Lost Soul

by Theresa Van Spankeren

  I was still as the sense of panic faded. His words amazed me. He had called me beautiful. He wasn’t angry at me. He had stopped when I told him to. I considered his suggestion for a second or so in silence. I had been so close to letting someone love me fully, and then I had become fearful. It was understandable but in some strange way I suddenly realized that if I took his suggestion now, I would never get over my fear – I would never let myself be this close again. And so I asked myself a very difficult question. Did I trust Samuel enough to teach me to love, to not be afraid? Before I had realized my answer consciously, I was reaching for him. “Samuel, wait. Don’t go. Please.”

  Samuel turned and gave me a long measuring look. “Julia, I should go. I have already scared you enough tonight.”

  I got to my knees. “I’ll try not to spook on you again, Samuel.” Leaning forward I kissed him lightly. “I think you can help me. You have already shown me I can feel something other than fear. You say we have an hour.”

  Samuel nodded. “Are you certain, Julia?”

  I nodded. “Aye. I need to know that there is something other than pain and fear. Something other than uncertainty as well. But not a word of this ever gets out of this room, Samuel,” I warned agitated. “No one can ever know…” I continued fiercely, wondering just what in the world I was thinking. I love Adam, but I don’t trust him enough to be intimate. I trust Samuel to be intimate, but I don’t love him. Bloody hell.

  Before I could finish my sentence Samuel leaned over and kissed me. The touch was extremely light. “I promise,” he said softly and lowered me back to the mattress. An hour later I drifted into sleep on a hundred wonderfully new sensations. I hadn’t known that I could feel like this, hadn’t known that trust and the act of love could go together. Now all I need to know is if love and the act of love can go together.

  Chapter 17

  Waking slowly, I noticed there was someone standing next to me. I thought it was Samuel and instantly accepted the liquid that suddenly touched my lips. I didn’t bother to wake up any further.

  I was surprised to realize that the liquid was not blood and the taste was unfamiliar. Alarmed, I stopped drinking and began to regain full awareness. As I tried to spit out what I still had yet to drink, the person brutally forced me to swallow the liquid and to drink some more. I tried then to move, to open my eyes even, but an unnatural tranquility had swept over my body. The person laughed, and I realized the voice was male and familiar but he wasn’t supposed to be here. The laugh was amused and cruel. Before I could think of the person’s name a fog of confusion swept over my mind.

  There was a sudden noise from the hall and then a muffled voice. Vaguely, I thought it sounded like Samuel but the voice was too far away for me to tell for sure. I tried to cry out, either out loud or telepathically but darkness claimed me again.

  ***

  I awoke slowly with the sense that something was not right. My eyelids seemed heavy and it was with great effort that I managed to open my eyes. It was fully dark. There was no candle lit, whatever light there was came from outside the room and my unnatural eyesight.

  Samuel was sitting beside me stroking my hair. When he saw my eyes were open, relief flooded his face. “Julia?! Are you all right? What the hell happened?! We have not been able to wake you in almost three days!”

  Staring at him in groggy confusion, I said, “Three days? That – that cannot be right.” I tried to sit up. I was reminded of the times I had lost days – even weeks of time after one of Gregory’s assaults. I touched my forehead, feeling lightheaded and weak.

  “That’s right. Three days,” Samuel confirmed. His hand steadied me. “The night after we came in here Mary Anne knocked on the door. She needed help with Valerie and I left the room for a while –”

  “Someone was in here,” I muttered, interrupting him. “I remember a voice ... vaguely....”

  Samuel looked at me in sudden alarm. “Do you know who? When I came back the door was open. I had sworn I shut it … but I thought maybe I forgotten.”

  “You probably did shut the door. I’m not sure who was in here. The voice was familiar but they forced me to drink something and everything became kind of hazy….” I mumbled sleepily. It was only now I realized I was fully dressed again.

  Samuel reached out and pulled the covers off me. “Someone must have drugged you. Come on, you need to feed and we need to get out of here.”

  I tried to get up on my own but fell instantly. I was so dizzy I couldn’t stand up straight. Samuel caught me and scooped me up into his arms. “Samuel, I’m confused –” I started bewildered.

