Works of E F Benson

by E. F. Benson

  “Well, what more can I do?” asked he.

  “If you think,” said Miss Mapp, “that you hurt me by your conduct that night, you are vastly mistaken. And if you think you can do no more than apologize, I will teach you better. You can make an effort, Captain Puffin, to break with your deplorable habits, to try to get back a little of the self-respect, if you ever had any, which you have lost. You can cease trying, oh, so unsuccessfully, to drag Major Benjy down to your level. That’s what you can do.”

  She let these withering observations blight him.

  “I accept your apologies,” she said. “I hope you will do better in the future, Captain Puffin, and I shall look anxiously for signs of improvement. We will meet with politeness and friendliness when we are brought together and I will do my best to wipe all remembrance of your tipsy impertinence from my mind. And you must do your best too. You are not young, and engrained habits are difficult to get rid of. But do not despair, Captain Puffin. And now I will ring for Withers and she will show you out.”

  She rang the bell, and gave a sample of her generous oblivion.

  “And we meet, do we not, this evening at Mrs. Poppit’s?” she said, looking not at him, but about a foot above his head. “Such pleasant evenings one always has there, I hope it will not be a wet evening, but the glass is sadly down. Oh, Withers, Captain Puffin is going. Good morning, Captain Puffin. Such a pleasure!”

  Miss Mapp hummed a rollicking little tune as she observed him totter down the street.

  “There!” she said, and had a glass of Burgundy for lunch as a treat.

  CHAPTER X.

  The news that Mr. Wyse was to be of the party that evening at Mrs. Poppit’s and was to dine there first, en famille (as he casually let slip in order to air his French), created a disagreeable impression that afternoon in Tilling. It was not usual to do anything more than “have a tray” for your evening meal, if one of these winter bridge-parties followed, and there was, to Miss Mapp’s mind, a deplorable tendency to ostentation in this dinner-giving before a party. Still, if Susan was determined to be extravagant, she might have asked Miss Mapp as well, who resented this want of hospitality. She did not like, either, this hole-and-corner en famille work with Mr. Wyse; it indicated a pushing familiarity to which, it was hoped, Mr. Wyse’s eyes were open.

  There was another point: the party, it had been ascertained, would in all number ten, and if, as was certain, there would be two bridge-tables, that seemed to imply that two people would have to cut out. There were often nine at Mrs. Poppit’s bridge-parties (she appeared to be unable to count), but on those occasions Isabel was generally told by her mother that she did not care for bridge, and so there was no cutting out, but only a pleasant book for Isabel. But what would be done with ten? It was idle to hope that Susan would sit out: as hostess she always considered it part of her duties to play solidly the entire evening. Still, if the cutting of cards malignantly ordained that Miss Mapp was ejected, it was only reasonable to expect that after her magnanimity to the United Services, either Major Benjy or Captain Puffin would be so obdurate in his insistence that she must play instead of him, that it would be only ladylike to yield.

  She did not, therefore, allow this possibility to dim the pleasure she anticipated from the discomfiture of darling Diva, who would be certain to appear in the kingfisher-blue tea-gown, and find herself ghastly and outshone by the crimson-lake which was the colour of Mrs. Trout’s second toilet, and Miss Mapp, after prolonged thought as to her most dramatic moment of entrance in the crimson-lake, determined to arrive when she might expect the rest of the guests to have already assembled. She would risk, it is true, being out of a rubber for a little, since bridge might have already begun, but play would have to stop for a minute of greetings when she came in, and she would beg everybody not to stir, and would seat herself quite, quite close to Diva, and openly admire her pretty frock, “like one I used to have …!”

