Nick and June Were Here

by Shalanda Stanley

  He had to be.

  She reached for the headphones on the side table. “Let’s try them out.” She turned them on and placed them on my head. “They’re synced to my phone for now.”

  She pulled her phone out of her pocket and started a song. I smiled. It was Avril Lavigne’s “Here’s to Never Growing Up,” a song Bethany was convinced was still my favorite.

  “I haven’t liked this song since we were thirteen.”

  “You sing every word to this song every time it comes on the radio,” she countered.

  “It’s not like I forgot the words.”

  “I can’t believe this was ever your favorite song,” she said.

  “It was the eighth grade. It was a confusing time.”

  I held the headphones out and Bethany leaned in so she could hear. We sang together. Bethany knew all the words, too.

  “Pick a different one,” I said.

  We listened to music and traded stories and had so many would-you-rather conversations, until we were sure that we had each uncovered unknown layers of the other person. Bethany stayed and stayed, late into the night, until she was sure that I remembered who I was.

  * * *

  I thought I heard my name. There was a feeling like someone’s fingers on my arm, sliding down and back up again. It was nice. I didn’t want it to stop. When it did, I opened my eyes.

  Nick was squatting next to my bed, his face so close to mine. His face was bathed in lamplight. I’d asked Bethany not to turn the lamp off when she left.

  My brain was in a fog and I blinked a few times, trying to clear it. Since I’d started taking something to help me sleep, I hadn’t woken up in the middle of the night. Maybe that was it. I wasn’t awake. I was dreaming, because he couldn’t be here.

  “Hey,” he whispered.

  “Hey,” I whispered back.

  Dream Nick pushed my covers off and slid me over so he could get in the bed with me. He didn’t take off his shoes.

  We faced each other.

  “I missed you,” he said, pulling me into him.

  His nose was cold where it pressed into my neck. His nose felt real. He felt real.

  “It’s so good to see you here and not in the hospital,” he said, his voice muffled in my neck. “Are you feeling okay?”

  I nodded, because I really didn’t want to get into all of the particulars with Dream Nick.

  He held me for a long time, his fingers drawing circles on my back just like real Nick did.

  “Are you real?” I asked.

  “I’m real,” he said, pulling away from me so I could see his face.

  My pajama shirt had risen up and his belt buckle pressed against the skin of my stomach. It was cold, too. My hands went to it. The metal felt real. His skin felt real.

  “How are you here right now?” I asked.

  “Some things happened,” he said.

  “What things?” I asked, untangling from him and sitting up, still trying to shake the fuzzy feeling in my brain. If this was real Nick, I needed to be sitting up.

  “I left Durrant,” he said, sitting up now, too.

  “You were released?”

  That would explain why he was here. He’d been released and he was so excited to see me that he couldn’t wait until morning. He’d come straight over. But his face didn’t look excited.

  “I wasn’t released. I broke out.”

  “What? Why would you do that? You’re going to be in so much trouble.”

  “I had to.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I’m leaving Creed,” he said.

  “To go where?”

  I was surprisingly calm. Maybe that was the medication. He leaned over the side of the bed and pulled his backpack into the bed with us. Opening it, he pulled out a box. It was a Priority Mail box and it had the words Cremated Remains on the side.

  “I’m going to Hank’s.”

  He handed me the box. He couldn’t be going to Hank’s now. Who was inside the box? It couldn’t be John. I hoped it wasn’t John.

  “Hank died,” he said.

  My hands cradled the box. “This is Hank?” I asked.

  He nodded. “He had a heart attack.”

  “Why is he here?”

  “My mom,” he said. It was his only explanation.

  He had tears in his eyes and I tried to hide the shock on my face. I’d seen him cry one other time and it was the night his dad had gone to prison.

  “I’m so sorry, Nick,” I said, leaning into him. I wanted to put my arms around him but I didn’t think I should put Hank down yet.

  He wiped his eyes. “And John’s home. John was with him when it happened.”

  His eyes changed to something else. He wasn’t sad anymore.

  “I think something happened to him, too. Or something is going on with him. I don’t know why he’d be home early. Why he wouldn’t let me know that he was back.”

  He looked at me like he thought I might have an answer, but I couldn’t know. I was just relieved John wasn’t dead.

  Nick got out of the bed and started pacing, back and forth, between my dresser and the window. He stopped and faced me.

  “Let’s get out of here,” he said.

  “You’re always saying that to me.”

  “Because I always want to get out of here with you.”

  “I can’t go anywhere. I have to stay here and deal with this. I can’t run away.”

  He looked desperate. “It’s not like before, when I’m gone a few months and then I’m home. They’re trying me as an adult. It’s five years or fifteen.”

  “What?”

  “My lawyer said they’re trying to crack down on Benny. I can tell them everything and get five years, or keep my mouth shut and take fifteen.”

  The air got sucked out of the room.

  “I thought about taking five,” he said. “You’d be done with school and I let myself think that maybe there’d be a way for us to be together, but then my aunt Linda came to see me and she told me about Hank and about John and…I have to go. I have to take Hank’s ashes back and bury him. He never wanted to leave the mountain. And I have to see John. I need you to come with me. I don’t think I can do this without you.”

