by M J Hardy
As I get ready for bed, I wonder if I should check on Tina. I would hate to think of her crying herself to sleep but I can see the lights are out so she must have had an early night.
Tom comes up behind me and wraps his arms around me tightly, whispering, “Promise me we will never be Harry and Tina. I couldn’t bear it if you left me.”
Spinning around, I look up at him and smile. “That would never happen.”
I don’t know why the flash of uncertainty that sparks in his eyes makes me worry. I know he’s hiding something. I’ve known for years he has a secret, I just never wanted to find out what it was. Tom was always the type of guy who kept his cards close to his chest. One minute he was up, then down like a gambler or drug addict. As he kisses me slowly and I feel the familiar stirring of lust, I push the doubts away as I always do. Whatever he did is in the past now, it’s our future that matters and I will never let anything come between us and protect it with everything I’ve got.
The morning comes and I have two extremely reluctant boys to get off to school. I feel a little guilty that they stayed up way past their bedtime but I thought that Jamie could use the distraction.
He doesn’t say anything, but it’s written all over his face that he’s suffering and I make sure to serve him a little more cereal than normal to give him energy for the day ahead.
As soon as I drop the boys into the playground, I look around for Isabel. I don’t see her and approach a teacher nearby.
“Oh, hi Mrs Armstrong, I can’t seem to see Miss Rawlins.”
She shakes her head. “No, she’s taken some time off, apparently, she’s feeling unwell.”
“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. Wish her well if you see her.”
Mrs Armstrong is distracted and I head to my car. My showdown with Isabel will have to wait until she’s back but I’m determined to find out what she’s playing at, even if I don’t like what she says.
29
Tina
My head is hammering and my mouth is dry. The tears dried long ago on my face and I groan as the hammering in my head reminds me what a fool I was last night.
If I could go to sleep and never wake up again, I would. I try not to think of what I did last night but the memory taunts me. When Karen took Jamie, I did as I said I would. I had a nice warm bath and made myself feel slightly more normal. Then it struck me that it would be a bad idea to stay in on my own, so I decided to go out instead. I had a foolish notion that I would find Isabel in the wine bar around the corner from the gym, so I made myself look as pretty as I could and hopped in a cab to take me there.
As I sat there alone at the bar it became increasingly obvious, she wasn’t coming. All around me were people having a good time except for me. I suppose I had too much to drink because when a guy sat next to me, I started to chat to him despite the fact I could see what he was after. His gaze lingered on my chest and I noticed his eyes running the length of my thigh as I crossed my legs.
Maybe it was because he was flattering me, or giving me some much-needed attention but when he suggested I accompany him to his hotel nearby, I did.
Groaning, I pull the pillow over my head as if to block out the memory of what we did. Almost as soon as we set foot inside his hotel room, we were at it. I was just as bad as him and left any inhibitions I had firmly at home. Maybe it was the alcohol and maybe it was because I was feeling so rejected but I behaved like an animal. Maybe it was because I wanted to prove I still liked men and wanted to see if it was men in general and not just Harry that turned me off.
Well, I found that particular answer out and went at it like a well-seasoned pro, which is just what he made me feel like. As soon as we finished, he rolled off of me and left the bed, returning with a wad of notes which he laid beside me. He told me to call a cab and keep the change and then he winked. He winked, and I felt so mortified I grabbed the cash and ran.
As the memory taunts me, for some reason, I start laughing uncontrollably. What is happening to me? I’m unravelling like a thread caught in a locked door. If I don’t get a grip, there will be nothing left of me to cover my shame. I am a car crash, a wreck and an accident waiting happen and in the cold light of day, I vow to get the help I need. However, first of all, I need coffee and fast.
As I wait for the kettle to boil, there’s a knock on the door and I look at the clock. 10 am. Feeling a little worried that it may be Jamie, I can’t believe that I didn’t ring Karen to check on him. I rush to the door and fling it open feeling worried. However, it’s not Karen but Harry and he looks so angry I can almost taste it.
Pushing past me, he heads to the kitchen and I say airily, “Well, come in why don’t you?”
He looks me up and down and I feel ashamed. My hair’s a mess and I still have the remnants of last night’s make-up on my face. I can pretty much guess that I look like a complete lush with red-rimmed eyes and puffy cheeks.
Pulling my robe a little tighter, I say angrily, “You don’t get to barge in here without phoning first. I’m not in any fit state to deal with this right now.”
He shakes his head in disbelief. “You’re right about that. Look at you, you’re a mess.”
Suddenly, I remember he shouldn’t be here and say urgently, “What is it, is it Jamie, please god no?”
He looks at me with pity. “No, it’s not our son who is safely tucked up at school where he should be. Thanks for checking though, at least you can remember you have a son.”
I shout. “How dare you? I’m a good mother, in fact, a much better mother than you are a father. I mean, what kind of father deserts his son one night and then doesn’t come around to check on him the next day? Tell me, I’d love to know.”
