Until It Sleeps

by Val Crowe

  They directed me to an online form I had to fill out.

  So, I did that, filling out that form and submitting it.

  And then I tried to think of someone else who would know about the object she’d hidden. I knew that Kadan didn’t know. He had been specific about that. He said that Tex and Cheyenne had argued about it numerous times, but they never said what it was and never told him.

  I figured the kid probably wanted to block out Tex and Cheyenne’s arguments, anyway. It was probably all really traumatic for him.

  The only person I could think to ask was Cheyenne’s mother.

  I called Wade and asked for Virginia’s number, which he gave me, even though he told me he wasn’t sure why I wasn’t dropping this.

  “I don’t know,” I told him. “I should drop it. I really should.”

  “Yeah,” he said. “You should.”

  But I didn’t.

  * * *

  “What are you, Wade’s boyfriend or something?” Virginia said on the other end of the phone.

  “Uh, just his best friend,” I said.

  “Well, you never know these days,” said Virginia. “I don’t have any problem with gays, mind, but I do wish Wade would have told me he was one.”

  “He’s not gay,” I said. “Wade and I are friends. Besides, he was in a relationship with your daughter.”

  “Oh, that doesn’t mean anything,” said Virginia. “They’re always coming out later in life, you know?”

  “We should really stop talking about this,” I decided. So what if Wade had been gay? Why should that matter? I knew Virginia was old, but that kind of shit pissed me off. “I wanted to talk to you about Cheyenne.”

  “What about her?” said Virginia. “Is this about that ghost stuff?”

  “Oh, so you know about that?”

  “Kadan told me,” said Virginia. “Why did you tell him that he saw a ghost?”

  I sighed. “Uh… well, at the time, it seemed like a good idea.” Because I hadn’t been thinking about how it would sound recounted to a third party by a seven-year-old. Damn it.

  “And his father went along with it, I understand?” said Virginia. “Even though he says his father told him he couldn’t see the ghost.”

  “Well…” I cleared my throat. “You’re right, Mrs. Terrell. That wasn’t a great way to handle the situation. The next time I see Kadan, I’ll talk to him about it, get it all cleared up.”

  “Well, if you’re not Wade’s boyfriend, I don’t see why Kadan should have to see you at all.”

  “Fine,” I said. “I’ll have Wade talk to him about it.” And say what? Don’t talk to your grandmother about this stuff? She doesn’t understand? I was sure that would work just fine. “I really am sorry. I’m not trying to cause problems for Kadan.”

  “This little boy already has bad enough nightmares without mixing ghosts in there,” she said. “He needs to be helped, not given more fodder for his overactive imagination.”

  “I see exactly what you mean,” I said. “I made a mistake.”

  “You did.”

  “And I really apologize for that,” I said. “So, could we talk about Cheyenne?”

  “I don’t see why,” she said.

  “Listen, before Cheyenne died, she hid something, and Tex wanted to know what it was. Do you know what she hid?”

  “Honestly, I’m coming to regret inviting Kadan’s father into his life,” said Virginia. “Ever since I did that, things have been up in the air all the time. All the excitement isn’t good for Kadan.”

  “Well, I think it’s good for Kadan to know his father,” I said. “And honestly, Wade should have been involved from the beginning.”

  “I don’t think so,” said Virginia. “He seems like a very irresponsible person to me. What kind of person hasn’t graduated college by the time he’s twenty-five?”

  “Wade’s a good guy,” I said. “And he’s going to graduate this spring.”

  “Well, I can’t take it back now,” said Virginia. “So, don’t you worry. It would crush Kadan to lose his father now. But if I could take it back, I would.”

  “Mrs. Terrell, are Kadan’s nightmares worse now that he’s turned in Tex?”

  “He’s worried about me,” said Virginia. “He says that Tex is coming after me.”

  “And you told him Tex was in a cell?”

  “I don’t need advice from you, young man. You don’t know anything about raising children.”