  Five years.

  He sat on the bed with me and took the box from my lap.

  “I know I can’t do this without you,” he added.

  He dropped his head like he was so tired.

  “Tell me what to do and I’ll do it,” he said, resigned.

  He meant it. He would do whatever I said, even if I told him to go back to Durrant.

  “If you leave town, you’ll be in even more trouble when you come back,” I said.

  He didn’t say anything at first and then he nodded, his head still down. “That’s why I’m not coming back.”

  “What?” I asked.

  “I need you to come with me,” he repeated. He looked into my eyes. I didn’t know what he saw there, but he stood up, his face adamant. “Hear me out. You said you would come with me this summer, you—”

  “But it’s not the summer yet,” I said.

  “A lot has changed. I’ve had to move up the timeline.”

  He smiled, a small one, but this wasn’t funny.

  “I know it’s not a good time,” he said. “I didn’t plan it like this and I know I’m asking a lot, but it’s only a five-hour drive. We’ll be there tomorrow. Please. I need you to do this with me.”

  His eyes begged me. He kept saying need.

  “I’m not asking for forever. I don’t deserve that. Just come with me to bury him. Then you can come back home.”

  “How am I getting back?”

  “You can drive Hank’s truck.”

  “I don’t know how to drive.”


  “I’ll teach you. You can do this. You can do anything.”

  Just like Bethany had said. This wasn’t what she’d had in mind, though. I couldn’t breathe.

  “But you’re not coming back? What will you do?”

  “I’ll take what I need from Hank’s cabin and I’ll head to mine and John’s camping spot. Nobody knows where it is.”

  “You’ll just disappear?” I asked. I was crying now.

  His face changed and I could tell he was sorry.

  “You lied to me,” I said. “You told me you’d quit Benny’s, but you stole another car and now…now…”

  Now our lives would never be like they were supposed to be.

  “I didn’t lie. I did quit,” he said, walking to me. “That was my last job. Benny said he’d pay extra for this car and I needed the money.” He sat on the bed. “I was gonna tell you about it. I wanted to tell you about it,” he said, reaching for my hand. “But I didn’t want you to worry about me.”

  “That’s not it,” I said, pulling away from him. “You knew how angry I’d be. You didn’t want me to be mad at you.”

  “No, I didn’t want that either,” he admitted. “I had plans. When we went to Hank’s, I was gonna ask him if I could move up there with him.”

  He’d wanted to move up there.

  “You and Bethany are going off somewhere and I know you think I can come with you and make a life anywhere, but that’s not true.”

  He didn’t know my plans had changed. He was squeezing my hand too tight.

  “I can’t see myself somewhere else. But when I’m in the Ozarks, there’s a whole other side of me, and I wanted you to see it. I wanted you to see that you could live out there, too.”

  He’d wanted me to live out there, too.

  He wouldn’t look at me now, just kept holding my hand and staring at the floor. “Hank knows these people who live completely off the grid and they make it fine. They’ve been making it in the mountains for, like, generations. I wanted to do it, too, but I needed all the money I could get.” He finally looked at me and his face was full of regret. “Everything I try to do turns to shit.”

  It was true. He never knew the right way to get what he wanted.

  “I gotta get out of here,” he said. “I have to bring Hank home. Will you come with me?”

  He was going to start his adventure in the woods and I didn’t know what I’d do, but I’d agree to most anything if it meant putting off saying goodbye to him. I didn’t know if I could do it, but maybe I wouldn’t need college to try on a different June. Maybe I could try one on now.

  “Okay,” I said.

  Such a small word to change everything.

  He didn’t waste time, just went to the closet and threw the door open, not waiting for me to change my mind. His movements were hurried. “You’ll need jeans. Maybe a jacket. It can still get cold at night this time of year. Do you have boots? You’ll need boots.”

  He started throwing things in a bag he’d pulled from my closet. I knew I should move but I felt stuck, watching him pack for me.

  “June? Are we doing this?” he asked when he noticed I hadn’t started moving yet.

  I thought about what Dr. Keels had said about how important it was to stick to my routine. But she couldn’t know that Nick’s uncle would die and Nick would need me to go with him to bury his ashes.

  “We’re doing this,” I said.

  I got up and went to the bathroom and pulled on clothes. I grabbed my medication. We’d be at the cabin the next day, but I didn’t know how long I was staying. Judging from the number of clothes Nick was stuffing in my bag, it’d be a few days. I didn’t know how much medication I’d need, so I brought all of it.

  Nick stood in the middle of the room, my bag in his hand. I dropped the meds in it and grabbed the headphones and notebook off my desk. I stuffed my feet in shoes and grabbed my cell phone.

  “Leave it,” Nick said. “They’ll be able to track you.”

  My parents. What would they do when they found my bed empty in the morning?

  I tore a page from my notebook and grabbed a pen from my desk and started writing.

  Please understand. I’ll be home soon. I love you.

