Works of E F Benson

by E. F. Benson

  “Stephen Merriall,” said Aggie. “Just one of the men who go out to tea every day — one of the unattached.”

  “Well then, she’s going to attach him,” said Adele. “Dear me, aren’t I poisonous, when I’m going to her house to meet Alf next week! But I don’t feel poisonous; I feel wildly interested: I adore her. Here we are at the theatre: what a bore! And there’s Tony Limpsfield. Tony, come and help me out. We’ve been lunching with the most marvellous—”

  “I expect you mean Lucia,” said Tony. “I spent Sunday with her at Riseholme.”

  “She curtsied to the telephone,” began Adele.

  “Who was at the other end?” asked Tony eagerly.

  “That’s what she didn’t say,” said Adele.

  “Why not?” asked Tony.

  Adele stepped briskly out of her car, followed by Aggie.

  “I can’t make out,” she said. “Oh, do you know Mrs. Sandeman?”

  “Yes, of course,” said Tony. “And it couldn’t have been Princess Isabel.”

  “Why not? She met her at Marcia’s last night.”

  “Yes, but the Princess fled from her. She fled from her at Riseholme too, and said she would never go to her house. It can’t have been she. But she got hold of that boxer—”

  “Alf Watson,” said Adele. “She called him Alf, and I’m going to meet him at her house on Thursday.”

  “Then it’s very unkind of you to crab her, Adele,” said Tony.

  “I’m not: I’m simply wildly interested. Anyhow, what about you? You spent a Sunday with her at Riseholme.”

  “And she calls you Tony,” said Aggie vituperatively, still thinking about the Alf party.

  “No, does she really?” said Tony. “But after all, I call her Lucia when she’s not there. The bell’s gone, by the way: the curtain will be up.”

  Adele hurried in.

  “Come to my box, Tony,” she said, “after the first act. I haven’t been so interested in anything for years.”

  Adele paid no attention whatever to the gloomy play of Tchekov’s. Her whole mind was concentrated on Lucia, and soon she leaned across to Aggie, and whispered:

  “I believe it was Pepino who rang her up.”

  Aggie knitted her brows for a moment.

  “Couldn’t have been,” she said. “He rang her up directly afterwards.”

  Adele’s face fell. Not being able to think as far ahead as Lucia she didn’t see the answer to that, and relapsed into Lucian meditation, till the moment the curtain fell, when Tony Limpsfield slid into their box.

  “I don’t know what the play has been about,” he said, “but I must tell you why she was at Marcia’s last night. Some women chucked Marcia during the afternoon and made her thirteen—”

  “Marcia would like that,” said Aggie.

  Tony took no notice of this silly joke.

  “So she rang up everybody in town—” he continued.

  “Except me,” said Aggie bitterly.

  “Oh, never mind that,” said Tony. “She rang up everybody, and couldn’t get hold of anyone. Then she rang up Lucia.”

  “Who instantly said she was disengaged, and rang me up to go to the theatre with Pepino,” said Aggie. “I suspected something of the sort, but I wanted to see the play, and I wasn’t going to cut off my nose to spite Lucia’s face.”

  “Besides, she would have got someone else, or sent Pepino to the play alone,” said Tony. “And you’ve got hold of the wrong end of the stick, Aggie. Nobody wants to spite Lucia. We all want her to have the most glorious time.”

  “Aggie’s vexed because she thinks she invented Lucia,” observed Adele. “That’s the wrong attitude altogether. Tell me about Pep.”

  “Simply nothing to say about him,” said Tony. “He has trousers and a hat, and a telescope on the roof at Riseholme, and when you talk to him you see he remembers what the leading articles in The Times said that morning. Don’t introduce irrelevant matters, Adele.”

  “But husbands are relevant — all but mine,” said Adele. “Part of the picture. And what about Stephen?”

  “Oh, you always see him handing buns at tea-parties. He’s irrelevant too.”

  “He might not be if her husband is,” said Adele.

  Tony exploded with laughter.

  “You are off the track,” he said. “You’ll get nowhere if you attempt to smirch Lucia’s character. How could she have time for a lover to begin with? And you misunderstand her altogether, if you think that.”

