Did I Mention I Miss You?

by Estelle Maskame

  And now that I’m here at the front door, the nerves begin to hit me. I’m not sure how Mom’s going to feel about me moving to Portland and transferring schools. Maybe she’ll think I’m being totally ridiculous, or maybe she’ll see it as a good thing. I have no idea. The only way to find out is to tell her.

  The door creaks open a few inches, and Jack peers around the frame, holding Gucci back by her collar. When she sees me, she attempts to make a lunge, almost yanking Jack’s arm straight out of its socket.

  “Oh!” Jack exclaims, surprised. Last he and Mom knew, I was in Portland. “It’s you. Come on in! This is great timing.” He swings the door open fully and drags Gucci away from the threshold, allowing Tyler and me to step inside.

  Gucci’s tail is wagging so fast that I think it may just be hurting her, and she so desperately wants to come to me that she’s even whining. I reach over and rub her ears playfully with my hands, then bend down to plant a kiss on the tip of her nose.

  “Eden!” I hear Mom’s voice say, and her tone is cheerful, obviously delighted to see me. I spin around to see her rushing across the living room toward me, a wide grin on her face, as though our argument before I left didn’t even happen. With Mom, our forgiveness is always unspoken.

  She throws her arms around me and hugs me tight, then steps back to examine me thoroughly. “How was Portland?” she asks teasingly. “I didn’t expect you to be back so soon. I thought you’d stay there for at least a couple weeks. Did I pack enough clothes for you? I threw in your entire closet.”

  I laugh, thankful that there’s no tension between us, and then my laughter subsides when I notice Ella getting to her feet from the couch. She’s widening her eyes in surprise, because neither Tyler nor I have told her that we were coming home today. Like Mom, I think she believes we would have stayed up in Portland for much longer than a week, but what they don’t know is that we’re going straight back tonight.

  “What are you guys doing here?” Ella asks, blinking rapidly as she forces herself over to Tyler, hugging him briefly. She seems more worried than anything else.

  “What are you doing here?” Tyler asks, giving her a questioning look. His gaze flickers between her and my mom. “What’s going on?”

  “We were just talking,” Ella tells us quickly. For a moment, she looks unsettled, but then slowly, a smile spreads across her face as she exchanges a knowing glance with Mom. “And now I’m just passing on my congratulations,” she adds.

  “Congratulations?” I echo, firing Mom a look.

  “Oh, Eden,” Mom says, trying to suppress her grin, “I didn’t want to tell you over the phone. I wanted to wait until you came home so that I could tell you in person.”

  “Tell me what, Mom?” I say very slowly, very firmly. I’m holding my breath.

  She looks at Jack, beaming, and he smiles back at her from the doorway as he continues to hold Gucci. When Mom looks back at me, she jumps forward and thrusts her left hand at me. There’s a dazzling ring on her finger, sparkling as the light hits it.

  My mouth falls open, my jaw hanging low in disbelief. I hold her hand up to my face to study the silver and diamond ring, then I look over at Jack, staring at him in shock. He’s grinning just as wide as Mom and he gives me a nod as though to say, Yes, I finally did it.

  I press both my hands over my mouth, absorbing the fact that my mother is engaged, and then I scream. Just like that, I release a squeal of excitement and drag her into a hug, tears cascading down my cheeks, dampening her shirt. Gucci even howls in sync with my screaming. I think Mom’s crying too. I can’t stop squeezing her, so overwhelmed and so happy for her. I know how long she has waited for this and how badly she has wanted it. Jack treats her well, much better than Dad ever did, and they love each other immensely. It’s about time Jack finally asked that all-important question.

  I think Ella may start tearing up too as the excitement radiates across the room. She’s fanning her eyes with her hands, like she’s trying to stop herself from getting emotional, all the while smiling at us.

  I run from Mom over to Jack, throwing myself against him too. Now I have a stepmom and a stepdad. Maybe having two sets of parents is being greedy, but I love it. I love Ella and I love Jack, and I couldn’t have asked for two better people to become a part of my family.

