That's the Way I Loved You

by Carrie Aarons

  Noah just took our family reunion from awkward to terrible. Why did they all have to push this issue? Before I left, they were down my throats about how I was feeling, what I needed to be myself again.

  No one ever listened to me, just like no one was listening to me now.

  Indeed, a month was going to be a very long time to be back in my hometown. I was definitely going to have to get my own place to escape to.

  10

  Savannah

  Three days later, I unpack the third and last suitcase I had shipped here from New York.

  The apartment I’m renting, above The Whistlestop, isn’t anything to write home about. It’s decor is from the 1980s, there are no walls separating the kitchen from the bedroom or bedroom from the living room, and it’s sad that I’m thankful I have a door on the bathroom.

  But Rudy’s daughter kept it clean, put fresh sheets on the bed, and the whole place smells of delicious coffee, so I guess it’s not a horrible place to rest my head. And I’ve slept in worse places, felt more unsafe than I do. Not that I’d ever feel unsafe in Hale, it’s the sleepiest little town on the planet.

  From the moment I made that deal with Jason, I knew I’d need my own place for the next month. I couldn’t stand one more day of Adeline’s curious stares, or the questions she wasn’t asking. I needed silence, peace, for my own sanity.

  And no more questions about my mother.

  I’ve been sitting down for about an hour, trying to get some work done, when the scent of the espresso tempts me beyond what I’m capable of fighting. Packing up my laptop, I head downstairs, in search of one of those great cappuccinos. Hopefully, Jason isn’t the one making them, and I’m relieved when it’s just Rudy down in the shop during this late afternoon hour.

  After we chat for a minute and he takes my order, I choose a table in the corner by the window, set my blueberry muffin and laptop up, and proceed to write.

  I’m in the middle of one of the males on the show professing his love for his superior female doctor in the middle of a chaotic surgery when I hear my name across the shop.

  Before I know what’s happening, Cecily is bouncing toward me.

  “Oh my gosh, so good to see you again!” She bends down, hugging my neck.

  And then just sits across from me at my table. Like I’ve invited her. Like I’m not trying to get some work done.

  “Oh, um, hey Cecily. I was actually—”

  Rudy cuts me off from trying to get her up from that seat, by setting down my cappuccino and the coffee Cecily must have ordered. “So good to see you two back together, sitting in my shop.”

  His crinkly smile warms my heart, and I don’t have the chops to tell Cecily to hightail it out of here anymore. Closing my laptop, I resign myself to a late night accomplishing what I need to get to Donna.

  “You doing okay? I know it must be strange to be back here.”

  Her question surprises me, and the sincerity of her tone, like she knows me, catches me off guard. I forget that she does know me, probably better than most people who have come and gone through my life.

  She’s also the first person to ask me how I’m actually doing. “Um, I’m all right. It’s weird being back in town. Seeing Jason. Seeing my family. I never meant to stay away for so long, but I guess being in New York just made me feel … healed?”

  Cecily nods sadly. “I won’t say I haven’t missed you. But I knew you had to go. What happened was inconceivable. No one blames you for that, Savvy.”

  I snort. “You wouldn’t think that by their comments and attitudes.”

  She shrugs. “Your family is hurt that you stayed away. You missed their lives, and I won’t sugarcoat that. You missed mine. I want you to be happy, believe me, I do. But there are a lot of people here that love you.”

  She’s the second person this week to say those words to me. They hit deep, in a place I’ve long forgotten about. Part of me feels so cold, never returning or speaking to people who had been my entire world. But they just didn’t understand what was going on in my head. And by the time I truly reconciled it all, I was a different person.

  I’d grown up this sweet, wild girl with as much chaos in my soul as a summer thunderstorm. I trusted too easily, listened to what I was supposed to, loved fiercely, and against all odds. I was naive and young.

  New York has made me jaded. Distant. I protect my heart now, and yet coming back here, I can see that all of these people remain the same way I knew them. They’re open and compassionate, they talk about everything and don’t hesitate to hug or lend a hand. I feel like an alien in this world now.

  “Anyways,” Cecily clears her throat, “tell me about your fella!”

  She’s changing the subject mercifully to help me out, and I jump at the chance. Back in the day, girl talk was our number one favorite activity.

  “Perry is a trader on Wall Street, so he’s really successful at his job. He’s smart, loves to take me to exotic restaurants, and just knows so much about the world. We love to go to Broadway plays together, and he has season tickets to Yankee Stadium.”

  Cecily cocks her head, a weird expression filling her delicate features, and I realize that none of the words out of my mouth were about Perry as a man or our relationship.

  “Also, he’s really good to me. He makes me a better person.” The addition seems desperate and hasty.

  “So, y’all ain’t getting married, but you’re moving in together? Seems history does repeat itself.” She smirks, not in a sardonic way but in a joking manner.

  Because back when Jason and I told everyone we were shacking up, literally, there were a lot of people up in arms about us not being married. The people in my hometown will curse on holidays, get drunker than Charlie Sheen at their kid’s graduation parties, but God forbid someone moves in together before walking down the aisle at the local church.

  “Yep.” I nod, smiling.