  “It would be frightfully picturesque,” said Adele.

  “No, it would spoil it altogether. . . . Oh, there’s this stupid play beginning again. . . . Gracious heavens, look there!”

  They followed his finger, and saw Lucia followed by Stephen coming up the central aisle of the stalls to two places in the front row. Just as she reached her place she turned round to survey the house, and caught sight of them. Then the lights were lowered, and her face slid into darkness.

  This little colloquy in Adele’s box was really the foundation of the secret society of the Luciaphils, and the membership of the Luciaphils began swiftly to increase. Aggie Sandeman was scarcely eligible, for complete goodwill towards Lucia was a sine qua non of membership, and there was in her mind a certain asperity when she thought that it was she who had given Lucia her gambit, and that already she was beginning to be relegated to second circles in Lucia’s scale of social precedence. It was true that she had been asked to dine to meet Marcelle Periscope, but the party to meet Alf and his flute was clearly the smarter of the two. Adele, however, and Tony Limpsfield were real members, so too, when she came up a few days later, was Olga. Marcia Whitby was another who greedily followed her career, and such as these, whenever they met, gave eager news to each other about it. There was, of course, another camp, consisting of those whom Lucia bombarded with pleasant invitations, but who (at present) firmly refused them. They professed not to know her and not to take the slightest interest in her, which showed, as Adele said, a deplorable narrowness of mind. Types and striking characters like Lucia, who pursued undaunted and indefatigable their aim in life, were rare, and when they occurred should be studied with reverent affection. . . . Sometimes one of the old and original members of the Luciaphils discovered others, and if when Lucia’s name was mentioned an eager and a kindly light shone in their eyes, and they said in a hushed whisper “Did you hear who was there on Thursday?” they thus disclosed themselves as Luciaphils. . . . All this was gradual, but the movement went steadily on, keeping pace with her astonishing career, for the days were few on which some gratifying achievement was not recorded in the veracious columns of Hermione.

  Lucia was driving home one afternoon after a day passed in the Divorce Court. She had made the acquaintance of the President not long ago, and had asked him to dinner on the evening before this trial, which was the talk of the town, was to begin, and at the third attempt had got him to give her a seat in the Court. The trial had already lasted three days, and really no one seemed to think about anything else, and the papers had been full of soulful and surprising evidence. Certainly, Babs Shyton, the lady whose husband wanted to get rid of her, had written very odd letters to Woof-dog, otherwise known as Lord Middlesex, and he to her: Lucia could not imagine writing to anybody like that, and she would have been very much surprised if anyone had written to her as Woof-dog wrote to Babs. But as the trial went on, Lucia found herself growing warm with sympathy for Babs. Her husband, Colonel Shyton, must have been an impossible person to live with, for sometimes he would lie in bed all day, get up in the evening, have breakfast at 8 p.m., lunch a little after midnight, and dine heavily at 8.30 in the morning. Surely with a husband like that, any woman would want some sort of a Woof-dog to take care of her. Both Babs and he, in the extracts from the remarkable correspondence between them which were read out in court, alluded to Colonel Shyton as the S.P., which Babs (amid loud laughter) frankly confessed meant Stinkpot; and Babs had certainly written to Woof-dog to say that she was
in bed and very sleepy and cross, but wished that Woof-dog was thumping his tail on the hearth-rug. That was indiscreet, but there was nothing incriminating about it, and as for the row of crosses which followed Babs’s signature, she explained quite frankly that they indicated that she was cross. There were roars of laughter again at this, and even the Judge wore a broad grin as he said that if there was any more disturbance he should clear the court. Babs had produced an excellent impression, in fact: she had looked so pretty and had answered so gaily, and the Woof-dog had been just as admirable, for he was a strong silent Englishman, and when he was asked whether he had ever kissed Babs she said “That’s a lie” in such a loud fierce voice that you felt that the jury had better believe him unless they all wanted to be knocked down. The verdict was expected next day, and Lucia meant to lose no time in asking Babs to dinner if it was in her favour.

