by Sofia Finn
For a few seconds, I considered it. Spending most of my free time with Maddie and not touching her as I wanted, and doing her as I pleased, was hell. I was as randy as a goat.
Nevertheless, I caught Florencia’s hand on its descent, holding it away from my body.
“No.” She wasn’t the one I wanted. Her touch felt almost repugnant.
Florencia’s eyes were hurt. “But baby…” The phone rang, interrupting us. I answered it without checking the caller ID.
“Hello.”
“I killed her!” Maddie’s voice was frantic, high-pitched, and borderline hysteric. “Oh, Cage! I don’t know what to do! I killed my daughter!”
9
Maddie
Seeing my daughter’s unmoving body on the floor was like being trapped in a nightmare.
It was an out-of-body experience. I could feel myself running towards her, feel my mouth opening and screams coming out—but nothing felt real. It seemed like smoky tendrils would cover my vision, and when the haze cleared, Ela’s body wouldn’t be there. Neither would the empty jar of peanut butter in her hand.
Peanut butter. That couldn’t be right. Why did she have that? I had put it away this morning. Hadn’t I?
I didn’t remember. God. I couldn’t remember.
The soundless cries left my mouth. I wondered vaguely if the neighbors could hear me, if they had heard Ela when she was choking. Someone should have been there.
The babysitter, my mind was slow to throw out. There was supposed to be somebody watching my baby. The babysitter. Where the hell is she? I kept screaming and screaming, but no one came.
My baby was dying. I had to save my baby. It was my fault because I had left the peanut butter out. I didn’t remember if I did or didn’t. But I killed Ela.
No! The intrinsic motherly instinct fought with my total and absolute panic. Ela couldn’t die! Get yourself together, Maddie, for fuck’s sake. I don’t care what you have to do but do it, because my daughter can’t die!
Cage.
I was reaching for my phone before I had any rational thought to do so. All I knew was that I had to call Cage. Cage would tell me what to do.
“Hello?”
His voice brought me back to earth—like an anchor dragging me back to reality.
“I killed her.” The haze cleared, and in a rush, the words were pouring out of me. “Oh, Cage, I don’t know what to do! I killed my daughter!”
“Maddie? Maddie, slow down. I can’t understand what you’re saying.”
“I killed my daughter!” I could hear the near-hysterical shriek in my voice and knew that madness teased at the corners of my consciousness once more. It would be so tempting to give in, but I couldn’t. I had to explain to Cage so he could save my daughter.
You can save her too, Maddie. Rational thought invaded my mind. You’re a nurse for crying out loud! You’re freaking out while your daughter is dying. Do something!
But I couldn’t think. Had it been anybody else, my training would have kicked in immediately, and I would have immediately jumped into action. But seeing my Ela lying dead on the floor had removed every single thought from my head.
“Calm down.” Cage’s words were an order, voice firm and forceful. I instinctively respond, irrational sounds seizing.
No. Ela couldn’t be dead. I had to do something.
I immediately checked her pulse, heart pounding in relief when I feel a weak flutter. Good. The subtle rise and fall of her chest suggested she was still breathing. Now, I have to do something else. What is it? Oh right, she was having an allergic reaction, so I had to give her some EpiPen. I kept it in the bathroom drawer.
“Maddie, what’s happening?”
I ignored him, dashing to the bathroom and grabbing the auto-injector from its box, returning quickly. With urgency, I placed the needle against Ela’s thigh, pinching a significant portion of the flesh and injecting, pressing down until the syringe was empty.
“Maddie, for the love of God, tell me what’s happening?”
I grabbed the phone again, mind on autopilot. “Hold on, Cage. I have to call 911.”
“I already called them on the landline. They’re on their way. So am I.”
“Good,” I breathed out and pressed my ears against my daughter’s chest. She was still breathing. Relief washed over me.
“What happened, Maddie?” Cage’s voice was rough in its inquiry.
I tried to think of where to start, but my mind kept flashing to all the unimportant things. Think Maddie. Focus. What happened?
