Lost Soul

by Theresa Van Spankeren

  “Understandable. You are not going to turn into Gregory. Don’t even think about it. Did you feed last night?’

  I shook my head. “Nay. I know I was supposed to. Sorry.”

  Samuel waved it off dismissively. “Not a big deal. We won’t worry about it tonight. You’re shaken and tired; you’re in no condition to go out,” he answered lightly. “Why don’t you go to bed? You need your rest.”

  Slowly, I shook my head. I hadn’t felt this vulnerable in months. “No, actually I don’t feel strong enough to see Adam tonight.”

  Samuel and Mary Anne both looked at me in concern. “Julia?” Samuel questioned worriedly.

  “We have an extra person here now, honey. I guess we’ll have to rearrange sleeping quarters or something.” Mary Anne murmured.

  Samuel shook his head. “Not necessary, Mary Anne. I was planning on having Richard bunk with me. That way, no one else is disturbed.”

  “Actually, I was wondering . . . can I bunk with you instead?” I asked in a small voice.

  Samuel looked so shocked, it was a moment before he answered. “Julia?” he said. It had been months since I had moved into my own room.

  “Aye, Samuel. I mean it,” I said softly, as color rose to my face. I was frightened, insecure, and Samuel had always seemed like a “security blanket” to me. When we had shared his room I had always felt comforted and safe. At times that had meant more to me than having a lover. Yes, I know my emotions are messed up. I’m a messed up person. I’ve been that way for almost four years now. Sometimes, I just wonder if I’m a hopeless cause.

  Mary Anne and Samuel looked at each other and then he looked back at me. “You’re not a hopeless cause,” Samuel reassured me gently and drew me to him.

  I hesitantly laid my head on his shoulder. Not even bothering to scold him for reading my mind I said, “Aye, I am. I was doing so well … and now look at me. I’m back where I started.”

  “Not where you started. It’s just a small setback. You’ve been under a lot of stress. For goodness sakes, you were just attacked for the first time since becoming a vampire. That has to have triggered a lot of emotion and old memories. You’ll feel better after some good sleep, not a drunken stupor,” he said mildly. “Can’t do good all the time. If you were, I would be worried because it would mean you were not really recovering, it just meant you were holding everything in.”

  “Is that really so bad?” I asked. “I would be able to act normal.”

  “Aye, it is. You would be able to act “normal” for a while but then it’ll start coming back at unexpected and unwanted times,” he answered.

  “Recovery is often a lifelong process,” Mary Anne said quietly.

  “Unfortunately,” Samuel muttered with a sigh. A trace of bitter sadness was in his voice. It made me realize I knew almost nothing about him or his life.

  “Samuel, tell me about yourself,” I urged softly.

  “Not now,” he said, retreating from my question. “Maybe later, Julia.”

  I was going to press it but the way his body stiffened at my question made me decide to drop it for the time being.

  “All right.”

  Samuel smiled gratefully and relaxed again. “Tell Richard and Adam how we’re conducting sleeping arrangements tonight, Mary Anne. And you all better get a good night’s sleep. We’ll retire early and start planning tomorrow. It’s been a long few days.”

  Mary Anne nodded, blew out two of the three candles that were burning, and left the room. I stepped away and looked into Samuel’s eyes. “Thank you.”

  “For what?” he asked, sounding confused.

  “For being so damned forgiving. I know I wouldn’t have been.”

  Samuel smiled. “I’ve dealt with young vampires before. I made them and put up with their whining and mood changes. Though I never met or created one that was as unique as you are.”

  “That good or bad?”

  “Good.”

  I shook my head. A faint smile touched my lips. “I am glad to hear it.”

  Samuel nodded and turned around. He gently guided me to the bed. I sat down and wrapped my arms around my trembling body. He looked at me for a second and then grabbed a small quilt from the back of one of the chairs. He walked to me and draped it over my shoulders. He then sat beside me. “Julia, are you all right?” he asked in concern.

  I shrugged. “I really do not know. I’m just really nervous tonight.”