  Well, that was true enough. “I guess I was just hoping that he would have found some closure is all.” I had been wrong. I had pushed Kadan into this, and it had only upset him worse. I was a dumbass.

  “We did have closure,” said Virginia. “But what’s happened now has only stirred everything back up again. I wish you would have let it lie.”

  “Even though Tex would be free?” I said.

  “Who cares about that man, as long as he stays away from me?” said Virginia.

  “But you must have known that Cheyenne would never have committed suicide. You knew that none of it was true.”

  “What I know now is that I don’t want to continue this conversation.’

  “Please, Mrs. Terrell, do you have any idea what Cheyenne could have hidden?”

  “I’m hanging up now,” she said.

  “Please, let’s talk.”

  But she did hang up.

  I let my phone drop dejectedly at my side. Okay, this was a sign. I really did need to let his go.

  * * *

  “She really said that?” Wade was clutching a beer. We were in the bar and it was around 9:00 in the evening. “She said that she wished she’d never brought me into Kadan’s life?”

  I nodded. “Yeah.”

  “Well, hell.”

  “Look, it’s my fault. I pushed him to talk about what happened at the house.”

  “Yeah, and now his fucking stepfather is locked up,” said Wade. “That’s a good thing.”

  “But Virginia says he’s still having nightmares,” I said. “I thought that getting it out would help, but it doesn’t seem to have done so. He’s still upset.”

  “Well, you’re going to be upset about seeing your mother get murdered,” said Wade. “There’s no way around that. I’ve been thinking you’re right about the therapy thing.”

  “Did you bring that up to Virginia?”

  “She doesn’t think I should stir it up. She thinks that’s best to let the dust settle.”

  “But this kid needs help,” I said.

  “Right?” said Wade. “If I could get him on my insurance, it would be one thing.”

  “But you’re on your dad’s insurance, right?”

  “Right,” said Wade. “And my dad can’t insure grandchildren, not unless they live with him.”

  “Do you think the money is why Virginia is against it? Maybe she doesn’t have great insurance. I mean, maybe she’s on Medicare or something. How does that work for older people?”

  “I have no freaking clue,” said Wade. “Look, I don’t want her to think that I’m bad for Kadan. I want her to give me more time with my kid, and it doesn’t sound like she’s going to want to do that.”

  “I’m really sorry, dude.”

  “Damn it, I am going to have to take her to court or something. I don’t want to do that. I don’t want her and me to be enemies. I don’t think that would be good for Kadan.” He shook his head. “Maybe if I’m just patient, she’ll come around.”

  “I wish I knew what to tell you, man,” I said.

  He took a long drink of his beer. “Anyway, maybe it doesn’t matter, because maybe I shouldn’t be around him all that much, anyway.”

  “Why would you say that?”

  “I’ve just been thinking.” He ran a finger around the rim of his glass. “I don’t really know how to be a dad. I never had a good role model. My dad beat the shit out of me. And there’s that whole cycle of abuse thing, you know? How people who are abused go on to abuse as well?”

&
nbsp; “That’s actually horseshit,” I said.

  “What?”

  “The cycle of abuse thing isn’t true,” I said. “They’ve done studies and stuff, and people who are abused aren’t anymore likely to commit abuse that people who’ve never been abused. It was some theory that someone put forth and never backed up with evidence. Because the evidence wasn’t there.”

  “Are you serious?”

  “Yes, look it up,” I said. “Go on, google that shit.”

  He raised his eyebrows and shrugged. “Okay, maybe I’ll look into it later.”

  “Do that,” I said. “You are a great dad. You would never hurt Kadan, and you need to be in his life, because he needs you.”

  He took a deep breath. “I hope you’re right, man.”

  “I am,” I said.

  Wade finished his beer.

  “You want me to buy the next round?” I said.

  “Actually, I’m thinking that I’m going to get out of here early tonight,” said Wade. “I have class in the morning.”

  I nodded. “Right.”

  “You don’t mind?”