  The court had been very hot and airless, and Lucia directed her chauffeur to drive round the park before going home. She had asked one or two people to tea at five, and one or two more at half-past, but there was time for a turn first, and, diverting her mind from the special features of the case to the general features of such cases, she thought what an amazing and incomparable publicity they gave any woman. Of course, if the verdict went against her, such publicity would be extremely disagreeable, but, given that the jury decided that there was nothing against her, Lucia could imagine being almost envious of her. She did not actually want to be placed in such a situation herself, but certainly it would convey a notoriety that could scarcely be accomplished by years of patient effort. Babs would feel that there was not a single person in any gathering who did not know who she was, and all about her, and, if she was innocent, that would be a wholly delightful result. Naturally, Lucia only envied the outcome of such an experience, not the experience itself, for it would entail a miserable life with Pepino, and she felt sure that dinner at 8.30 in the morning would be highly indigestible, but it would be wonderful to be as well-known as Babs.

  Another point that had struck her, both in the trial itself and in the torrents of talk that for the last few days had been poured out over the case, was the warm sympathy of the world in general with Babs, whether guilty or innocent. “The world always loves a lover,” thought Lucia, and Woof-dog thumping his tail on the rug by her bedroom fire was a beautiful image.

  Her thoughts took a more personal turn. The idea of having a real lover was, of course, absolutely abhorrent to her whole nature, and besides, she did not know whom she could get. But the reputation of having a lover was a wholly different matter, presenting no such objections or difficulties, and most decidedly it gave a woman a certain cachet, if a man was always seen about with her and was supposed to be deeply devoted to her. The idea had occurred to her vaguely before, but now it took more definite shape, and as to her choice of this sort of lover, there was no difficulty about that. Hitherto, she had done nothing to encourage the notion, beyond having Stephen at the house a good deal, but now she saw herself assuming an air of devoted proprietorship of him; she could see herself talking to him in a corner, and even laying her hand on his sleeve, arriving with him at an evening party, and going away with him, for Pepino hated going out after dinner. . . .

  But caution was necessary in the first steps, for it would be hard to explain to Stephen what the proposed relationship was, and she could not imagine herself saying “We are going to pretend to be lovers, but we aren’t.” It would be quite dreadful if he misunderstood, and unexpectedly imprinted on her lips or even her hand a hot lascivious kiss, but up till now he certainly had not shown the smallest desire to do anything of the sort. She would never be able to see him again if he did that, and the world would probably say that he had dropped her. But she knew she couldn’t explain the proposed position to him and he would have to guess: she could only give him a lead and must trust to his intelligence, and to the absence in him of any unsuspected amorous proclivities. She would begin gently, anyhow, and have him to dinner every day that she was at home. And really it would be very pleasant for him, for she was entertaining a great deal during this next week or two, and if he only did not yield to one of those rash and turbulent impulses of the male, all would be well. Georgie, until (so Lucia put it to herself) Olga had come between them, had done it beautifully, and Stephen was rather like Georgie. As for herself, she knew she could trust her firm slow pulses never to beat wild measures for anybody.

  She reached home to find that Adele had already arrived, and pausing only to tell her servant to ring up Stephen and ask him to come round at once, she went upstairs.

  “Dearest Adele,” she said, “a million pardons. I have been in the Divorce Court all day. Too thrilled. Babs, dear Babs Shyton, was wonderful. They got nothing out of her at all—”

  “No: Lord Middlesex has got everything out of her already,” observed Adele.

  “Ah, how can you say that?” said Lucia. “Lord Middlesex — Woof-dog, you know — was just as wonderful. I feel sure the jury will believe them. Dear Babs! I must get her to come here some night soon and have a friendly little party for her. Think of that horrid old man who had lunch in the middle of the night! How terrible for her to have to go back to him. Dear me, what is her address?”

  “She may not have to go back to him,” said Adele. “If so, ‘care of Woof-dog’ would probably find her.”

  Adele had been feeling rather cross. Her husband had announced his intention of visiting his friends and relations in England, and she did not feel inclined to make a corresponding journey to America. But as Lucia went on, she forgot these minor troubles, and became enthralled. Though she was still talking about Babs and Woof-dog, Adele felt sure these were only symbols, like the dreams of psycho-analysts.