  Samuel laughed softly. “I couldn’t tell Julia,” he teased gently and put his arm around me. The gesture comforted me. “Do you think you’ll be able to sleep yet? I know it’s early.”

  I shook my head. “I know you told everyone to go to sleep early, but I cannot sleep yet.”

  “It’s all right. I’m sure at least a couple of the others are still awake. They’re just staying in their rooms and that is fine. Do you want to stay up and talk?”

  I nodded and tried once more to steer the conversation to him. “Samuel, you practically know my horrid life story inside out. You rescued me from a living hell … yet I know almost nothing about you. There is nothing new in my life to talk about – so tell me something about you.”

  Samuel laughed shortly. “You do not give up, do you? I cannot tell you my entire life’s story – it would take too long, Julia.”

  “I’m not asking for it all. Just some answers to some basic questions: like where you come from; why were you made a vampire, how old were you when it happened, simple things,” I persisted. “Keep me entertained, I need something to focus on.”

  “So you want to hear all about me?” Samuel asked in disbelief.

  I shrugged and then nodded. “Well, yes. You have heard enough about me and my life to last you centuries. I’m a good listener. Besides, I would like to get to know you. I want to understand how you got to where you are now.”

  “All right, if you insist.” Samuel paused and looked away. The lone candle that was still lit cast dark shadows across him and the bed.

  “Samuel?” I prodded again. Samuel removed his arm from my shoulders and began to fiddle with the corner of the top blanket.

  Samuel glanced back at me and then spoke. “I was born and raised in Rome, the middle child of eleven surviving children.”

  I nodded silently for him to keep going.

  After a second he did. “Everything was fine until I was about twenty years old. The six older kids had married and moved out so I was the oldest child left in the house. Life seemed good.”

  “What happened?” I asked softly. “A vampire find you? Were they Resistance?”

  Samuel sighed heavily. “One night in May a group of about ten male vampires forced their way into the house. They killed everyone inside ….”

  “Except you,” I said.

  Samuel nodded and looked away. “Except me,” he echoed bitterly. “They beat me to the verge of death and then decided to make me a vampire. I awoke in my own home, covered in my own blood, and surrounded by the bodies of my parents and my younger siblings, including my baby sister. Wonderful start to eternal life indeed,” he muttered, mostly to himself.

  I stared at him in horror. “Samuel, I’m sorry. I never thought –” I stammered. “You do not have to continue if you do not want to.”

  He shook his head. “I started the story, Julia. I’ll finish it,” he said. “I just want you to realize that when I tell you I understand, I’m not mocking you.”

  I nodded but said, “I never thought you were mocking me.”

  “You didn’t believe me either. Anyway, shall I continue?”

  “Aye, please.” I couldn’t just hear half the story.

  After a second, Samuel resumed the story. “All of them were casually sitting around the sitting room just waiting. Valentino was one of the ones among them. He had only been a vampire for a month at most and he obviously enjoyed what they do.”

  “When they saw I was awake they smiled and dragged me to my feet. Unlike most vampires I did not immediately feel better
. I felt exhausted and in pain. I had barely made it across.” He shook his head and scowled. “I would have loved to have killed them all then, but I had no strength, and my body, not to mention my mind was still in shock. So I let them drag me to their hideout. I could barely walk.”

  Samuel stopped and looked at me. The candle on the table next to the bed flickered, casting his face further into shadow. The flame brightened once more, seemingly to illuminate the profound sadness on Samuel’s face. I glanced away, noting how different the room seemed with a lone candle lighting the room, filling it with soft light.

  “I can stop now … you do not need to hear this, Julia.” His voice was thick with suppressed emotion.

  “Nay, Samuel. I’m all right,” I assured him gently. “I asked you to tell me. I want you to tell me, I want to understand you ... the way you seem to understand me.”

  “Very well,” Samuel replied. “I was finally allowed to rest once we arrived. As I laid on a bed, they began to answer my unasked questions...”

