Peter Simple; and, The Three Cutters, Vol. 1-2

by Frederick Marryat

  Chapter XXVII

  Captain and Mrs To--Pork--We go to Plymouth, and fall in with our oldCaptain.

  I immediately took leave of my family, and set off for Portsmouth, andin two days arrived at the Fountain inn, where O'Brien was waiting toreceive me. "Peter, my boy, I feel so much obliged to you, that if youruncle won't go out of the world by fair means, I'll pick a quarrel withhim, and shoot him, on purpose that you may be a lord, as I amdetermined you shall be. Now come up into my room, where we'll be allalone, and I'll tell you all about the ship and our new captain. In thefirst place, we'll begin with the ship, as the most important personageof the two: she's a beauty, I forget her name before she was taken, butthe French know how to build ships better than keep them. She's nowcalled the _Sanglier_, which means a wild pig, and, by the powers! a_pig_ ship she is, as you will hear directly. The captain's name is avery short one, and wouldn't please Mr Chucks, consisting only of twoletters, T and O, which makes To; his whole title is Captain John To. Itwould almost appear as if somebody had broken off the better half of hisname, and only left him the commencement of it; but, however, it's ahandy name to sign when he pays off his ship. And now I'll tell you whatsort of a looking craft he is. He's built like a Dutch schuyt, greatbreadth of beam, and very square tuck. He applied to have the quartergalleries enlarged in the two last ships he commanded. He weighs abouteighteen stone, rather more than less. He is a good-natured sort of achap, amazingly ungenteel, not much of an officer, not much of a sailor,but a devilish good hand at the trencher. But he's only part of theconcern; he has his wife on board, who is a red-herring sort of a lady,and very troublesome to boot. What makes her still more annoying is,that she has a _piano_ on board, very much out of _tune_, on which sheplays very much out of _time_. Holystoning is music compared with herplaying: even the captain's spaniel howls when she comes to the highnotes; but she affects the fine lady, and always treats the officerswith music when they dine in the cabin, which makes them very glad toget out of it."

  "But, O'Brien, I thought wives were not permitted on board."

  "Very true, but there's the worst part in the man's character: he knowsthat he is not allowed to take his wife to sea, and, in consequence, henever says she _is_ his wife, or presents her on shore to anybody. Ifany of the other captains ask how Mrs To is to-day? 'Why,' he replies,'pretty well, I thank you;' but at the same time he gives a kind ofsmirk, as if to say, 'She is not my wife;' and although everybody knowsthat she is, yet he prefers that they should think otherwise, ratherthan be at the expense of keeping her on shore; for you know, Peter,that although there are regulations about wives, there are none withregard to other women."

  "But does his wife know this?" inquired I.

  "I believe, from my heart, she is a party to the whole transaction, forreport says, that she would skin a flint if she could. She's alwaystrying for presents from the officers, and, in fact, she commands theship."

  "Really, O'Brien, this is not a very pleasant prospect."

  "Whist! wait a little; now I come to the wind-up. This Captain To isvery partial to pig's _mate_, and we have as many live pigs on board aswe have pigs of ballast. The first lieutenant is right mad about them.At the same time he allows no pigs but his own on board, that there maybe no confusion. The manger is full of pigs; there are two cow-pensbetween the main-deck guns, drawn from the dock-yard, and converted intopig-pens. The two sheep-pens amidships are full of pigs, and the geeseand turkey-coops are divided off into apartments for four _sows_ in the_family way_. Now, Peter, you see there's little or no expense inkeeping pigs on board of a large frigate, with so much _pay_-soup andwhole peas for them to eat, and this is the reason why he keeps them,for the devil a bit of any other stock has he on board. I presume hemeans to _milk_ one of the _old sows_ for breakfast when the ship sails.The first thing that he does in the morning, is to go round to his pigswith the butcher, feeling one, scratching the dirty ears of another, andthen he classes them--his _bacon_ pigs, his _porkers_, his _breeding_sows, and so on. The old boar is still at the stables of this inn, but Ihear he is to come on board with the sailing orders: but he is verysavage, and is therefore left on shore to the very last moment. Nowreally, Peter, what with the squealing of the pigs and his wife's piano,we are almost driven mad. I don't know which is the worse of the two; ifyou go aft you hear the one, if you go forward you hear the other, byway of variety, and that, they say, is charming. But, is it not shockingthat such a beautiful frigate should be turned into a pig-sty, and thather main-deck should smell worse than a muckheap?"

