Lost Soul

by Theresa Van Spankeren

  I paced my room nervously for at least an hour. I kept fiddling with my veil and wondering what Gregory was going to be like. There was a knot in my stomach that seemed to grow larger as the wedding time drew closer. I had no idea what to expect in this marriage and that kind of frightened me.

  A few hours later we were at the church. Peter and his family were sitting in the first pew with my mother and Crystal. The rest of my family and Gregory’s family filled the other pews. I looked at my father standing next to me and smiled. I had finally resolved to give this marriage a try. Perhaps I would be happy. Father smiled back.

  “You will be happy, Juliana,” he whispered softly as we started down the aisle.

  When he handed me off to Gregory, I looked at him closely for the first time. He was rather good looking with long black hair and gray eyes. But there was something to his eyes and mouth I didn’t like. His mouth was slightly twisted almost like a triumphant sneer. I blinked in surprise and then he was smiling broadly. I shook off what I had seen a second ago as my imagination, and took his hand. A smile also spread across my face and we walked to the altar. It was a smile of resignation. There was nothing more I could do to stop this wedding and I knew it.

  We took our vows and kissed. His lips were soft but I broke off the kiss first. I still didn’t know what to think of this but I knew I couldn’t fight it any longer.

  Within an hour the ceremony had ended and we left the church. People were standing outside, beaming, and throwing rose petals. I gazed around and saw a familiar face in the back of the crowd. My eyes widened in surprise. I nearly dropped the bouquet when I saw him.

  Adam was leaning against the building, scowling. He stared directly at my husband for a long minute and there was no mistaking the jealousy and anger that was in his eyes. He met my eyes for a moment and then turned away. Within seconds, he was gone. “Juliana, are you all right?” Gregory asked in concern.

  “Aye.” I managed. “I just thought I saw someone.”

  “Don’t worry.” Gregory answered, tightening his grip on me. He steered me towards the carriage. He helped me up and we drove off.

  ***

  Chapter 2

  It’s been three months since my marriage and the last time I had seen Adam. I’ve spent the time getting settled in my new home and getting used to the fact that I’m now a married woman. I’m angry because it just means more limitations to my freedom which had already been seriously compromised. We live close to the palace and my neighbors all know me by the shortened version of my name. I prefer it that way. Juliana Smith is too long in my opinion.

  So far, Gregory seems nice except he’s extremely controlling. He watches my every move, and tells me where I can and cannot go. He’s always sent one of the house servants to get supplies. He told me he just wanted me to settle into the house and adjust to marriage before I go out. I personally think he just doesn’t want me to see Adam.

  Although Gregory had never locked the doors or the windows, he made it very clear that he did not want me to leave the grounds. A month after I had moved into the home, I attempted to talk to him about it. I had explored both the house and the grounds thoroughly and was now very bored.

  “My lord?” I questioned, tapping on his study door.

  Gregory looked up from what he was reading. “You may call me Gregory, Julia. I told you weeks ago that you may call me by name.”

  “I am sorry...Gregory,” I said hesitantly.

  “Do not worry about it, Juliana. What is it you need?”

  “My – Gregory, it has been a month since our marriage. Why is it that I cannot leave these grounds?” I asked.

  Gregory sighed, an impatient sound. “Juliana, you need time to adjust to marriage...and to your new role. You will not go out yet. Stop talking about this nonsense and go make whatever clothing you need. I do not have the time to discuss this foolishness.”

  Angry, I withdrew from the room. “Aye, my lord,” I said haughtily and went to embroider even more clothes. That and supervising the maids seemed to be the only things I did lately. The rest of the months came and went in the same manner. Gregory did not relent and I wasn’t sure what he had told the servants.

  Today, though, I’ve decided to ignore my husband’s orders. I am so bored; it’s almost making me physically sick. Gregory isn’t home, he’s on business. I still haven’t a clue what he does. However, that’s not the point. We need some fruit and I want to go out to London’s market. I haven’t been there in months. I want to be able to move freely in crowds for a few hours and smell the fresh scents of flowers and manure.

