by M J Hardy
20
I just stare at him blankly. He shakes his head and says sadly, “I’m sorry, Tina. I’ve tried my best, but this isn’t working anymore. It’s obvious from your behaviour since I returned. You don’t want me and to be brutally honest, I stopped wanting you a long time ago.”
He returns to his seat and faces me with a hard expression as I stare at him in shock. Not because he’s leaving, actually it’s a relief but because he told me he stopped wanting me a long time ago.
He says in a hard voice. “Don’t you have anything to say?”
I shake my head. “Not really. It’s pretty obvious when you come to think of it. How long have you known though?”
He shrugs. “A while. In fact, I think it was long before you started wanting another baby. I suppose you changed and were no longer the woman I fell in love with. You weren’t interested in me and I always thought you had sex with me to keep me happy rather than yourself. When you decided on another baby, I thought it may be just what we needed to bring us closer. The trouble is, it became obvious to me I was just a sperm donor because it became like a military operation. It had to be when you thought you stood the most chance of conceiving and not because you wanted to make love to me. I felt used and quite frankly as if you thought I wasn’t up to the job. I could see in your eyes, you blamed me every month that passed, and you still weren’t pregnant.”
Standing up, I pace the floor and say angrily, “Then why didn’t you say anything if it was such a chore? You know, it takes two people to make a relationship work, it’s not all down to me.”
He says carefully. “I tried; god knows I tried hard. You’ve changed, Tina. I’m not sure how but it’s as if you’re obsessed. I can’t get through to you and I’ve stopped wanting to try.”
I say tightly, “Is there someone else, is that it? I mean, you spend so much time out with your so-called friends, it must be another woman dragging you away.”
He shakes his head sadly. “You see, here you go again, it has to be my fault. You just can’t see that for a relationship to work it takes two people who want it to. To be honest, I’m not sure if you ever really did.”
“What’s that supposed to mean? Of course, I wanted it to work. We have a son for god’s sake, why wouldn’t I want it to work for his sake.”
Harry hisses, “Exactly. You want the perfect family, to the outside world, anyway. You want the nice house, the adoring husband and the 2.5 children. You haven’t worked since Jamie was born and now you can, you show no interest in going back. All day you clean and cook and have coffee with your so-called friends. You have nothing in your life to define you and you think that having children will give you purpose. Well, newsflash, children grow up and leave and then where will you be? You need to re-discover Tina Jenkins before you’ll ever be happy.”
Sinking down on the settee, I put my head in my hands and sob. Harry comes and sits beside me and puts his arm around my shoulders and I shrug it off angrily. The trouble is, I’m not crying for him and not even because of what he’s said. I’m crying because during his rant I noticed a text come through on my phone that has destroyed me.
Leave me alone!
Harry says in a soft voice. “I’m sorry, babe. I didn’t mean to do this tonight. I wanted to see if we could maybe get counselling and work at things but you rubbed me up the wrong way and I lost my temper. Do you want to talk about it, maybe try to think of a way we can sort this out without falling out?”
Wiping the tears away, I look at him with a stony expression. “No, I don’t think I do. Actually, I think you’ve said it all. I just want you to leave, move out and leave me to sort my life out. I don’t want you telling me how much of a failure I am as a partner and a mother. I don’t want you ‘trying’ as you say, when it’s obvious we grew apart years ago. I don’t want you making me feel inferior and I don’t want you. So, maybe it’s best if we do go our separate ways and just work together to make things right for Jamie. I’m sure he’ll be happier if we’re happier, so I think it’s best if you just go.”
Harry nods and moves towards the door. “What will we tell Jamie?”
I shrug. “The truth. We are splitting up and it’s not going to affect him. He’ll still have two parents who love him and will always be there for him, just not in the same home.”
Harry stares at me incredulously. “It’s not going to affect him? How can you possibly say that?”
I shrug. “Of course, he’ll be upset but he’ll get over it. Maybe call him now and we’ll do it tonight and then you can leave.”
I turn away because I can’t bear the look of disgust on Harry’s face. My words seem cold even to my ears but it’s as if I can’t think rationally anymore. I just want to get this over with so I can move on. The most important thing is to repair my relationship with Isabel because now I’ve had a taste of perfection, I want it forever.
Harry says coldly. “I’ll go and talk to Jamie. Let me speak to him first.”
I shrug and straighten the cushion on the seat he vacated as he closes the door. Maybe I’m a coward but I can’t face telling my son that his father’s leaving. Harry has made that decision so he can break the bad news and look like the bad guy in this. Once I’ve sorted things with Isabel, Jamie will see how amazing life can be when two people love each other. We will make sure he has the best life possible and hopefully, that will involve a brother or sister to make our family complete.
Reaching out, I pick up the phone and study the message. She’s angry and upset. Maybe I put too much pressure on her. I’ll go and see her at school tomorrow. I’m sure when she sees me it will all fall into place. I know we’re meant to be together; I feel it in my broken heart.
21
Last night Harry left. He packed a few things and left without any tears or tantrums from me, anyway. Jamie cried - a lot. When Harry told him, it destroyed them both. I could tell Harry was on the edge of breaking down and I tried to be strong enough for everyone, although inside I was as destroyed as they were. Just not for the same reason.
