by Jaya Moon
Stopping off at the bathroom to get the Advil, I made it to the front room, downed two pills, and followed them with several gulps of water before I lay down and closed my eyes as nausea suddenly gripped me. Why had I drunk so much? I needed to move on with my life rather than drowning my sorrows over three men I hardly knew. It really was an overreaction to the situation.
How long had I known Tallow, Mox, and Abriel? A few days? What we’d shared had been an intense experience. After so long being alone, I shouldn’t be surprised I’d fallen so fast. And then there’d been talk about me being a Guardian, that one of my parents may have been. Of course I would have latched onto that. It was my way of feeling close to what I’d lost, but that didn’t mean it was true. It was a bit ridiculous how much of a connection I thought I had with them.
No man—and definitely not three—were worth getting that drunk over.
You’ve survived losing people and being alone before. You can do it again. I would return to what I knew best—my life of eat, work, sleep, and repeat, which had served me well for the last year.
The tapping started up again. I grabbed at my pillow, intending to clamp it over my head to muffle the sound, but in the same moment realized the noise wasn’t coming from the walls. Was it coming from near my window? The sound had a strangely rhythmic beat. A tap, tap, tap-tap-tap over and again, and it wasn’t coming from near my window. I realized something was tapping against the glass pane.
At that moment, my heart betrayed me again as it ached with possibilities I’d resolved to move on from. I swung out of bed and stumbled to the window. When I pulled back the curtain, it revealed a tawny owl standing on my windowsill. The owl peered up at me and blinked its warm toffee-colored eyes.
Tallow. My heart soared at the sight of him and just as quickly sank. I let go of the curtain and went back to my bed, threw myself onto it and yelled, “Go away.”
What did he want? I didn’t care. How dare he think he could turn up whenever he wanted and dictate when we saw each other. “You wanted me to go. I went!”
The tapping started up again. Tap all night. I don’t care. I’d drunk enough to sleep through anything.
Drunk…
Drinking…
The bar…
The guy in the alley…
The silhouette high in the sky I thought I’d seen!
Had Tallow been following me? Had he seen what I’d done?
“Have you been stalking me?” I pushed myself off the bed and went back to the window, wrenched open the curtain, and squatted down so we were face to face. “Why the hell are you following me?” I banged the windowpane with the flat of my hand. It startled him, and he flew off the sill, swooping down and disappearing.
The moment he went, I knew I wanted him back. If for nothing else than to answer my question. Had he been following me because he’d changed his mind? Did he regret sending me away? Did he hurt as much as I did? Did Mox? Possibly even Abriel?
Opening the window, I put my head out into the cold night air and shouted his name, hoping he’d still be close enough to hear. Nothing. I called out again. He’d gone. Of course he’d gone. “Don’t come back,” I yelled.
Tallow swooped out of nowhere, coming straight for me. I scrambled to one side of the window, falling on my backside as he glided in. At least, he tried to glide in. His wingspan was impressive, and although he brought his wings in toward his body so he became streamlined like a missile, they still caught on the edges of the window frame. In a flurry of feathers, he slammed into the floor and rolled a few times before coming to a stop. I waited for him to move. He didn’t.
Shit.
I scrambled over to him. As I got close, he transformed into his human form. There he lay, once again naked on my floor.
“Tallow?” Still he didn’t move. I put my hand to his bare shoulder and shook him. Was he breathing? I leaned over him, and his spruce and straw scent flooded my senses. “Tallow?”
His eyelids flicked open, and he blinked up at me, dazed. “Meghan?” He said my name in such a way, for a moment I forgot all the pain he’d caused me.
I leaned in closer to him, so close his breath felt warm on my face. He lifted his hand, cupped my cheek and stroked my jawline with his thumb. “Meghan.” He drew me close, so close his lips brushed against mine as he spoke my name for the second time. The yearning in his voice made every inch of me ache. I fought to keep tears at bay and failed.
His eyelids fluttered after my first tear splashed onto his face. When the second touched his skin, the fog of his gaze seemed to lift. His brow furrowed, and then his eyes narrowed. “You’re not going to the Eyrie.”
His words were like a slap. I pulled away fast from his touch. “That’s why you’re here?” I don’t know why my heart felt so heavy. I’d been stupid to expect anything different. “Fuck you, Tallow.” I pushed myself off the floor and went to the bathroom. Grabbing a towel, I balled it up, came back to the front room, and threw it at him with force. It hit him between the legs and he oomphed. I turned my back on him to be clear I wanted him to cover himself. More than that, I wanted him to leave.
“Promise me you won’t go.”
“Promise you?” I turned.
Tallow stood with the towel wrapped around his waist. He stared at me, emotionless, before he folded his arms across his chest. “Yes. Promise me.”
I wasn’t going to promise him a damn thing.
“Why have you been following me?” Did I want to know? But maybe his answer—some other cold remark to remind me he was an uncaring jerk—would finally put an end to all this.
Tallow opened his mouth then closed it, as though he had been about to say something and changed his mind. He cast his eyes toward the floor and raked his fingers through his hair. “I’m keeping you safe.”
“Safe? From what?” The Fallen? “What’s Abriel heard?”
