate her pretty face. She is also wearing a nice dress that clings to her curves in all the right places and I wonder how on earth she hasn’t been snapped up already by a very lucky guy?
She smiles shyly. “You look beautiful, Tina. Maybe we should head straight out, I think the traffic’s bad and if we want to eat first, we need to get going.”
Once I’ve locked the house, I follow her to the car, and we set off for a fun filled relaxed evening. This is something I need more than food at the moment because tonight I need to unwind as a matter of urgency.
Over dinner, we talk about things that any friend would. Gossip about people we know, hair, makeup, books, films, you name it, we speak about it and discover we share most of the same interests.
I make sure to pay and Isabel shakes her head. “No, let me, you can’t pay for me, it’s not right.”
I say fairly sternly, “Nonsense. It’s the least I can do after what you offered to do for me.”
She looks a little surprised. “Oh, have you thought any more about that – the offer, I mean.”
Maybe it’s the wine I drank giving me false hope but I smile brightly and nod. “I think Harry’s coming around to the idea. He’s not there yet but we’re going to have another chat when he gets back from the trip. I know I’m going to do my utmost to persuade him and may even roll out the naughty underwear. That usually makes him agree to anything.”
Isabel blushes and I laugh. “What, haven’t you ever used sex to get what you want?”
She looks horrified and then giggles adorably. “Unlike you, I’ve never had to. Unfortunately, my relationships have been short and sweet and I’ve never needed to persuade my boyfriends to do anything.”
She looks so despondent I feel bad for her and say gently, “You know, one day you’ll meet the man of your dreams.”
She nods and says quietly, “The trouble is, I thought I already had. You see, it’s the not knowing that I can’t deal with. The police never found Eddie’s body and everything about the situation is mysterious. He lived alone in what almost appeared temporary accommodation. He never introduced me to his family or friends and never shared any details of his life with me. I’ve come to the conclusion that I was just a dirty little secret he wanted to keep to himself.”
I watch as a hard look flashes in her eyes and she says bitterly, “The trouble with secrets is they have a habit of getting out. One day this will come out and I’ll be able to move on. Until then I’m in limbo and don’t feel as if I can move on until it’s resolved.”
She looks up and her face relaxes. “Anyway, you don’t want to hear my sob story. The whole purpose of this weekend is to cheer you up, so come on, girlfriend, let’s go and indulge in some eye candy of the sweetest kind and pretend there’s a Prince Charming out there for us all.”
She takes my hand and pulls me from the restaurant and it feels nice. Two friends together with no cares or worries, for tonight anyway.
Looking back, I should have frozen time then because that’s where it all began to go downhill. After that night, my life was set to self-destruct and there was nothing I could do about it.
18
It’s been ages since I enjoyed a film as much. Maybe it’s because it’s not the usual boy’s film I end up accompanying Jamie to, or Harry for that matter. He usually likes films on war or total devastation. Or it could be the company? Isabel and I share a tub of popcorn and it feels good. We laugh at the same lines in the movie and giggle as our fingers collide as we dive in for the same piece of popcorn. I feel relaxed around her. She’s proving to be one big surprise in my life and I can’t remember a time without her in it. Life is uncomplicated around her. She makes everything seem better and has an easy personality that draws me out of myself.
Once the film finishes, we head outside and not wanting the evening to end, I say brightly, “Shall we grab a drink somewhere?”
She shakes her head and says regretfully, “I’m a little tired. Maybe because the lights were so dim in the cinema, it’s made me feel quite sleepy, actually.”
Rolling my eyes, I laugh. “You’re a lightweight. How old are you?”
She grins. “24.”
I look at her in surprise. “Goodness, a whole 10 years younger than me. I feel so old.”
She smiles sweetly. “You don’t look ten years older than me. I hope I look as amazing as you when I’m your age.”
“I’m sure you’ll look a lot better than me. Anyway, do you fancy a coffee at mine to wake you up?”
