by L. B. Tillit
“When?” I felt my jaw tighten.
“Now!” BB looked at Brian and Kaden for a minute and back at me. “The two of them will follow you and make sure you’re okay.” I wasn’t that stupid! I knew okay meant that they were watching out for their package, not me. I just nodded. BB continued, “Go to Got Game Bowling and head to the bathroom. Wait in a stall until someone with red shoes enters the stall next to you. He’ll reach down his hand, and you hand off the package.”
I didn’t move. I just pretended like it was no big deal, “Is that all?”
BB started laughing. “Yeah … go on!”
I stepped out the door and started walking. The back of the bowling alley was only a block down the street, and I would just have to cut around the building to get to the front.
It was already getting dark. I could feel Brian and Kaden following me, but they were far enough behind that they couldn’t hear me breathing hard. Once I was in the front of the bowling alley, I walked through the door with neon lights flashing Cold Beer.
I stopped for a minute when I saw the lanes and bright lights. Music filled my body, and I couldn’t help smiling. Dad had never taken me bowling. I had heard it was a fun place, but I always called those kids losers. So I made myself think I would hate it. But I didn’t. The smell of fries made my stomach growl. I glanced at the counter where it looked like a hundred shoes were lined up. A tall white man, who looked like he had just stepped out of an army poster, looked at me.
“What can I do for you?” His voice was strong and his eyes narrowed.
I could suddenly feel myself sweat. “Oh, I just need to use the restroom.” I tried to smile.
“Customers only!” The army man’s strong hand pointed at a sign.
I panicked, but only for a minute. “Oh.” I shifted. Then I pointed at the fries. “How much are they?”
“Two bucks.” The man turned his head and handed a young girl and her father some shoes.
I walked up to the bar and sat down. I put the package on my lap and ordered some fries and a Coke. I carefully pulled the five dollar bill out of my jeans leaving the joint hidden. I knew then why BB gave me the money.
I ate slowly. I enjoyed the fries and the cold Coke. The drink suddenly gave me a real need to use the restroom.
The restroom was small with two stalls. I picked one and closed the door. I decided to wait until the red shoes arrived before I actually used the toilet. But after fifteen minutes, I was dying. I put the package on the back of the toilet and unzipped my pants. Just as I was finishing, I saw the red shoes. I panicked and tried to grab the package. But it slipped. It fell into the toilet. My heart stopped. I stood and looked at the package floating in my piss. I cussed and grabbed it. I used toilet paper to wipe it off, but it did no good. I slowly handed a wet package to the dark hand that belonged to the red shoes.
I held my breath as curse words flew from the stall next door. I didn’t dare move. Suddenly there was a roar of laughter. I recognized BB’s voice and opened the door to find all three of my new friends laughing.
I didn’t feel like laughing, but I tried to smile. “What’s going on?”
Kaden spoke first. “You really dropped it in the toilet?”
“I didn’t mean to.” I tried to laugh, but I know I sounded fake.
BB threw the package in the trash and looked at me. I was confused. He smiled. “It was just some old paper. We wanted to see what you would do.” His eyes narrowed and his smile was gone. “Next time it will be for real. Just don’t take a piss first!”
They all started laughing again. I swallowed hard. Next time. I wasn’t sure I wanted a next time.
CHAPTER 7
Alone
I held the joint in my hand as I sat on my bed. It was only four in the afternoon, and I was home. I had spent the last week of school running home from the bus stop. I didn’t want to face BB again. I thought I was tough, but I didn’t want to be. Teasing and acting mean to kids on the block was one thing. Delivering drugs was something else. I was too afraid. I hated myself for it. I believed I was weak. I believed I was worthless. I couldn’t even smoke my birthday gift. I didn’t want to.
I heard a dish fall in the kitchen. I stood up quickly and stepped out of my room. I saw Dad stumbling around the table. I thought he was drunk or high again, so I stepped right back into my room. Then I heard a thud. I knew he must have hit the floor hard. I leaned back on my bed up against the wall. I was waiting for his usual snoring. But it didn’t come. I lifted my head and listened. It was quiet.