Tallow stepped toward me, still raking his hair. “Nothing specific.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” What unspecific things had Abriel heard?
“They’ve been conducting sweeps of Heaven’s Gate, but—”
My heart hammered as my body flooded with adrenaline. My clutch! “Like they would if they’d found out someone tried to smuggle listening devices in there?” They had found them after I’d stupidly left my clutch in the cab Ray and I had taken to Heaven’s Gate. The emotions I’d experienced when the receptionist in the foyer had given it back to me without hesitation or interrogation, only smiles and upward inflections, returned. It had been too easy. Now I knew why.
“They do sweeps all the time. It’s a coincidence.”
“Coincidence?” Berron hadn’t mentioned anything about sweeps at Heaven’s Gate, but he had said the Eyrie was safe and made a show of how unsafe he felt outside my apartment. I’d thought he’d meant not safe for him. Maybe he’d meant for both of us. “You’re letting me wander around alone and clueless when at any minute the Fallen might turn up at my door?”
What Lucien had done to me, the heat like a hot blade being inserted into my mind as he’d tried to enrapture me, came back in a sickening wave. I wouldn’t go through that again. I couldn’t.
“You’re not alone.” Tallow’s eyes searched mine imploringly. “That’s why I’m following you. Any sign you’re in real danger and I’ll—”
“You’ll what?” I snapped, fighting my rising nausea. “Rescue me? I don’t want rescuing. I want to know I’m one hundred percent safe. Am I safe?”
Tallow responded with silence.
Of course he couldn’t give me the answer I needed.
My stomach lurched. I raced to the bathroom, crashed down onto my knees, and barely managed to sweep back my hair before I threw up in the toilet.
“Are you all right?”
I threw up again, then slumped back on the cold tiles.
“Meghan?” Tallow appeared in the bathroom doorway. I didn’t want him looking at me.
“No. I’m not all right. Can’t
you see that?”
“You. I—” He cut himself off short.
I hauled myself up off the floor, and as I rinsed my mouth I caught a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror, my black eyeliner and mascara smudged so badly I looked like a panda bear, my hair a mess, and Tallow there behind me pretending he cared.
I barged past him and went to the front window. He followed like I’d hoped he would. I pulled back the curtain. “I want you to go.”
He folded his arms across his chest again.
“And what are you going to do?”
Do? I’d leave. Get away. Go somewhere safe rather than trusting his assumption that the sweeps at Heaven’s Gate had been a coincidence. He was so determined to protect me on his terms—keep me out of his world—he refused to see what was happening right in front of him.
“I’m going to the Eyrie.” Where would be safer than with the kin and the head of their council?
“No, you’re not. Going there is more dangerous than staying here.”
“More dangerous.” There was no comparison between a meeting with his father and what I’d endured when Lucien had attempted to enrapture me. And who knew what they’d do to me if they caught me again. Maybe I’d end up on one of those floors in Heaven’s Gate Berron had mentioned where they took shifters and shifter sympathizers. What did they do there? I guessed there were ways other than enrapturement to extract information. My stomach churned with the thought. “I don’t care what you think. You lost all right to tell me what to do when you sent me away.”
“You’re makihng a mistake.”
“I’ve only made one mistake in my life.” Rescuing you.
The hidden message behind my words wasn’t lost on him. “Do you know why they want you there tomorrow?” I’d never heard him sound so angry.
“I don’t care.”
“You should. It’s an important night for all kin. There’ll be shifters from all over the region at the Eyrie. All the Council of Kin. My father doesn’t only want to discuss Savannah Dacore. He’s planning something, and the only reason he wants you there is because his plans involve you. If you can’t see that you’re stupid.”
“Stupid?” Is that what he thought of me? I might consider the things I did stupid sometimes, but he had no right to say I was stupid. “I’m doing what I need to do to watch out for myself, since I can’t rely on you. And I’m sick of you believing people can make me do things I don’t want to do. I can take care of myself. I’ve done it for two whole years, and from now on that’s what I intend to keep doing. Berron said the Eyrie’s safe. I believe him.”
“Safe for kin. Not safe for you.”
“So where is ‘safe’?” I spat the words at him. I didn’t want an answer. He didn’t care how I felt. He refused to even acknowledge my fear. You’re such a jerk. “Leave. Now.”
Tallow’s frown deepened before his eyes softened. He raked his hair with his fingers. “What if there’s an alternative? If I can get one of the communities of shifters to agree to take you in, will you go there instead?”
The last time he’d given me that option I’d said no, but that was because he’d also said we wouldn’t be able to see each other again. Now the prospect of going off somewhere far away from Tallow appealed to me. If this option made him stop harassing me I’d agree. “Fine. I’ll go pack some things.”
He pulled in a breath but didn’t say anything.
“What?”
“I can’t take you there right now. I’ll need to speak to their councils first.”
“What do you mean?” Why did he have to make everything so difficult? “You didn’t say anything about speaking to their councils the other time you brought this up.”
“Things have changed. I need to tell them…explain the risks.”
“Risks?”
“You’re not in danger now. You’ve got to believe me. But there’s always a possibility the Fallen might come looking for you.”