  It was, therefore, not much lacking of ten o’clock when, after she had waited a considerable time on Mrs. Poppit’s threshold, Boon sulkily allowed her to enter, but gave no answer to her timid inquiry of: “Am I very late, Boon?” The drawing-room door was a little ajar, and as she took off the cloak that masked the splendour of the crimson-lake, her acute ears heard the murmur of talk going on, which indicated that bridge had not yet begun, while her acute nostrils detected the faint but certain smell of roast grouse, which showed what Susan had given Mr. Wyse for dinner, probably telling him that the birds were a present to her from the shooting-lodge where she had stayed in the summer. Then, after she had thrown herself a glance in the mirror, and put on her smile, Boon preceded her, slightly shrugging his shoulders, to the drawing-room door, which he pushed open, and grunted loudly, which was his manner of announcing a guest. Miss Mapp went tripping in, almost at a run, to indicate how vexed she was with herself for being late, and there, just in front of her, stood Diva, dressed not in kingfisher-blue at all, but in the crimson-lake of Mrs. Trout’s second toilet. Perfidious Diva had had her dress dyed too…

  Miss Mapp’s courage rose to the occasion. Other people, Majors and tipsy Captains, might be cowards, but not she. Twice now (omitting the matter of the Wars of the Roses) had Diva by some cunning, which it was impossible not to suspect of a diabolical origin, clad her odious little roundabout form in splendours identical with Miss Mapp’s, but now, without faltering even when she heard Evie’s loud squeak, she turned to her hostess, who wore the Order of M.B.E. on her ample breast, and made her salutations in a perfectly calm voice.

  “Dear Susan, don’t scold me for being so late,” she said, “though I know I deserve it. So sweet of you! Isabel darling and dear Evie! Oh, and Mr. Wyse! Sweet Irene! Major Benjy and Captain Puffin! Had a nice game of golf? And the Padre!…”

  She hesitated a moment wondering, if she could, without screaming or scratching, seem aware of Diva’s presence. Then she soared, lambent as flame.

  “Diva darling!” she said, and bent and kissed her, even as St. Stephen in the moment of martyrdom prayed for those who stoned him. Flesh and blood could not manage more, and she turned to Mr. Wyse, remembering that Diva had told her that the Contessa Faradiddleony’s arrival was postponed.

  “And your dear sister has put off her journey, I understand,” she said. “Such a disappointment! Shall we see her at Tilling at all, do you think?”

  Mr. Wyse looked surprised.

  “Dear lady,” he said, “you’re the second person who has said that to me. Mrs. Plaistow asked me just now — —”

  “Yes; it was she who told me,” said Miss Mapp in case there was a mistake. “Isn’t it true?”

  “Certainly not. I told my housekeeper that the Contessa’s maid was ill, and would follow her, but that’s the only foundation I know of for this rumour. Amelia encourages me to hope that she will be here early next week.”

  “Oh, no doubt that’s it!” said Miss Mapp in an aside so that Diva could hear. “Darling Diva’s always getting hold of the most erroneous information. She must have been listening to servants’ gossip. So glad she’s wrong about it.”

  Mr. Wyse made one of his stately inclinations of the head.

  “Amelia will regret very much not being here to-night,” he said, “for I see all the great bridge-players are present.”

  “Oh, Mr. Wyse!” said she. “We shall all be humble learners compared with the Contessa, I expect.”

  “Not at all!” said Mr. Wyse. “But what a delightful idea of yours and Mrs. Plaistow’s to dress alike in such lovely gowns. Quite like sisters.”

  Miss Mapp could not trust herself to speak on this subject, and showed all her teeth, not snarling but amazingly smiling. She had no occasion to reply, however, for Captain Puffin joined them, eagerly deferential.

  “What a charming surprise you and Mrs. Plaistow have given us, Miss Mapp,” he said, “in appearing again in the same beautiful dresses. Quite like — —”

  Miss Mapp could not bear to hear what she and Diva we
re like, and wheeled about, passionately regretting that she had forgiven Puffin. This manœuvre brought her face to face with the Major.

  “Upon my word, Miss Elizabeth,” he said, “you look magnificent to-night.”

  He saw the light of fury in her eyes, and guessed, mere man as he was, what it was about. He bent to her and spoke low.

  “But, by Jove!” he said with supreme diplomacy, “somebody ought to tell our good Mrs. Plaistow that some women can wear a wonderful gown and others — ha!”

  “Dear Major Benjy,” said she. “Cruel of you to poor Diva.”

  But instantly her happiness was clouded again, for the Padre had a very ill-inspired notion.

  “What ho! fair Madam Plaistow,” he humorously observed to Miss Mapp. “Ah! Peccavi! I am in error. It is Mistress Mapp. But let us to the cards! Our hostess craves thy presence at yon table.”

