Into the Dark (Until Dawn, Book 3)

by J. N. Baker

  “And you thought that was me?” His words held an accusatory tone.

  He knew.

  “At first,” I told the floor.

  “And after?”

  “I…I don’t know.”

  “Dammit, Zoe!” Alec roared. “You thought they were talking about him, didn’t you?”

  “No!” I snapped back. Liar. “I don’t know!”

  He charged me, shoving me against the stone wall, not unlike Dream Josh had. “I told you he was distracting you,” Alec said through clenched teeth, one finger jabbing into the sunburst on my breastbone. “I told you it was going to get you or someone else killed. I fucking told you!”

  His words were like a cold slap to the face. “I didn’t get them killed,” I whispered, my words barely audible over Alec’s seething. Tears stung at the backs of my eyes, making them burn. “I tried to get to them…”

  Alec took a step back, his shoulders rising and falling with his heavy breaths. “I know,” he finally said, his voice a little softer. “I believe you about the shadow creature. I believe it kept you from the fight…and that it likely saved your life by doing so.”

  Did he though? Did I?

  “But what about next time?” he went on to say. “And the time after that? Clearly you don’t care about your own safety, but what about someone else’s? Can you live with yourself if—no, when—it does get someone killed?”

  Could I? That was a hard no. But I wouldn’t let it come to that. I would make sure no one ever died because of me again. I was stronger than Alec thought. I was one of the Chosen, I had ascended. I was surely strong enough to handle this. Right?

  Your grief weakens you.

  “It won’t happen again,” I bit out, remembering the shadow creature’s words.

  “You’re right,” he said calmly. “Because you’re going to talk to Annie about erasing him from your mind.”

  “Alec, I—”

  He held up his hand, stopping me. “I’m no longer asking, Zoe. I need you to do this for me. For us.” Alec blew out a breath and, with it, the last of his anger. It washed away until only the hurt remained. It pained me to know I was the one who’d caused that hurt. “I won’t lose you. If you love me at all, you will do this.”

  And I did love him, truly I did. But I couldn’t help but wonder, did I love him enough to erase the memory of Josh?

  What the hell was wrong with me? I shook the horrible thought from my head, meeting Alec’s golden stare. He loved me. He truly loved me. He knew the wretched monster I was and still he loved me. And how did I repay him? By living in the past with another man. I didn’t fucking deserve him.

  Josh was gone, and whatever was or wasn’t between us, was gone with him. I knew deep down that Alec was right. We were standing at the end of the world and Baldric was just waiting to strike us down. I had to keep my head on straight, at least until he was destroyed. If I didn’t move forward, if the past still clouded my mind, it would likely put me and all those around me in danger. And Josh wouldn’t want that. He wouldn’t want me to spend eternity grieving his loss until it bled me dry.

  But would he want me to forget him?

  “Okay.” I hadn’t realized I’d said the word out loud until Alec was pulling me into his arms. He wrapped me in his warm embrace, a sharp contrast to the icy room that only seemed to be growing colder.

  “Thank you,” he whispered into my hair, kissing my forehead.

  I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t find my voice. So, I just nodded into his chest.

  Alec was right for me. I’d known that. Hell, even Josh had known that. We were the same, he and I. Monsters.

  Maybe it was time to let go of the past.

  I hated that Alec was right. Absolutely hated it. But I had to move on. I couldn’t spend the rest of who knew how many years living in the past. The fight was here, now. And if something happened—when it happened—I had to be completely focused. A hell of a lot more than I’d been on the hunt. If I weren’t, it could mean the lives of my people. More of my people.

  It’d been six months and still the grief was ever-present; the pain just as raw as it had been the night Josh died. Even now, I was consumed with thoughts of him. If I were honest with myself, he was always on my mind. And that was becoming a problem. So, I’d put on my big girl panties and do what had to be done.

  Maybe.