I almost laughed as I realized Tallow was grasping at straws. Why would any community of kin want me among them if at any minute their safety could be shattered? Back before I’d gone to Heaven’s Gate and faced Lucien things had been less complicated. I’d been some girl who had saved an owl and could possibly resist enrapturement. If I’d suddenly disappeared, there was a good chance the Fallen wouldn’t have come looking for me. But a girl found with tracking devices in her clutch? Tallow must have known a target like that on my back meant no shifter community would welcome me.
“So in the meantime, what do you want me to do? Sit here and hope for the best? Count on you or Mox or Abriel to be there for me when I need you?” I snorted a condescending laugh. “I’m going to the Eyrie.” I’d been invited there and knew Tallow’s father wouldn’t turn me away.
Tallow took two steps toward me, reached out as though he wanted to touch me before snatching his hand back.
“I’ll take you to my lodge.”
As soon as he said it, I knew the sentiment behind his words was what I’d wanted to hear from the moment he’d arrived in my apartment—that he wanted to be with me. If only he’d said it earlier, then, maybe, I wouldn’t have been so angry. “If you’re there, then no thanks.” I regretted how bitter my words sounded as they tumbled from my mouth. All I wanted was to return to that time and place where his world was new to me, and things seemed a whole lot less complicated. If I could, I’d replay the moment when Tallow and I had flown together and not let him pull away after the brief kiss we shared.
I wished I didn’t feel so drawn to him when the only thing he brought to my life was hurt. I didn’t understand why I was, but every moment we were together, all I wanted was for him to want me. The thought he didn’t made my heart ache in ways I wished it wouldn’t.
That’s what I should have said, but it was too late.
“You’ve made your feelings clear,” Tallow said sharply.
But I hadn’t. I hadn’t been clear at all.
The towel dropped from him as he transformed back into an owl. He flew up onto the windowsill and, without looking at me again, glided into the night.
4
Tallow
Tallow beat his wings against the air, each stroke heavy like his feathers were lead coated.
Why did she have to be so stubborn? Didn’t she know he was trying to protect her?
Her bitter words tore at his heart. He wanted to circle back, return to her apartment, say all the things he should have said, starting with the words that had filled his mind when he’d seen her beautiful face staring down at him as he lay on her floor. I know I should stay away from you, but I can’t.
From the moment he’d met her, she had filled his mind and made his heart soar. The thought of being without her turned his life into a meaningless void. Yet in her presence he battled a raging storm. His desire to protect her made him act in ways that had no chance of conveying how every part of him yearned to experience her; to gaze into her eyes, green like the forest he called home; and feel her cherry-kissed lips against his. He wanted to be with her in the ways he knew Mox had, and know her in the way Mox now did.
Instead, he’d pushed her away.
Abriel had told him about the security sweeps at Heaven’s Gate and assured him Meghan wasn’t in any immediate danger. Still, he’d used it as an excuse to see her again, if only from a distance, to reassure himself Abriel hadn’t miscalculated the threat.
Then he saw her with that man. It had taken a world of restraint not to swoop down and scratch that bastard’s eyes out in the alley. He and Mox had a history of knowing the same women intimately; a stranger, however, had been another thing. But he knew he had no right to feel that way.
Seeing Meghan in the alley, that man’s lips and hands in the places he wanted his to be, he’d reminded himself he had no claim over her.
As he’d followed her staggering home, he’d sworn to let her go.
Then he’d seen her with Berron. She might have been safe from the Fallen, at least for t
he time being, but that danger was real.
He’d intended to speak with her calmly, and in his dazed moment on her floor with his need to do everything to protect her clouded, he’d glimpsed a perfect life. One where his overwhelming need to protect her didn’t get in the way of what his heart wanted.
He should have kissed her.
Instead…
Her fear had been evident to him from the moment he mentioned what had happened at Heaven’s Gate. If he could do it all over again, he’d have said the words that had been in his heart from the moment he’d arrived—I want to take you to my lodge—rather than letting her believe he didn’t care how she felt.
By the time he’d fought away his need to protect her and found the courage to give her a glimpse of his true feelings, it had been too late.
She hated him.
He hated himself.
And now she would put herself in danger again, all because he couldn’t tell her what lay in his heart.
5
I stood at the window for a long time.
When Tallow left, I experienced the true meaning of the word numb. I stared out my apartment window. No thoughts. No feelings. I didn’t even know what I was looking at.
Even in the darkest days of my life, when my family died, there were emotions attached to it. Confusion and disbelief. Overwhelming grief and anger. And blame. I’d blamed myself for being the one to live when they all died. There were times I’d thought I’d experienced numbness, but it was clear to me as I stood at my window; I’d had no real understanding of the word.
I eventually turned off the apartment lights and climbed into my bed. I thought I might sleep. Instead, I stared at the window, still open, the curtain illuminated from the streetlights and rippling in the light breeze.
Only when I heard a creak on the landing outside my apartment door did I finally feel something. At first hope. Could it be Tallow? But no, he’d use the window. Then fear. What Tallow had said about the sweeps at Heaven’s Gate came crashing back to me, and I sat upright fast.
