It is from years of war and bloodshed. The fae are a hardened people, you have the power at your disposal to change that.
His words echo in my head, only solidifying my belief that I was chosen to end the cycle of war, not continue it. The constant roller coaster of emotions about my situation is making my head spin. One moment I know why I'm here and what I'm working towards, and the next I question everything.
Their customs and upbringing gives me pause. The underlying principles of violence and aggression of the fae make me uncomfortable. And while I know that I'm fae, I still think of myself as a human. Maybe that's where the disconnect stems from.
For the rest of the day, I watch the competition in an unattached, emotionless manner. At least I try to. I'm not called today and neither is Cyrena, much to her disappointment. The students begin to filter out of the arena surrounding the winners from today and praising them. The masters leave as well, giving me small smiles as they pass by. I let Cyrena go on without me in favor of sitting by myself for a little while.
The amount of death I witnessed today, real or not, has shaken me. It's awful, and everyone around me is shrugging it off like it doesn't matter. Lucian and one other fae is all that's left in the arena. I think it's the spirit fae healer that he had come in from his court. They're speaking quietly by the doors of the sick room, where over twenty healing students lie in recovery.
I stare at them, willing Lucian to notice me and come over here. I'm done fighting with him, I'm done waiting for one or the other of us to apologize for nothing. In a time like this I need our spirit link and I want to get lost in his embrace. They finally finish speaking to one another, and she goes back inside. Lucian turns and spots me sitting alone on the bleachers, he strides toward me, looking more like a king and less like my friend. I stand up and move into the arena, walking to face him.
I speak first, "I need you to just stop and listen to me for once. Actually listen to the words coming out of my mouth," he pauses in his tracks at my angry tone, "I am sorry if I messed up. But I'm allowed to mess up because this is all new to me. And I'm confused about what I want, who I want, and this entire situation I have with Rowan and my powers. You're not allowed to be mad at me for that. And if I hurt you that night on our date, I'm sorry for that. I truly am. But I'm done tiptoeing around this because, quite frankly, my spirit can't handle it for much longer. I like you a lot Lucian, and maybe it can be love if you'd just stop being so goddamn stubborn about it!" I finish with a huff and stare at him with my hands on my hips.
That's my girl.
I really don't need you're confusing feelings in the mix right now.
Duly noted.
Rowan goes silent, leaving me to focus solely on Lucian's surprised expression. His mouth opens and closes as if he doesn't know what he's supposed to say. And no matter how much I want to stay mad and look stern, his reaction makes a small smile appear on my lips. His answering smile makes me laugh, which makes him laugh.
"Gods! Who knew you could be so assertive!"
I shove his shoulder and he grins down at me. It lets me know that I'm forgiven, and that maybe we still have a chance to make this into something that we both want. Although, I'm still not sure what that is yet because the word mate still leaves a lingering bad taste in my mouth. Being with someone forever is something I'm not quite ready for at the ripe age of twenty-one.
"Let's go back to the dorms." He loses his smile, and glances back toward the sick room. I immediately understand, "Oh, its okay Lucian. You can tend to them. I understand." He leans down and brushes a small kiss across my cheek. When he straightens my face is warm and I'm smiling stupidly.
"I will be home tonight, I promise. But I have a duty to help the people that risked their lives to be a part of my court. I didn't lie this morning when I said it was an honor. While this competition may be brutal and violent, it's the best way that the fae know how to express loyalty and ability." I nod, looking away at the mention of the competition.
He places his fingers beneath my chin, forcing me to look into his burning eyes, "I fully support you in your endeavor to end the cycle of war and death that our race has fallen into, but this is something that cannot be avoided and will not change overnight. Kingdoms are made in decades, not hours."
With that, he strides away, leaving me alone in the setting sun blanketing the arena.
Chapter 15
That night we slept in the same bed again, and I woke up feeling refreshed despite Lucian being absent. I glance over at my gear hanging on the back of the door. It doesn't make me want to get out of bed today, that's for sure. A feeling deep within me is telling me that I'll be called to duel today. I'm not sure that I'm ready to take my first life.
I don't think anyone ever is. And it's fake, you won't really be killing anyone.
I sit up and swing my legs out of bed, "But I will though because their heart stops. The only reason they don't die is because Lucian knows how to keep them alive. It's unnatural, strange."
You're thinking too much. When you're out there let your fae instincts take over. It will be over before you know it.
"I hope to god that's true."
I take as long as possible to get dressed, making sure to grab my stone, before leaving my dorm. By the time I get to the arena there's two fae already within the starting circle. Cyrena waves me over, looking a little miffed by my late arrival. When I glance toward the thrones, Lucian is staring at me, looking worried. All I do is look away from him. This entire situation feels wrong, I don't even know why I signed up.
Cyrena pulls me down into my seat, "What the hell Tiana? You can't be late like that. What if your stone had heated?"
