Peter Simple; and, The Three Cutters, Vol. 1-2

by Frederick Marryat

  Chapter II

  Fitting out on the shortest notice--Fortunately for me, this day MrHandycock is a bear, and I fare very well--I set off for Portsmouth--Behind the coach I meet a man before the mast--He is disguised withliquor, but is not the only disguise I fall in with in my journey.

  The next morning Mr Handycock appeared to be in somewhat better humour.One of the linendrapers who fitted out cadets, &c, "on the shortestnotice," was sent for, and orders given for my equipment, which MrHandycock insisted should be ready on the day afterwards, or thearticles would be left on his hands; adding, that my place was alreadytaken in the Portsmouth coach.

  "Really, sir," observed the man, "I'm afraid--on such very shortnotice--"

  "Your card says, 'the shortest notice,'" rejoined Mr Handycock, with theconfidence and authority of a man who is enabled to correct another byhis own assertions. "If you do not choose to undertake the work, anotherwill."

  This silenced the man, who made his promise, took my measure, anddeparted; and soon afterwards Mr Handycock also quitted the house.

  What with my grandfather and the parrot, and Mrs Handycock wondering howmuch money her husband had lost, running to the head of the stairs andtalking to the cook, the day passed away pretty well till four o'clock;when, as before, Mrs Handycock screamed, the cook screamed, the parrotscreamed, and Mr Handycock rapped at the door, and was let in--but notby me. He ascended the stair swith [sic] three bounds, and coming intothe parlour, cried, "Well, Nancy, my love, how are you?" Then stoopingover her, "Give me a kiss, old girl. I'm as hungry as a hunter. MrSimple, how do you do? I hope you have passed the morning agreeably. Imust wash my hands and change my boots, my love; I am not fit to sitdown to table with you in this pickle. Well, Polly, how are you?"

  "I'm glad you're hungry, my dear, I've such a nice dinner for you,"replied the wife, all smiles. "Jemima, be quick and dish up--MrHandycock is so hungry."

  "Yes, marm," replied the cook; and Mrs Handycock followed her husbandinto his bedroom on the same floor, to assist him at his toilet.

  "By Jove, Nancy, the _bulls_ have been nicely taken in," said MrHandycock, as we sat down to dinner.

  "O, I am so glad!" replied his wife, giggling; and so I believe she was,but why I did not understand.

  "Mr Simple," said he, "will you allow me to offer you a little fish?"

  "If you do not want it all yourself, sir," replied I politely.

  Mrs Handycock frowned and shook her head at me, while her husband helpedme. "My dove, a bit of fish?"

  We both had our share to-day, and I never saw a man more polite than MrHandycock. He joked with his wife, asked me to drink wine with him twoor three times, talked about my grandfather; and, in short, we had avery pleasant evening.

  The next morning all my clothes came home, but Mr Handycock, who stillcontinued in good humour, said that he would not allow me to travel bynight, that I should sleep there and set off the next morning; which Idid at six o'clock, and before eight I had arrived at the Elephant andCastle, where we stopped for a quarter of an hour. I was looking at thepainting representing this animal with a castle on its back; andassuming that of Alnwick, which I had seen, as a fair estimate of thesize and weight of that which he carried, was attempting to enlarge myideas so as to comprehend the stupendous bulk of the elephant, when Iobserved a crowd assembled at the corner; and asking a gentleman who satby me in a plaid cloak, whether there was not something very uncommon toattract so many people, he replied, "Not very, for it is only a drunkensailor."

  I rose from my seat, which was on the hinder part of the coach, that Imight see him, for it was a new sight to me, and excited my curiosity,when to my astonishment, he staggered from the crowd, and swore thathe'd go to Portsmouth. He climbed up by the wheel of the coach, and satdown by me. I believe that I stared at him very much, for he said to me,"What are you gaping at, you young sculping? Do you want to catch flies?or did you never see a chap half-seas-over before?"

  I replied, "That I had never been at sea in my life, but that I wasgoing."

  "Well, then, you're like a young bear, all your sorrows to come--that'sall, my hearty," replied he. "When you get on board, you'll findmonkey's allowance--more kicks than half-pence. I say, youpewter-carrier, bring us another pint of ale."

  The waiter of the inn, who was attending the coach, brought out the ale,half of which the sailor drank, and the other half threw into thewaiter's face, telling him that was his "allowance: and now," said he,"what's to pay?" The waiter, who looked very angry, but appeared toomuch afraid of the sailor to say anything, answered fourpence; and thesailor pulled out a handful of banknotes, mixed up with gold, silver,and coppers, and was picking out the money to pay for his beer, when thecoachman, who was impatient, drove off.

