Lost Soul

by Theresa Van Spankeren

  Samuel looked away. Adam came up behind him and put his hand on his shoulder. “It’s not your fault Samuel. You did the best you could.”

  I continued, “You did not know they were in trouble, and even if you did, you could not be two different places at the same time. Either way someone would have lost out.”

  After a second Samuel looked back at us. “True,” he admitted reluctantly.

  “So why are you being so hard on yourself?”

  Samuel stared at me for a second. “One day, Julia, you will understand,” he answered, but there was no anger in his voice. Samuel paused. “Maybe you already do,” he said in an afterthought. He glanced at Adam and a faint hint of respect entered his eyes.

  I was momentarily confused by his words but then I realized I did understand why he felt the way he did. He was our leader and felt responsible for us and guilty when he couldn’t protect us – the way I had felt towards my daughter.

  “Aye … I do understand,” I said after a second.

  Samuel nodded. “Come on, I guess we better go back inside.”

  “All right,” I said, turning. I began to walk back to the house. Adam walked beside me and held my hand. Samuel followed us in.

  Jeffrey looked at us as we walked in. He was the only one left in the room. “Sharon just went to bed,” he said to Samuel.

  Samuel nodded. “That means everyone else is in the ladies’ bedroom?”

  Jeffrey nodded. “Aye. Sharon sleeping of course; the others at Christy’s side.”

  We nodded. Samuel turned towards us. “Do you want to see her before sunrise?”

  I nodded and the three of us walked to the bedroom. Samuel walked ahead of us. He knocked on the door lightly and then opened it. Damien was leaning against the dresser, Robert was sitting on Mary Anne’s bed; Mary Anne herself, and Matthew were sitting on the floor on either side of Christy.

  Mary Anne looked up and worry was clearly etched across her face. “Julia, how fare thee?”

  “I feel better,” I answered quietly. Samuel stepped in and Adam and I followed. I shut the door behind us, then looked towards the bed.

  Christy lay limp on the bed, covered with one of the blankets. Her right arm was swathed with bandages and so was her head. Her eyes were closed and she looked incredibly pale.

  Mary Anne looked down at her and then up at me. “That’s good to hear, Julia. I was worried about both of you.”

  I smiled. “Thanks for being concerned, Mary Anne.”

  Matthew was holding Christy’s hand. He looked up at us. “She’s barely healing, Samuel. Even with Damien’s help.”

  Damien frowned. “I could –”

  “No, you’re not. No more blood giving tonight, Damien,” Samuel said sharply. “You’ve done enough for us already.”

  I walked over and knelt beside her at Christy’s side. Adam moved to stand beside Matthew, and Samuel stood on my other side. “Christy?”

  Samuel reached out and touched her face. After a second, he looked up. “I think you all better get to bed, especially you Julia, and Damien.”

  I looked up at him, a protest dying on my lips. “All right,” I agreed. “Come on Adam. We’ll be back in tomorrow.”

  The others nodded. We turned and went back into my room. Soon after entering, weariness hit me like a carriage.

  “Are you all right?” Adam asked.

  I turned back the covers and took off my shoes. “Aye. I just realized the others were right. I am tired. I think I’m going to sleep like a baby.”

  Adam also took off his shoes. “I guess I’ll go to sleep as well.”

  “Adam, you do not have to. There’s at least one whole hour before sunrise. You can read or play a game,” I protested quietly.

  “Nay, I don’t want to wake you later.”

  “How sweet,” I said dryly and climbed into my warm bed. I laid back and then sat up as Adam sat beside me. I was suddenly hit with the realization that we were going to share this bedroom together. Did I really want to give up the freedom of having a room to myself? Did I really want to share my room with a man? Even Adam?

  “Are you going to sleep in this bed too? Oh never mind. Silly question,” I said, seeing his perplexed look. “Don’t mind me Adam – I make no sense when I’m this tired.”

  He nodded but continued to stare at me thoughtfully. “You have been acting odd since you appeared at my house. Are you sure you’re all right? You seem so different – evasive.”