  "But how does his wife like the idea of living only upon hog's flesh?"

  "She! Lord bless you, Peter! why, she looks as spare as a shark, and shehas just the appetite of one, for she'll _bolt_ a four-pound piece ofpork before it's well put on her plate."

  "Have you any more such pleasant intelligence to communicate, O'Brien?"

  "No, Peter; you have the worst of it. The lieutenants are good officersand pleasant messmates: the doctor is a little queer, and the purserthinks himself a wag; the master, an old north-countryman, who knows hisduty, and takes his glass of grog. The midshipmen are a very genteel setof young men, and full of fun and frolic. I'll bet a wager there'll be abobbery in the pig-sty before long, for they are ripe for mischief. Now,Peter, I hardly need say that my cabin and everything I have is at yourservice; and I think if we could only have a devil of a gale of wind, ora hard-fought action, to send the _pigs_ overboard and smash the_piano_, we should do very well."

  The next day I went on board, and was shown down into the cabin, toreport my having joined. Mrs To, a tall thin woman, was at her piano;she rose, and asked me several questions--who my friends were--how muchthey allowed me a year, and many other questions, which I thoughtimpertinent: but a captain's wife is allowed to take liberties. She thenasked me if I was fond of music? That was a difficult question, as, if Isaid that I was, I should in all probability be obliged to hear it: if Isaid that I was not, I might have created a dislike in her. So Ireplied, that I was very fond of music on shore, when it was notinterrupted by other noise. "Ah! then I perceive you are a real amateur,Mr Simple," replied the lady.

  Captain To then came out of the after-cabin, half-dressed. "Well,youngster, so you've joined us at last. Come and dine with us to-day?and, as you go down to your berth, desire the sentry to pass the wordfor the butcher; I want to speak with him."

  I bowed and retired. I was met in the most friendly manner by theofficers and by my own messmates, who had been prepossessed in my favourby O'Brien, previous to my arrival. In our service you always find youngmen of the best families on board large frigates, they being consideredthe most eligible class of vessels; I found my messmates to begentlemen, with one or two exceptions, but I never met so many wildyoung lads together. I sat down and ate some dinner with them, althoughI was to dine in the cabin, for the sea air made me hungry.

  "Don't you dine in the cabin, Simple?" said the caterer.

  "Yes," replied I.

  "Then don't eat any pork, my boy, now, for you'll have plenty there.Come, gentlemen, fill your glasses; we'll drink happiness to our newmessmate, and pledging him, we pledge ourselves to try to promote it."

  "I'll just join you in that toast," said O'Brien, walking into themidshipmen's berth. "What is it you're drinking it in?"

  "Some of Collier's port, sir. Boy, bring a glass for Mr O'Brien."

  "Here's your health, Peter, and wishing you may keep out of a Frenchprison this cruise. Mr Montague, as caterer, I will beg you will orderanother candle, that I may see what's on the table, and then perhaps Imay find something I should like to pick a bit off."

  "Here's the fag end of a leg of mutton, Mr O'Brien, and there's a pieceof boiled pork."

  "Then I'll just trouble you for a bit close to the knuckle. Peter, youdine in the cabin, so do I--the doctor refused."

  "Have you heard when we sail, Mr O'Brien?" inquired one of my messmates.

  "I heard at the admiral's office, that we were expected to
be orderedround to Plymouth, and receive our orders there, either for the East orWest Indies, they thought; and, indeed, the stores we have taken onboard indicate that we are going foreign, but the captain's signal isjust made, and probably the admiral has intelligence to communicate."