  ‘We watched your family for weeks,’ one said. ‘It was all carefully planned. But the only reason we picked your family was because it was so large.’

  ‘We were going to kill everyone in the house but at the last second we thought of something else for you. It is amazing you survived the transformation. I thought I had done it too late,’ another said.

  “I asked them why they decided last minute to make me one of them. The one who made me curtly replied, ‘So you and this one here, Valentino, can rule together as brothers.’

  “Needless to say, I had no answer to that except for a string of profanity. After a while, they suggested I sleep ... which I did. I awoke the next night to find they all had left the house apparently out on a hunt.”

  Samuel looked up at me with pained eyes. “I didn’t stay around for them to get back, Juliana. I couldn’t. So with no training, no idea whatsoever on how to do anything, still in my bloodstained clothes even,” he laughed, “I took off. I was a little stronger than the night before and I vowed to get out of Rome as fast as I could.

  “I stowed away on a boat headed for France. Due to bad weather we landed two weeks later in Monaco, right on the French border. I snuck off and made my way to Marseilles, a seaport town in France. Once I arrived in the town, my hunger was overwhelming. I hadn’t fed on human blood since I had been changed – I was afraid to, knowing I had no idea how much I could take without killing someone. I wandered around for at least another week without feeding. But I needed blood so I started feeding off the first person I saw that night, a young woman.”

  Samuel smiled ruefully. “I was then knocked right off my victim. I whirled around expecting to see a human, even a specialized Hunter whom I had heard of as a human. I had not expected to see another vampire. She was the first female vampire I had seen and she was infuriated.”

  “What did she look like?” I asked hiding a smile.

  “She has long black hair and her eyes are a strange shade of blue–gray. And at that time she held a long wooden quarterstaff. This woman was also the first vampire I had met who had protected a human. In Latin I told her I really didn’t mean any harm. She answered, ‘ You’re an intruder in my territory and you were a second away from killing that girl.’ She paused a second then said, ‘I should kill you.’

  “Harsh words,” I muttered.

  “She is a survivor. I bitterly told her to go ahead and closed my eyes, waiting for the blow that never came. I reopened my eyes and saw her startled look. ‘You’re new, a fledgling. I should have realized it. Whose blood is dried all over your clothes? Who is your maker and where are they?’ she had asked, lowering the staff slightly.

  “The blood is mine,” I answered just as bitterly as before. ‘I was created by one of the anonymous monsters who killed almost my entire family ... and whom I hope is still in Rome. The night after I was made, a few weeks ago, I ran. This is the first time I have fed on human blood since I was changed,’ I said gesturing to the limp body of the girl beside us. The vampire before me looked stunned,” Samuel said and half smiled.

  I smiled. “Why? What did she say?” I asked.

  “She said, ‘You left without being taught a single thing?’ I told her they would have only taught me how to kill and I didn’t want to become my family’s murderers. For the first time she smiled. ‘Crazy. But impressive. I’m sorry for such a harsh greeting. I’m Valerie. Come on, let’s get you back to my place and into some decent clothes.’

  “Valerie took me in and treated me as her own. I cannot tell you how relieved I was when I finally fell asleep in a warm bed, thirst sated and clean. Her coven of seven vampires were all kind and understanding.”

  Samuel paused then said, “The Resistance, as an organized movement, did not exist then. There were some vampires, like Valerie, who had not followed the rules, and instead tried to co–exist with mortals without harming them, but they had been few and scattered throughout the world. I have always considered Valerie to be my teacher … and as my maker even though he was really a murdering fiend. Valerie is who helped make me who I am. Without her, I would either be dead, a loner, or at Valentino’s side. I might have become one of the Goddamned fiends,” he said with his head bowed.

  “She taught you well,” I said in a low voice.

  Samuel raised his head to look at me. A faint sad smile tugged at his lips. “I hope to do the same for you. Anyway, that’s the story. You wanted to know why I am the way I am; now you know Julia. There’s plenty more of course, but that is for other nights.”

  I nodded. Despite the horror of the story I actually felt more relaxed, less alone. “Must have been awful,” I muttered.

