Can't Touch This

by Pepper Winters

  Everything else went to those who couldn’t ask for help.

  I sighed heavily. “And there you have my stupid secret.” Pushing the trolley, I wheeled past him, taking my shame and doing my best to wrap it up with pride. I was proud of what I did. I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t find some selfish pleasure in arriving at the shelter with my car full of goodies and giving to those hopelessly adorable strays.

  But I had enough grief from my parents telling me how stupid I was. I’d made the mistake of opening a new credit card and listing their address for delivery. A statement had been posted and, because my parents didn’t believe in privacy, they’d opened it.

  And the shit hit the fan.

  I lived pay cheque to pay cheque and because it wasn’t enough to donate what I wanted, I lived on credit.

  Along with my student loans and start-up business debt, I was not in a good place.

  And it was my moronic fault.

  But if I didn’t do it, how many lives would’ve been lost if I didn’t share what I had?

  That question kept me awake far too often.

  The one and only time I’d tried to stop—to avoid my weekly donation and feed myself some better food and turn the heaters on higher in winter—I just couldn’t do it. The guilt was far stronger at not helping than the guilt at burying myself under bills.

  Polly, bless her heart, had joined me in my quest for donating. While we studied at university together, we even pooled our meagre part-time wages from the local supermarket into buying what we could. If it wasn’t for her, I probably wouldn’t even have my crappy apartment. She’d been the co-leaser as my income wasn’t enough to secure it, even though she had her own place.

  God, I’ve screwed up my life.

  Suddenly, hands landed on my shoulders, twirled me around, and heavy arms enveloped me.

  I stood frozen as the best man I knew bear hugged me in the middle of the doggy dress-up aisle. For a moment, I didn’t move, then my arms returned the embrace, my hands linking behind his back and squeezing so damn hard.

  My cheek pressed against his chest, his heartbeat loud in my ear. His chin rested on my skull as he clutched me tighter and tighter.

  But it wasn’t the tightness, or the way he held me that made tears pool in my eyes. It was the depth in which we stood. It felt as if we were the only ones in an ocean of sensation and unspoken emotion. Something tethered me to him. Something strong and undeniable and foreign but familiar.

  This wasn’t just a hug.

  This was a transmission of everything living between us that hadn’t found the courage to be voiced.

  Before I could pinpoint exactly what the hug meant and decipher the hidden message in the way we clung to each other, Ryder pulled away and kissed me.

  His lips claimed mine, switching the potent hug into a sensual lip dance. By the time the kiss ended, I was slightly breathless and holding onto his hip bones for support.

  Resting his forehead against mine, he murmured, “What am I going to do with you, Vesper Fairfax?”

  I was sick of the heaviness of the evening. I wanted fun again. I didn’t want to worry about my negative bank balance. I didn’t want to feel unworthy when I had nothing but debt to offer this man.

  When Ryder was in my world, I could breathe and focus on living rather than worry about tomorrow. “I would like to know that too, Ryder Carson. After all, you have full permission to do whatever you want to me tonight. You guessed my secret.”

  “Your secret will be cherished and never repeated.” He kissed me again. Pulling away, his smile turned into a grin, guiding me back into the light-hearted games we played. “And you’re right. I have full authority to do whatever I want to you tonight. You better be prepared.”

  I matched his smile, letting go and floating free. “Any hints?”

  “Let’s just say, I hope you’re horny.”

  “All the time when I’m around you.”

  “In that case, tonight is gonna be super fun.” His gaze darkened. “And hot. And fucking downright sinful.”

  I shivered. “Come on…one little hint.”

  “Nope.” Letting me go, he gathered another couple of collars: a red and orange one, the pink one I’d admired, and a baby blue with silver stars on the band before dropping them into the trolley with a mismatch of leads. “Might as well stock up on a few supplies for my own doggy day care while we’re here.”

  Winking, he walked away. “Although, you never know who else might need collaring tonight for being such a naughty girl.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

  ---------------------

  Ryder

  THE IN-PROGESS MANSION LOOMED FROM the darkness.

  Vesper sat quietly beside me, the crinkling of shopping bags perched in the back making a noise as we bounced over pot-holes in the driveway.

  I hadn’t asked if she wanted to come home with me.

  I hadn’t enquired if she’d rather go back to her place.

  I was driving. Therefore, I was in control.

  I didn’t believe that nonsense, of course, but something had happened in the store and it wasn’t just the hug or heart-twisting confession.

  Damn David was right.

  I felt things when I hugged her.

  I felt things from myself and from her. I wasn’t ready to figure out what it all meant yet but I could admit that whatever affection I had for Vesper—it had increased a thousand fold.

  Not because of the stupid hug.

  But because of her admission. Because of her embarrassment and shame caused by people who didn’t understand what made her go above and beyond. She couldn’t even find joy in her donations because every time she did she heard the doom and gloom from others.

  It was a shitty situation to be in.

  Guilty if she does.

  Guilty if she doesn’t.

  I felt so fucking sorry for her and wanted to do anything I could to help—not as a charity case but because I wanted this woman in my life and I needed her to be happy.