  Contrary to custom Mrs. Poppit did not sit firmly down at a table, nor was Isabel told that she had an invincible objection to playing bridge. Instead she bade everybody else take their seats, and said that she and Mr. Wyse had settled at dinner that they much preferred looking on and learning to playing. With a view to enjoying this incredible treat as fully as possible, they at once seated themselves on a low sofa at the far end of the room where they could not look or learn at all, and engaged in conversation. Diva and Elizabeth, as might have been expected from the malignant influence which watched over their attire, cut in at the same table and were partners, so that they had, in spite of the deadly antagonism of identical tea-gowns, a financial interest in common, while a further bond between them was the eagerness with which they strained their ears to overhear anything that their hostess and Mr. Wyse were saying to each other.

  Miss Mapp and Diva alike were perhaps busier when they were being dummy than when they were playing the cards. Over the background of each mind was spread a hatred of the other, red as their tea-gowns, and shot with black despair as to what on earth they should do now with those ill-fated pieces of pride. Miss Mapp was prepared to make a perfect chameleon of hers, if only she could get away from Diva’s hue, but what if, having changed, say, to purple, Diva became purple too? She could not stand a third coincidence, and besides, she much doubted whether any gown that had once been of so pronounced a crimson-lake, could successfully attempt to appear of any other hue except perhaps black. If Diva died, she might perhaps consult Miss Greele as to whether black would be possible, but then if Diva died, there was no reason for not wearing crimson-lake for ever, since it would be an insincerity of which Miss Mapp humbly hoped she was incapable, to go into mourning for Diva just because she died.

  In front of this lurid background of despair moved the figures which would have commanded all her attention, have aroused all the feelings of disgust and pity of which she was capable, had only Diva stuck to kingfisher-blue. There they sat on the sofa, talking in voices which it was impossible to overhear, and if ever a woman made up to a man, and if ever a man was taken in by shallow artifices, “they,” thought Miss Mapp, “are the ones.” There was no longer any question that Susan was doing her utmost to inveigle Mr. Wyse into matrimony, for no other motive, not politeness, not the charm of conversation, not the low, comfortable seat by the fire could possibly have had force enough to keep her for a whole evening from the bridge-table. That dinner en famille, so Miss Mapp sarcastically reflected — what if it was the first of hundreds of similar dinners en famille? Perhaps, when safely married, Susan would ask her to one of the family dinners, with a glassful of foam which she called champagne, and the leg of a crow which she called game from the shooting-lodge… There was no use in denying that Mr. Wyse seemed to be swallowing flattery and any other form of bait as fast as they were supplied him; never had he been so made up to since the day, now two years ago, when Miss Mapp herself wrote him down as uncapturable. But now, on this awful evening of crimson-lake, it seemed only prudent to face the prospect of his falling into the nets which were spread for him… Susan the sister-in-law of a Contessa. Susan the wife of the man whose urbanity made all Tilling polite to each other, Susan a Wyse of Whitchurch! It made Miss Mapp feel positively weary of earth…

  Nor was this the sum of Miss Mapp’s mental activities, as she sat being dummy to Diva, for, in addition to the rage, despair and disgust with which these various topics filled her, she had narrowly to watch Diva’s play, in order, at the end, to point out to her with lucid firmness all the mistakes she had made, while with snorts and sniffs and muttered exclamations and jerks of the head and pullings-out of cards and puttings of them back with amazing assertions that she had not quitted them, she wrestled with the task she had set herself of getting two no-trumps. It was impossible to count the tricks that Diva made, for she had a habit of putting her elbow on them after she had raked them in, as if in fear that her adversaries would filch them when she was not looking, and Miss Mapp, distracted with other interests, forgot that no-trumps had been declared and thought it was hearts, of which Diva played several after their adversaries’ hands were quite denuded of them. She often did that “to make sure.”

  “Three tricks,” she said triumphantly at the conclusion, counting the cards in the cache below her elbow.

  Miss Mapp gave a long sigh, but remembered that Mr. Wyse was present.