Earlier that day, I had been running late. I had been pulling doubles every other day to save up for Ela’s party, and I had slept through my alarm. I had been exhausted. But I was determined to give Ela the princess party she’d always wanted. The party I never had. My little girl had been so good lately, and she deserved it. So, I figured I could pull a double for a few weeks, get that sweet overtime money, and cash out like a bandit.
But Ela was dead, and it was my fault.
“Maddie.” Cage’s voice was a rumble in my ear, and since some of the danger had passed, he finally pierced through the confused boom of my consciousness.
What went wrong?
So many things had happened that day—Cage defending me from Dr. Grayson, Tessa getting pissed at me…where to start?
“Peanut butter.” My voice was a sharp contrast to the earlier hysteria. It sounded flat, hollow, dead. “I forgot to put it away today. I left it on the counter. Debbie, the babysitter, left. She just left and didn’t call me. Ela is dying because of her.”
“I’ll be there soon. Just wait, ok?” His voice was soothing in its cadence. I could just make out the purr of his car over the phone. It made me think of what Tessa had said to me earlier.
“Did you fuck him?” She’d cornered me in the break room after the incident with Dr. Grayson, glaring fiercely.
“Who? Grayson?” The thought had sent a shudder to me. Since I started working there, the man had been bothering me, and I couldn’t exactly report him because his actions hadn’t really crossed into full-blown sexual harassment territory. I could probably tell Cage, but…who was I kidding? Cage would probably think I did something to warrant the harassment.
“No, not Grayson. Burke. Are you fucking Dr. Burke?”
“Cage? Of course not.” I denied it, but my voice broke halfway through, and I’m pretty sure my face was red as a tomato.
Tessa’s eyes narrowed. Definitely didn’t convince her. She looked furious. And then her face contorted into a mocking smile. “Sleeping with the boss? I never thought you were the type Red. How the hell did you get him to fuck you? You must be a freak in bed because, looks-wise, you’re not that pretty.”
Perhaps I would have been mad at the comment if the jealousy wasn’t so apparent. But, I just felt sad for her. “Gee thanks, Tessa. But it’s actually none of your business who I decide to sleep with.”
“Well, it’s the business of the hospital, however.” She had an evil smile. And then she rolled her eyes at my confused look and added, “What, did you not read the handbook, Red? St. John’s prohibits any sexual contact between staff members, especially doctors and nurses. It’s a fire-able offense.”
My eyes widened. I had only skimmed the handbook but had never seen that rule. It seemed so ridiculous I was tempted to think Tessa had made the whole thing up.
But she seemed so smug I knew she hadn’t. “Yeah. So all I have to do is say one word to the board, and your ass is gone. Got it?”
“But I haven’t done anything!” I said. “I swear.” And I wasn’t going to do anything with Cage Burke either. I needed the job. Ela and I needed it. I couldn’t jeopardize my daughter, not for my own selfish desires.
Tessa didn’t look like she believed me. “We’ll see about that.”
I’d spent the rest of the day in fear that Tessa would indeed go to the board with her suspicions, and I would get canned before the day was out. Maybe I should have gone to Cage, but the
terrified part of me couldn’t help but wonder if it was all part of his master plan. Perhaps, he had set out to seduce me to get me fired. Then when I was unemployed—because who wanted to hire a new nurse who hadn’t even made it past the first month at her job—he would swoop in as the only financially capable guardian for Ela and take her from me.
But no. I knew it was wrong for two reasons. Cage wasn’t that indirect. He wouldn’t go through all that trouble if he wanted to get rid of me. He would just do it.
Also, maybe it was just my imagination, but I felt like we had gotten closer over the months. Like we had become, maybe even friends?
The way he had defended me that day was more like lovers than friends. But that was beside the point. Point was, I didn’t think he was still trying to take Ela from me. Was he?
No, I had thought at the time. I’ll never let him.