  It is a fairly chilly fall day so I decided to wear my cloak. I was preparing to leave the house when one of our servants, David, entered the room. He was Gregory’s man–servant. We had several other servants, four maids, and one cook. “Mistress Julia, where are you going?” he asked quietly.

  “Out to the market. When Gregory comes home, let him know. You can’t stop me from going out,” I answered quietly.

  “But Mister Gregory said – –" David started in protest.

  “I don’t care what Gregory said. I am your mistress and you will obey me. I shall go where I wish, when I wish. It’s been months since he’s allowed me to go there. I wish to see what changes there are,” I snapped angrily.

  “Aye, Mistress Julia,” David said meekly. I turned and walked out the door. I enjoyed walking and didn’t mind walking to the marketplace.

  I was happy and somewhat relieved when I joined the hustle and bustle of the crowds. I walked over to where a young woman was selling expensive jewelry. I had taken the money that I was supposed to give to one of the servants to get our supplies. I didn’t think Gregory needed to know. I bought myself a gorgeous necklace and moved on to the next stand. This was a food stand selling the fruit we were in such desperate need for. I looked around uncertainly for a salesperson. “Hello?” I called out dubiously.

  A young man lifting boxes in the back turned around. He slowly walked to the front of the stand where I stood. “Aye?” he asked roughly.

  I stared at him in surprise. It was someone I hadn’t been able to see in months. “Adam?” I asked softly.

  Adam stared back at me in cool detachment. He pushed back his long light brown hair but didn’t immediately say anything. After a long uncomfortable minute he spoke. “What do you need, Madame?” he asked in a quiet indifferent voice.

  “Some apples please,” I answered coldly, angry and confused about his behavior towards me. Adam nodded and turned away. After a minute he looked back at me. For a second I saw through the mask. I saw a brief flash of pain and bitterness enter his eyes and then it was gone, leaving his careful expression of detachment. He looked back at his supplies.

  “How many do you need, Juliana?” he asked. His voice had suddenly lost its hostility.

  My voice did likewise. “About ten, Adam,” I replied. Adam carefully picked out ten good apples and put them in a sack. He leaned over the stand and handed it to me.

  “That would be a pound,” he said normally. I searched in my bag and came up with the desired amount of money. I handed it to him. Adam took it and smiled faintly. “I haven’t seen you around, Julia. What happened?” he asked, lowering his voice slightly.

  I gave him a helpless shrug. “Gregory has been keeping me under lock and key. He doesn’t even know I’m here,” I answered with a sigh. I hadn’t expected to see Adam and now I didn’t know what to say. Wait – I’m lying to myself. Of course I had been expecting to see him. That was my real reason for going in the first place. Unfortunately, the realization didn’t help me find the right words to say.

  Adam looked at me and suddenly his face lightened. His lips curled into a delighted smile and he laughed. Some of the repressed anger and bitterness left his eyes. “Now that’s the Julia Kendrick I remember. Always off doing her own thing – no matter what anyone else told her.”

  I smiled in response. “Oh, I try,” I replied. “And its Smith now,” I c
ontinued, trying to make a joke.

  Adam’s eyes darkened. “I know,” he said bitterly. “I do not need you to remind me, Juliana.” He turned away from me. “I’ve got to get back to work. I still have seven younger brothers and sisters to care for,” he said coldly.

  Pain crossed my face. His words hurt me but I suppose I deserved that one. “Adam, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. What happened to your father?”

  Adam glanced back at me but continued to walk away. “He died last month, Juliana. Mother’s sick now. It’s just me and I have to make sure I have enough money to feed us and pay for Mother’s medicine. Unlike you, we don’t have everything handed to us on a silver platter,” he snapped angrily.

  My cheeks colored in anger. “In case you’ve forgotten, Adam, I didn’t choose this life. I do not like it either.”

  Adam laughed sarcastically. “Why not? You don’t have to work for anything. You get everything handed to you, including husbands.”

  “Damn it, Adam!” I yelled angrily. Some passerby glanced at us and continued on their way. I lowered my voice coldly until it was almost a whisper. “You know very well that I didn’t want to marry Gregory Smith. You also know who I wanted to marry,” I growled, close to tears. “Unfortunately, my wonderful father didn’t give me a choice,” I finished, spinning around. “I’ve got to get home.”