  I left the note on my bed and was almost to the window when I realized that my parents wouldn’t get to tell Nick goodbye. I ran back to the bed and added Nick loves you, too.

  We climbed down the ladder and ran to his car, except it wasn’t his car. He led us to an older-model black car parked down the street, two houses down. Nick opened my door. My knight in a white T-shirt and scuffed-up Converse. His eyes said he was sorry for stealing another one.

  “I can’t take my car,” he explained. “They’ll be looking for it.”

  This car had a bench front seat like Nick’s but no shoulder belts, my hand hanging in the air where a belt should’ve been. There was no belt in the seat either and I felt out of control.

  “We’re gonna be okay,” he said, breathless from running.

  But what if he was wrong? What if this made me sicker?

  My hands shook with fear, or maybe it was excitement. We rode down the street, Uncle Hank sitting between us.

  We were about to pass Bethany’s house. She didn’t live far from me. The light in her bedroom was on.

  I opened my notebook and scribbled:

  Dear Bethany,

  Forgive me for leaving without you.

  Love, June

  P.S. You were right. There are so many surprises.

  Ripping the page out of the notebook, I rolled the window down and sent it flying, hoping she’d find it.

  The road was dark. There were no streetlamps on the route I was taking. It was only a five-hour drive if you took the easy way, but the way we were going wouldn’t be easy and I was pretty sure this car wasn’t going to make it very far. It was a bitch not having GPS. We had to avoid the interstate and major highways for obvious reasons, so I was doing a lot of guesswork when it came to deciding which way to go. There was a map in the glove compartment but it wasn’t that useful. A lot of the back roads of Arkansas weren’t on a map.

  June was asleep, curled up on the seat, using my backpack as a pillow. She’d been trying to stay awake but her meds were too strong.

  I couldn’t believe Hank was dead. It felt like I’d slipped into some alternate timeline and any minute I’d wake up and this would all be a bad dream. I kept replaying the last thing I’d said to him, and my eyes burned.

  June shifted in the seat and frowned in her sleep like she was thinking about something she didn’t like. I kept waiting to feel bad for bringing her with me, but so far I didn’t. I didn’t regret leaving juvie either. Breaking out hadn’t been as easy as I’d hoped, though. I’d almost gotten caught when I slipped out of the kitchen. I hadn’t counted on the guards that were making the rounds right outside. I darted to hide behind the trash cans and knocked into them, making noise. I held my breath for what felt like forever when I heard the guards stop. I could feel them looking at the trash cans. They must’ve figured it was a rat, because after a couple of seconds, they started walking again. I started breathing again.

  Once I got to the truck, I hid in between crates. There were too many of them for me to have room to sit, so I crouched down the best I could. When the driver of the truck pulled the door closed, I was almost sure he saw me, but if he did, he didn’t react. Maybe he’d known boys were stealing rides all along.

  It took me almost two hours to walk from the food depot to the barn. Cutting through the woods to avoid being seen, I made it there an hour past dark. I hadn’t expected Tommy to be there, figured he’d just drop my bag off and leave, but he was sleeping on the cot in the barn’s loft, my bag next to him. I wanted to take it without waking him but then changed my mind. Just because goodbyes were hard
didn’t mean you shouldn’t say them.

  “Hey, Tommy,” I said. “Wake up.”

  He opened his eyes slowly and then sat up all at once. “I didn’t know how long it would take you,” he said. “I didn’t want to miss you.”

  “Thanks for doing this.” I picked up my bag.

  “No problem,” he said. “It’s all there.”

  I opened the backpack and pulled out the package. Rocks settled in my gut.

  “By the way, that’s gross, dude,” Tommy said. “Who is it?”

  “My uncle.”

  It was the first time me and Hank had been in the barn together. My legs felt funny and I had to sit down.

  “Oh. Sorry, man.” He sounded like he meant it. “You didn’t hear because you were out of town, but I quit Benny’s.”

  He made it sound like I’d taken a vacation.

  “Really? Does Benny know about it?”

  “I didn’t write him a letter of resignation or anything, but I think he’ll figure it out when I don’t come back to the garage.”

  “What are you doing for money?” He was the sole provider at his house.

  “My mom found work,” he said. “She got a job at Bates Sawmill. She’s the only woman on her shift.” He smiled, proud of her.

  “That’s awesome, man.”

  “After what happened to you, she didn’t want me working for Benny anymore. Said it was only a matter of time.”

  She was right.

  “You’re right to get out of there.”

  “I got you a going-away present,” he said. “It’s outside.”

  “I’ll meet you out there.” I needed a minute alone.

  He nodded and climbed down the loft’s ladder.

  I lifted the mattress of the cot and grabbed the envelope hidden there. It had three hundred dollars in it, the only money I had left after giving Aunt Linda what was under my bed. I tried not to think about it being the last time I’d walk out of the barn. There were years of my work on the barn’s walls. I’d painted everything I couldn’t say out loud, all the things I’d wanted, spread in colors along the metal and wood.

  I didn’t see Tommy when I walked out of the barn, but then I heard him.