I shot out of my room and was leaning over Dad. His eyes were open but he wasn’t breathing. I started screaming and shaking him.
“What’s going on?” Mom stood in the opening to the living room. Her hair was pressed up to one side of her head. She was only wearing a bra and sweat pants.
I was still shaking Dad. I screamed, “He’s dead. I think he’s dead.” Tears made it hard for me to see.
I felt Mom shove me out of the way. “Oh no! No!” She screamed. She turned and looked at me with fear in her eyes. She yelled, “Call nine-one-one!”
I started patting down Dad. Each pat felt like I was touching a strange mass lying in the middle of the kitchen. I finally reached for Dad’s jean’s pocket. I had to shove him on his side so I could pull out his cell phone. I dialed.
Thirty minutes later the police found us still sitting beside Dad. But we were just sitting next to a dead body. Mom had her head between her knees and was rocking back and forth. I was just staring. I knew the minute they came in that more than Dad would be taken away from me. They would find the drugs still cluttering up the living room. They would find the small amount of pot in my room. I knew nothing would be the same.
The police called it Protective Services. They took me. Away from my neighborhood. Away from my mother. Away from everything I knew.
I was alone.
CHAPTER 8
South Side
They told me I wouldn’t leave the city. But it felt like I did. They took me to the south side of town. “It will be good for you to spend some time away.” Miss Miller tried to smile at me from the driver’s seat. A trash bag with a few of my things was thrown in the back seat. She was young, maybe twenty-five. If I hadn’t been upset or angry, I would have thought Miss Miller was hot. But I didn’t care that her long, dark legs looked like they’d walked right out of one of the posters hanging in Kaden’s house. She had tight corn rows, and she tried to look older by wearing a suit jacket. The air conditioning was blasting to help keep that jacket on.
“Whatever,” I whispered and leaned my head against the window.
“TJ.” Miss Miller was really trying. “You won’t be at Miss Dixie’s forever. Once your mother takes some classes and gets the help she needs, she can get you back.”
I turned my head to stare at her. I gave her the coldest stare I had. “Just shut up. You don’t know me, and you don’t know my mom. She’ll leave me to rot.” I turned my head and leaned against the window again.
I think she said more things, but I didn’t listen. I let her voice drift away. I watched the tall buildings of downtown pass by. The people on the sidewalks looked like they were dancing around each other but never touching. Soon the busy downtown gave way to neighborhoods a lot like mine. After a few more blocks, we finally turned into Grant Park. The streets were lined with houses and some apartment buildings. But they were all facing a wide open green space in the middle. I found myself looking at a small pond with a bridge over it. A girl about my age was sitting on its edge. Her white legs and short red hair made her stand out against the wooden bridge. I couldn’t help but stare. I hadn’t seen many redheads.
“We’re here.” Miss Miller touched my shoulder. But I quickly jerked away from her touch.
“Don’t touch me,” I said as I looked away from the girl.
Miss Miller just nodded. “Isn’t this nice?”
Across from the pond there was a brick house, larger than Kad
en’s, and it had a porch with a hanging swing.
I just sat in the car and watched Miss Miller go to the front door. It only took a minute before a huge black lady came to the door. Her hair was sticking out all over the place. She was patting it down with both her hands until it lay flat…sort of. Her smile was so big I swear I could see all her teeth. She waddled as she walked toward me. Miss Miller waved at me to get out. I didn’t at first. But something about the big woman’s smile made me slowly get out of the car. Once I slammed the door behind me, I just stood there. I put my hands in my pockets.
“This is Miss Dixie.” Miss Miller pointed at the woman like I couldn’t see her.
Before I knew it, the biggest arms pulled me into the biggest breasts I had ever seen. My hands were stuck in my pockets. But it didn’t matter. I was too shocked to push away.
CHAPTER 9
Miss Dixie
This’ll be your room, TJ.” Miss Dixie was out of breath. We had only walked to the second floor. I could see there was one more flight of stairs. Large arms opened the fIrst door at the top of the steps.