  "There's cut and run," cried the sailor, thrusting all the money intohis breeches pocket. "That's what you'll learn to do, my joker, beforeyou've been two cruises to sea."

  In the meantime the gentleman in the plaid cloak, who was seated by me,smoked his cigar without saying a word. I commenced a conversation withhim relative to my profession, and asked him whether it was not verydifficult to learn. "Larn," cried the sailor, interrupting us, "no; itmay be difficult for such chaps as me before the mast to larn; but you,I presume, is a reefer, and they an't got much to larn, 'cause why, theypipe-clays their weekly accounts, and walks up and down with their handsin their pockets. You must larn to chaw baccy, drink grog, and call thecat a beggar, and then you knows all a midshipman's expected to knownowadays. Ar'n't I right, sir?" said the sailor, appealing to thegentleman in a plaid cloak. "I axes you, because I see you're a sailorby the cut of your jib. Beg pardon, sir," continued he, touching hishat, "hope no offence."

  "I am afraid that you have nearly hit the mark, my good fellow," repliedthe gentleman.

  The drunken fellow then entered into conversation with him, stating thathe had been paid off from the _Audacious_ at Portsmouth, and had come upto London to spend his money with his messmates, but that yesterday hehad discovered that a Jew at Portsmouth had sold him a seal as gold, forfifteen shillings, which proved to be copper, and that he was goingback to Portsmouth to give the Jew a couple of black eyes for hisrascality, and that when he had done that he was to return to hismessmates, who had promised to drink success to the expedition at theCock and Bottle, St Martin's Lane, until he should return.

  The gentleman in the plaid cloak commended him very much for hisresolution; for he said, "that although the journey to and fromPortsmouth would cost twice the value of a gold seal, yet, that in theend it might be worth a _Jew's Eye_." What he meant I did notcomprehend.

  Whenever the coach stopped, the sailor called for more ale, and alwaysthrew the remainder which he could not drink into the face of the manwho brought it out for him, just as the coach was starting off, and thentossed the pewter pot on the ground for him to pick up. He became moretipsy every stage, and the last from Portsmouth, when he pulled out hismoney, he could find no silver, so he handed down a note, and desiredthe waiter to change it. The waiter crumpled it up and put it into hispocket, and then returned the sailor the change for a one-pound note;but the gentleman in the plaid had observed that it was a five-poundnote which the sailor had given, and insisted upon the waiter producingit, and giving the proper change. The sailor took his money, which thewaiter handed to him, begging pardon for the mistake, although hecoloured up very much at being detected. "I really beg your pardon,"said he again, "it was quite a mistake;" whereupon the sailor threw thepewter pot at the waiter, saying, "I really beg your pardon, too,"--andwith such force, that it flattened upon the man's head, who fellsenseless on the road. The coachman drove off, and I never heard whetherthe man was killed or not.

  After the coach had driven off, the sailor eyed the gentleman in theplaid cloak for a minute or two, and then said, "When I first looked atyou I took you for some officer in mufti; but now that I see you look sosharp after the rhino, it's my idea that you're some poor devil of aScotchman, mayhap second mate of a ma
rchant vessel--there's half a crownfor your services--I'd give you more if I thought you would spend it."

  The gentleman laughed, and took the half-crown, which I afterwardsobserved that he gave to a grey-headed beggar at the bottom of PortsdownHill. I inquired of him how soon we should be at Portsmouth; he answeredthat we were passing the lines; but I saw no lines, and I was ashamed toshow my ignorance. He asked me what ship I was going to join. I couldnot recollect her name, but I told him it was painted on the outside ofmy chest, which was coming down by the waggon; all that I couldrecollect was that it was a French name.

  "Have you no letter of introduction to the captain?" said he.

  "Yes I have," replied I; and I pulled out my pocket-book in which theletter was. "Captain Savage, H.M. ship _Diomede_," continued I, readingto him.

  To my surprise he very coolly proceeded to open the letter, which, whenI perceived what he was doing, occasioned me immediately to snatch theletter from him, stating my opinion at the same time that it was abreach of honour, and that in my opinion he was no gentleman.

  "Just as you please, youngster," replied he. "Recollect, you have toldme I am no gentleman."

  He wrapped his plaid around him, and said no more; and I was not alittle pleased at having silenced him by my resolute behaviour.