  I walked down the narrow corridor, trying to put as much space between Alec and me as humanly—or inhumanly—possible. My eyes scanned each open door in search of Annie. Knowing that kind-hearted social butterfly, she could have been anywhere. I needed to find her. I wanted to talk to her before Alec got the chance. Didn’t want him going off and asking her to wipe any other memories while she was in there, like of a certain orange tabby he wasn’t too fond of.

  “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” a gravelly male voice hissed. The voice came from a room two doors down. The door was ajar. I tiptoed toward it.

  “I’m not a damn kid anymore, Rhett,” a second voice—James—said. “Stop treating me like one.”

  “Then don’t act like one,” Rhett clapped back. “You need to use your damn head before you go off and lose it.”

  I paused just outside the room, peeking in to find the two brothers toe-to-toe. Rhett was red in the face. If I wasn’t mistaken, the man was contemplating taking his younger brother over his knee.

  “It’ll be—”

  “Don’t you dare say ‘fine,’” the older brother warned. “He’ll fucking kill you if he finds out. Watch yourself.”

  Rhett all but ran into me as he stormed out of the room.

  “Oh, great,” he scoffed. “It’s you. What do you want? Want to get another one of my shifts killed?”

  “Brock is fine,” I bit out. At least, I thought he was. Hopefully he still had his precious dick. Last I heard, that was his biggest concern. Typical man.

  “And he almost wasn’t, no thanks to your lot,” Rhett retorted. “I should have been included in the hunt plans and you damn well know it.”

  “Take it up with Ryuu,” I said before thinking. My breath caught. Never did I think there’d be a world without him in it.

  To my surprise, Rhett’s hard eyes softened. They almost looked…compassionate. “I’m sorry for your loss,” he finally said. “It is never easy to lose one of your own. Unfortunately, it doesn’t get any easier.”

  All I could do was nod.

  James stepped out of the room, hitting the brakes when he saw me. “I was just about to go back to Jade. Is everything okay?”

  Back to Jade? Ever her damn shadow. “Yeah,” I said, finding my voice. “I was just looking for Annie.”

  Rhett tossed James a look before stomping off down the hallway. “If you need anything, let me know, Lady Zoe,” he called over his shoulder. Despite the condescending tone, I got the impression the offer was still sincere.

  “You’re looking for Annie?” James said, pulling my attention back to his handsome face. The guy really had filled out nicely. Those blessed shift genes. “Last I saw her, she was headed to the medical chamber to help Slo. I’m guessing that’s where you’ll find her.”

  So like Annie to throw herself into helping others when we were at our darkest. She really was too damn good for this life. Then again, wasn’t that what we were created for, to help? But where we helped with bloodshed, she helped with compassion. Again, too damn good for this monstrosity of a life.

  Just as James had said, I found Annie in the medical chamber. She was cleaning supplies for Sloane while the veteran shift tended to Brock. When the big Scot saw me, he grinned.

  “Fear not, lassie!” he shouted. “The nurse here saved my cock!”

  “Along with the rest of your sorry ass,” Sloane mumbled. She tossed a look my way. “See why I prefer the fairer sex? All this one cared about was the damn head between his legs.”

  “Quite the head it is,” Brock said with a boisterous laugh.

  “Glad to see all of yo
u is doing better,” I told him, biting back my smile. I turned my attention to the nurse and my smile dropped. “How are you doing?”

  Her eyes watered as they met mine. She just nodded.

  Annie stepped beside her, placing a delicate hand on Sloane’s slender shoulder. “Do you need something, Zoe?”

  “I was actually hoping to talk to you for a moment—” my eyes darted to the two shifts in the room and then back to Annie, “—alone.”

  Brock chuckled, nudging Slo from the cot where he lay. “Looks like yer not the only one who prefers the fairer sex, aye?”

  Faster than I thought a shift could move, she smacked the big man upside the head. “Watch it, ye feckin’ eejit,” she snapped, her Irish accent coming to the surface. “I can still remove that precious pecker of yours.”