I sat with Jamie long after Harry left and tried to answer his questions as best I could. He finally fell asleep in the early hours after having used up any tears he had left.
I sat beside him as he slept but my tears fell for a different reason. I couldn’t cry for Harry because I know this is the best for everyone. He was right that we had grown apart and now he’s gone I feel as if a burden has lifted and I’m free. Jamie is my priority now and so, as the morning breaks, I vow to do what’s best for him.
Breakfast is a strange affair. The toast tastes like cardboard in my mouth and Jamie doesn’t even touch his cereal. Harry’s chair is painfully empty and I can see Jamie staring at it with a lost look in his eyes. My heart goes out to him because Harry is a good father. That won’t change but Jamie won’t be thinking about that now. The clock ticks on and I say gently, “Do you want to miss school today?”
He shakes his head. “It’s ok. I just want to get out of the house, really.”
I smile sympathetically and say brightly, “Well, maybe you should get ready then. I’ll drop you in, I’ll just text Karen and see if she wants me to take Jack as well.”
Jamie scoots off to change and I text Karen.
Hey, I have to take Jamie to school
this morning and I’ll fill you in later.
Do you want me to drop Jack as
well? Xx
Great, thanks. I’ll bring him around.
Is everything ok? Xx
Not really, I’ll explain later. xx
I pull out all the stops getting ready and make sure I put on my prettiest dress and makeup. I want Isabel to see me as a woman, not a mother and convince her that I’m the one she wants.
The doorbell rings and I answer it, smiling as Jack pushes past me to find Jamie. Karen looks concerned as she follows me inside.
“Is everything ok?”
Shaking my head, I sigh sadly. “Not really. Harry left last night.
”
“Left!”
“Yes, to be honest, it was a long time coming but Jamie’s taking it badly.”
Karen moves across and hugs me gently. “Are you ok?”
I feel the tears well up as I hear the kindness in her voice and say sadly, “I will be. Jamie is all I can think of at the moment and I just want his world to be happy again. Harry and I will sort things out but it’s still not fair on Jamie.”
Karen nods. “It’s very sad. Is there no chance of making it work?”
“No, I think that ship sailed a long time ago. It’s for the best and now I just need to make a new life without Harry by my side.”
The boys run downstairs and I can see that Jack looks upset. Obviously, Jamie told him and I’m glad. He needs a friend right now, someone to confide in and who better than his best friend?
I smile at Karen and say loudly, “Come on then, we don’t want to keep Miss Rawlins waiting.”
As we head to the car, I feel a prickle of excitement as I think about seeing Isabel this morning. I just know it will be ok, I can feel it in my heart.
I see her before she sees me and my heart starts thumping. She looks so beautiful in her pretty summer dress and hair hanging loose around her shoulders. She is laughing at something one of the other mother’s is saying and I feel a surge of jealousy as I see the smile they share. Then she looks up and our eyes meet and her expression changes. It becomes wary and guarded and my heart sinks.
I watch as she excuses herself and heads over and looks with concern at Jamie. “Is everything alright?”
Jamie nods sullenly, and she raises her eyes to mine with unspoken questions in them. I say softly, “May I have a word in private, Miss Rawlins?”
She looks a little uncomfortable but Jamie’s expression must tell her it concerns him and she nods. “Yes, follow me, we have a few minutes before the bell rings.”
I bend down and straighten Jamie’s jumper and tuck in his shirt, whispering, “It will be ok, trust me. I love you.”
He nods and then runs off quickly with Jack and the tears threaten to fall as I see how brave he is being.
Isabel says gently, “Follow me, Tina.”
As we walk towards the classroom, I feel my heart fill with hope. Seeing Isabel again has just reinforced the fact that I love her and want her in my life. I’m not sure why but she is a calm refuge in a storm. She soothes my troubles away with just one brief smile and I know that things are going to be ok.
We head inside the classroom and she closes the door and says coolly, “What’s the problem?”
I smile tremulously, wishing she would just hold me and tell me everything will be ok and say sadly, “Harry left last night.”
I watch her carefully for her reaction and my heart lifts as I see a flicker of excitement spark in her eyes before it’s replaced with concern. “Left?”
“Yes, we’ve decided to separate, so Jamie is feeling sad and vulnerable.”
She shakes her head and says sadly, “I’m so sorry to hear that. It’s never nice where children are involved. Don’t worry, I’ll keep an eye out for him and offer him someone to talk to if he needs it. You did the right thing telling me.”
I make to move towards her and she takes a step back. “Um… if that’s all, I really should let the children in.”
I stare at her in surprise. “I had hoped we could talk about what happened yesterday.”
Sighing heavily, she looks at me with a sad expression. “I’m sorry, Tina. I should never have let myself get so involved. Things went too far and I’m sorry if I made you think there was more to our relationship than friendship. It was a mistake and can never happen again. Maybe we should just keep things on a professional footing as the teacher and parent from now on.”
I stare at her in shock. “You don’t mean that.”