Harry looks as if he’s about to smash something and then appears to shake himself and says in a cold voice. “For your information, I’ve seen Jamie every day. I meet him at lunchtime and take him out for a meal. We talk about things and he knows where he can reach me if he needs to talk.”
I stare at him in surprise. “I never knew, Jamie never said.”
“I’m not surprised because from what I understand, you haven’t spent a lot of time with him since I left.”
I laugh dully. “You left less than a week ago, so we’re hardly talking months here. Anyway, why have you come here, Harry?
He smiles ruefully. “I wanted to check that you were ok. I know our split was inevitable but I’m not cold enough to walk away without checking on you.”
I stare at him and for a moment wish things could have been different for Harry and I. He’s a good man and made a fantastic partner. The trouble is, I took him for granted and gradually fell out of love with him. The excitement went when real life took over. I was always so tired and obsessing over being the perfect mother and housewife, I kind of forgot to be the woman he deserved.
Sitting down, I say sadly. “I’m sorry.”
He sits opposite and says gently. “You have nothing to be sorry about. I suppose we both changed and have to take an equal share of the blame.”
Seeing him sitting in front of me feels so familiar and safe. It makes me wonder why I can’t just be happy with what I’ve got. A lovely son and a loving partner. Why did I feel the need to put stress on our relationship by wanting a baby so badly?
Harry sighs heavily. “Look, I also came to tell you I’ve been offered a job in Milton Keynes. It’s a temporary contract for six months and I think I should take it.”
I stare at him in confusion. “But what about Jamie, how will that work?”
“It’s fine. He can come and stay at weekends and holidays. I’ll make sure to come and collect him on Friday nights and drop him back on Sundays, if he wants to that is.”
I feel strangely annoyed and snap, “I don’t think you’ve thought this through. Jamie needs stability at the moment. What about football and his clubs and interests? You’ll be dragging him away from his friends and hobbies to sit with you in a crummy bedsit. No, I don’t think this is a good idea at all.”
Harry looks at me angrily. “Then what do you suggest, I hang around here and put my life on hold while you have some sort of midlife crisis?”
“Midlife crisis, is that what you think this is? You think I’m mad, don’t you? Well, that’s typical and the reason why we could never work. You don’t understand me and you never have done. Well, fine, you go off and start a new life in Milton Keynes and make your poor son suffer the consequences. You’re selfish, Harry, always have been and always will be.”
Without a word, Harry stands and moves towards the door and I shout after him. “That’s it, run away. Walk away from your problems like you always do. Don’t expect me to care though because I stopped caring a long time ago.”
He slams the door on his way out and I stare after him in disbelief. Milton Keynes. He’s deluded if he thinks that’s a good idea.
I feel so angry; I start cleaning like I always do when I want to think. This may be a terrible situation to be in but I thought he would at least try to make it as easy on Jamie as possible.
Once I finish cleaning, I set about making myself look presentable. If Harry can move on this quickly, so can I. It’s about time I got myself a job because by the sounds of things, I’m going to need one and I know just the place to start looking. In fact, it’s the perfect solution and I’m surprised I never thought of it before.
30
The receptionist looks up at me and smiles. I return her smile although mine is a nervous one.
“Um… I was wondering if the opening was still available for a teaching support assistant?”
The receptionist smiles and looks at her computer screen. “Yes, applications close tomorrow. Do you have a current CV you could leave?”
I shake my head, feeling stupid. “No, I’m sorry.”
She prints something out and hands it to me, saying kindly, “Don’t worry, fill in this application form and you can drop the CV in later.”
I take the form and sit down and start to fill it in.
It’s been ages since I applied for a job and some questions take me by surprise. However, I really need this job because I won’t be able to rely on Harry to support me for much longer. However, I know the real reason is Isabel. I could work in the same place as her, maybe even in the same classroom. We would see each other every day and she may just realise we are meant to be together.
Feeling a lot brighter now I’ve made a decision, I hand my application form in and say with interest, “When do you think I’ll hear?”
She shrugs. “I’m not sure, maybe next week. It would be good if you could get your CV ready and handed in soon though, there has been a lot of interest.”
Feeling upbeat, I say with a smile, “I’ll head home now and do just that. Thank you.”
As I turn to leave, I say almost as an afterthought, “Um… I don’t suppose Miss Rawlins is available for a quick chat about my son Jamie Sears?”
Shaking her head, the receptionist looks apologetic. “I’m sorry, Miss Rawlins is currently signed off as sick. You can speak to the supply teacher if it’s urgent.”
Pushing down my disappointment, I smile ruefully, “No problem. I’ll catch up with her when she’s back.”
As I walk away, I feel a little worried about Isabel. Maybe she is suffering and could do with someone to look after her. Impulsively, I reach for my phone and text her.
Hey, Isabel. I heard you’re feeling unwell.
Would you like me to bring anything over
and look after you? xx
I feel a little anxious after the last text she sent but she may have calmed down by now. However, this time the message pops up as undeliverable.