  “You’re not the only one,” Samuel muttered, turning for the door. “When I came out of Valerie’s room I saw the door was open. At first I thought you had also gotten up but when I got closer I saw you were still in bed. I wondered then why the door was wide open – after all I had sworn I had shut it behind me. I tried to wake you then but I couldn’t.”

  I looked up at him. “Who dressed me?” I asked in panic and fear.

  “I did. When I could not wake you myself, I knew I needed someone else to try. I also know you didn’t want anyone else to know.”

  “I was drugged? Why?” I started as we entered the sitting room. “Who would –?”

  “It’s the only thing that explains your condition. Nothing else makes sense. You said you were forced to drink something while you were still mostly asleep and I don’t know of anything but drugs that could knock us senseless – besides alcohol as you so recently proven.” Samuel answered.

  Mary Anne looked up. “Julia, are you all right?” she asked worriedly.

  Jeffrey was carrying Valerie. “Who the hell did it?” he demanded at the same time Adam asked the question.

  “I do not know,” I whispered groggily. “I did not get my eyes open fast enough to see him.”

  “That’s all right, Julia,” Samuel said soothingly as he heard the note of hysteria in my voice. Adam walked over and put his hand on my shoulder.

  Christy and Matthew walked in and turned to Samuel. “Samuel, are you sure Valerie’s strong enough to travel?”

  “Whoever the boil–brained piglet is might try again. We have to leave now. Hopefully, she’s strong enough to make the trip,” Samuel answered sounding less than pleased.

  “Why would someone drug Julia and then just take off?” Robert asked. He cast a measuring look towards me and Samuel.

  I wasn’t sure what was going through his head, but there seemed to be an underlying tension between group members that wasn’t there a few days ago. It could have been my imagination but the ka-tet’s power did not seem normal either.

  Mary Anne gave him a withering look. “He wanted her unconscious. He probably wanted to take her with him but was interrupted by someone in the hall and was worried that they were coming back to the room. And whoever it was didn’t have a chance to try the past two nights because someone has always been with her.”

  “Can we go now?” Christy asked. Samuel nodded. “Are we all sitting in the carriage?” she continued looking from one person to another.

  Samuel shook his head. “I’ll walk alongside with Julia. As soon as we see someone we can stop. Both she and Valerie will need to feed.”

  Everyone walked outside. Jeffrey climbed in back and laid Valerie down. Everyone else but Matthew and Christy clambered into the back with them. Matthew and Christy climbed in front and Matthew took the reins. “Are you positive you want to walk, Samuel?” he asked looking down at us.

  “I’m sure. The carriage is crowded enough at the moment,” he answered cradling me against him a little tighter. He began walking. He glanced down at me. “Is this all right with you?” he asked as he walked alongside the carriage.

  Slowly I nodded and snuggled against him. I was still too disorientated and groggy to stay awake. The constant rhythm of his heartbeat was soothing and I drifted into a peaceful non–frightening sleep again.

  I was awakened by persistent gentle shaki
ng. “Wake up, Julia. Come on, Julia, don’t do this to me. You were out for three days already.”

  I stirred in the person’s arms and realized we had stopped moving. “Samuel?” I murmured sleepily. My eyes fluttered open.

  “It’s me, Julia.” Samuel said. My gaze centered on him in questioning concern. “It’s time to feed,” he explained and helped me sit up.

  I looked past him to see Mary Anne and Adam standing over two crumpled heaps that were probably highwaymen. Jeffrey climbed down and then lifted Valerie out. He smiled over at us. “Someone picked the wrong carriage to harass,” he said, confirming my suspicions.

  Samuel’s hands hovered at my waist. “Can you stand, Sunshine, or do I have to carry you over there?” he whispered in my ear.

  “Stop calling me Sunshine, Sammy.” I protested. “I can stand on my own.” I slowly got to my knees and then quickly stood. A wave of dizziness was my greeting. “Though I could use some help walking,” I quickly amended.