  With all the commotion that’s going on, Gucci won’t stop barking, and now that Jack has released her, she’s running wild around the living room. Tyler has given my mom a brief hug and has shaken Jack’s hand, congratulating them both.

  “When?!” I ask Mom, wiping tears from my eyes, my grin never fading.

  “Friday!”

  I pull her back into another hug. This was definitely not what I expected to come home to, and I’m so distracted that I’ve forgotten why Tyler and I are even here. That is, of course, until Mom says, “Enough about me. I think Ella and I are desperate to know about you two.” She wipes her eyes with the back of her hand and then narrows her curious gaze at Tyler and me.

  Tyler glances up from ruffling Gucci’s fur, his cheeks flushed. He attempts to suppress his sheepish smile, but he fails miserably at it as he straightens up, taking in Mom and Ella’s awaiting gazes. “Um,” he begins. Anxiously, he scratches the back of his neck, and I’m trying not to laugh as I wait for him to just say it. I don’t know why he’s nervous, because both our moms have already made it clear that they accept and support us. And besides, we’ve done this all before anyway. “So Eden and I are kind of . . .” He pauses, swallowing hard. I think it’s from the pressure of having us all stare at him, impatiently waiting for those words to escape his lips. Taking a deep breath, he announces, “Eden and I are together.”

  “I knew it,” Ella says, and her smile develops into a huge grin.

  Mom’s eyes never leave mine, and we can only smile back at each other, because for the first time in a long time, I think we are realizing that we are both happy. There appears to be pride in her expression, like she knows how hard it was for me to give Tyler a second chance, yet I still did it. Proud that I didn’t follow in her footsteps of just giving up completely when things got tough. Proud that I took the time to hear Tyler out. Proud that we’re now finally together without letting the fear of everybody else’s opinion of us hold us back.

  “Looks like our kids are dating each other,” Mom tells Ella, and they both laugh, high on the joy and excitement that’s already in the atmosphere.

  I glance at Tyler, and he’s already looking at me, appearing relieved. However, as our moms continue to crack jokes, he raises an eyebrow and nods to my mom, mouthing, “Portland.” I’m glad he reminds me, because I’ve been totally distracted. That’s really the main reason why we’re here: to tell my mom that I’m moving back to Portland for good, and that I’m going to continue school there.

  I give Tyler a nod in return, and then I swallow and clear my throat. “Mom, there’s something else.”

  Both Mom and Ella stop laughing, turning to look at me. This time, Mom’s expression is full of concern. “Okay. What?” she asks, sitting down on the couch. Jack immediately joins her, placing an arm around her shoulders. Even Ella looks worried when Tyler nudges her down onto the opposite couch and he sits next to her, while I slide onto the rug in the center of the floor. I cross my legs and Gucci pads over to me, demanding affection. Rubbing her soft ears helps to keep me calm.

  “I’ve made a really big decision,” I begin, staring into Gucci’s big, round glossy eyes because I can’t bring myself to look at Mom. I’m definitely nervous. “I’ve thought it all through and it’s what I want, so I’m not asking for your permission, I’m just letting you know what I’m doing.” I glance up then, my eyes immediately latching onto Mom’s, and I tell her, “I’m going to transfer to Portland State. I’m moving back to Portland.” It’s as simple and as straightforward as it sounds.

  Mom sits forward, blinking at me. “You’re leaving Chicago?”

  “Yes,” I say. “And I’m moving in wit
h Tyler.”

  I catch Ella glance at him, and he gives her a small smile in return. Mom, on the other hand, has her eyes wide. She looks at Jack as though she’s searching for some sort of reassurance from him, but I don’t think he has an opinion on the matter, because he just shrugs.

  “Isn’t this all just a little fast, Eden?” she asks when she glances back at me. Her lips have formed a frown, and I can see her shifting her position on the couch with unease as she thinks about the decision I’ve made. I know I’m taking a huge step, so she has every right to worry that I could be making a mistake, but I know in my heart that I’m not.

  “I’m an adult,” I remind her. “I know what I’m doing and I know what I want. Can you trust me on that?”