“Thanks, that sounds amazing.”
As we head back, I think about Isabel. 24 is an age where you have the world at your feet. She’s good looking, funny, clever and a nice person. The trouble is, she’s been unlucky it seems and hasn’t been able to find that relationship yet that she deserves.
As soon as we get inside, I kick off my shoes and smile. “Come in and make yourself at home. I’ll put the kettle on.”
She flops down on the sofa and groans. “This feels so nice; I can’t believe how much I ache.”
Laughing, I head over and say sternly, “Here, lean forward and I’ll give you a neck massage. I’m quite good at them, apparently.”
She shifts around and I sit beside her and start massaging her shoulders. She groans and says gratefully, “You’re right you’re good at this. That feels amazing.”
I say sternly, “Shh, silence please, so you get the full effect.”
As I work away, the silence surrounds us with only the sound of the passing cars outside to spoil the moment. As I work on Isabel’s shoulders, I find myself relaxing too. Her skin feels so soft and I can smell that amazing scent she uses.
I start to feel a little warm and wonder if I’ve had too much to drink because it strikes me how much I’m enjoying feeling her skin beneath my fingers.
She arches back and murmurs, “That feels so good.”
I’m not sure why but I have an overwhelming urge to sweep her hair away from her neck and kiss that soft perfumed skin beneath my fingers. Leaning forward, I take a deep breath and surround myself with her scent. She smells good, innocent and like home.
Feeling a little shocked, I pull away and say briskly, “Um... that should do the trick. Now, let me get that coffee.”
She settles back on the sofa and says gratefully, “That was amazing, thank you.”
Feeling a little wrong-footed, I leave the room and head to the kitchen and when inside I lean my head against the fridge door. What just happened? It was as if I wanted Isabel. I mean, really wanted her. I wanted to feel her lips on mine and her skin against my skin. This is weird, I’ve never wanted to be with a woman before but I wanted it more than anything then. What’s happening to me?
Suddenly, I’m aware I’m not alone and look up to see Isabel standing in the doorway, looking a little worried.
“Are you ok, Tina? Do you feel unwell?”
Shaking away any thoughts I may have for her, I smile. “I’m ok, don’t worry, I just felt a little dizzy there for a moment.”
She looks concerned. “Maybe I should leave. You could get an early night and take advantage of having the house to yourself.”
She turns as if to go and I say sharply, “No, wait.”
As she turns towards me, I see the same look in her eyes that I’m sure is in mine and she says in a small voice, “I really think I should go, Tina.”
I’m not sure who moves first but suddenly we are standing face to face and I can tell she feels the same. Call it a basic instinct but it’s in her eyes.
Reaching out, I stroke the side of her face and notice how her lip trembles as she looks at me with those soft, innocent, eyes and says breathlessly, “I should go but I can’t.”
There is that moment where you have an opening to escape from the rabbit hole. You peer into it and make a judgement based on what you know is the wrong thin
g. However, fate drives you down a different path and your heart is the steering wheel. My rabbit hole is opening up right in front of me and I don’t even think.
I jump.
Suddenly, my lips find hers and rather than pull away, she presses them tightly against mine. As our tongues meet, I am carried away by the sweetest of senses. I couldn’t stop myself if I tried, as I share the forbidden with Isabel and taste destruction. We kiss like two would be lovers and rather than pull away with confusion and apologies, we go with the moment and before I know what’s happening, I find my life spiralling out of control on a haze of forbidden lust.
When I wake the next morning, for the first time in weeks, I’m not alone. However, this time the person sharing my bed isn’t Harry.
I close my eyes and think back on a life-altering night. I slept with Isabel. Correction, I made love to Isabel. I know it was love because I felt it. Every touch, every kiss, every moan and every feeling were surrounded by love.
