Coming Undone

by Melody Calder

  His eyes glistened with the unshed tears and he looked off in the distance, reliving his past trauma. "I was frozen to my seat, unable to do anything to help my mother. I was her son and I should've been able to protect her but I was too scared. He lost control of the car and it crashed, throwing me from it. By some miracle, I wasn't injured, even though I lost consciousness for a while. How long I was out, I have no idea. When I came to, I saw the wreckage and crawled to it. I saw my father first and he was still breathing. His voice rasped out my name and he begged me for help. I turned away from him. I could hear his voice as I made my way to the other side to look for my mother and try to save her. I found her but it was too late. She was crushed by the car and there was no saving her. She was already gone."

  "I probably could have saved my father by pulling him out and going to find help or something, but after seeing what he’d done to my mother, this horrible anger boiled up inside of me and all I could think was that he deserved to die, not her."

  André's voice hitched and he paused for so long I didn't think he was going to go on. Squeezing his hand I murmured, "It's okay. You were right to feel that way."

  He finally met my eyes, his expression one of shame as he spoke with a shaky voice, "All life is sacred. That's what we're taught. We have no right to judge because that's God's job. I knew that back then, but I didn't abide by it. I let him die. Not only did I let him die, but I sat next to him and screamed at him how much I hated him and how I hoped the devil would come and take his soul to hell where he belongs in an eternity of torture and pain."

  My own chest constricted, feeling the weight of his suffering, imagining André in that situation. A mere eleven years old, alone, scared, and grieving his mother with no one around to help. He would've had no understanding of his emotions or his grief and my heart broke for him. "André, you need to remember that you were just a child and if I'm being honest, he deserved everything he received. I know we are taught not to judge but that doesn't mean that we can't have our own feelings of what's right and wrong and we know everything he did was wrong. I doubt you could have saved him even if you tried. It's not your fault."

  He collapsed into my arms, sobs wracking his body as I stroked his hair and whispered words of comfort. We stayed like this long after his tears stopped, neither of us wanting to move.

  Chapter Sixteen - André

  Somehow, purging my soul to Simone helped more than she could ever know. I've never told anyone before because I thought they would judge me. And honestly, part of my reason for wanting to become a man of the cloth was because I thought it would be my penance for letting my father die.

  Her words of it not being my fault caused me to sit up and look at her. "Stay with me tonight,” her soft voice called to my soul. It was no question, more like a suggestion.

  "I don't know if that's wise," I replied, still ashamed of myself for losing control that morning.

  She twisted a lock of her hair around her finger and gave me a shy smile, "Not to do anything. Just to be near you. I don't want you to be alone in the state you're in. We've always been there for each other, so let me be your friend, the friend that you need right now."

  Simone made it sound so simple and easy, but I knew that it wasn't. Still, I had to try, especially after how much I hurt her. And she was right that what I needed more than anything at that moment was the comfort of my long-time friend. "Alright, I’ll stay. Thank you for being here despite how much I've hurt you."

  I glanced at the small bed. We could only fit if we cuddled up to each other, which would be a problem with how hard it was for me to control myself. Seeming to notice my discomfort, her voice grew excited as she pulled me to a different subject, "Do you want to see the latest piece I've been working on?"

  “I'd love to."

  She jumped from the couch and rushed over to the small desk I hadn't paid much attention to before then. Standing, I went over to get a glimpse of how her life had changed. I stood so close to her that I could smell the honey and milk of her soap and felt the heat radiating from her body. Clearing my throat, I commented, "You've certainly come a long way since we were children. You no longer have the straws of wheat to use as paint brushes. I’m so proud of you, Simone."

  "Yes, it's nice to earn my own money and be able to splurge every once in a while. The first time I was paid by the church, I went down to a little art shop a few streets over and splurged on real paint brushes and paints." The sound of her giggle spread warmth through me as she continued to tell me the story, "It was winter and I didn't have enough money to pay for the wood to heat this place for the entire season. I ran out about halfway through and practically froze every night. My only saving grace was that the heat from the apartment below me warmed it a little, and sister Marie gave me some extra blankets to use."

  Her eyes shone and I couldn't help but reach out to tuck a lock of hair behind her ear, "Well, Simone, if anyone deserves good things in life, it's you. What’s a little cold when you have the tools you need to create such stunning art."

  She blushed and went back to pulling out the piece she wanted to show me. It took my breath away when she held it up for me to see. The spires of the Basilica of Notre-Dame de Fourvière were painstakingly painted including the gleam of the sun bouncing off the gold painted carvings. The finished part looked so real that I expected to be able to feel real stone if I touched it. “It’s stunning. I'm shocked at how far your work has come, yet not surprised you have such talent. You will be the greatest artist the world has ever seen.”

  "I don't know about that, but thank you. You have no idea how much it means to hear that from you."

  I hadn't realized I still had my hand in her hair until we were standing there in a comfortable silence. The urge to kiss those soft lips hit me so hard I had to take a step back. I could see the hurt flash across her features, and I yawned to try to cover what I'd done.