But with the way he burst into my home right after the call, kicking down my door with only a blow and beating the ambulance by a few seconds, he probably should have. He would be a far better guardian to Ela than me. I couldn’t even remember to put the stupid peanut butter away so that my daughter wouldn’t get to it.
“Maddie.” Cage squatted down in front of us, breathing heavily like he ran all the way to us. He reached out and ran the back of his hand down Ela’s cheek. Her chest was rising and falling more obviously now, but she was still unconscious.
“I almost killed her.” I sounded as broken as I felt. “I didn’t think, and I almost killed my daughter.”
“What happened?” He looked around and, catching sight of the peanut butter on the ground. His expression darkened.
I winced, waiting for the deserved reprimand. “You were right,” I said. “It was too dangerous to have around.”
But everything that I expected to happen, the fury, the accusations, him dragging my daughter away from my arms to take her somewhere safer…all that didn’t happen. Instead, he pulled Ela and me against his body and whispered, “Jesus, Maddie.”
His spicy scent surrounded me and gave me the refuge I needed for the words to start pouring out. “It was my fault. I think I left it out this morning. I thought…” My voice hitched. “How could I be so stupid….” I broke down then, the sobs coming out of me. Cage held me all the while, silent, apart from a few comforting murmurs. We remained there as the paramedics brought the stretcher in. Cage drew me away from Ela and gave the men the information they needed. I was silent, watching as they took my little girl away.
10
Maddie
We rode in the ambulance in complete silence.
Well, I was silent. Cage gave orders and made demands, probably frustrated the hell out of the EMTs before he was satisfied that Ela was being provided with adequate oxygen. Technically, he wasn’t even supposed to be in there with me. Only one person could ride with the ambulance with the patient, and as her mother, it was my duty. But Cage had taken one look at my face and climbed in alongside, daring the EMTs to say anything. They hadn’t. They probably knew enough about Dr. Cage Burke not to.
He would have made such a good father.
The hospital was only a few blocks away from my home, but it might as well have been in a foreign country. When we arrived at the ER, the night shift nurses were already waiting with the gurneys and another oxygen tank. Cage must have called ahead.
They raised Ela’s little body onto the bed. They speedily transported her to a room, already checking her vitals and asking for information along the way. Information that Cage provided while I remained silent, moving like a zombie. I felt like that too, as lifeless as Ela’s pale face on the white sheets.
“3 y/o female, status post loss of consciousness due to anaphylaxis caused by ingestion of peanuts. Other symptoms likely hypotension, weak pulse, and rapid heart rate. She needs immediate oxygen and IV.”
Cage’s voice was clinical, and it was tempting to think that it all wasn’t even affecting him. I almost resented him for it. Resented the way he always managed to remain calm in every storm, rational when everything in me felt like it was dying. I resented the way he sounded just like any doctor saving lives, like it was any other patient.
Until I saw his hand tremble.
I saw it again when he brought it up to touch Ela's hand and feel her pulse before they transported her onto the bed. His giant paw swallowed her little palm, and I saw the way his jaw tightened when he felt how weak it was.
He hid it well, but he wasn’t unaffected by what was happening. It probably hit him just as hard as it was hitting me.
The only difference was, he was dealing with it better, being productive. While I was just falling apart.
They got Ela situated in no time at all, and everything moved so quickly. Cage spoke to the doctor in charge, and they conferred about the treatment plan. Everything got sorted out while I stood and watched. My eyes hurt from crying, and my head was pounding, but I still stood, waiting for my poor baby to wake up, open up her pretty blue eyes and look at me again. It wasn’t until I felt Cage’s hand on my shoulder that I realized how long I had been standing there staring at my daughter’s body.
“Come on.” His eyes were weary. “Let’s go sit outside. There’s nothing you can do for her here.”
I shook my head. I wanted to be near my daughter in case she woke up or in case…something else happened.
Cage disagreed. “She needs rest. And believe it or not, so do you. Come on, let’s just go to the cafeteria for a few seconds.”