I shrug which only infuriates her more. She rolls her eyes before focusing on the arena floor again. It would be too hard to explain to her how much I don't want to be here right now. These bloodthirsty fae are really starting to wear me down. This just isn't normal.
Five more pairs are called up before my stone begins to warm within my palm. A cold dread seeps into my chest as I rise from my seat and walk into the arena. The man that comes in with me is the largest of the fourth year student competing, and rumored to be one of the strongest fire fae the academy has ever seen.
It should make me nervous, but it doesn't. The only thing I can think about is killing him. How it will feel. What it will do to me emotionally. I'm not like these other students. I'm not half wild, half feral. A cold sweat breaks out over my skin.
You are. You've just repressed it for so long that you don't even realize it. Let me help you.
The boy conjures two fire swords and begins to walk toward me slowly, almost tauntingly. Does he not realize how powerful I am? My breathing comes faster, and my hands twitch at my sides. It almost feels like I'm about to have a panic attack. That would be much more embarrassing than losing gracefully. But how does one gracefully die? My legs begin to shake and I just know that I won't be able to do this by myself. It's just not me.
I think wildly, do it Rowan. I give you permission.
As soon as I finish, my ears elongate and my canines snap out over my lips. A deep guttural growl comes from my throat, making the man pause several feet away from me. My body stalks back and forth like a caged animal as the sky above us grows dark and thunder claps. The entire water volume begins to rise from the river bed into the air. Sharp vines grow into beings, boulders turn into the soldiers, and the wind picks up so fast that the male has to plant his feet to stay upright.
Fire threads down my arms and I lift them to the sky, shooting flames into the storm. They encircle the tornado of water, wind, earth, and traces of spirit. It's a storm of all five elements and the male in front of me is so surprised that it's almost comical. Rowan stalks forward, carrying my soul along with him. The other soldiers Rowan had summoned have already attacked. While the male is busy defending himself, rather skillfully, Rowan flicks his fingers toward him.
The monster storm rushes forward, engulfing the male e
ntirely. It's only a few seconds longer before Rowan snapped my fingers, causing the storm to dissipate. I can feel the moment the male’s spirit leaves his body. It's ripped away so violently that I cry out inside my own mind. I'm shaking within myself as the arena clears of our battle, if you can even call it that. It was almost a down right murder. A soft ringing noise fills my ears, and I can barely register what happens next. The clouds part, the vines drop to the ground, and the river falls back into its bed with a deafening splash. The male is gone, so thoroughly destroyed that I'm afraid Lucian can't bring him back. The crowd murmurs in disbelief and awe, but doesn't cheer for my victory.
What did you do Rowan? Did you really kill him?
No, Lucian is the king of spirit, he can bring anything or anyone back from the dead. In a time frame.
Lucian rises from his throne and snaps his fingers. The male rematerialized, looking dazed and out of breath. At his reinstatement, the arena erupted in deafening applause. I'm pretty sure that everyone in attendance was worried too. Rowan turns to the crowd and spreads my arms wide, smiling brightly, while I quake inside myself.
Please, give me a second.
Anything for you, Tiana.
He walks us to the bleachers and takes a seat next to Cyrena again, but only smiles at her praise while nodding my head. Despite him controlling my body, Rowan cannot speak for me. His voice bleeds into mine when speaking which would give us way, something that the master's stressed would be dangerous.
If the dark fae know that I'm on campus they may attempt an attack. He controls my body for the rest of the duels, allowing me to sob quietly in the back of my own mind. His spirit wraps around my own, attempting to soothe me through my trauma. While it's comforting to have someone with me, I don't think anything that Rowan or Lucian can do will help me.
I felt his soul leave, Rowan.
Yes, that is the curse of spirit fae. We were made to nurture life, not take it. We feel every single death as if it were our own. I'm sorry to say that I got used to the feeling.
The fact that he's done it enough times to get over the way I'm feeling right now sickens me. If I was in control of my own body I may have thrown up. Taking a life, for no reason at all other than to win a stupid contest, is something I refuse to do again. Life or death may make it necessary, but it will always be a last resort for me. The final desperate step, not the first.
Give me my body back.
He does so without comment and I stand before moving past everyone and out of the arena. Despite it being the middle of the day, and the duels not being over, I leave. My feet carried me to the groove of trees where Rowan and I had trained, where I had almost lost my life. Rowan immediately materializes and I fall into his arms, clutching his tunic and sobbing into him. He rocks me back and forth while giving me his spirit energy to calm me down.
His energy feels different from Lucian's. This energy feels like a breath of fresh air on a fall day, and smells like freshly bloomed peonies. It has an air of playfulness that Lucian's spirit energy lacks. While Lucian makes me feel calm and safe, Rowan turns my energy into happiness and acceptance.