  “Go,” Adam said wearily, from behind me. I turned and pushed through the crowds. I couldn’t see at first because I was blinded by tears. I hadn’t wanted to fight with Adam. My vision cleared and I became angry again.

  “Silver platters. Damn it, I don’t think so,” I said under my breath. I walked back to my mansion. By the time I got there I was no longer angry. I understood Adam’s feelings and wished I could have said things differently. I thought Adam probably wished the same thing.

  I hurried up the stairs and entered the house. I slowly slipped off my cloak as Gregory walked into the hall. “Where have you been, Julia?” he asked harshly.

  I turned to look at him, cloak in hand. I was surprised that he was home already. I hadn’t planned on Gregory coming back so soon. “I went out to the market. I got some apples for us,” I answered softly.

  Gregory’s face twisted into something like a snarl. “I told you not to go out!” he growled.

  I looked at him in newfound fear and confusion. “I’m not a child anymore, Gregory.” I stammered. I wished that my voice had been steady but I was so confused my voice shook with emotion. “I don’t have to stay in the house,” I continued, gaining confidence again.

  Gregory tried to soften his tone. “I know that, Juliana. You’re a beautiful young woman. I just don’t want you to be hurt. There are so many dishonest men who would take advantage of you.”

  I dropped the cloak to the floor. “I can take care of myself, Gregory.” I glared at him angrily. “You’re just afraid that I’ll talk to Adam,” I spat out furiously. I wanted to hurt him suddenly. He had taken me for his own, from my happy life; the least he could do was give me some freedom! I wanted to prove that I could be trusted; I wanted to try and make this marriage work! I wanted an equal relationship! I was tired of being left here in the house or on the grounds like one of the pieces of furniture!

  Unfortunately, I realized too late that wasn’t the right thing to say. Gregory’s face reddened and he balled his fists. As soon as he thought I was finished speaking, he hit me.

  My face exploded in pain and I staggered back against the wall. I screamed in fear and pain as my head began to spin from the force of the blow. My vision darkened and I collapsed to the floor.

  Later, I opened my eyes to find myself half against the wall. Gregory was sitting next to me holding a cool cloth to my face. “I am sorry, Juliana. I’m so sorry. I did not mean to hurt you. Are you all right?” he asked anxiously.

  My eyes focused on him and fear coursed through me. “Don’t touch me,” I gasped softly. My jaw didn’t want to work right. I lifted my hand up to touch the area and instantly pulled it away. The pain had been sharp and immediate. I closed my eyes as Gregory put the cool cloth over that side of my face again. It felt good. “Why did you hit me?” I asked, my voice quavering.

  “Julia, please don’t. Do not talk about it or that peasant boy. Let’s forget this ever happened and start over. All right?” he pleaded softly.

  I didn’t want to but figured I bought this down on myself. I shouldn’t have said Adam’s name in front of my husband. I would have been angry if he had mentioned any of his past lovers. “I do not care. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. Please. Just take me to bed. I don’t feel well.”

  “All right, Juliana.” Gregory said softly lifting me into his arms. “Is there anyone I could call to stay with you? I must go back out.”

  I felt dizzy and kept my eyes closed. “My sister. Bring my sister over.” I murmured before darkness swept over me again.

  Hours later I heard someone calling my name. “Juliana. Come on Julia, talk to me,” a woman’s voice cried. I pulled myself up towards the voice. “That’s right, Julia. Wake up.” Crystal coaxed softly.

  “Crystal?” I muttered, cracking my eyes open. There was a cool wet cloth on my forehead. My sister’s face came into focus.

  “Aye. It’s me. Are you all right? You have been asleep for hours. What happened?” she asked worriedly.

  I stared at her and rubbed my eyes tiredly. “Gregory hit me.” I mumbled in response.

  “He what?” Crystal hissed in horror. “Why?”

  “I made him angry. I went out then I mentioned Adam’s name and he started yelling... I asked for the punishment.” I answered.