  Samuel once more put his arm around my shoulders. “You had it worse Julia,” he said seriously. “I only had a few months of Hell; you had suffered a living Hell for three years.”

  “But no more,” I whispered drowsily.

  “No more,” Samuel agreed. “I think it’s time to go to sleep Julia,” he said gently.

  “All right,” I agreed standing. I walked to the chair and put back the quilt. I walked back to the bed. Samuel pulled back the covers and got into bed.

  I also climbed into bed as Samuel blew out the candle that had dimly lit the room. “Cannot have the house catch fire,” he said mildly.

  I smiled. “Good night, Samuel.” I said pulling up the covers. I rolled over and snuggled close to him, comforted by his body heat.

  “I am glad you’re here, Julia.”

  “Glad I’m here too.”

  ***

  Chapter 12

  I heard a couple of voices through the fog of sleep. It sounded like Richard and Matthew.

  “Aw, don’t they look adorable together?” Matthew said sweetly. “Such sleepyheads. I wonder why.”

  “She and Samuel were up half the night, talking. After he told us to go to bed.” Richard replied in a teasing voice, although it was light.

  “As long as it was just talking,” Matthew replied sweetly. I was trying to ignore them, but this was one comment I couldn’t ignore. I stirred slightly, trying to muster up enough energy to actually wake up.

  Before I could, there was two dull thuds with matching cries of: “Ow!”

  “Good evening, boys,” Mary Anne said pleasantly. I felt her gaze on me and stirred again. “It’s all right, Julia. Sleep, I’ll keep these two children entertained.”

  “Um …all right Mary Anne,” I muttered sleepily and snuggled back under the covers. I rolled over and rested my head on Samuel’s shoulder. He obviously wasn’t ready to wake up either. Sleep overtook me again.

  Sometime later I felt Samuel stir. “Sunshine, we really should get up,” he mumbled.

  “Do not call me that,” I replied and lifted my head. Mary Anne, Matthew, Richard, and Adam were all sitting at the table. They glanced over at us. I rolled over and sat up.

  Adam looked at me neutrally. “Julia, why don’t we talk, while Samuel … plans for things?”


  I sighed and nodded. Samuel sat up and stared at the others. He smiled pleasantly. “Good evening all,” he said mildly.

  “Did you have a good night, Samuel?” Matthew asked in a mischievous voice.

  Adam glared at him. Mary Anne just smiled and kicked him in the knee. “Matthew, be quiet,” she said.

  I got up and smiled at Samuel. “Thank you for letting me stay in here,” I said gratefully, ignoring the others.

  Samuel looked back at me. “You’re welcome, Julia.”

  His hair was ruffled from sleep and it gave him an innocent boyish look. It seemed to contrast sharply from the story he told last night.

  I turned around and went into my own room. Adam followed me inside. As I began brushing my hair, I looked back at Adam. “You wanted to talk?”

  “What is going on between you and Samuel?” he asked.

  I paused to look at him, immediately on the defensive. “Nothing,” I said harshly. “Samuel made me. He saved me from a– a dangerous situation,” I stammered carefully. “I trust him.”

  “You don’t trust me?”

  I looked around the room nervously. I suddenly felt cornered. “I’ve gone through a lot, Adam. I have not seen you in years. Please be patient with me.” I paused, then said, “I wouldn’t have come back for you if I had a lover, Adam. I love you dearly. It’s just that I trust Samuel more about some things. I know this is difficult to understand and I’m sorry ... but I cannot say anymore.”

  Adam sighed and walked to me. He lifted my chin to stare into my eyes. “I wish I knew what it was that is bothering you, Julia. I’m worried about you.”

  I looked at him helplessly. “I’m sorry, Adam.” Tears welled up in my eyes at my own inability to tell him what had happened. He pulled me to him and hugged me.

  “All right,” Adam murmured. He hugged me tighter. “All right, Julia. I can tell this hurts you. I’ll drop it.” He paused then said, “Just tell me when you’re ready.”