Teresa: Everybody Loves Large Chests (Vol.5)

by Neven Iliev

  “So, Teresa. You’ve been awfully quiet.”

  “I just… I had no idea… Do the others have to deal with all this as well?”

  “Mmm, let’s just say you aren’t the first to have your judgment clouded by thought-poisoning. The Beyond typically does a good job of keeping you lot from going off the rails, but you’re definitely a special case. Seems like your default nature just makes you more susceptible to that sort of thing, and your rash actions only made things worse. I mean, do you understand what repercussions resurrecting your Hero even had?”

  “… It was perceived as a miracle, wasn’t it? I mean, so many people rallied behind him and… and…”

  The Goddess paused for a few seconds, seemingly lost in thought.

  “I gave a bunch of bad people a very convenient pawn, didn’t I, Norwell?”

  “Yup. If it wasn’t for the Hero’s testimony and heavily publicized grief, then this war wouldn’t have happened, and your condition wouldn’t have gotten worse. It goes beyond that, though. How many thousands of people do you think cursed your name while thinking ‘Why him and not my husband?’ or some such envious notion?”

  “I see… It seems I have a lot to think about. Excuse me.”

  The Goddess rose to her shaky feet and slowly walked off into the distance. Jimmy gave an approving nod of his frying pan and parked his beehive on the sofa. Meanwhile, Kora laid her massive self down behind him to get a good view of the screen the Boxxy Show was on.

  “So, uh, how long until the bitch is healed and I get to get out of here?” she asked after a few minutes.

  “Hard to say. Detoxing her is the easy part and should be over with in another two days or so, after which I can move onto step three.”

  “Why not just yank all the demons out of her in one go?”

  Romney’s ‘detox’ method put a lot of strain on Teresa’s divine spark – the manifestation of her followers’ combined faith and the equivalent to her soul. And while it couldn’t be truly destroyed so long as people worshipped her and all she stood for, ripping all the corruption out by force could have serious repercussions if handled poorly. Teresa could potentially go mad, lose her memories, or become a completely different divine being altogether. Worst case scenario, she might be unable to re-establish the bond with her divine area and be rendered completely powerless, leaving her substantial following in turmoil.

  “Because there’s a right and a wrong way to go about things.”

  However, such an explanation would have probably gone way over Kora’s head, so he simplified it for her benefit.

  “Okay, but do you seriously need me here to do it? You can probably keep her from acting up without me, right?

  “Oh no, your presence here is very much instrumental. You do realize you demons are the only ones with the power to mess with divine beings on a spiritual level, right? Why do you think demonkind has things like a hierarchy and a military to begin with? It’s so that you can be used to directly oppose a God should they become a danger to the world.”

  “So we’re god-killers?!”

  “Uhm, sure, why not.”

  “Nice!”

  Friedrich just couldn’t bring himself to correct Kora’s misunderstanding after seeing her face so full of excitement and expectation. He still thought of demons as his children and grandchildren, so he was understandably a bit soft on them. A feeling which, for the most part, they returned, as all demons treated him with the respect and adoration a father deserves. It was also why Zeratul found it so difficult to tell any of them why he knew such countermeasures were necessary. There used to be a time when Michael didn’t have a righteous Goddess of Truth and Justice to keep him honest. A time when he was still a God of Order on a world far removed from Terrania. A place that didn’t have ‘god-killers’ to stop him, and as a result had so much ‘order’ inflicted on it that it was left as a barren, lifeless rock.

  No child should have to think about taking up arms against their own parent, so the elder deity kept a firm seal on that secret.

  All things considered, Kyle was quite thankful his unwitting savior started responding more positively to the ongoing rehabilitation. By the time phase two of the program was complete, she was behaving much more reasonably. She no longer thrashed about wildly and willingly accepted whatever aid was given to her. She stopped recreating her garments and was getting used to going around completely naked, proving she took the God of Uncertainty’s words to heart. She even started blindfolding herself as an embodiment of the notion that Justice was blind. The strip of black cloth didn’t actually block her eyesight, but the symbolism was the important part.