  “No, of course not,” I said. But this was what I’d been scared of when I found out Wade’s news. Things changing between us. It was already starting. Now, Wade was going to be responsible and go home from the bar early. Rylan was already in a serious relationship, and now Wade had a kid.

  I had…

  I sighed.

  Well, I was never going to have that kind of a normal life or anything.

  I didn’t even know if I wanted it.

  Not everyone has to settle down and have kids and buy a house with a white picket fence and a two-car garage, you know? Some of us can be different and march to our own drum. The only thing about being different was that it was lonely a lot.

  After Wade left the bar, I hung out for a while.

  I tried to strike up a few conversations, but the bar was full of college students who were on a completely different wavelength than I was. Eventually, I left and went back to the Airstream. On the way back, I told myself that I really needed to give some serious thought to moving on from this case. I should text my mom and ask her if she knew about any other strange cases that I could be checking into. There was no reason to stick around here any longer.

  * * *

  “You’re back early,” said Mads as I entered the Airstream.

  “Yeah, Wade wanted to go to bed because he’s got a class in the morning.” I bent down and opened my refrigerator. I snagged another beer. I wasn’t done drinking.

  “He’s really knuckling down,” she said.

  “He’s got Kadan to think about now,” I said.

  “Right,” she said.

  “Hey,” I said, popping open the beer. “You never follow me to the bar.”

  “What’s the point of that?” she said. “You can hear me, but you can’t talk back. Might as well stay clear.”

  “Do you spy on me?” I said. “Keep out of sight and come anyway?”

  “Nah,” she said. “I guess I don’t much like watching you talk to other girls.”

  “Come on,” I said. “You know that I’m not looking for anyone else.”

  “I do know that,” she said. “But I want to go on the record as saying I never asked for that.”

  “Maybe not in so many words,” I said. “But you made it pretty clear that you didn’t like it when I was with other women. Crystal clear.”

  “Yes, but I apologized,” she said. “I told you that I didn’t mean any of that, and I tried to set you free, and you…”

  I fell apart. She disappeared and I lost it.

  We were both quiet.

  I took a long drink of beer. “Let’s talk about something else.”

  “You always want to change the subject.”

  “Because this is a depressing subject,” I said. “We go round and round and we never get anywhere. Frankly, I’m bored by this conversation.”

  “Someday,” she said, “you’re going to want to have kids.”

  I laughed softly. “And she comes out swinging.”

  “Well, you are.”

  “I knew you were angling to have this conversation,” I said. “I don’t want to.”

  “Don’t want to have kids or don’t want to have the conversation?”

  “Both,” I said.

  “I don’t believe you.”

  “Oh, trust me, I can think of lots of things I’d rather be doing than talking about this,” I said.

  “I mean about not wanting kids.”

  “Mads, I’m twenty-five years old. That’s way too young to have kids.”

  “It doesn’t seem young to me,” she said.

  “Yeah, but that’s because you’re from another time when people had children when they were teenagers or some shit.”

  “Maybe,” she said. “But I don’t know. You don’t really know anything about me.”

  “I know that you’ve always been there for me,” I said. “I know that I can count on you. And I know that there are some things that no one understands except you. And all of that is a hell of a lot more important to me than some nebulous future child I might want to spawn. Now, let’s drop it.”

  She pressed her lips together.

  I concentrated on my beer.

  We were quiet.

  “The thing with the body?” she said. “We don’t even know if it would work. Didn’t Dominique say that when Negus possessed that vessel, she started to literally fall apart after a few months?”

  “She did say that,” I said. “But that was Negus, not you.”

  “Still,” she said. “If you wanted me in a body, even if it wasn’t, like, morally repugnant, it still wouldn’t be the same. And I doubt I could keep one alive long enough to like… carry to term.”

  “Why are you obsessed with kids?” I said. “I’m not even thinking about that shit. I swear.”

  She didn’t say anything.

  I went over to the table at one end of the Airstream and I sat down heavily. “Did you have a kid? Like, when you were alive?”