  In about an hour afterwards, the captain returned, looking very red andhot. He called the first lieutenant aside from the rest of the officers,who were on deck to receive him, and told him, that we were to start forPlymouth next morning; and the admiral had told him confidentially, thatwe were to proceed to the West Indies with a convoy, which was thencollecting. He appeared to be very much alarmed at the idea of going tomake a feast for the land crabs; and certainly, his gross habit of bodyrendered him very unfit for the climate. This news was soon spreadthrough the ship, and there was of course no little bustle andpreparation. The doctor, who had refused to dine in the cabin upon pleaof being unwell, sent up to say, that he felt himself so much better,that he should have great pleasure to attend the summons, and he joinedthe first lieutenant, O'Brien, and me, as we walked in. We sat down totable; the covers were removed, and as the midshipmen prophesied, therewas plenty of _pork_--mock-turtle soup, made out of a pig's head--aboiled leg of pork and peas-pudding--a roast spare-rib, with thecrackling on--sausages and potatoes, and pig's pettitoes. I cannot saythat I disliked my dinner, and I ate very heartily; but a roastsucking-pig came on as a second course, which rather surprised me; butwhat surprised me more, was the quantity devoured by Mrs To. She handedher plate from the boiled pork to the roast, asked for some pettitoes,tried the sausages, and finished with a whole plateful of sucking-pigand stuffing. We had an apple pie at the end, but as we had alreadyeaten apple sauce with the roast pork, we did not care for it. Thedoctor, who abominated pork, ate pretty well, and was excessivelyattentive to Mrs To.

  "Will you not take a piece of the roast pig, doctor?" said the captain.

  "Why, really Captain To, as we are bound, by all reports, to a stationwhere we must not venture upon pork, I think I will not refuse to take apiece, for I am very fond of it."

  "How do you mean?" inquired the captain and his lady, both in a breath.

  "Perhaps I may be wrongly informed," replied the doctor, "but I haveheard that we were ordered to the West Indies; now, if so, everyoneknows, that although you may eat salt pork there occasionally withoutdanger, in all tropical climates, and especially the West Indies, two orthree days' living upon this meat will immediately produce dysentery,which is always fatal in that climate."

  "Indeed!" exclaimed the captain.

  "You don't say so!" rejoined the lady.

  "I do indeed: and have always avoided the West Indies for that veryreason--I am so fond of pork."

  The doctor then proceeded to give nearly one hundred instances ofmessmates and shipmen who had been attacked with dysentery, from theeating of fresh pork in the West Indies; and O'Brien, perceiving thedoctor's drift, joined him, telling some most astonishing accounts ofthe dreadful effects of pork in a hot country. I think he said, thatwhen the French were blockaded, previous to the surrender of Martinique,that, having nothing but pigs to eat, thirteen hundred out of seventeenhundred soldiers and officers died in the course of three weeks, and theothers were so reduced by disease, that they were obliged to capitulate.The doctor then changed the subject, and talked about the yellow fever,and other diseases of the climate, so that, by his account, the WestIndia islands were but hospitals to die in. Those most likely to beattacked, were men in full strong health. The spare men stood a betterchance. This conversation was carried on until it was time to leave--MrsTo at last quite silent, and the captain gulping down his wine with asigh. When we rose from the table, Mrs To did not ask us, as usual, tostay and hear a little music; she was, like her piano, not a little outof tune.

  "By the powers, doctor, you did that nately," said O'Brien, as we leftthe cabin.

  "O'Brien," said the doctor, "oblige me, and you, Mr Simple, oblige mealso, by not saying a word in the ship about what I have said; if itonce gets wind, I shall have done no good, but if you both hold yourtongues for a short time, I think I may promise you to get rid ofCaptain To, his wife, and his pigs." We perceived the justice of hisobservation, and promised secrecy. The next morning the ship sailed forPlymouth, and Mrs To sent for the doctor, not being very well. Thedoctor prescribed for her, and I believe, on my conscience, made herworse on purpose. The illness of his wife, and his own fears, broughtCaptain To more than usual in contact with the doctor, of whom hefrequently asked his candid opinion, as to his own chance in a hotcountry.