  I don’t feel like going into the specifics, mostly because … well, Perry and I haven’t really talked about it. I could barely get him to relinquish control on his bachelor ways and move in with me, I wasn’t pushing marriage. Sure, I’ve thought about it. My parents had one of the best marriages I’ve ever seen, and I always thought I’d have the same.

  Never in my life did I think I’d be thirty, unmarried, and childless. Growing up where I did, I just didn’t think that was going to be my future. Now that I’m here, I’m not terribly upset about it, but I’d like our relationship to be progressing faster than it has. I don’t even know if Perry wants children, I’ve always been too scared to broach the subject.

  Some would say it’s terrible to move in with a man, to buy a home with him, if you don’t know explicitly what he wants for the future. I’m going to own property with another human, and what if he tells me a year from now that he has no desire to be a father. I’d be shattered.

  But like everything else in my life, I close up my feelings and lock them away tight. It’s just easier that way.

  “Tell me, do Danny and Veronica end up back together? I just have to know!” Cecily asks about the main couple on my show, Love General.

  That makes me chuckle. “Well, now, I can’t tell you that! You’ll just have to keep watching.”

  You wouldn’t believe how many people who know what I do ask me on a daily basis about the outcome of their favorite show.

  “It’s really good to have you back here, Sav.”

  Cecily reaches across the table and squeezes my hand. And for the first time since I’ve been back, a little glimmer of home passes through my bones.

  “It’s really good to see you, Ceci,” I tell her, because it’s true.

  I haven’t allowed myself to think about what my alternate life would have looked like, had I stayed in Hale. But for just one second, I see it as it could have been.

  And I mourn for the happiness I could have had here.

  11

  Jason

  Beau lugs one more barrel onto the shelves with me, both of us
sputtering with exertion.

  Sweat drips down our faces, and I hand him a water bottle from the cooler without any words. We chug, hauling in breaths until we can see straight again.

  “Fuck, don’t ask me to do this again,” he curses at me.

  “Hey, I work for free on your line. Least you can do for me is lug barrels in during the off season,” I admonish him.

  He shrugs. “I don’t need your labor. You’re free.”

  Rolling my eyes, I snort. “Yeah right, I’m better than any of your guys and you know it.”

  I run a hand down the smooth wood of the cabernet we just loaded onto a shelf. The stock we have aging for summer is going to be incredible, and a tingle goes down my spine.

  It’s my fourth year owning Darling June Vineyards, and this is going to be our best year yet, I can feel it. The harvest was especially plentiful; we have some new machines and techniques with this year’s batch of wines, and our publicity is up since we’d been covered on a hometown vineyard show on a big network television channel.

  At the tail end of our season, before we closed for summer, we had such an influx of tourist customers coming from places as far away as California that they tripled our sales for the year.

  The former Hale Vineyards was owned by a family for over fifty years, before the parents passed in old age and the children decided to sell. I scraped up the money for the loan, because I knew I could make this place something special. It was my shot to make something of myself, to give back to the town I love. And I’d done it … or I was on the way to doing it. My winery is now a go-to spot for locals, tourists, and families alike. We threw two summer festivals, held private parties and tastings, and even put on two weddings last year.

  In the winter months, it’s basically just maintenance for me. Looking over the vines, managerial tasks, and catering to a handful of local festivals and two or three private events. I spend a lot of time thinking up new ideas for the winery, marketing it, and just poring over the books. It’s why I have so much time to volunteer around here, because let’s face it, I wasn’t spending my time doing anything but working one place or another.

  Darling June Vineyards is my pride and joy, and I won’t lie, it has made me more comfortable than I ever thought I’d be in my life financially.

  “I’m just glad that’s done. Now, do I get a free glass or what?” My best friend walks over to the bottles in the cellar.

  We’re standing in the enormous wine cellar beneath the building, that houses all of our stock and aging barrels. “Hey, hands off that stuff. I’ll get you one from the stock upstairs, but first, I have to go look at this break in one of the fences out in the vines.”

  He grumbles behind me but follows, and soon we’re standing on top of the hill, in rows of vines, overlooking the lake. It’s a view that will steal your breath, and one of my favorite places in the entire world. Part of that has to do with the fact that it’s mine.

  Well, almost mine. By the end of next season, it’ll be mine. Though, it might take another year or two now that I have to buy off the house from Savannah and pay all the property taxes I’ve been avoiding, like a total moron.

  We’re inspecting the break, just a consequence of winter, when Beau nods his head toward the end of the row, where Noah Reese stands. Well, should have been expecting this one.

  “Noah, how you doing?” I shake his hand as I come to stand next to him.

  “Good, Jay. This place is looking good. Getting ready for season?” he asks.

  I nod. “Can’t wait to get this place up and running again. It’s my favorite time of year.”

  “Hope and I can’t wait to resume our weekly date night here. She loves that chocolate and cheese pairing you guys do.” He chuckles.

  “It’s a favorite,” I agree. “What can I do for you?”

  Noah sighs, but he’s always been an upfront guy. Even before Savannah left, we’d formed a friendship. It was weird at first, seeing her family around town after we broke up. But eventually, we all just became citizens of the same town, and Noah and I have grabbed a beer now and then at Buddy’s.