As I watch her sleeping peacefully, it strikes me how beautiful she is. Even with no makeup and with her eyes closed, she looks so perfect. Rather than feel ashamed, I feel as if I have found something I was always searching for. I’m not sure why but I feel as if Isabel’s my soul mate. We think along the same lines, like the same things and obviously share a desire for one another.
I don’t even feel guilty about cheating on Harry. After all, how can something be wrong when it’s obviously written in the stars. Yes, this complicates things but now I’ve found this feeling, I’m holding onto it like a drug addict loathe to come down from a high.
Suddenly, Isabel stirs and I see her eyelids flicker. I watch in wonder as she wakes up and opens her eyes. However, she obviously doesn’t share my certainty because she springs from the bed and says in a shocked voice, “Oh my god, what have we done?”
19
Sitting up, I stare at her in confusion.
“What do you mean, you know what happened?”
I don’t like the way her eyes fill with terror and she starts grabbing her clothes and struggles into them.
I say in surprise, “Is something the matter?”
She looks at me in horror. “I’m sorry, Tina, I don’t want this; it isn’t me and shouldn’t have happened.”
“What do you mean, of course, it should have? If anything was the right thing it was that. Please, Isabel, let’s talk about this.”
She backs away from me and says in a choked voice.
“I’m sorry, I don’t want to talk about it. If anything, I want to forget it ever happened.”
Her words wound me more than any sharp knife and I gasp, “Why? Don’t you remember, it was magical? We were magical together. Last night everything fell into place. My life made sense, and it’s because of you, Isabel. You’re my future. Think about it, we could go ahead with the surrogacy, with or without Harry. I’m sure we could find a sperm donor or something. Then we could set up home together, with Jamie and the baby – our baby. Yes, I thought about this long into the night. This was always meant to happen. We were destined to be together.”
My words spill out in a rush and I have control over them. However, as soon as they leave my lips, I can tell they are not what she wants to hear. It’s true, I did lie awake thinking of the perfect life we would have together. The feelings I felt last night shocked me. I have never felt as strongly about anyone as I do her, not even Harry who I’ve been with for twelve years. In fact, I made up my mind that Harry was no longer what I wanted. My life with Isabel was all I could think of and the way she is looking at me fills me fear.
I say carefully, “Listen, I know it’s a shock, totally unexpected and we couldn’t have seen this coming but think about it. Please Isabel, at least try to see how good we could be.”
She faces me with hurt and anger swirling in her beautiful eyes which makes me want to hold her and reassure her that everything will be ok. She backs away and stutters, “Listen, I’m flattered, really I am but you’ve got it wrong. I like men, I always have. I’ve never wanted to be with a woman and last night well, it took me by surprise. Now I’m awake and thinking straight I don’t like what we did and just want to forget it ever happened. I’m sorry but that’s my decision, please respect it.”
She turns to go and I say almost desperately, “Your offer still stands though, doesn’t it?”
Slowly, she turns to face me and I see a hint of pity in her eyes. “I’m sorry, no. The offer doesn’t stand. I um… think we should maybe stay clear of each other from now on, this was a mistake and I’m sorry but I need to go.”
She pulls open the door and I stumble after her.
“Please wait, let’s talk about this.”
She flies down the stairs and wrenches open the door, racing towards her car without a backward glance. I don’t care that all I’m wearing is a thin satin robe with nothing on my feet. I don’t care that I stand on my driveway calling out her name in agony and I don’t care that I sink to my knees when the car pulls away taking my future with it. I don’t care because I am broken. She has broken me and I’m not sure if I’ll be the same again.
Somehow, I drag myself inside and sob uncontrollably. I don’t even think about Harry or Jamie; all I can think about is that Isabel left. Why can’t she see what I can? I told her how good it could be. We could be a family, a team and take on the world together. I was prepared to leave Harry for her and she still couldn’t see the sacrifice I was making – for her.
It takes me a while to muster up the energy to get ready and I go through the motions while my head is somewhere else. How can I possibly go on if Isabel isn’t in my life?