  Thankfully, it worked and that beautiful smile played across her lips again. "We should probably get some sleep. I think it would be wise if you go back to the church before anyone else wakes up in the morning."

  "You're right. Are you sure you want me to stay?"

  “I do. I’ll set the alarm. Why don't you go ahead and lay down while I take care of it?" She took a couple of steps to the nightstand and fiddled with the alarm clock as I took off my shirt and sat on the edge of the bed waiting for her.

  Turning around, her gaze dropped to my chest and her tongue slid against the top of her lip. My palms felt sweaty as I tried to push away the desire her reaction gave me. I laughed nervously, “Just like old times. We just happen to be on a real bed instead of laying in the grass by the pond."

  "Yes," she agreed a little too quickly. "Just like old times."

  Without taking off her own clothing she climbed into the bed and held the covers up for me. I slid in beside her, facing her, “Thank you, beautiful angel.” I didn't know if she was my salvation or my damnation.

  "I've missed you so much, André. You've always been my rock, the only one I could count on to understand me and to be there for me. Everyone always thought that I was the strong one because I wasn't quiet, like you have always been when not alone with me. But it’s because of you that I found my dreams, and now, the courage to pursue them."

  I cupped her cheek and kissed her gently on the forehead, "No, Simone, you're the one who kept me going. I've been nothing but lost without you in my life. I just wish I could be different and be the man that you deserve."

  She laid her soft hand upon mine and closed her eyes, "The other day, you said that love isn't enough. But you know what? The words you're telling me right now show that love is enough. Our love is strong despite everything we’ve gone through. Can you just give it a chance? I want it with all my heart and soul. Please, don't leave me again."

  I wiped the salty tear from the corner of her eye and gave her the best answer I could at the time, "I want to be with you, I really do. But I need time. I need to figu
re out what I want to do with my life before I can ever promise to have the life you're asking for with you. And you, you need to do the same. I can't be the one to hold you back."

  "Okay,” she easily accepted the small amount I could give to her. I was sure my words gave her hope that there was still a chance for us, and to be honest, I didn't know the answer myself. I couldn't stay away from her no matter how hard I tried. It seemed everywhere I turned something was pushing towards her whether it was Sister Marie telling me to follow my heart, or the way I felt every time I saw her. It seemed the stars aligned to bring me back to the place I’d never thought I would see again. To the woman who I never stopped thinking about no matter the distance. Everything pointed to us being right.

  I knew I fought it so hard because I felt like I didn't deserve her. I knew I needed to atone for my sins against my father. Part of my training in Belgium was psychology, yet I couldn’t figure myself out. Things I felt deep inside, the overreaction I had to the simplest things, and my inability to control my own urges, all pointed to something being wrong with me. Most days, all I could do was think of myself as a monster and see my father within myself. I couldn’t risk any lives if I were destined to be a killer like he was. Simone was just too good for me to take any chances with her life.

  Yet, here I lay with her at a time when normally I would be sucked into the black hole of depression, unable to climb my way out. But not this time. This time I felt nothing but content and like I belonged again. With my madness gone, I felt free each time Simone was with me.

  It seemed as if she was my crutch, just as I was to her, and I didn't know if that was healthy enough. It's not like my life has shown me good relationships between the way my parents were, my father toxic and my mother accepting the abuse, and then being raised by nuns. I never knew healthy love before, and I had no one to look up to.

  I needed to do some serious self-reflection and decide if I could take the chance with Simone. I didn’t want it to end up like before when I had to break her heart the first time. It seemed it would happen again if I couldn’t be with her, and I hated myself for it. I didn't understand why everything had to be so complicated.

  I questioned if it was just me making it that way because of my own insecurities and my own guilt about my past. Maybe what I needed was to purge my soul in the confessional to Father Augustin. Doing so to Simone comforted me and I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, but the guilt was still there hanging around like a dark cloud threatening to pull me down. I had been drowning for so long and I didn't know how to get out of it.

  Lying next to Simone, staring at her tiny, soft features, so relaxed in her sleep, I felt whole again. Her presence comforted me, and it was a stark reminder of how incomplete I’d been while away from her.

  I should've slept, especially knowing the alarm would go off bright and early, so I could make it back to the church, yet I couldn't sleep. Part of me was afraid that if I closed my eyes, I would fall into the nightmares that plagued my sleep and I didn’t want to subject Simone to it. But mostly, I wanted to cherish the moment, this time alone with Simone that we could just be with each other. I didn't have to worry about anyone catching me as I looked at her with all the adoration I held for her. Moving my nose so close to her skin it was almost touching, I inhaled her scent, one that always made me think home. Simone was my home and I wished things could have been different, that I wasn’t so broken. Still, I would enjoy this time with her as we were truly alone.

  Even when we were young children, we always had people watching us in one way or another. We had rules that we had to abide by, and we could've never slept in each other's beds, even when we were too young to know what love and passion were. When we became teenagers and had those feelings for each other, we had to hide it even more. All the nights of sneaking into the kitchens, we could have easily been caught, a risk we were willing to take back then. We spent our whole lives under scrutiny. And now, for the first time, I could just enjoy lying next to her without worries. It was something I didn't want to let go of.