  “I don’t know,” she said, her response automatic.

  “Maybe you do know,” I said. “Maybe if you can’t remember, you can feel that somewhere. Maybe this is about you, not me. Maybe you’re the one who is pining away for children. Your real children, not some vague, possible children from a future that may never exist.”

  Her nostrils flared. “Of course I’m pining.”

  “You are?” I was taken aback. I hadn’t expected her to agree with me so easily.

  “I pine for all of it,” she said. “Everything you have that you take for granted. The feel of a soft blanket against your skin. The taste of a drink of hot coffee. The warmth of the sun on my face. Yes, I wish I was alive. This… existence… whatever it is that I have, it’s gray and dark and empty. And I pine. Oh, how I pine. You have no idea how much that I…”

  I hung my head. I felt like shit. I mean, sure, I’d thought this before. I’d thought that this might be what motivates ghosts, deep down. That they simply wanted to be alive again, and that was why they raged so hard, that was why they craved the energy they sought. Maybe that energy was the closest thing they could feel to being alive now. But I never really thought about that when it came to Mads.

  “I should go,” she said quietly.

  My head snapped up. “No, don’t. I…” I took a deep breath. “I think we need to talk more seriously about this possession idea. You’re suffering, Mads, and if there’s a way—”

  “It would be selfish,” she said. “It would be wrong.”

  “So?” I said.

  She shook her head.

  “I want you to feel the sun on your face,” I said. “I want that for you more than I think I’ve ever wanted anything for anyone. And if there’s a way that we can make that happen for you—”

  “No,” she said. And then she was gone in a wisp of black smoke.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  I got a ca
ll late that night, near midnight. It was Virginia Terrell. I hadn’t expected to hear from her again, especially not at that time of the night. She sounded old when I answered. Old and tired and frail.

  “Do you really see ghosts?” she asked softly.

  “I do,” I said.

  “I don’t believe in ghosts,” she said.

  “Well… I wouldn’t either if I didn’t see them,” I said.

  “How do you know you’re not simply crazy?” she said.

  I considered. “I guess I don’t. It could be that. But I don’t think so. I’ve seen things and experienced things that lead me to conclude something else.”

  “Have you ever seen my daughter? Have you seen Cheyenne?”

  I hesitated. “Yes.”

  “Was she… okay?”

  I was sitting on the edge of the bed in the Airstream. I massaged the bridge of my nose with the hand that wasn’t holding the phone. How to answer this? “Listen, Mrs. Terrell,” I said gently, “what I see, I don’t think it’s Cheyenne, not truly. I think it’s just a piece of her. I think Cheyenne’s essence—her soul, if you want to call it that—is somewhere else.” Or maybe it ceased to exist when she died. But I wasn’t going to say that out loud.

  “So, she’s not okay,” she said. “That’s what you’re telling me, isn’t it?”

  “If she was okay, she wouldn’t be hanging on,” I said.

  “She’d be at peace.”

  “For lack of any other way to put it, yes.”

  “And you want to help her? You want to help my little girl?”

  “Yes,” I said. “If I can.”

  “All right,” she said, sounding defeated. “Ask me those questions you were asking before if you want.”

  “I know that Cheyenne hid something from Tex,” I said.

  “How do you know that?”

  “I saw it,” I said. “I was at the house and I saw apparitions acting out a scene that must have happened in the house. Tex was asking her where she hid it, and she wouldn’t tell him. He got angry. He…” I hesitated. “He hit her.”

  “I always thought he was doing that,” said Virginia in that tired voice of hers. “I tried to ask her about it, and she would never tell me the truth. She would always say that she would never let anything like that happen, and that she wouldn’t keep Kadan in a house where he wasn’t safe. But she had bruises sometimes, and she was always so worried about checking in with Tex. He would get angry if she didn’t call him right away when she arrived someplace. I know that’s a sign of an abusive, controlling person. I was always worried that she was being hurt. I always was.”