Another stark difference, another reason that I love them both. Rowan takes my tear stained face in his hands and tilts my head upward. We smile at each other as he wipes my tears away before they can even fall from my lashes.
You will be okay. Eventually, you will be okay.
I know.
He leans his forehead against mine and I close my eyes, savoring the contact. I wrap my arms around his waist, pulling him tightly against me. Despite him being made of magic if I hold him like this, with my eyes closed, he feels real. He feels like he is my soulmate. He feels like my home. Leaves rustle some time later and I lift my head off of Rowan’s chest to find Lucian standing there, looking shocked.
"Wha-what is this?"
Rowan pulls away from me and puts some distance between us. My heart cries out when we lose contact. It was gently knitting itself back together, and it just lost its thread. I'm not sure if Rowan is just a source of my own magic comforting me, or if he really is able to use his own magic, his own elemental signature. We exchange glances before looking back toward Lucian. He looks back and forth between us in return before finally looking at me.
I can't speak, so you may want to answer him.
I know.
"Using my magic, Rowan is able to make himself into a human like form. We talk like this, and he helps me through things that no one else understands. But he can't speak as he's not exactly real."
Lucian realizes who is standing in front of him two seconds later and drops to one knee. Rowan smiles and motions for him to rise from the ground. Lucian does so respectfully. Rowan glances at me, still smiling. It shows the crow’s feet at the corners of his eyes. He tries to be funny.
You know, that's how the fae are supposed to act around royalty. You might want to take note.
Hey! I thought you said that I'm supposed to be a queen? I don't owe anything to you.
So now you're willing to accept it? How convenient.
Lucian follows our exchange as if he can hear us speaking to one another. But I know that he can't, no one can hear Rowan but me. Lucian steps toward me as if he wants to take me into his arms, and while I crave his spirit energy, I surprise myself by wanting him to leave. Rowan was handling it before he came, he was fixing me. At least as much as I could have been fixed. Is it wrong to prefer Rowan in one moment over Lucian?
I'd say no but I suspect that my opinion is biased.
You smart ass.
He smirks at me before snapping his fingers and disappearing almost instantly. As soon as he's gone Lucian wraps me up into his arms. We embrace passionately, clutching at each other as if it's the only thing that can right the wrongs in the world. His calming energy blankets me, almost like a drug. Despite wanting him to leave, I'm still grateful for this feeling.
It makes me even more confused. Rowan or Lucian? Lucian or Rowan? Why do I have to choose? One is real, while one is not. But my emotional connection with each of them is more than real, it's a soul braiding bond. If I'm not physical with Rowan, does it make it okay? By the guilty feeling in my chest, the answer is no. Even if the answer is no, I can't help it, and I can't run from him. Rowan is within me, wrapped around my elements, rooted into my soul.
You could just enjoy it you know. Accept your connections for what they are. Fae worship these kind of connections as they are rare and far between.
Then how can I have two? And one with a male who died thousands of years ago? Lucian said you get one fated mate. One.
That may be a question for mother earth. But I've seen enough in my vast existence to know that there is never just one love, one connection, in your lifetime. If that were true Lucian would not have found you.
I don't deem to respond. Rowan doesn't have all the answers. Hell, he doesn't know any more than I do about it. He may be right though because Lucian already had a soul altering connection.
"I'm done with that competition. I can't do it, I don't want to. That was all Rowan. It wasn't me."
Lucian shushes me while rocking me back and forth like a child. I'm not sure how to tell him that I feel okay now, that Rowan had helped me before he could come. Rowan is here when Lucian can't be. Which might increase when Lucian has to return to the spirit kingdom after the competition is over. He's required to help the new court members get settled in. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I know that he has other responsibilities, but being separated will be hard, if not unbearable is the sleeping situation is any indication.
I step back from Lucian and smile, "I'm okay. I can deal with this myself."
He lets his arms fall limply to his sides, an unreadable expression on his face. He's probably used to me falling apart and needing comfort, but I think I can be strong now. That maybe I'm getting used to the idea of becoming something greater than the human girl I used to be. That I'm a part of something much bigger than myself.
H
e holds out his hand, "Alright, then let's get you back to the dorms. I can't stay though, I have to get back to the infirmary." I take his hand and follow him back toward the academy. We walk in silence for several minutes before he says casually, "So, you and Rowan looked pretty close back there."
I glanced sidelong at him, but he's looking anywhere but at me. Is he jealous?
"Yes, having someone in your head twenty-four hours a day can make you pretty close. We know things about each other and understand each other in a way I've never had with anyone else. You shouldn't feel threatened by that."
"Threatened? Me? I'm not threatened by some ghost. I'm the spirit king." He jokes.
God this guy is awful at being casual.
Ha! Don't make me laugh out loud. I'll hurt his feelings.
"Alright, if you say so."
High Fae Academy - Year One: Fae Paranormal Romance Page 13