I shook my head again, but I didn’t resist as he dragged me from the room. He closed the curtain, shielding my daughter from me. His warm hand wrapped around mine, and he led me down the hallway, past rooms, and all the way to the cafeteria. Neither of us felt the need to talk as we walked, but his hand was my lifeline for the entire journey.
The cafeteria was mostly empty, save for a group of men huddled in one corner. Most of the food stations were closed down, so Cage grabbed a few premade sandwiches and juice boxes from the vending machine and brought it to our table. I faced the door; that way, I could see if any of the nurses came in with good or bad news.
“Why are you being so nice to me?” The question slipped out of me after we’d been sitting in silence for about six solid minutes. I hadn’t touched my food because I wasn’t confident that I could keep it down. Cage had eaten his sandwich with a distinct lack of enthusiasm. He took another bite, mechanically chewing as he considered my question.
“What am I supposed to be doing?” he asked after he’d swallowed.
I shrugged. “I don’t know, the usual? Telling me what a horrible mother I am? That I’m a horrible alcoholic who isn’t fit to take care of a child and whose negligence could have gotten her daughter killed.”
Cage was silent for a few more beats, his expression unreadable. “Is that what you want me to say?”
“Well, you would be right, wouldn’t you? You are right about all of it. So congratulations, I guess. And I’ll save you time with getting your lawyers and whatnot.” I had to stop then because I was choking up. I forced through anyway. “Just send whatever documents you need me to sign, and I’ll sign over custody to you. You’ll be Ela’s legal guardian.”
“You would give up your child that easily?” His tone was tense, expression shocked with anger.
Tears jumped into my eyes, and I looked away. “Ela deserves better than me,” I whispered.
The guilt that had been churning in my gut ever since I’d seen the peanut butter container on the floor boiled over. “She deserves someone who can give her the world. Someone who is grounded and knows what the hell they’re doing. Not someone like me who keeps fucking peanut butter in her house even knowing it might kill her.”
“Maddie—”
“Ela almost died, Cage!” I cried out. “I thought I could be a good mother to her, and I almost killed her! Clearly, I’m fucking delusional. I mean,” A rough sound, more sob than laugh, tore out of my throat. “What was I thinking? I actually
thought that I could do this whole motherhood thing by myself. Me, Maddie Flynn, a mother? Do you even know who my parents were? Well, I’ll tell you. They were fucking drug-addicted hippies, ok? They didn’t know the first thing about raising a child. I mean, sure, nothing bad really happened to me. I wasn’t abused or anything, but they certainly didn’t give two shits about me, or whether I was hanging out with the wrong crowd, or whether I even went to school or not. You know what they call that? Neglect. Rodrick and Melissa Flynn were too busy getting high on coke and whatever else they could get their hands on that they didn’t have time for things like PTAs or hell, even making me lunch.” I threw my hands up, gesturing wildly. “So, you see, that’s the example I had growing up. I have no idea what a normal family even is like, and here I am trying to provide that for Ela? Thinking that she was better of with me than with Ben. What a laugh. I mean, at least, Ben had you…who the hell do I have?”
“Maddie—"
“It’s like you said, right? It doesn’t matter what I want, only what has to be done. I want to be a good mom to my daughter. I want to work hard to provide her with a better life. But clearly, I can’t do both, so what needs to be done is that Ela has to be given a stable guardian. That’s you. So, congratulations, buddy. You’re it.”
My smile was a bitter caricature as I raised my juice box in a toast. Cage’s regarded me silently, eyes blazing with an emotion I couldn’t describe.
Finally, he suppressed it with a sigh. He crossed his arms over his barrel chest. “Well, if you’re making your judgment based on the types of parents we had, you may want to reconsider me as your decision. Because Ben and I’s childhood wasn’t exactly perfect either.”
I felt my eyes widened, and the words he had said to me before came to mind.
I thought the world owed me something for all the abuse I had taken up to that point.
It was hard to imagine someone as huge and virile as Cage getting abused, but the look he gave me told me it was true.