  In her sleep, her soft snores put me even more at ease. I thought about the times when we were young and lay like this by the pond. Simone would fall asleep and when she woke up, I would always tease her about snoring and sounding like a pig. Of course, she never believed me, and she was correct not to, since she never sounded like a pig. She always had an adorable little snore, just a slight rattling and a bit of a squeak. She reminded me of a mouse at those times, just like she did now. I smiled and sighed contently as the many moments we shared together ran through my mind. They played like the movie in my head, and I wished we could go back to the simpler times.

  I remembered the time she told me that we were going to love each other. I didn't believe her at the time. I learned a long time ago that Simone was almost always right, especially when she set her mind to something. Maybe I just needed to stop fighting us.

  In a little under a year, I would take my vows and become celibate, never to enjoy the company of a woman again. It was wrong of me to do it in the first place. I could never do something like this again. Just the thought of it terrified me as much as the thought of becoming like my father did. Why did my life as a child have to be so traumatizing? I loved my mother so much, but I could've grown up in a normal family and not have so much baggage weighing me down, simultaneously breaking the heart of the person I loved the most.

  I supposed it didn’t matter, because in all reality, I still had a chance if I could get past my own screwed up mind. I forced myself to close my eyes, but the sleep still eluded me. I tried to talk myself into thinking that by just laying down or touching her I would be okay with my choice to become an ordained priest. It was selfish of me to think that way because she needed to find love and happiness even if it wasn’t with me. She made me feel that no matter what choice I made, I would be okay. But she wouldn’t be if I didn’t choose her. I knew it was time for me to figure out if I could get past my own reservations or let her go, giving her the life she deserved.

  My mind started running through my list of things I could possibly do for a job to support her, and I kept coming up blank. I would have to do further research and somehow try to figure it out because I couldn't keep pushing Simone away. She was my soulmate.

  Chapter Seventeen - Simone

  Though I didn't get much sleep with how late we were up and the alarm ringing so early, I awoke thrumming with excitement. He slept right through the alarm, so I bounced on the bed and gave him a kiss on the cheek. I couldn't help but smile at how amazing it was to have André in my life again.

  When André finally opened his eyes, he sat up with a start, his brows pinched as his eyes darted around the room. His gaze settled on me, and he figured out where he was. Butterflies danced in my stomach when his handsome smile bloomed on his face, making my heart flutter.

  In the light of dawn, the orange of the sky caused a halo to appear around his torso and head. There was nothing more beautiful than him at that moment and I wanted to capture it. My other project would have to wait because he was the only piece of art I wanted to work on. I would work on it to show him how beautiful he was inside and out.

  “What are you staring at? You have a look in your eyes that I haven't seen in a long time." His hand went to my cheek, the rough touch so familiar and comforting. I leaned into his hand, relishing every touch he gave me, not knowing if or when it would end.

  I exhaled a sigh of contentment, "I wish we could just stay like this forever. No worries or fear of being caught. No pressure to be anything we don’t want to be or do things that don’t make us happy. It’s a freedom I haven’t felt in a while.”

  “Me too,” he agreed as his fingers moved down my neck, stopping at my collarbone.

  Our hunger for each other couldn’t be denied. I couldn’t say who made the first move, but our lips crashed together, and the time was forgotten. Hands roving each other, tugging at clothing to feel each other’s ski
n, we were lost in our own world, passion fueling us.

  My dress came off, the buttons falling to the floor in his desperation to get to my breasts. I giggled and lifted to help him free me of my dress. Bared to him, he paused to take me in, “You are so beautiful, Simone.”

  The way he looked at me as if he were worshipping me caused my desire to rise even further. I tugged at his pants needing to feel him. Our lips remained locked as he discarded the barrier, and my hand immediately flew to his hardness. The feel of it was so entrancing, something I could never tire of touching.

  He moaned at my touch, his own fingers reaching my apex. I mewled, the sound surprising me as every nerve in my body came alive. The sounds he made went straight to my core, and I needed him to be inside me.

  As if he read my mind, he climbed on top of me and pressed himself in slowly, filling me up with every inch of his glorious length. The lack of pain was as unexpected as the pain was the first time, and my hips lifted on their own accord. “André,” I moaned his name in awe of how good it felt.

  As if my voice was all he needed, he gripped my hair and thrusted. My nails dug into his back and my legs wrapped around his waist as I used them to push him further. His head buried in my neck, I felt his lips against my skin before the sharpness of his teeth brushed against it. My head spun with all the sensations, and I could feel myself building towards the blissful release I knew would come.

  My own mouth found his neck and I licked the salty skin, our mouths unable to stop tasting each other in our impassioned frenzy. “Simone,” he moaned my name as his movements no longer held rhythm. Our sounds of pleasure grew louder as we worked our way to the edge, so close to release. His chest pressed against my own, and every movement sent tingles to my sensitive nipples.