  “I’m sure you’ve seen Savannah. I know why she’s back here, and what you guys are fighting over.”

  If he’s going to try to fight her battle for her, he’s come to lose. But what he says next surprises me.

  “And I just want you to … you’ve got to get her back, Jay. I haven’t even seen you two together yet, and I know there is still so much love between you. Out of us all, you were the two that were supposed to make it. It kills me that she ran away, that she barely talks to her family or knows her nieces and nephews. She loves you, always has. You need to make a big play here, pull out all the stops. I’ll help you in any way I can, but she has to stay this time.”

  I feel dazed after he finishes. “Shit, I did not think that is what you were going to say. And I have to tell you, man, I’m not sure that any of that is true or is going to happen. She has a life, a boyfriend back in New York. She barely wants anything to do with me and has told me as much. Believe me, if I thought there was a chance in hell, I’d … I’d try.”

  It’s the first time I’ve ever told anyone in town of how badly I want Savannah back. Sure, they probably all know it, but I haven’t declared my feelings.

  “How does it feel when you’re with her? Just out of curiosity,” Noah presses me.

  I shake my head, looking off into the distance. “Like the first time I ever saw her. Magical and fated. It’s how I always feel when I’m around her.”

  He pats me on the shoulder. “You can’t let her go, Jay. We’re all counting on you. Bring our girl home.”

  Then Noah leaves just as abruptly as he swept in.

  Walking back to where I was working, I’m even more messed up about the whole situation than I was before.

  “What did he want?” Beau asks, though he was probably eavesdropping on our entire conversation.

  “For me to win his sister back.” I grunt, using pliers to remove the broken part of wire from the grapes it’s already destroyed.

  My best friend goes still. “Do you want to win her back?”

  Savannah has been a sore subject between us for years. Beau thinks she’s a selfish asshole, and he even knows the full story. Her leaving town was unforgivable to him, but I see the other side. I was at fault, too.

  “I’ve loved the woman my entire life. You know that. If I thought there was a chance … yes. I’d try.”

  “She broke your heart.”

  “Yeah, and I wasn’t the most innocent in the situation either. I was a selfish, heartless prick when she needed me the most. Back then, I was so wrapped up in my injury and not being able to play anymore that I wasn’t there for her.”

  “You were kids,” Beau insists.

  “We were soul mates. Probably still are,” I challenge.

  He sighs, knowing he won’t win this one. “I just don’t want you to be more fucked-up than you already are over her. If you can’t convince her to stay, if she doesn’t pick you? I don’t want to see that for you, my friend.”

  I know he means well, but so does every friend, relative, or person who tries to give you advice on love.

  The thing is, your heart is always going to do whatever the hell it wants. Even if it means it’s going to get broken.

  12

  Savannah

  Pulling up to the house, our house, in the daylight is a different kind of torture.

  Since Cecily’s kindness, all the things I used to love about Hale have come creeping back into my mind. The holidays spent here, the summer fair we’d all flock to, the endless days of a warm winter spent daring each other to jump in the lake. I remember cuddling on the couch with my family for our mandatory Friday movie nights, and all the things that happened between Jason and me.

  There was a time when I never would have left Hale for anything, and when I put my car in park at the property we own together, ghosts of the past whisper in my ear.

 
“I see you still have the same penchant for running about twenty minutes late.”

  His voice hits me as soon as I cross the threshold, though I didn’t see Jason’s truck when I pulled up. He always did have this mysterious way of sneaking up on me.

  “A woman has to keep her charms, isn’t that right?” I say coyly, running my pointer finger over the dusty surfaces.

  “I wouldn’t say what you are is necessarily charming.” He scoffs sarcastically.

  Finally, I turn to face him, and I immediately wish I hadn’t. Um, what he’s wearing should be illegal. It’s a miracle my jaw doesn’t unhinge, it’s hanging open so wide.

  Leaning against the doorframe like some kind of sexy lumberjack model is Jason, in an olive-green thermal shirt that molds to his biceps and pecs in all the right places. His jeans are scuffed and ripped, though not in the style that looks like they’ve come from a store. No, these are the type earned by hammering roofs together and kneeling in the mud to change a tire. Paired with chunky Timberland boots, Jason looks like some kind of cover model for a country music album. And then there is the rumpled, just-slept-in head of midnight-black locks, and the eyes that hooked me a long time ago.

  Those baby blues, as innocent as they are devilish, could put the Texas stars to shame.

  He does the same slow perusal of my body. I opted for black leggings and a long white tunic long sleeve, with my hair piled into a ponytail. I may be more into fashion and labels than I was when I left here, but I know when I’m coming to do manual labor. I’ll never be one of those girls who shows up to help someone fix something in heels and a blouse.

  “So, where are we starting?” I ignore him, looking around.

  There are two major holes in the drywall near two windows, I noticed a panel of roofing missing, and the floors need to be refinished, though not replaced. I’m sure the place could use new windows and some appliance upgrades if we really want to list it for top dollar, but the bones of it are surprisingly good.