  "Captain To," said the doctor, "_I_ never would have given my opinion,if you had not asked it, for I am aware, that, as an officer, you wouldnever flinch from your duty, to whatever quarter of the globe you may beordered; but, as you have asked the question, I must say, with your fullhabit of body, I think you would not stand a chance of living for morethan two months. At the same time, sir, I may be mistaken; but, at allevents, I must point out that Mrs To is of a very bilious habit, and Itrust you will not do such an injustice to an amiable woman, as topermit her to accompany you."

  "Thanky, doctor, I'm much obliged to you," replied the captain, turninground and going down the ladder to his cabin. We were then beating downthe channel; for, although we ran through the Needles with a fair wind,it fell calm, and shifted to the westward, when we were abreast ofPortland. The next day the captain gave an order for a very fine pig tobe killed, for he was out of provisions. Mrs To still kept her bed, andhe therefore directed that a part should be salted, as he could have nocompany. I was in the midshipman's berth, when some of them proposedthat we should get possession of the pig; and the plan they agreed uponwas as follows:--they were to go to the pen that night, and with aneedle stuck in a piece of wood, to prick the pig all over, and then rubgunpowder into the parts wounded. This was done, and although thebutcher was up a dozen times during the night to ascertain what made thepigs so uneasy, the midshipmen passed the needle from watch to watch,until the pig was well tattooed in all parts. In the morning watch itwas killed, and when it had been scalded in the tub, and the hair takenoff, it appeared covered with blue spots. The midshipman of the morningwatch, who was on the main-deck, took care to point out to the butcher,that the pork was _measly_, to which the man unwillingly assented,stating, at the same time, that he could not imagine how it could be,for a finer pig he had never put a knife into. The circumstance wasreported to the captain, who was much astonished. The doctor came in tovisit Mrs To, and the captain requested the doctor to examine the pig,and give his opinion. Although this was not the doctor's province, yet,as he had great reason for keeping intimate with the captain, heimmediately consented. Going forward, he met me, and I told him thesecret. "That will do," replied he; "it all tends to what we wish." Thedoctor returned to the captain, and said, "that there was no doubt butthat the pig was measly, which was a complaint very frequent on boardships, particularly in hot climates, where all pork became _measly_--onegreat reason for its there proving so unwholesome." The captain sent forthe first lieutenant, and, with a deep sigh, ordered him to throw thepig overboard; but the first lieutenant, who knew what had been donefrom O'Brien, ordered the _master's mate_ to throw it overboard: themaster's mate, touching his hat, said, "Ay, ay, sir," and took it downinto the berth, where we cut it up, salted one half, and the other wefinished before we arrived at Plymouth, which was six days from the timewe left Portsmouth. On our arrival, we found part of the convoy lyingthere, but no orders for us; and, to my great delight, on the followingday the _Diomede_ arrived, from a cruise off the Western Islands. Iobtained permission to go on board with O'Brien, and we once moregreeted our messmates. Mr Falcon, the first lieutenant, went down toCaptain Savage, to say we were on board, and he requested us to comeinto the cabin. He greeted us warmly, and gave us great credit for themanner in which we had effected our escape. When we left the cabin, Ifound Mr Chucks, the boatswain, waiting outside.

  "My dear Mr Simple, extend your flapper to me, f
or I'm delighted to seeyou. I long to have a long talk with you."

  "And I should like it also, Mr Chucks, but I'm afraid we have not time;I dine with Captain Savage to-day, and it only wants an hour ofdinner-time."

  "Well, Mr Simple, I've been looking at your frigate, and she's a beauty--much larger than the _Diomede_."

  "And she behaves quite as well," replied I. "I think we are two hundredtons larger. You've no idea of her size until you are on her decks."

  "I should like to be boatswain of her, Mr Simple; that is, with CaptainSavage, for I will not part with him." I had some more conversation withMr Chucks, but I was obliged to attend to others, who interrupted us. Wehad a very pleasant dinner with our old captain, to whom we gave ahistory of our adventures, and then we returned on board.