  I rolled over and pulled up the covers. For a split second I was tempted to tell him everything that happened during my marriage, the truth about what happened – not the lies I had told him, but then my courage failed. I didn’t want him to know I once had a child, and certainly didn’t want him to know the true reason why I had always been so bruised.

  “It’s just your overactive imagination. Now go to sleep Adam. Some of us are tired,” I said with a weak laugh.

  Adam also slid under the covers. “Good night, Julia,” he said, his voice curt.

  “Good morning Adam,” I replied and snickered at my joke. I turned my head away and concentrated on sleep. Having him here with me was distracting in more ways than one. I wanted to touch him, to recapture that feeling I had last night, but I was afraid. Afraid that I was going to be hurt. Tonight the fear won.

  ***

  Adam and I awoke at about the same time the next night. I stared at my wall for a second and then rolled over towards him when I heard him stir. “Adam, are you awake?” I asked sleepily.

  “Aye Julia,” he replied. He rolled over and pressed his lips gently against mine. He drew back and smiled mischievously. “How was that?”

  A smile began to creep up on my face. “Good,” I murmured. Adam reached for me again and our lips met. Passion flared in me for the first time in years. I returned his kiss feverently.

  Adam put his arm across my stomach as he deepened the kiss, parting my lips slightly. I gasped slightly. I was amazed by the sensations running through me, but was alarmed as well. I never felt anything like this before. This was too fast, I needed to slow down.

  “Adam, have I ever told you how much I missed you these past few years?” I asked, breaking the kiss. I rested my right hand on his shoulder, my finger making little circles.

  “Nay, I don’t think you did.” He sat up and pushed away my hair. He kissed me again then reached up open handed towards my face. His sudden movement, as harmless and gentle as it seemed, triggered a memory. The movement had always been regarded by me as a threat in the past. I jumped away and fell off the bed; the flashback overwhelming my senses.

  “Julia! What is going on?!”

  On the floor, I closed my eyes and steepled my fingers until the pain bought me back to reality. I knew I had to tell him something – he thought I was crazy!

  “It’s – it’s memories,” I managed to say.

  Adam slowly got up and sat beside me on the floor. “Memories of what, Juliana?” he asked tenderly.

  I thought quickly and remembered one of the lies I had told him years ago. “Memories of the time I was attacked ….” I mumbled, my voice trailing off in both sadness and guilt. Adam immediately softened in concern and seeming understanding. He lightly rested his hands on his thighs.

  “I’m sorry, Julia. I had no idea anything from the past still bothered you this much. You seemed so well adjusted to being a vampire already. I never guessed any of it still troubled you. I’m sorry if I caused distress.”

  “This has not bothered me for a while. I guess being attacked yesterday bought it back ... I’m sorry,” I said wiping my eyes. “I did not mean to scare you.”

  “It’s all right. I was just worried about you, Julia. Speaking of last night . . .where did you learn to fight so well? You did well– much better than I thought you would. I wouldn’t have thought you would know at all actually.”

  Adam hesitantly reached for my hand. After a moment, I took it. He gave my hand a reassuring squeeze, then let go.

/>   “They taught me. Samuel and the others. Thank you for the compliment,” I said with a faint smile. “I thought you would be surprised.” I slowly got to my feet. “I need to talk to Samuel for a few minutes.”

  Adam looked up at me. “Do you want me to go with you?”

  I shook my head firmly. “Nay. Why don’t you see if one of the other men has some clothes you can borrow? We’ll have to have Mary Anne make you some clothes soon.”

  “All right,” he replied quietly. I smiled and turned for the door.

  “Thank you,” I called and hurried out of the room. The second I got into the hall the silence of the house crashed over me. I silently tip-toed to Samuel’s part of the main room. Damien was asleep on the bed but Samuel was nowhere in sight.

  I sighed and then walked towards Christy’s and the other ladies’ room. My composure was shattered by the time I got there. I gently eased the door open and peered in. “Sam– Samuel?” I stammered.