  However, as expected, she had difficulty completing step three. Letting go of her more questionable convictions to once again become a pure Goddess was easier said than done. The detox sessions helped, but she needed to completely reject her treacherous side and once again embrace Truth and Justice with her whole being. If not, then she would end up relapsing within a year. Therefore, until her own divine area reached out and connected to her while inside Yuri’s place, she wouldn’t be allowed to resume her duties. Progress was steadily being made as Teresa displayed more and more of the characteristics Nigel remembered from before.

  On the eighth day of her rehabilitation, however, the God of Unforeseen Consequences ran into an obstacle that really rustled his jimmies.

  “Myself-damn it, Teresa!” he yelled. “How many times do I need to say this?! You can’t play favorites with your Hero like that!”

  “Why not?!” insisted the naked, blindfolded Goddess. “I already swore on my own name I would not coddle them in an overprotective manner!”

  She had already proven that she had completely given up on spreading lies, either by speaking them or by withholding the truth. Meaning that wasn’t just some boast, but her true, honest intentions. However, they weren’t enough.

  “That’s not the point! You can’t just pick and choose which parts of the process you want to adhere to! Heroes need to be chosen primarily on ability, potential, and strength of character. Looks, gender, or race should not be the defining factor!”

  “And this coming from a spinning eggplant who chose a shapeshifter as their Hero? Don’t think I’ve forgotten you have a soft spot for their ilk!”

  “Look, this and that are completely unrelated.”

  “Uh-huh. You do know my bullshit detector still works, right?”

  “Oh, for the love of H̸̢i̴̕̕͜g̸̨͘͟͟g̀҉̵̛s̡̀͟͜͡ ҉̨b҉̶̧҉o͟͏s̷̢̨̨͟o̧̢n͏̸͝! Look, I chose my Hero by picking a creature that showed extraordinary potential to bring about change in the world. It’s just that Boxxy coincidentally happens to be a talented shapeshifter!”

  “Then all Heroes of the Hammer just ‘coincidentally’ happen to be blond, blue-eyed human boys!”

  “Uuuugh…”

  Taylor leaned back into her sofa cushion with another groan while Teresa stood indignantly opposite him. Technically their size difference meant she was more ‘above’ than ‘in front’ of him, but that was beside the point. The still super-sized Kora lazed about nearby. Not only was she completely and utterly bored out of her skull, but she also grew increasingly annoyed at this never-ending quarrel. Holstein told her to keep her thick head out of this part of the rehabilitation, but there was only so much endless bitching she could tolerate.

  Therefore, the archfiend decided to bypass any sense of good judgment and injected herself into the conversation with as much style and finesse as a boulder crashing into a greenhouse.

  “Uh, Chief?” she called out. “Remind me again why bitch-tits over there is so stuck on pretty boys?”

  “I have a name, creature!” complained the Goddess. “You will address me by it or not at all!”

  “She has it stuck in her head that she needs a husband,” explained Fargo while marvelously ignoring ‘bitch-tits.’ “And, according to her, the best way to find one is through the Hero system.”

  “Riiiight,” sai
d Kora with a grimace. “Can’t I just stick it in her pooper instead?”

  “Koralenteprix, we’ve been over this. That is not going to help, especially not when she’s in such a volatile state.”

  “Tch. Well, was worth a shot,” the demon shrugged.

  “… I’m sorry, but what does she mean by ‘stick it in her pooper?’” asked Teresa suddenly.

  “She means anal sex, Teresa. What else could she possibly mean?! No, wait, don’t answer that.”

  The Goddess craned her neck sideways and crossed her arms in confusion.

  “But that doesn’t make any sense. Is she talking about fisting or something?”

  “I said don’t answer that!”

  “No, you dumb twat!” shouted Kora while standing up. “I’m talking ‘bout m’dick!”

  “… What?”

  Grunting in frustration, the demon rose to her feet, lifted up the front tail of her armored kilt, let her fully erect member flop out of her body, and pointed to it with four of her hands.

  “This!”