She looks at me with an ice-cold expression. “But I do, Tina. You see, I’m grateful that you were a friend when I needed one but that’s all. To be honest, what we did disgusts me. I’m even finding it hard to look at you and I went home and scrubbed my skin bare just to remove any trace of you. You see, Tina, I could never love a person like you, anyway.”
I step back as if she’s slapped me. “What do mean, a person like me?”
Her eyes flash and it’s as if she changes before my eyes as she snarls. “Look at you. Your child’s father has just left and you’re making eyes at me. Your child is suffering and yet all you can think of is dressing up and coming on to his teacher. You didn’t give a second thought to Harry and Jamie all the time you were systematically destroying their lives and you turned your back on your best friend in favour of a stranger. Women like you are mad, Tina. Mad for chasing something that will never be theirs and turning their back on something amazing. You had it all, and you took it and threw it away and for what? For nothing, absolutely nothing, so get out and never come to my classroom again.”
I turn away blindly, trying desperately to erase the image of her staring at me with disgust. Then I move away quickly. I need to distance myself from her because this Isabel is a completely different person to the one I fell in love with. There was so much hate in her eyes and vitriol spilling from her lips like acid rain.
As I race back to my car, her words echo around my mind. She was ashamed over something I wanted to shout from the rooftops. She is disgusted over something beautiful and the hate that poured from her eyes and lips has destroyed me far more than Harry leaving. Isabel Rawlins has destroyed my life and I don’t know how on earth I’m ever going to piece it back together again.
22
Isabel
Nine months ago
I feel so excited. I’m finally going on a date. I can’t believe that things have worked out so well for me. Working with small children has many benefits but a social life isn’t one of them. I’ve had the odd dates in the past but nothing that’s ever worked out. Gradually the dates dried up, and I resorted to online dating websites and that’s where I met Eddie.
As soon as I saw his profile, I knew we would get on. Not only is he gorgeous looking, totally my type, but he’s funny as well.
So funny we talk for hours online. I think I know everything about him before he tentatively suggests meeting up.
My friend Carol warned me about meeting someone I don’t know but I do know Eddie. He’s my soulmate, I just know it.
I take extra care in getting ready because tonight, is going to be amazing. I run a deep, scented bath and soak for ages, making sure to shave all the important places. Then I do my make-up carefully and style my hair, before pulling on the silky lingerie I bought especially for the occasion. The final touch is to pull on a figure-hugging dress and climb onto my six-inch heels.
Standing back, I look at myself in the mirror with a critical eye and like what I see. Yes, Eddie Butler is in for a treat tonight.
At 7.30 sharp I walk into the local wine bar, Franklins. We agreed to meet here on neutral territory for a drink before heading out for a meal. To say I’m nervous is an understatement because this will be my first date in years. Unlike the usual boys that asked me out, Eddie is all man. I can tell from his profile picture and my heart starts thumping madly with nervous excitement.
I see him almost immediately. He is everything I thought he would be and more. He stands up as I approach and I can tell he likes what he sees, as do I because Eddie Butler is something else. Tall dark and handsome doesn’t even do the man justice. He is drop dead gorgeous and I can’t quite believe my luck.
He smiles as I approach and kisses me lightly on the cheek. His aftershave is intoxicating, much like the man himself and he says sweetly, “Isabel, we meet at last. You look amazing.”
I smile shyly because although we have been talking for a couple of months, the reality is quite overpowering.
He pulls out the chair like a true gentleman and says lightly, “I’ve taken the liberty of ordering us some champagne. I hope that’s ok with you.”
He smiles a
nd every part of me melts at that look. He is impressive.
As he hands me the glass, I say shyly, “It’s good to meet you at last, Eddie. It feels as if it’s been a long time coming.”
He nods. “Yes, I suppose it’s a good thing though. At least it means we know a lot about each other before the date.”
He winks. “Although I must say if I knew you were quite so gorgeous, I wouldn’t have waited this long.”
His eyes hold mine and the intent in them has me gasping for breath. Yes, Eddie Butler wants me. It’s all there in his eyes and I feel exactly the same.
Dinner is amazing. We talk, eat and get on like a house on fire. He is charming, funny and witty. He is also intelligent and I discover he went to university and studied accounting. This man is so perfect and I can’t believe he’s single.
After a while, I broach the subject of past relationships.
“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to but have you ever been in a long relationship, or um… married?”
He shakes his head sadly. “No. I was engaged once, but it never worked out. She left me for my best friend, so it was a difficult time.”
Reaching out, I grasp his hand and say sympathetically, “I’m sorry, that must have been painful.”
He grasps my hand tightly and rubs his thumb across it and I feel myself melting under his touch. His eyes glitter with passion as he says softly, “I’m glad.”
“Glad?”
He smiles. “Because it enabled me to meet you.”
My breath catches and I don’t even care that it’s a line he probably uses on everyone because I want Eddie so badly it hurts.
He smiles sexily and says softly, “Shall we get the bill?”
I swallow hard and nod because I know that Eddie wants me and I’m not going to say no. It’s all there in his body language and expression. Licking my lips, I say huskily, “Yes, I think we should.”