  “Yes,” Mom says. “I guess I can.” She stands and then reaches for my hands, pulling me to my feet and ushering me into another hug. Yet this one is different. It’s extremely tight and meaningful, conveying her support, which I seriously appreciate. I can never ask more of her. “If it’s really what you want,” she murmurs against my hair, “then you go for it, Eden.”

  I nod and pull away from her with a smile on my lips, full of gratitude and relief. I can tell that she doesn’t believe my decision is the smartest, but she supports it, and that’s enough.

  “We’re actually heading back to Portland today,” I announce as I take a step back, careful not to trip over Gucci, who’s circling my legs.

  “Today?” Mom repeats.

  “Yeah. We’re taking the coastal route back. We’re making it a road trip, stopping at each city along the way,” Tyler explains, rising to his feet. He falls back into his permanent place by my side. “We’re just here to make everything right.”

  I move closer to him, linking my arm with his. I may have planned at first to have come back on my own, but I’m glad he’s here. Having him around only encourages me to make the changes I desperately need to make. “I’m going to talk to Dad,” I say, glancing between Mom and Ella, and silence ensues.

  After a few long moments, Ella stands and swallows. “We were actually just . . . Just talking about you and him,” she admits, and I furrow my eyebrows at her, waiting for her to explain further, but she only lets out a frustrated sigh. “He’s been unbearable this week, Eden, ever since he found out that you both left for Portland. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m glad you’ve been gone, because I don’t want you to hear the things he’s been saying.” She seems almost guilty as she tells me this, like she’s hurting my feelings. She’s not, because it’s nothing new. That’s why I know there’s something seriously wrong: No father should vocally express contempt for his daughter. “Are you sure you want to talk to him?” Ella asks gently. “Because I really don’t think he’s going to be all that nice.”

  “I’m talking to him,” I state firmly, pressing my lips into a bold line. No matter how much of a douchebag Dad has been this past week, I’m still going through with this. I’m going to stand up to him.

  Ella and Mom both seem incredibly concerned. Maybe they think it’s a bad idea for me to talk to Dad when he’s already so furious at me, but I can’t afford to wait around until he even remotely calms down, because I could be waiting a very long time.

  “Do you want me to come with you?” Mom offers hesitantly. I know she doesn’t want to face Dad, but she’s offering nonetheless, because she’s my mom, and that’s what moms do.

  “No,” I tell her, my voice clear. I can feel my courage building in my chest as my adrenaline starts to flow, and I just want to talk to him now. “I want to do it on my own. Is he at the house?”

  “Yes,” Ella says, albeit reluctantly.

  “Great, then let’s go.” With a brave grin plastered on my face, I unhook my arm from around Tyler’s and head back toward the front door, perfectly aware that each of their eyes are on me. I think even Tyler is surprised by how ready I am to do this.

  “Let me get there first,” Ella says quickly. Already, she’s grabbing her purse from the couch and fumbling around inside it for the keys to her Range Rover. When she finds them, she comes rushing over to me. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her look this distressed before, and she seems to have aged a decade within the space of a minute. “Let me warn him that you’re both coming.”

  I think if I just spontaneously walked through the front door, Dad would most likely burst every single blood vessel in his head, so warning him that Tyler and I are coming isn’t a bad thing. Maybe it’ll give him time to release his anger before we get there. “Okay,” I agree.

  Ella offers me a weak smile then heads out the door while calling, “Congratulations again, Karen,” over her shoulder. Then she almost breaks into a jog as she crosses the road and climbs into her car, the engine purring to life within seconds.

  “Is he really that bad these days?” Tyler asks, turning to me once Ella has driven out of sight. He looks worried now too, mostly because neither of us has seen his mom so on edge before.

  “He must be,” I respond. Last week, he was such an asshole that I didn’t think it was possible for him to get any worse, but apparently he has. I have no idea what to expect when I turn up at that house.

  “I don’t think he’ll ever change,” Mom remarks bitterly. She can’t help herself. Every opportunity she gets to express her hatred for Dad, she’ll take. “Eden, you are one brave human being.”