  “Julia, do not talk like that. You don’t deserve that. You and Adam live in the same town. Gregory is going to hear his name mentioned throughout the next few years.” Crystal scolded softly. “He has no reason to hit you.”

  I slowly sat up and looked at her. My head still throbbed but the pain was tolerable now. “It doesn’t matter. I wouldn’t have liked it if he had mentioned any of his previous lovers.” I replied quietly.

  Crystal shook her head. “It’s not right. You should not be slapped just because you said his name.”

  I winced and nodded. “I know.” I admitted softly. “He said he wouldn’t do it again. He was just angry because I did mention Adam.”

  Crystal frowned and looked at me worriedly. “I hope you’re right, Julia. Anyway, if you’re well enough I’ll leave. Gregory’s downstairs in the parlor. I wouldn’t let him up here to see you. Can you stand?” she asked in concern.

  “I shall try,” I said and swung my legs over the side. I slowly rose to my feet and felt a steady throb of pain on the right side of my face. However, I could stand and that was good. I moved slowly past my sister to the desk across the room. I grabbed a blot of ink and a pen. I took a small piece of paper and began to write. “I did see Adam today,” I told her softly. “I went down to the market and he was selling some fruit.” I paused unhappily.

  “What happened?” Crystal asked moving to my side. She put a hand on my shoulder.

  I shrugged slightly. “It wasn’t exactly a happy meeting. We got into an argument. He said I should be happy with my life because I have everything handed to me when he has to work to feed his family,” I said lightly. I didn’t want Crystal to know how much the argument had hurt me.

  Crystal shook her head. “He doesn’t mean it, Juliana. He is just upset over what happened.”

  “He is not the only one who does not mean what they said. I said some pretty awful things to him too. I don’t know if he’ll be willing to talk but give this to him,” I said handing her the note. Crystal nodded and unfolded it. It read simply:

  Adam, I’m sorry. If you want we can meet soon and talk. Just give me a place and time. Julia.

  Crystal looked up and smiled. “I’ll find him tonight and stop by tomorrow, hopefully with a message.”

  I nodded, smiling. “Thank you. Please don’t tell him about Gregory hitting me.
Please?” I pleaded softly. My eyes had widened in sudden fear. I didn’t want him to know.

  Crystal looked at me strangely for a minute. “All right, Julia,” she reluctantly agreed.

  “Thank you,” I said in utter relief as Crystal left the room. Gregory came in a minute or two later. He looked at me in concern.

  “Julia, are you all right?” he asked.

  I didn’t even turn to look at him. “I am feeling a little better, not that it is any thanks to you, my husband.” I retorted angrily.

  “Juliana,” he whispered softly. “If you behave, it won’t happen again.” He touched my shoulder gently.

  I moved away pointedly and turned for the stairs. I had slept away all of the afternoon. It was evening now and I wanted some food. “Aye dear, whatever you say. I want some food.” I answered and slowly proceeded down the stairs. Gregory followed me.

  “Of course. Natalie, bring some food for Juliana,” he called down to our cook. I ignored everyone and slowly sat down at the table. Natalie bought a plate filled with food into the dining room. I began to eat the food eagerly.

  After a while I slowed down my pace and looked up at my husband. “Well. Are you going to let me go out when I want to?” I asked conversationally.

  Gregory sighed. “Aye. You may but only under certain conditions, my wife. You must go with an escort and may not go every day.”

  I nodded and shoved some more food down my throat. “No problem.” I answered quietly after a minute.

  Gregory smiled. “Good,” he said watching me eat.

  About an hour later we retired to bed. Gregory fell asleep quickly but I laid awake long after. I tried sleeping but the day’s events disturbed me too much. I remembered the pain and shock I felt when Gregory hit me. I also remembered parts of Adam and my argument. I had no idea how he was going to react to my note but I had to do something to try and resolve our differences. I just hoped he was willing to talk to me. I also prayed to God that my sister kept her word and said nothing to him about what happened between Gregory and me. I didn’t want him to know we were already having problems. And I certainly didn’t want his pity. My eyes closed again and I eventually went to sleep.