  Samuel stood and put his arm around my waist. “Do not call me that. Valerie can, you can’t,” he said quietly.

  Mary Anne and Adam looked at each other as I slowly sank to my knees beside one of the men. “Some of the drug is still in her system, isn’t it?” Mary Anne asked quietly.

  Samuel nodded. “Aye, but after she feeds she should be stronger.”

  I bit into the man’s neck and began to drink. A few moments later I looked up, power once more singing in my veins. The man I had drunk from was almost dead. I frowned, chiding myself silently.

  “Do not worry, Julia. He’s probably killed many an innocent during his robberies.” Adam said lazily, noticing my expression. I leaned back and he crouched beside me.

  Guilt twisted my gut as I stared up at Adam. I had just made love with Samuel and I hadn’t even been able to let Adam get close. Good Lord, lately, I just wonder what’s wrong with me. I sighed grimly. Samuel had sworn not to say a word about our night and I trusted him to keep good on that promise. Adam didn’t have to know – I think now that I knew lovemaking could be gentle, I will be all right now. That I’ll feel safe with Adam for now on. Neither he nor Samuel wants to hurt me.

  I looked around and saw Samuel leaning beside Jeffrey and Valerie. I stared at them for a moment and then realized he was feeding her with the other man. I noticed he looked like he was having problems feeding her. I slowly got to my feet. Adam also stood and put his arm around my waist. “Feeling better?”

  I nodded but my only concern now was for Valerie. I turned and walked towards the huddled group. I could see Samuel’s worried frown from a few feet away. Inwardly, I groaned.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked walking up behind him.

  “She has not woke since you last saw her, Julia. Her reflexes are much slower now than they were,” Samuel muttered in response. Robert climbed out of the carriage and scowled at us.

  “Maybe you should leave her behind, Samuel.”

  “He has a point, Samuel,” Adam added. “She gave a good fight,” he said gently.

  Samuel and I looked up in startled anger. Jeffrey was already frowning at them and Mary Anne was scowling.

  “Be quiet, Robert. Sharon didn’t even make it out. She was weak, and so are you,” Samuel answered. It was a barely veiled threat. He then glared at Adam. “Now be quiet before I tear you both up and feed you to her piece by piece.”

  I touched his shoulder gently. “Calm down, Samuel,” I said soothingly. I looked up. “When will you learn to keep your mouths shut?” I asked.

  “Just a suggestion,” Robert answered.

  “Just agreeing,” Adam said mildly. I shook my head and lowered my gaze just in time to see the first flicker of a response from Valerie.

  I smiled and then pondered over who had drugged me into senseless oblivion for three days. The only thing I clearly remembered was that it was a man’s voice and it had seemed vaguely familiar. “Gosh, I wish I had seen who it was!” I said in sudden exasperation.

  Jeffrey looked at me. “Still can’t think of a name, Julia?”

  I shook my head. “Nay, I just can’t place the voice. I know I should know it but –” I shrugged helplessly. “But I know if I hear that laugh again I’ll recognize it.”

  “Maybe Samuel did it, Julia,” Robert offered lazily. “Maybe he did it to feed you to his precious Valerie.”

  I had barely registered the insulting suggestion before I saw Samuel up and slamming Robert into a nearby tree. His voice was filled with harsh outrage. “How dare you say that?! You know I wouldn’t do anything to hurt Julia – or Valerie. Hush Robert. Either that or leave before I kill you.”

  I heard Robert laugh bitterly. I looked at Adam who just shook his head. He was wisely staying out of the brewing fight. “Samuel –” I started walking towards them.

  Robert’s voice dropped to a conspiratorial whisper. “Of course, Samuel, it would be much easier to kill her now – finish what the other imps started. It’ll be the kindest thing you could do for her. She probably wouldn’t even feel it.”

  I saw Samuel tense, every muscle tighten in what had to be barely controlled rage. “Robert don’t –” I started in warning when I saw he even had the nerve to hold out a perfectly shaped stake. “Push him.” I finished with a groan. Samuel went white with fury and punched him.

  “You flap mouthed halfwit!” he snarled and went for his throat.