  When we first met, I knew she was selfless when it came to vet services. She undercharged me on every single operation and consultation. She gave me medicine and ointments at cost price. She was more interested in making sure the animal was pain free than what her accounting looked like.

  It was reckless.

  Idiotic to be so giving.

  The human race were notorious takers and she would be taken advantage of until she had nothing left to give. As much as I understood her drive, I also didn’t want her to fall into financial ruin. One day a few months ago, I’d even seen her help out a stray cat that no one claimed and neutered it free of charge so it could be rehomed easily.

  That sort of dedication went above and beyond a career.

  Now I understood why she had no clothes in her wardrobe and no food in her fridge.

  Money.

  The little she had she gave to those creatures in need.

  Pulling to a stop outside the main veranda, I turned the key and the engine quieted. We sat there in silence for a second or two before I raked both hands through my hair and shot her a smile. I had a lot more questions and we had to discuss it. But not tonight. “I didn’t really give you a choice, but I hope you’re okay spending the night with me?”

  Vesper tilted her chin. “Depends if you have running water or not. I have work tomorrow and need a shower to wake up. Plus, dog’s have keen sense of smell. I can’t stink for their sake.”

  “I doubt you stink.”

  She huffed. “Girl’s stink just like boys.”

  “I’ll take your word for it.” I laughed.

  “So? My answer hinges on your ability to provide basic facilities.”

  “Well, that works in my favour as my foreman assured me the plumber finished his duties this afternoon. Showers, baths, and any other aquatic activity should be no problem whatsoever.”

  “In that case, I’ll stay.” She smiled. “I don’t want to come across as a sex hungry diva but I pa
cked my scrubs and fresh underwear with my toothbrush in my handbag, just in case you pulled a stunt like this.”

  I chuckled. “I don’t know if I should be happy for your forward thinking, your ability to second guess my next move, or horrified I came across as such a sure thing.”

  “Oh, you’re a sure thing, all right.”

  I lowered my voice. “What does that make you?”

  “Just as easy?”

  “Not easy.” Taking her hand resting in her lap, I kissed her knuckles. “How about hot for me? Just like I’m hot for you.”

  “That works.” She added in a husky whisper, “I truly am hot for you, Ry. You do things to me.”

  “I’ve done a few things to you but I have plenty more to try out.”

  “Promises, promises.” She mimicked me, bringing my hand to her mouth and kissing my knuckles. The sensation of her lips on my skin made me almost jerk her across the gear shift and sink inside her.

  “Not just promises. A few dirty things will be done tonight. You have my word.”

  “What are we still doing sitting in the car then?” Her hand moved to the door handle. “Let me out and do dirty things to me.”

  “Your wish is my command, my sexy little vet.” Letting her go, I opened the car door and leapt out. Slamming it home, I headed to her side and gave her my hand again to balance.

  Once she’d unfolded gracefully from the bronze coloured Mustang, she whispered, “By the way, you’re not easy to predict your next move. I’ve been trying to guess what you’ll do the entire drive here, but I’m stumped.”

  “That I am happy about.” I grinned, tucking her palm in the crook of my elbow and escorting her up the steps and through the front door. I didn’t bother locking it. I probably should with the priceless chandeliers and countless workmen tools, but if anyone wanted to rob the place, all they’d have to do is rip off one of the plywood boards haphazardly placed over already broken windows or just pry open some other rickety part of the house.

  Locks were useless on this thing.

  “Are you going to tell me or do you want me to die of anticipation?”

  Wrapping my arm around her shoulders, I corralled her through the foyer, around the pyramid of paint buckets, and over a dust sheet protecting the parquet floors in the lounge. “I don’t want you dying. That would be very inconvenient.”

  “Inconvenient for the zoo you collect or the greedy thing in your trousers?”

  Inconvenient for my heart.

  “Both.” I smirked. “And other reasons that won’t be discussed tonight.”

  “Oh, so secretive.” Her teeth glowed in the dimmed lights above. “I’m not a girl who likes secrets—see evidence of spilling mine—so spit it out.”

  “Okay, secret number one.” Marching her toward the couch, I pushed her into the soft cushions. “You’re to sit here while I go make us a drink.”

  She immediately tried to stand. “Let me help you.”

  “No chance. I want you to relax. Tonight, I’m waiting on you for a change.”

  “Okay…” She eyed me dubiously as I back-stepped from the lounge into the kitchen that was now visible thanks to the dividing wall being removed. Wires still dangled from the ceiling from where we’d cut some of the electrics.

  Scar appeared, rousing from his bed beneath the dining room table. He wheezed his way toward Vesper. The poor dog was worse for wear with his war wounds and laboured breathing but he had a death grip on life and hadn’t kicked the bucket yet.

  I still managed his pain every day, doing everything I could to grant him happiness.

  The moment she saw him, Vesper slid off the couch and kneeled on the floor. The ex-fighter immediately clambered onto her lap, licking her chin.

  My heart melted at the scene.

  Goddammit, this woman just got to me. She did things to my body, my soul, my mind. Having her sitting on my furniture, drinking my alcohol, eating my food, and hugging my pets…it just made me want it forever.