  Mary Anne and Sharon were asleep. Samuel was sitting beside Christy’s bed. There was only one candle lit, all the way across the room. Where Samuel was sitting was still almost entirely in darkness. I could barely see him, even with my new eyesight.

  He slowly raised his head to look at me. “Julia hello ...What’s the matter?!” he asked seeing my face. “Come in, do not stand there peering in.”

  I slowly opened the door more and slipped inside, closing the door with trembling hands. I turned towards him, my arms pulled tightly across my chest. I shook with emotion. “Samuel – I – something –” I stuttered.

  Samuel slowly rose to his feet and walked to me. Concern flooded his face. “Julia, you are shaking like a leaf. Did something happen?”

  “Aye ... just a few minutes ago,” I mumbled, hesitating. “I do not want to bother ….”

  “You’re not bothering me, Julia. Tell me what happened, please. Let me help you,” he pleaded.

  I hugged myself and looked away. “Samuel, I thought I had gotten over everything!” I cried out in frustration. I slowly looked back at him.

  Understanding crossed his face. “Were you triggered by something Julia? A dream perhaps?”

  My gaze wandered, finally focusing on the wall. “It wasn’t a dream but it was a total accident.”

  “I believe you Julia. What happened?”

  In a rush, I told him what had happened. He was silent until I had finished and was shaking uncontrollably in front of him.

  “I– I just thought I didn’t have to deal with it anymore.”

  “Julia,” Samuel murmured, gently touching my shoulder. “I told you would not be able to forget. But you do not always have to be reminded.”

  “What makes you say that? He lifts a hand towards me the wrong way and I become scared of him!” I shouted back.

  What was wrong with me? I loved Adam but it seemed as if every movement he made set me off. I trust him, but I am terrified of him at the same time. My feelings just made me feel even angrier.

  “Julia, keep your voice down. Why don’t you tell him? Maybe if he knows –”

  “I don’t want to! I don’t want him to know... he would probably be disgusted by it. He would hate me so much ....”

  “He wouldn’t hate you. It’ll just help him understand you better.”

  I shook my head. “Nay, he’ll think I am weak. A woman, incapable of defending herself. A victim.”

  I nearly gagged on the term, but that was how I now saw it. I looked up at him with pleading eyes. “Samuel, I want him to see me the way I was before – before any of it happened. Before I was forced to marry. I don’t want him to see me as a victim. Besides, he’ll be angry that I lied to him.”

  “I do not see you as a victim. You’re a survivor Julia.”

  I shook my head and looked away. “Only because of you, Samuel,” I mumbled. “If you hadn’t rescued me then, Gregory would have killed me.”

  “Bloody hell, Julia! You survived three years with that brute! You lived through it all by yourself ... I was not there, I did not even know you existed until over more than two years into your marriage. The term is survivor Julia, not victim,” Samuel said, his voice suddenly harsh.

  I stared at him bewildered. “Samuel –” I started again uncertainly.

  “Being a survivor is in your blood, Julia. Even after I bought you here – if any of us made a move that you thought was threatening you would have fled, would you not?”

  “I would have tried to,” I muttered. “Not that I had the strength to.”

  “That’s not the point Julia. You would have tried, that is the point.” As I stared in dumbfounded silence, Samuel took my hand. “Let’s take a walk Julia.”

  “What about Christy? Shouldn’t you stay with her?” Samuel shook his head. “She’s doing better and the others will be waking up soon. Come on, we’ll have more privacy to speak about this outside.”

  His voice sounded tired. I wondered why. Surely, he hadn’t stayed up all day with Christy, right? He told me before that the sun didn’t kill us. Only sapped our strength. Of course he didn’t stay up. I was probably the one making him tired.

  “All right.”

  Samuel gently guided me out of the house. We walked a little ways and then he turned to face me again. Now that we were outside where there was starlight, I noticed how drawn his features looked. “Samuel? Are you all right?” I asked in concern.