  “Oh, my!” exclaimed Teresa, while covering her blushing cheeks with her hands. “I-I-I had no idea! You, uhm… certainly have an imp- *Gulp* an impressive set there…”

  She clearly had no idea that female fiends were also packing down there, and the revelation was made all the more shocking by Kora’s clearly aroused state. Her raging lust was a natural result of the demon staring at and rubbing against the Goddess’s naked, womanly body for a week straight. Between that and the inability to exercise her Pierre-given might, she was so frustrated that she felt she could burst at any moment, in more ways than one.

  “Wait, what do you mean ‘set?’” the demon muttered in confusion.

  She then looked down at her genital situation for the first time since her Rank Up.

  “Ooooooooh. No wonder I felt a bit weird down there!”

  It would appear her ‘promotion’ to archfiend had actually given her not one, but two extra horns – one on her head and another between her legs. Indeed, standing at full mast and lightly pulsing with pent-up lust was a duet of throbbing rods. The demon gently poked her newly discovered genitalia with a finger, causing her to shudder a bit.

  “Damn, son!” she exclaimed. “Chief! You gotta let me try these puppies out! Please! Let me boink the bitch! Like for real, I’m begging you here!”

  “For the last time!” roared Dilbert. “This vulgarity will not-””

  “Uhm… Jasper?”

  Teresa’s sudden interruption cut off the God of Randomness before he went into full-on nagging mode.

  “I, err… I’m not supposed to lie anymore so… can I just say that, well… I wouldn’t be, uhm, entirely opposed to that…”

  “… You’re kidding me,” muttered Nikolay.

  “See, Chief? She’s up for it too!”

  “No! This is idiotic!”

  “I mean, not for nothing Chief, but weren’t you the one that kept saying she just needs to get laid?”

  “I was just- Haaaah,” he sighed, then looked back at the fidgeting Goddess. “You’re sure you wanna go through with this?”

  Blushing with an intense red that gave Kora’s crimson complexion a run for her money, Teresa nodded twice in response. Ivan began huffing, puffing, murmuring, and even sprinkled his donuts a few times as he actually considered it. He posited that, perhaps, the best way to address his patient’s stubbornness regarding her Hero criteria was to alleviate the core issue. Namely, the repressed sexuality of her entire religion. He still had serious doubts about this moronically direct approach, but he had to try something.

  “… If this works I am literally going to lose my shit,” he mumbled to himself. “Fine! Have at it!”

  Exactly 11 hours, 42 minutes and 25 seconds later, every Paladin, Priest, and Monk of Chaos in existence suddenly and simultaneously defecated in their respective undergarments

  Afterword

  Well, that was a bit of a trip, wasn’t it? I hope you found my take on gods, divinity, and faith to be satisfying, or at the very least interesting. I always found it silly how, in other media, gods apparently turn evil for no particular reason other than the author/writer needed them to be. I also found it stupid that gods could be straight up murdered. Come on, these are divine beings we’re talking about. Demigods? Avatars? Sure, I can accept those being killed, but you shouldn’t be able to defeat the full package through force alone. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that deicide isn’t badass, or that it can’t be a good storytelling element, but it’s often done poorly in my opinion.

  Then there’s the whole doppelganger mafia subplot. We’ll be seeing more of them and the powers behind them in the next volume. I figure the Republic has plenty of shady shenanigans going on for sure, so I feel it only right to slap them around a bit after bullying the Empire for so long. Expect a bit more intrigue and subterfuge than just ploughing through faceless goons. Another deity is also going to make a major appearance, though it will be in an entirely different manner.

  Next installment will deal with Kora’s new situation as well. Hopefully, that’ll be fun for you peeps to read. Might seem strange that she was the one to Rank Up first instead of Xera or Drea, and that it probably felt a bit forced, but it’s what made sense at the time. The other two will get their turn in the limelight eventually, of course. That said, I won’t dwell too much on the demons. They’ll have their moments, but this is primarily Boxxy’s story, and as such will remain the primary focus of the series. It will have plenty of new and hopefully entertaining opportunities to develop, grow, learn, and amass shiny things.

  So, as per usual, see you in the next one. Toodles!