Miss Miller was standing behind me. “Go on in, TJ.” I turned and glared at her. She did nothing but piss me off. So I didn’t move. I sucked air between my teeth, so she would know I wasn’t doing anything she said.
“Oh, Patty,” Miss Dixie took Miss Miller’s arm. “Let’s leave TJ alone and just give him some time. Why don’t you come on down for some sweet tea?”
“But …” Miss Miller began to protest.
“I won’t take no for an answer.” Miss Dixie was practically pulling the skinny woman away from me.
I waited until they were gone before I turned to look at my room. I touched the door. I’d never had a door to my room. Then I frowned. But it wasn’t really mine.
I stood in the doorway and saw a bed sitting up off the floor. It already had a blue blanket spread across it, and two pillows sat neatly at the head. A small desk with a lamp was next to the bed. I could see the lamp would work for the desk and the bed. A picture of some mountain was hanging above the desk. A small closet was on the other side of the bed. I wondered what I’d put in the closet since I was only holding a trash bag with a few shirts, pants, and a handful of underwear.
“I have the same room.” A voice broke into my thoughts. I turned to see the redhead from the bridge looking into my room. She didn’t look at me. She just stared into the room. “But mine has a green blanket and a picture of a lake. Wish I knew where the lake was. Would like to go there someday.” Then she looked at me. Her eyes were so blue that I stared into them a second too long. She smiled for just a second, and then she turned and headed up the stairs. I could hear a door close right above me.
I stared after the girl for a minute thinking I must have landed in a nut house. Never had any white girl just talked to me like that. And I wasn’t sure what that was about. At school there were a few white girls. But they would either fiirt with me or stay clear of me.
I finally walked into my room. I threw the bag into the closet and fell down on the bed. There was a window next to the bed. I could see the pond and the houses. They surrounded Grant Park like a small fort.
“So how do you like it?” Miss Dixie was in my doorway. I had forgotten to close the door. Something I needed to start doing. Now that I had one.
“Okay I guess.” I looked out the window again. I soon felt the weight of someone sitting down on the foot of my bed. I quickly pulled my legs up to my chest. Miss Dixie was sitting so close to me. It freaked me out just a little. “What do you want?” I didn’t try to sound mean. But it still came out that way.
Miss Dixie smiled. “TJ, I just want to rest, son. You see how many times I went up those stairs in the last twenty minutes? I think I deserve a sit down.” She raised her eyebrows. “Don’t you?”
I stared at her and saw a single drop of sweat fall down her cheek. “I guess so,” I said, not really knowing what to say.
“TJ.” She looked at me with the same smile. But there was a serious look in her eyes. “I know this is not home. I don’t expect it to be. But maybe,” she paused and reached out for a quick pat on my leg, “maybe you can think of this as your sit-down time.” I frowned slightly. She continued, “I think you need it.”
“What do you know of what I need?” My anger was rising, and I pulled my legs in even closer. I could hardly breathe.
Miss Dixie didn’t answer. She just stood up and took a deep breath. “Ah, I feel better already.” She looked at me and smiled. “Thank you for letting me rest.” She began to walk out my door. She spoke without looking back. “Wash up. Dinner is in ten minutes.”
CHAPTER 10
Dinner
I know it sounds crazy, but I had never been “called to dinner” before. Sure, once in a while Mom or Dad had told me if I wanted something to eat to grab it. But I was lucky when there was something to grab besides cold pizza or cereal.
Telling me to wash up and join Miss Dixie for dinner was like telling me to tie my shoes for the first time. I awkwardly found the bathroom next door and washed my hands. Twice, just in case. Then I headed down the stairs. I didn’t hear Miss Miller’s voice anymore, but I wasn’t sure she was gone. I slowly looked around the corner. I walked through a large living room with a couple of couches and a big TV. The living room carpet on the floor ended. The beginning of wood floors was the only way you knew you were in the kitchen. There was no wall between them.