  I wanted to provide for her.

  I wanted to care for her like she cared for so many others.

  Clearing my throat, I turned away. And to stop myself declaring all sorts of stupid things, locking the doors so she couldn’t leave, and getting on my knee to ask her a question far, far too soon to ask, I left drink arranging for the moment and headed back out to the car.

  Leaping down the porch steps, I opened the back door and grabbed the bag with dog and cat toys.

  The idea I had for tonight was naughty. I had no idea if Vesper would be in to it. Normally, there was no way in hell I would risk asking. But she was different.

  We were different.

  Different was good.

  And if she wasn’t into it, then no big deal. At least we were honest with each other and adult enough to respect each other’s opinions.

  Listen to me.

  Adult and compromise and marriage.

  Those words were a different language to me a few weeks ago; now they were firmly implanted in my brain.

  What the hell are you doing to me, Vesper?

  Heading back into the kitchen, I poured her a vodka pineapple and myself a cold pilsner and carried the bag and beverages back to the lounge.

  Hippo had joined the duo on the floor.

  The first time the pigmy pig went near Scar, I’d been petrified. I wasn’t too proud to admit my balls clenched at the thought of the killing machine tearing into my pet piglet like she was honey smoked bacon.

  But by some miracle I couldn’t understand, Scar didn’t make a move to hurt her. He’d growled, no doubt wondering what the hell she was, but after one truffle nudge from Hippo he’d shut up and deemed her worthy enough to be his friend.

  I couldn’t explain it.

  And if I was honest, I didn’t trust him with her. Not after the sort of life he’d lived. But at the same time, I couldn’t lock him up and Hippo had free range of the house. The only concession I’d done was put a bell on her purple collar so I could hear if she went near him and keep watch.

  Vesper looked up. “This pig is the most adorable thing I’ve seen.”

  “Don’t let her fool you. She’s a mastermind at manipulation.”

  “She sounds like Visa.”

  “They’d probably plan a world take over if they ever met.”

  She laughed. “True enough. Let’s hope they never do. We don’t want pigs and cats ruling us.”

  I hope they do meet.

  Because that would mean she’d moved in with me and the damn cat would be my permanent house guest—bloody knuckles or not.

  Passing Vesper her drink, I purposely kept the bag tucked down the side of the couch so she didn’t see it. Even though I was willing to put my neck on the proverbial chopping block, it didn’t mean I’d stopped doubting how she’d feel about this. But then again, look at how adaptable she was.

  I mean, shit—we were hanging out in a rundown building surrounded by a killer dog and a beloved pig. That shit was different in anyone’s book.

  Vesper took a sip of her drink, looking over her shoulder where I sat behind her on the couch while Scar kept her locked on the ground. “Tasty. What’s in it?”

  “Your poison of choice.”

  “How do you know my poison of choice?”

  I smirked. “I cleaned your kitchen for you, remember? While you were sick? I noticed three different vodkas in your cupboard: apple, kiwifruit, and strawberry but no wine or beer or other liquor.” I chuckled. “And so, with the powers of infinite deduction, I came to the conclusion you must drink the Russian’s favourite and bought some for your next visit.”

  “Wow, I’m impressed.” She smiled softly. “What else do you already know about me that I thought I kept a secret?”

  “Probably quite a lot.” I took a swig of beer, not mentioning the fact that I now understood why she had no clothes, hand-me-down furniture, and a shitty car. In fact, her only splurge was the vodka and who the hell knew how old those bottles were in her cupboard
.

  I wouldn’t bring up the fact that she was irresponsible with her money because her reasons behind it sucker-punched me in the gut and made me feel so unworthy.

  I helped animals. I sheltered them. I protected them. But what did I give them that I couldn’t already afford to give?

  Nothing.

  It was thanks to my parents that I was able to do this and their stipulation that I do but if I was like Vesper and living below the poverty line, would I still be so damn selfless?

  I wanted to know so I could look myself in the mirror and be proud of myself. I also didn’t want to know because I was afraid I wouldn’t have a satisfactory answer.

  “Sorry, I don’t have fancy surround sound or a completed fire to make the mood more romantic.” I pointed at the colossal marble fireplace I’d recently finished restoring. “That thing will be a beast once the chimney is rebuilt.”

  “Rebuilt?”

  I nodded.

  “The chimney fell down?” Her gaze flickered to the cavernous hole just waiting for cheery logs to burn in ambiance.

  “Yes, decades of bird nests and no maintenance meant the mortar crumbled away. I’m guessing in one of the high winds, the bricks just gave up and toppled. It’s on my to do list this week.”

  “You juggle a lot of things.” She sipped again. “Dog care, house maintenance, perfect boyfriend.”

  My heart fisted. “Say that again.”

  “Dog care—”

  I bent over, stroking her hair. “No, the boyfriend part.”

  Her eyes glowed. “Ah, you want positive acknowledgement that we’re a thing now?”

  “A thing?”

  “Two consenting adults agreeing to spend allotted amounts of times together in a fun and mutually enjoyable way.”

  My gaze dropped on her blouse. “Did you pack a dictionary in your bra? Is that the current Webster’s definition?”