  I smirked as he huffed, turning five shades of red. “You better listen to her,” I told him. “Never a good idea to piss off a woman with a scalpel.”

  “Especially one who knows how to use it,” Sloane added.

  Brock grumbled. “This is why I don’t much like people. Bunch of crazy fucks.”

  Annie flashed the two one of her signature smiles and we headed out of the medical chamber together.

  “Did you go see Jade?” she asked once we were well into the hallway.

  I let out a hollow laugh and nodded.

  “That bad?”

  “Don’t ask.”

  “James is going to stay with her tonight,” Annie said as we rounded the hall and headed toward our favorite little alcove on the second floor.

  “James?” I asked, thinking back to the conversation I’d overheard between Rhett and his brother. “I didn’t realize they were so close.”

  Annie sat on the stone bench and I joined her. “Well,” she started, “Jade did kind of take him under her wing. Albeit begrudgingly,” she added with a smile.

  “I’m sure it drives his brother crazy, him being trained by one of us.”

  “Oh, it does,” she said with a melodic laugh. And then the laughter was gone. Her now-serious eyes stared out the large alcove window into the nothingness beyond. “I can’t even imagine what Jade is going through,” she continued. “Losing someone who was such a large part of her life for so many years. Sometimes I think Ryuu was the only person on this Earth she trusted.”

  He likely was, I wanted to say, but I couldn’t seem to find my voice. I didn’t have to imagine what Jade was going through. I’d experienced it firsthand.

  “Could you imagine losing the only person you trusted?” Annie went on to say. “The one person you loved more than life itself? I’ve known you for less than a year and still, I couldn’t bear to lose you. She knew him for hundreds of years. My heart just breaks for her. I’m so happy you came back to us. I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t. I know Alec feels the same. He loves you dearly.”

  I closed my eyes and breathed in deeply. “He does, doesn’t he?”

  “Of course he does,” Annie said, sounding more than a little surprised.

  I shifted on the bench so I was facing her. “Can you make me forget him, Annie?” I asked before I had a chance to change my mind.

  “Alec?” She choked. Her eyes grew three sizes bigger.

  “Josh,” I corrected.

  The shock only grew as if she thought never in a million years would those words come out of my mouth. It didn’t take long for her to put two and two together. I shouldn’t have been surprised: she was a smart girl. “Did Alec ask you to do this?”

  “Can you make me forget him?” I asked again, ignoring her question entirely. She already knew the answer.

  She hesitated a moment, biting the corner of her lip. “I don’t think you realize what you’re asking me to do,” she finally said.

  “I know exactly what I’m asking of you,” I replied, my voice remarkably calm despite the storm raging just below the surface. “I’m asking you to erase every memory I’ve ever had of Josh, to make me forget him entirely. I’m asking you to keep me from thinking about him night in and night out and stop the endless ‘what ifs.’ I’m asking you to make me move on with my life so I can protect the people I love.”

  “Zoe…I told you, their deaths were not your fault.”

  “And what about next time,” I snapped, Alec’s harsh words falling from my lips. “What if next time his memory does get someone killed? I thought they had him, Annie. When Baldric’s men told me they had my man, I thought they meant Josh. That was why I hesitated. Baldric’s men will never stop using him against me. What happens the next time I hesitate?”

  “Grief makes us do crazy things,” she whispered.

  “And crazy things get people killed.”

  “It’s only been six months, Zoe,” she went on, a little louder. “The loss of great love means the gain of greater grief. It’s going to take time.”

  I turned to face the frosted window, unable to hold her sad gaze. “Time is something we don’t have,” I breathed. “I just need to know if you can do it. Can you make me forget?”

  The pause that stretched between us was almost unbearable.

  “Are you sure about this?” she finally asked.

  “Yes.” No. I was anything but sure. I didn’t know if I was ready to let go—if I would ever be ready to let go. All I knew was I couldn’t spend the rest of eternity missing him, dreaming about him, wanting him back. It was too painful, far more painful than any wound I’d ever suffered. Besides, it wasn’t fair to Alec to keep looking backward. He was my future now.