The large kitchen had a long table set for six. One end of the table was shoved up against the wall, giving Miss Dixie more room to move between the fridge and the sink. I walked up close to the fridge and was shocked at its size. I thought I heard something and quickly looked behind me. But it was nothing.
“Don’t worry. She’s gone.” Miss Dixie smiled at me. She was near the sink. “I sent Miss Miller home as soon as I could.” She handed me a bowl of mashed potatoes. “Please set this on the table.” I held the warm bowl for a minute and then looked at her awkwardly. “Go on. Put it down anywhere.” She turned back to the oven and pulled out some baked chicken.
My stomach growled. It hurt so bad. I couldn’t help but feel some excitement about sitting at this table. Even if I didn’t know who would be sitting with me. I carefully placed the potatoes near the middle, next to some warm rolls.
“Dinner!” Miss Dixie’s voice yelled so loud that I jumped. She giggled and said, “Sorry, next time I’ll warn you that I’m calling everyone.”
Soon I heard footsteps crashing down the stairs. A small Hispanic boy came charging in the kitchen and headed straight for the chair nearest to me. He looked about eight. He stopped for one second and looked at me. He frowned a little and then smiled. “You must be new.”
“You think?” I said.
“Whatever,” the boy said. He didn’t care if I was rude or not. He looked at the food and yelled as loud as he could. “She said dinner!”
“Now, Rico! No need for both of us to scream. They’re probably washing their hands.” She smiled at him. “Did you?”
Rico sighed and ran to the kitchen sink. He washed for a second before running back to his seat. As I was watching this, I felt a small hand touch mine. I jerked my hand away and looked down to find a small, blond girl looking up at me. Her hair was held back in a pony tail by a huge red bow. “Hi, I’m Mae. I’m four. Will you sit next to me?” She reached for my hand again. I didn’t know what to do, so I let her hold it. But I didn’t really hold her hand. My hand was as stiff as a board. She didn’t seem to care. Mae pulled me to the seat across from Rico and next to her. The living room was behind us.
I looked at Miss Dixie who nodded. “That’ll be a fine seat for you TJ.”
“Oh, what a funny name.” Mae let go of my hand and giggled. “TJ, TJ, TJ,” she repeated.
“Shut up!” I said to the little girl. Her smile turned upside down. Big tears started to fall down her chubby cheek. I stared. I wasn’t sure why she was crying.
“We do
n’t say shut up to each other TJ,” Miss Dixie said. But she was just stating a fact. She walked over to Mae and patted her once on the head. “Mae, you can pull your smile back up. TJ is new and doesn’t know how it works here.”
Mae’s frown disappeared as fast as it came. She looked at me and smiled. “Okay. I forgive you TJ.”
I could feel a heat rise in me. What kind of place was this? I hadn’t done anything wrong, and they were already making me look like I was stupid. I felt myself wanting to take off. But just then Miss Dixie put the baked chicken down in front of me. Leaving could wait until later.
As I stared at the chicken, I felt myself reach for a piece. “Got to wait till we’re all seated,” Mae told me. I put down my hand and stared at the blond brat next to me.
Just then a tall, thin black kid walked in. He had glasses on and his hair was cut short. He sat down between Rico and the wall. He briefly looked at me and nodded. I nodded back.
“That’s Prince,” Mae whispered. “He don’t talk much.”
I looked at Prince who didn’t seem to care he was just being talked about.
“Hi again. I’m Annabelle.” The redhead plopped down next to me. “I see you are sitting on the girls’ side.”
Mae and Rico laughed. Prince didn’t care.
“Miss Dixie put me here.” I felt my face get hot again. Now I’m a girl?
“Chill!” The girl gently touched my arm. “I’m just teasing.”
“I’m hungry!” Rico protested.
“Okay, everyone hold hands.” Miss Dixie smiled as she sat at the end of the table. I looked around the table and saw everyone willingly reach out for each other. Even Prince.
I felt Mae’s hand again, and I looked awkwardly at Annabelle. She smiled and whispered, “Don’t worry, I washed.” She held out her hand. I watched my dark hand being gently folded into her soft white hand.