  “My sympathy is entirely with dear Babs,” she said. “Think of her position with that dreadful old wretch. A woman surely may be pardoned, even if the jury don’t believe her for—”

  “Of course she may,” said Adele with a final spurt of ill-temper. “What she’s not pardoned for is being found out.”

  “Now you’re talking as everybody talked in that dreadful play I went to last night,” said Lucia. “Dear Olga was there: she is singing to-morrow, is she not? And you are assuming that Babs is guilty. How glad I am, Adele, that you are not on the jury! I take quite the other view: a woman with a wretched home like that must have a man with whom she is friends. I think it was a pure and beautiful affection between Babs and Woof-dog, such as any woman, even if she was happily married, might be proud to enjoy. There can be no doubt of Lord Middlesex’s devotion to her, and really — I hope this does not shock you — what their relations were concerns nobody but them. George Sands and Chopin, you know. Nelson and Lady Hamilton. Sir Andrew Moss — he was the Judge, you know — dined here the other night; I’m sure he is broad-minded. He gave me an admission card to the court. . . . Ah, Stephen, there you are. Come in, my dear. You know Lady Brixton, don’t you? We were talking of Babs Shyton. Bring up your chair. Let me see, no sugar, isn’t it? How you scolded me when I put sugar into your tea by mistake the other day!”

  She held Stephen’s hand for as long as anybody might, or, as Browning says, “so very little longer,” and Adele saw a look of faint surprise on his face. It was not alarm, it was not rapture, it was just surprise.

  “Were you there?” he said. “No verdict yet, I suppose.”

  “Not till to-morrow, but then you will see. Adele has been horrid about her, quite horrid, and I have been preaching to her. I shall certainly ask Babs to dine some night soon, and you shall come, if you can spare an evening, but we won’t ask Adele. Tell me the news, Stephen. I’ve been in Court all day.”

  “Lucia’s quite misunderstood me,” said Adele. “My sympathy is entirely with Babs: all I blame her for is being found out. If you and I had an affair, Mr. Merriall, we should receive the envious sympathy of everybody, until we were officially brought to book. But then we should acquiesce in even our darling Lucia’s cutting us. And i
f you had an affair with anybody else — I’m sure you’ve got hundreds — I and everybody else would be ever so pleased and interested, until — Mark that word ‘until.’ Now I must go, and leave you two to talk me well over.”

  Lucia rose, making affectionate but rather half-hearted murmurs to induce her to stop.

  “Must you really be going, Adele?” she said. “Let me see, what am I doing to-morrow — Stephen, what is to-morrow, and what am I doing? Ah yes, Bertie Alton’s private view in the morning. We shall be sure to meet there, Adele. The wretch has done two caricatures of Pepino and me. I feel as if I was to be flayed in the sight of all London. Au revoir, then, dear Adele, if you’re so tired of us. And then the opera in the evening: I shall hardly dare to show my face. Your motor’s here, is it? Ring, Stephen, will you. Such a short visit, and I expect Olga will pop in presently. All sorts of messages to her, I suppose. Look in again, Adele: propose yourself.”

  On the doorstep Adele met Tony Limpsfield. She hurried him into her motor, and told the chauffeur not to drive on.

  “News!” she said. “Lucia’s going to have a lover.”

  “No!” said Tony in the Riseholme manner

  “But I tell you she is. He’s with her now.”

  “They won’t want me then,” said Tony. “And yet she asked me to come at half-past five.”

  “Nonsense, my dear. They will want you, both of them. . . . Oh Tony, don’t you see? It’s a stunt.”

  Tony assumed the rapt expression of Luciaphils receiving intelligence.

  “Tell me all about it,” he said.

  “I’m sure I’m right,” said she. “Her poppet came in just now, and she held his hand as women do, and made him draw his chair up to her, and said he scolded her. I’m not sure that he knows yet. But I saw that he guessed something was up. I wonder if he’s clever enough to do it properly. . . . I wish she had chosen you, Tony, you’d have done it perfectly. They have got — don’t you understand? — to have the appearance of being lovers, everyone must think they are lovers, while all the time there’s nothing at all of any sort in it. It’s a stunt: it’s a play: it’s a glory.”