  I looked towards Mary Anne, expecting her to be trying to break the fight up but she was only staring, her eyes narrowed in what was obviously anger. Before I could say anything she moved swiftly to Samuel’s side and began helping him. It was then I remembered Samuel saying that she and Matthew knew Valerie as well.

  “Damn,” I whispered. “Samuel, Mary Anne. Please do not kill him. It’s not worth it.”

  Mary Anne glanced up and snarled, “Stay out of this, Julia.” The fury in her voice was very uncharacteristic of her. She was usually the most even–tempered of all of us. Matthew jumped down as well after he handed Christy the reins.

  “I do not care if you’re bloody ka-tet. I’m going to kill you,” Samuel said as Matthew joined in the fight.

  “Julia?” Jeffrey asked softly. I turned towards him, startled. In the confusion I had forgotten he was there. I looked down and saw Valerie was now drinking hungrily from the other would–be robber. Her grip on him was suddenly exceedingly tight. Quickly, she drained him dry.

  I stepped towards them as she stirred. Succeeding in rousing herself from her coma–like condition, she opened her eyes and blinked several times. “Samuel!” I yelled harshly behind my shoulder. I knelt down beside them. Adam stood beside me, a hand on my shoulder. I heard a sickening crack from behind me and then silence. I shuddered slightly and Adam gently tightened his grip on my shoulder protectively. I waited a second and then timidly asked, “Samuel?”

  “What?” Samuel snarled and then caught himself. There was another thud. “What is it, Julia?” he asked, trying to soften his voice.

  “Come here,” I said in an equally soft voice. I smiled at Valerie who looked understandably confused. Samuel walked to us, wiping some blood from the corner of his mouth.

  “The bastard punched me,” he muttered and then shrugged. He glanced down at us and then took a second glance.

  “I don’t think he’s going to do it again,” Matthew said from a few feet away.

  “Nay.” Samuel agreed quietly, kneeling down beside me. He turned his attention to Valerie. “Val, How fare thee?” he asked in concern.

  Valerie immediately focused on him. I was no doctor but saw how alert she was – the most alert I’ve seen her since she had first woke after the fight. “Somewhat better, actually,” she answered in hoarse bewilderment. “Samuel – what’s going on?”

  “You have been unconscious for about the four past nights. We had to leave the place we were hiding out at – someone had tried to kidnap Julia,” he answered quietly. “We are going to find a safe place.”

  Samuel looked up a
t me and then shifted his gaze to Adam beside me. “Thank you,” he said simply. Adam nodded cordially in return. He then looked back at Valerie. “I don’t think it’s best to try walking or anything yet, Val. You’re still weak.”

  Valerie smiled faintly. “I couldn’t even if I wanted to, Samuel. I think we better go – before I burden you anymore.”

  Samuel gently picked her up as the rest of us stood. “You were not a burden,” I said quietly. I looked towards Robert’s body. It was mangled, the neck broken. Matthew stared at me silently, and then dumped it into the nearby trees.

  Valerie only looked at me. It made me wonder if she had heard some of what Robert said. I decided I didn’t want to know. She laid her head against Samuel’s shoulder. “I guess we all can sit in the carriage now,” Samuel said mildly. We all followed him over and then climbed aboard. It was kind of crowded but we all fit. Soon, we were on our way completely out of the London area.

  ***

  Epilogue

  I looked up when I saw the sky lightening. There is so much more to tell but for now this is enough. It is the foundation that’s made me who I am now. It is a good enough start for one night.

  I am thoroughly exhausted from remembering. Yet, even tired, I feel more at peace than I have in weeks. I know for sure that this day’s sleep will be restful for once and not filled with nightmares from the memories that I had allowed myself to remember tonight in the fullest detail I could.

  I hear the door slam downstairs and know that the others of my group has returned. The dawn is not far away. I know I must hide this book before any of them come up and wonder what it’s for. There’s still more to be told but it must wait. As soon as I have the privacy and time I will take this book out again and allow myself to remember more. Until then, this book will stay hidden away from prying eyes. Good morning. Or is that Good night?