  “You could have got two more,” she said, “if you hadn’t played those hearts, dear. You would have been able to trump Major Benjy’s club and the Padre’s diamond, and we should have gone out. Never mind, you played it beautifully otherwise.”

  “Can’t trump when it’s no trumps,” said Diva, forgetting that Mr. Wyse was there. “That’s nonsense. Got three tricks. Did go out. Did you think it was hearts? Wasn’t.”

  Miss Mapp naturally could not demean herself to take any notice of this.

  “Your deal, is it, Major Benjy?” she asked. “Me to cut?”

  Diva had remembered just after her sharp speech to her partner that Mr. Wyse was present, and looked towards the sofa to see if there were any indications of pained surprise on his face which might indicate that he had heard. But what she saw there — or, to be more accurate, what she failed to see there — forced her to give an exclamation which caused Miss Mapp to look round in the direction where Diva’s bulging eyes were glued… There was no doubt whatever about it: Mrs. Poppit and Mr. Wyse were no longer there. Unless they were under the sofa they had certainly left the room together and altogether. Had she gone to put on her sable coat on this hot night? Was Mr. Wyse staggering under its weight as he fitted her into it? Miss Mapp rejected the supposition; they had gone to another room to converse more privately. This looked very black indeed, and she noted the time on the clock in order to ascertain, when they came back, how long they had been absent.

  The rubber went on its wild way, relieved from the restraining influence of Mr. Wyse, and when, thirty-nine minutes afterwards, it came to its conclusion and neither the hostess nor Mr. Wyse had returned, Miss Mapp was content to let Diva muddle herself madly, adding up the score with the assistance of her fingers, and went across to the other table till she should be called back to check her partner’s figures. They would be certain to need checking.

  “Has Mr. Wyse gone away already, dear Isabel?” she said. “How early!”

  (“And four makes nine,” muttered Diva, getting to her little finger.)

  Isabel was dummy, and had time for conversation.

  “I think he has only gone with Mamma into the conservatory,” she said— “no more diamonds, partner? — to advise her about the orchids.”

  Now the conservatory was what Miss Mapp considered a potting-shed with a glass roof, and the orchids were one anæmic odontoglossum, and there would scarcely be room besides that for Mrs. Poppit and Mr. Wyse. The potting-shed was visible from the drawing-room window, over which curtains were drawn.

  “Such a lovely night,” said Miss Mapp. “And while Diva is checking the score may I have a peep at the stars, dear? So fond of the sweet stars.”

>   She glided to the window (conscious that Diva was longing to glide too, but was preparing to quarrel with the Major’s score) and took her peep at the sweet stars. The light from the hall shone full into the potting-shed, but there was nobody there. She made quite sure of that.

  Diva had heard about the sweet stars, and for the first time in her life made no objection to her adversaries’ total.

  “You’re right, Major Flint, eighteen-pence,” she said. “Stupid of me: I’ve left my handkerchief in the pocket of my cloak. I’ll pop out and get it. Back in a minute. Cut again for partners.”

  She trundled to the door and popped out of it before Miss Mapp had the slightest chance of intercepting her progress. This was bitter, because the dining-room opened out of the hall, and so did the book-cupboard with a window which dear Susan called her boudoir. Diva was quite capable of popping into both of these apartments. In fact, if the truants were there, it was no use bothering about the sweet stars any more, and Diva would already have won…

  There was a sweet moon as well, and just as baffled Miss Mapp was turning away from the window, she saw that which made her positively glue her nose to the cold window-pane, and tuck the curtain in, so that her silhouette should not be visible from outside. Down the middle of the garden path came the two truants, Susan in her sables and Mr. Wyse close beside her with his coat-collar turned up. Her ample form with the small round head on the top looked like a short-funnelled locomotive engine, and he like the driver on the foot-plate. The perfidious things had said they were going to consult over the orchid. Did orchids grow on the lawn? It was news to Miss Mapp if they did.

  They stopped, and Mr. Wyse quite clearly pointed to some celestial object, moon or star, and they both gazed at it. The sight of two such middle-aged people behaving like this made Miss Mapp feel quite sick, but she heroically continued a moment more at her post. Her heroism was rewarded, for immediately after the inspection of the celestial object, they turned and inspected each other. And Mr. Wyse kissed her.