Then it hits me. She was scared, yes - that was it. Maybe her own feelings scared her and she fled to get a grip. Maybe she’s as scared as I am and needs time to think about things. How could I be so stupid, of course, she was scared? I’ll give her time to settle down and then go and pay her a visit. I’m sure when she’s had time to think about everything, she’ll see it’s for the best.
Feeling a little brighter, I set about clearing up and preparing a meal for Harry and Jamie. As I cook, I plan out in my head how I’ll break the news to Harry that I’m leaving and taking Jamie with me. Maybe he will leave and Isabel can move in. It will be a little strange at first for Jamie but it’s not unusual these days.
I’m not sure at what moment my world descended into madness but to me, it all makes perfect sense. Isabel is my future and I won’t let it go so easily.
When Harry and Jamie return the house descends into its usual chaos. Jamie rushes in like a whirlwind and merely says a brief, “Hi Mum,” before racing to the cupboard and grabbing some crisps before flying back upstairs.
Harry rolls his eyes. “No prizes for guessing where he’s heading. All he spoke of was getting some extreme action as soon as he got home.”
He moves across and pulls me tightly against him and groans. “I must admit the same thought had crossed my mind.”
I feel a prickle of alarm as he holds me tightly. I’m not sure why but this feels wrong. Harry has only been gone for a couple of days but it feels as if he left a long time ago. Laughing nervously, I push him away and say brightly, “Yes, um… well, you must be starving. I’ll make you a sandwich.”
I don’t miss the hurt flare up in his eyes as he notes the rebuff and as I distance myself from him physically, it’s not half as far as I am mentally. The thought of being with Harry after what I experienced last night doesn’t compare, and it’s in this moment, I realise just what happened. I fell out of love with Harry a long time ago because the love I now feel for Isabel, is much deeper than the one I ever felt for him.
Harry is upset, I can tell, as he says in a hurt voice, “I’ll just go and unpack then.”
Nodding, I say firmly, “Make sure you put all the dirty clothes in the laundry basket and not on the floor like you usually do. I’ve managed to keep this house clean and tidy for two days and I want it to stay that way for as long as possible.”
The door slamming is all the answer I get and I sigh. This is a problem that I’m not sure how to resolve. I need to speak to Isabel to sort things out with her because until I do that, I can’t settle things here.
Impulsively I grab my phone and text her.
Hey, I’m sorry about earlier. I don’t know what came over me. Maybe we could meet up and talk about it. Say later on today? Xx
I set about making lunch but keep on glancing nervously at the phone, anticipating her reply.
However, she doesn’t and by late afternoon I’m frantic. I know the text was delivered but there’s been no reply. I know I shouldn’t, but I try again.
Hey, I’m not sure if you got my last text but I really need to explain things. Please call or text me to arrange something. Xx
Again, I wait anxiously and try to do anything I can to distract me but it’s as if I can’t think of anything else. The day turns to dusk and as we settle down to watch the TV, I’m on tenterhooks. She must have received my texts, why isn’t she replying?
Harry is also pre-occupied and just sits in his usual chair flicking between programmes. I’m not sure if we speak two words to each other, except idle comments here and there. I don’t ask about his trip and he doesn’t ask what I’ve been doing. It’s as if there’s a cold wall of ice forming between us and I’m not sure if it will ever melt.
It gets to 8 pm and Harry looks at me with a blank expression. “Listen, Tina, I’m not sure what’s happening here, but it’s obvious we need to talk.”
I nod, feeling wretched but not because of the conversation we’re about to have, it’s because there’s still no word from Isabel.
Moving across, he comes and sits beside me and takes my hand in his. Fighting the urge to snatch it away, I look at him irritably.
“What is it, Harry? I need to make sure Jamie’s in bed and not playing on that damned game still.”
He looks at me sadly and says, “I’m leaving you.”