  “Aye. I just did not get any sleep,” he answered. “Anyway ... back to your problem, Julia.” He abruptly changed the subject back to me. He gave me a hard look. “If you don’t want to tell him that’s all right,” he allowed grudgedly. “It’s your decision, Sunshine, and I know how you feel. I even understand why you do not want to.”

  I narrowed my eyes. “Of course you do,” I muttered sarcastically.

  Samuel continued, not seeming to hear me. “You have to stop thinking like this Julia.” He made a faint gesture at our surroundings. “Your two feet are firmly on this planet. You’re surrounded by beautiful nights,” he continued as the moon began to rise. “You have friends here that care about you, your sister and brother–in–law are alive and well, and you are finally reunited with the man you love. If you hadn’t been a survivor, you wouldn’t have this today. You would either be six feet under the ground or trapped in bed,” Samuel said bluntly. He turned to look directly into my eyes.

  The comments were harsh for me, but also well needed. A protest was on the tip of my tongue but I stopped. He was right, I admitted. If I hadn’t done what I had done when I had, I probably would have been dead.

  I also realized I had a lot now. Things I hadn’t had while human; people who loved and cared about me, and not once was I criticized or jeered at for speaking my mind since joining the vampires. I was allowed to make my own choices as long as those choices didn’t intentionally put me or others in danger. I now had the freedom to be myself ... if only I remembered how I was like.

  “You already know.”

  “Don’t do that,” I scolded. “I hate it when you read my mind.”

  “You’re doing a lot better, Julia. So much better than when I first met you. I’m proud of you.”

  I looked at him in sudden disbelief. “You’re serious?”

  “You are better.”

  I shook my head. I thought for a moment, struggling to put into words how I feel.

  “I do not even know who I am. I changed after marrying Gregory – my own sister told me that. But I cannot seem to remember how I was like before that … do you understand?”

  “Aye. You adopted certain behaviors to stay alive and it seemed normal to act that way. But now they are starting to feel strange. Julia, I will not lie to you. It will take time to recover your spirit and you’ll never be the same person you once were. However, you’ll find something you’re comfortable with. Just do not let guilt drag you down. You’ve done all you could – it is time to move on.”

  I leaned against a tree and stared down the street. “I could have done mor
e,” I whispered. I expected Samuel to get angry but instead he just looked curious.

  “Oh really? Do tell,” he urged in a wry voice. He leaned against another tree and stared at me. “I’m very interested. What could you have done, Juliana?”

  “Where do you want me to start?”

  “At the beginning. At the first thing you think you could have done differently.”

  “Well, first of all, I wouldn’t have married him at all!” I snapped. “I should have eloped with Adam. I should have realized how Gregory was like.”

  Samuel nodded for me to keep going. He didn’t speak.

  After a second, I did. I wasn’t even thinking about what I was saying; the words just seemed to burst out, as if they had a mind of their own. “Then, even if I had married him, as I had, I should have left when Crystal warned me to. Instead of stubbornly refusing to because it would disgrace the family. And if I had let it get as far as having a child, if he had treated them the way he did Marie ... I should have given my child to my sister – or someone. I should have done more to protect my child. I had several chances but I did not take them. There was so much I could have done, Samuel! But I was too foolish to.”

  I expected him to jump right in and agree but he didn’t. Instead he asked what I first thought was a strange question. “How old were you when you were married? About fifteen?”

  I nodded. “What are you trying to say, Samuel?”

  “You are still young, Julia. You were forced to grow up.”

  I didn’t protest his statement. I knew I had matured very fast in an incredibly short amount of time. I nodded for him to keep going.

  “That’s just it, Julia. You were a child. You were young, confused, and scared. You were taught to obey your parents’ wishes without question. As all children are. Even after you found out how your husband was like you still did not want to disobey your parents ... partly because you were still so young that pleasing your parents meant everything, and because being married was all you were raised to do.”

  “Crystal is younger than me and she was the one urging me to get out.” I countered.

  “She also wasn’t the one being ‘mistreated.’ It’s easy for people to say that when they are not being threatened or hit. It’s a lot harder if you are afraid of being tracked down and hurt worse, is it not?”