  “I need you to make it so I can’t remember ever meeting him. Or, maybe make it so I forget about any feelings I might have had for him,” I continued. I didn’t have to hide the way I’d felt about Josh from Annie, she was fully aware. I’d never actually said the words, she just knew.

  I wasn’t sure if it was due to her gift or if she was just naturally perceptive. I couldn’t lie, it was nice to have someone I could talk to without fear of judgment. Annie knew me; she knew me better than the others.

  All I could hope was that she was strong enough to do what I was asking of her.

  Annie had been training with William since the Great Battle, a lot based on the many nights she spent away from our shared room. She’d grown a lot since then, since those initial months enduring William’s horrible “pain” lessons. I was the one who took care of her wounds as her body learned to heal quicker. I’d let her squeeze my hand until it broke as I poured the alcohol over her skin and she screamed out in pain—just as Alec had done for me.

  When she didn’t respond, I asked her yet again, “Can you do it?”

  “I-I don’t know,” Annie said, twirling her fiery curls around her finger—a nervous tick. “I don’t think my abilities are strong enough to erase memories and feelings as strong as yours. I’m very sorry, Zoe.”

  I couldn’t deny that a large part of me was somewhat relieved by the news. I knew I shouldn’t have been, but I was. Still, I knew what had to be done, and knowing it might be impossible was disappointing. My disappointment must have shown because Annie looked as if she might cry.

  I’m sorry. Annie’s soft voice came into my head, like she couldn’t get the actual words out.

  “It’s okay,” I said, trying to sound as reassuring as possible. I gave her my best forced smile.

  “Well,” she paused and glanced down at her feet for a moment and then her eyes met mine. Those emerald greens pierced straight through my dark soul. “I can still try…”

  “You can?”

  “Yes,” Annie replied. “If and when you get to a point that you really feel like you are ready and willing to forget, I can at least try. What’s the worst that could happen?” she asked with a small, shy shrug. “It doesn’t work.”

  “What do you mean, ‘ready and willing’?”

  “Well, it’s much easier to plant memories and thoughts into people’s heads than it is to erase them. You see, planting is one-sided. The other person doesn’t need to kno
w what I’m doing and they’ll still believe it as long as the memory or thought is plausible or realistic. Making someone run away in battle; someone remembering they went to a park a year ago; someone thinking they want to go for a walk—the mind is easily fooled into believing those sorts of things.

  “But erasing…that’s a whole different story. When someone’s having their memories erased, they must be an active participant. They have to think about what it is they want to forget so I have the ability to remove it. Like giving permission. You can make someone remember something that never happened a lot easier than taking away something they don’t want to lose.”

  That was a lot to take in. I didn’t realize what she was capable of. “And you’ve been doing all this? Planting and erasing?”

  Annie looked at her feet once more. “Um, I haven’t tried erasing yet. But I’ve planted some thoughts and memories. Only with small, easy things though, and mostly just with humans and the younger shifts. Supernatural minds are a lot more complex and harder to work with. So, if you aren’t really ready to forget about him, then it’ll be impossible to trick your advanced brain into actually forgetting him.”

  I nodded. “I see. Sounds like you’ve been spending a lot of one-on-one time with William.”

  Annie blushed and I was once again jealous of her humanness. “Still,” she said, “even if we got it to work, those memories could come rushing back at any moment. The Chosen aren’t supposed to be controlled in that way. So, there is no guarantee how long the effects would last.”

  “I understand.”

  “Do you feel like you’re ready right now?” Annie asked, her voice soft and kind like she already knew what my answer would be.

  I thought over her words for a moment, picturing Josh’s face in my mind. Was I ready to let him go? Was I willing to take the chance that it would work if she tried? If it was the last time I’d ever think of him, could I handle it?

  “No,” I breathed.

  Annie looked relieved. She placed a hand on my shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze, much like she’d done for Sloane.

  “It’s okay,” she whispered.