  I pull a face and shrug, but when I drop my eyes to the floor, the Converse on my feet grasp my attention more so than usual. Something’s tugging at me, but I can’t figure out what it is exactly, so I stare at my shoes in silence until finally it hits me. There’s one last thing I need to do here before I say my goodbyes to Mom, Jack and Gucci, before we head over to Dad and Ella’s place, before we head back to Portland. There’s something I can’t leave behind.

  “Give me a second,” I say.

  Leaving Tyler with Mom and Jack, I dart toward the hall and through my bedroom door. It’s much tidier than it was when I left it, so I figure Mom has cleaned up after me, and when I slide open the door to my closet, it’s completely bare, nothing but a row of empty hangers. It looks like Mom really did pack my entire closet into that suitcase.

  At the end of the summer, I will come home again to officially make my move to Portland, where I will stack the remainder of my belongings into cardboard boxes, which I will then pile into my car, ready for the long drive. So right now, I’m not thinking about grabbing the rest of my stuff. I’m only thinking about one thing and one thing only: the tattered old shoebox tucked away in the far corner of the shelf at the top of my closet.

  Reaching up on my tiptoes, I stick my hand onto the shelf, searching through the pile of junk that has gathered here over the years, until finally, my hand hits the box. Skillfully, I manage to grab it and take it down. There’s a thin layer of dust covering the lid, which I blow off before flipping it open.

  Inside are my Converse, the pair Tyler gave me last summer in New York. The ones that have the original No te rindas scrawled along the rubber in Tyler’s handwriting, with the ink still perfectly clear and bold.

  Sitting on the corner of my bed, I slip off the red Chucks I’m already wearing and replace them with the white pair, Tyler’s pair. They’re coming home to Portland with me, and I’m never going to stop wearing them. I throw my red pair into the box and shove it back up onto the shelf, sliding my closet doors shut.

  I once swore to myself that I would never wear them again, but yet I kept them, because deep down, I knew I still had some hope left. And I was right to have hope, and I was right to give Tyler another chance, and I was right to follow my heart, because sometimes, just sometimes, taking risks turns out to be worth it.

  25

  Dad’s already waiting for us when we pull up to the house. He’s standing at the front door, arms crossed, chest puffed out. His stance is threatening as he glares at us, and I think he may just be attempting to act as a barricade. With his eyes narrowing, his gaze follows Tyler’s car. It is
clear he doesn’t want to have this discussion inside.

  Tyler parks behind Jamie’s car out on the street. He stares back at Dad through his window before he swallows hard and removes his seatbelt, angling his body around to face me. He presses a hand to my headrest, then frowns. “And the plan is . . . ?”

  “You tell your mom the truth about your dad while I deal with the raging bull over there,” I say, nodding over his shoulder. Dad’s still watching us, waiting. Maybe he believes that if he looks menacing enough, it’ll scare us off. Maybe he thinks his pathetic glower is enough to get us to give up and drive off.

  “Sounds a hell of a lot easier than it actually is,” Tyler murmurs. His nerves are rattling him and it’s evident in his features. He looks like he might just throw up.

  “Tell her exactly what you told me,” I say, reaching for his hand. I squeeze my fingers reassuringly around his, smiling gently. I think he definitely has it harder than me. Dealing with Dad is going to be tense and uncomfortable, but Tyler telling Ella the truth about his therapy and his father is going to be overwhelming and emotional, and I know just how difficult it is for Tyler to open up about these things. “She’s your mom, Tyler. She’ll understand. She always does.”

  “I know,” he says, exhaling. He takes a deep breath and glances at our hands. Raising them, he rests his jaw against the back of my hand, his breath warm against my skin. “Are you sure you can handle your dad? He looks so pissed. I can talk to him with you.”

  I grind my teeth together and fix Tyler with a look that says I don’t need his help. “Why don’t any of you believe that I can deal with him on my own?” I ask, but my voice is soft. I’m not annoyed at him for offering, but I’m disappointed that both he and Mom have felt as though I’m not strong enough to defend myself against Dad. “I’m the one who needs to talk to him, and only me, because it’s our relationship that’s in turmoil. No one else can fix it for us.”