I stare at it in shock. This can’t be right. It’s her number, why won’t it work?
I check the number again and try once more. It may be due to a weak signal or something. It comes back the same, so I dial the number. This time a recording tells me the number is not available and a feeling of dread fills me. Turning around, I walk back to the main office and say rather sharply, “Please, do you have Miss Rawlins telephone number? For some reason, the number I have for her is unobtainable. I just wanted to wish her a speedy recovery.”
Shaking her head, the receptionist looks a little uncomfortable. “I’m sorry, we aren’t allowed to give out personal numbers for our staff. Maybe you should write a card and drop it in and we’ll see that she gets it.”
I smile thinly and turn away as it hits me, of course, I’ll just drop around to her flat. What’s the worst that could happen? I mean, she may just ignore the knock or then again, she may be pleased to see me.
I head towards her flat stopping briefly to buy her a bunch of flowers to cheer her up.
As I turn into her road, I feel the nerves flutter inside me as I wonder how she’ll react. I hope in a positive way because even if she doesn’t want anything other than friendship, that’s fine by me. At least we could be good friends if all else fails.
Nervously, I approach the communal entrance and press the number on the entry system. It buzzes for ages but there’s no answer. Stepping back, I look up at her window and see nothing but the curtains pulled neatly back from the window. I try again and still nothing until a lady opens the door and says politely, “May I help you?”
I say anxiously, “Possibly, I’m visiting Isabel Rawlins. There’s no answer, and I heard she’s ill so I’m a little worried.”
The woman looks surprised. “But Isabel moved out two days ago. I thought she would have told you.”
Her words are a blow to my sanity and I feel a huge wave of desolation threatening to pull me under.
Isabel has gone.
Shaking my head, I try to think on the spot and say breathlessly, “Do you have a forwarding address, or know where she went?”
“No love. I’m sorry she never said. Maybe the letting agents in the high street know something. I know they are responsible for renting out the flat, maybe they can tell you.”
Thanking her, I head back to my car and fling the flowers in the back without care. As I sit behind the wheel, I know this is the end for me and Isabel. She’s left. She’s changed her phone and her address and doesn’t want me to find her. She may be sick from school but I doubt she’ll return.
As I come to terms with rejection, I slump over the steering wheel and sob like a baby. My life is meaningless. The only positive thing in it is Jamie, and I have disregarded his emotions in all of this in favour of my own. I’m a terrible mother and a terrible person.
As the grief hits me hard, so does the realisation that I’ve been a fool. I have thrown away everything good in my life for a pipe dream. The only thing I want to do now is to get my life back, and that means grovelling on my hands and knees to Harry and begging him to come home.
On the drive home, I have it all worked out. I’ll cook him his favourite meal and make sure I look amazing. I’ll ask Karen to look after Jamie and then I’ll remind Harry just how good we are together.
Feeling brighter at the thought I can repair what I’ve torn down so cruelly, I head to the shops to buy the ingredients. By the time I get home, I feel good about things and dash off a couple of quick texts.
The first one is to Karen
Hey, sorry to ask again so soon
but can you mind Jamie this evening?
I need to have a heart to heart with Harry xx
The second is to Harry himself.
Hey, babe. Listen I’m sorry about earlier.
I was a bitch and we need to talk about
this like mature adults. How about you
come home this evening for tea and
we’ll talk it through? Xx
Karen’s is the first reply.
No problem. Just call me when you
want him back if not he can stay the night.
I hope it goes well. Xx
Harry’s text comes almost at the same time.
What time?
I text back and arrange it for 6.30 and now
it’s settled I feel positive for the first time in ages. Maybe Harry was right, and I was having a mid-life crisis. However, now it’s time to face the facts and put this all behind me. There will be no baby, no Isabel and no job in Milton Keynes. Tonight, I am going to show Harry just how much he means to me because tonight, I am going to ask him to marry me.
31
Karen
I think about Tina’s text and wonder if she’s seen sense at last. I certainly hope so because it’s obvious she’s losing her mind a little and going through a sort of crisis. I feel so sorry for Jamie and Harry being caught up in the whole sorry saga and think about what Tina told me about Isabel.
So, it’s with considerable surprise that I read the next text that flashes in my Inbox, it’s from Isabel.
Hi, Karen. I’m sorry to ask you this
but please could you spare me an
hour of your time? I am in town
this afternoon and could meet you
for lunch if you’re free. Isabel x
I stare at the text and feel a little apprehensive. There is so much that has been left unsaid and I’m pretty sure that this is no cosy get together. Whatever Isabel wants to say is going to be hard to hear. However, curiosity wins and I text back.
Yes, of course. I’ll meet you at Costa
near Marks and Spencer’s. My
lunch is at 1 pm is that ok?
Yes, great, I’ll see you there.
Oh, and Karen, please don’t tell
Tina about this, I need to see you
alone.
I realise she doesn’t know that I know about her night spent with my friend and I expect she’s about to tell her side of the story. However, I have questions of my own that require answers and she may not like what I have to say.
