‘Me and Lukey,’ I said proudly. ‘We’re jumping a bus to Melbourne.’
‘You and Lukey?’ Cash wrinkled his forehead. ‘Really?’
I stopped short, unsure of myself. ‘Yeah,’ I countered. ‘Why?’
‘Fucking hell. Stop it you two!’ Casey was back from the bathroom. ‘Stop all this flirting bullshit. We need to be partying right now.’
Casey grabbed a glass and sloshed some vodka and orange juice into it. ‘Cheers, cunts!’ She tipped her glass back. ‘Now. Party.’ Casey grabbed us both by the elbow and pushed us towards the back door.
‘Wait, Case!’ I waved Cash on ahead of us. ‘I just gotta talk to Casey for one more minute.’
‘What is it?’ Casey said, impatiently, tapping her toe. ‘C’mon, c’mon.’
‘I just wanted to ask you . . .’
‘Why is she here, anyway?’
‘Laura? She’s cool,’ I told her. ‘No point in fighting with her. I’m taking off tonight, anyway.’
Casey rolled her shoulders back. ‘Why the fuck would you do that?’ She narrowed her eyes.
‘To get out of here. Canberra’s the biggest hole, you know that. And we’re at the hairy-arse-end of the hole down here in Tuggeranong.’
Casey shrugged. ‘Is this ’cos of Laura? You’re gunna move to Melbourne and think you’re better than everyone else.’
‘What? No!’
‘So why? Are you, like, in love with Lukey?’
‘I don’t know.’ I swallowed. ‘Maybe. I mean we only just hooked up, but —’
Casey gave a short, humourless laugh. ‘Look, Jez. I’m the last person who would want to burst your little bubble. But you deserve to know the truth.’
‘Truth?’ I felt my mouth go dry. I swigged from my beer. ‘What truth?’
‘About Lukey,’ Casey ventured, tapping her acrylics against her glass. ‘Well, it’s not a huge surprise really, you know he’s always had a horn for me.’
‘What?’ I pressed her. I could hear the blood rushing to my head. It sounded like when you held a seashell up to your ear at the beach. ‘What happened?’
‘We hooked up.’ Casey shrugged like it was no big deal. ‘So you see, Jez, maybe you should think twice about going to Melbourne with him. It doesn’t seem like he’s all that into you. I mean, it’s not my fault entirely because he’d had a crush on me for YEARS and . . . what is that dress you’re wearing?’ Casey gave my dress the twice-over and wrinkled up her nose.
I ignored her comment about my dress. ‘When did this happen?’ My voice dropped to a whisper. I felt weak.
‘Only a couple of days ago. The same day I drove back from the coast. So you can’t blame me, huh? ’Cos I didn’t even know about you and him. Last time I checked you were with Cash. It’s hard to keep up with you these days.’
‘What is that supposed to mean?’
‘It’s like how you chased after Cash. Seriously. Did you actually think he was going to go out with you or what? You totally threw yourself at him. It was sort of desperate.’
‘Whaaaat? I didn’t. He was into me, too. It was both ways.’
‘Ha! Oh, honey.’ Casey patted me on the shoulder. ‘One second you’re a virgin and the next you’re throwing yourself at every guy in the neighbourhood. It’s a bit embarrassing.’
‘Where the fuck is this even coming from?’ I was turning red.
‘Martin told me you went round to his house and practically begged him for it.’
Now I was angry. ‘Martin is fucking lying, then.’
‘Is he?’ Casey said, all superior. ‘Look, it’s okay, Jez. Martin told me everything. I saw him over at Jim’s house, like, that night. Everyone thought you were frigid, so now you’re being all, like, slutty or whatever. So it’s no wonder, once Lukey found out . . .’
‘Found out what?!’
‘Once I told him how you’ve been putting it around. Well, he wasn’t heaps happy.’
‘Why the fuck would you tell him that?! You’re supposed to be my friend, Casey!’
‘Well, I’m Lukey’s friend, too. I thought he deserved to know. See the problem with you, Jez, is that ’cos you dress all emo or whatever, and ’cos you talk smart and hang out with the boys, you think you’re better than me. But the lesson I’ve taught you is that pretty girls will always win the guys. You should be thanking me.’
‘Thanking you?’ I managed to squeak.
‘And look who your new bestie is! Laura! Even after she did the dirty on you with Lukey! ’Cos she’s from Melbourne, she thinks she’s better than us! And after hanging out with her for a month you’re suddenly moving there?’ Casey folded her arms across her chest. ‘You’ve totally changed, Jez. I mean you always did try so hard, didn’t you? Do you think you’re a fucking rock star ’cos you dye your hair stupid colours and wear too much eyeliner? It’s a bit sad, really.’
‘You are such a bitch, Casey,’ I choked out, not able to hold back my tears. ‘I like Laura because she’s a nice person. Unlike you.’
‘Oh, my God! Are you, like, lesbians now or something?’
‘No!’
‘How come you’re hanging out with that lesbian, then?’
‘Laura’s not a lesbian! She had a boyfriend in Melbourne and everything. She even got knocked up by him.’ The words slipped out of my mouth before I could stop them.
‘FUCK OFF! Are you serious?!’ Casey’s whole face lit up. ‘What happened? Miscarriage? Abortion?’
‘Abortion,’ I hissed. ‘Can you talk any louder? Fuck. You can’t spread this.’
‘Okay, okay. Tell me what happened, though!’
‘I’m not telling you shit! Go fuck yourself!’
‘Oh, get over it, Jez.’ Casey sneered. ‘I can’t help it if I’m what guys want.’
Casey spun on her heel and went out to the party. I felt kind of dizzy, and gripped onto the kitchen bench for support, and then found a bar stool and fell onto it. I took a big long chug from my beer, and then I grabbed the bottle of vodka she’d left open on the bench and slopped some into a paper cup and chucked it straight down my throat. It brought more tears to my eyes. I felt pathetic. Standing in the Hollands’ kitchen in my grungey little dress, my hair teased several inches high, make-up painted on thick. In front of my mirror, getting dressed that afternoon, I had felt like a rock star. I’d put on the Misfits and smoked a joint and then several cigarettes out of my bedroom window and then when I was feeling really good and baked, I sat in front of my full-length mirror pouting at myself, admiring the way my lips shone with the glossy lipstick. Maybe Casey was right. Maybe I did think I was fucking awesome. But only sometimes. And only in little windows between hating my whole fucking life.
‘Hey.’ Laura squeezed through the sliding door. ‘You gunna come outside?’
I hung my head. ‘Yeah . . . in a sec,’ I said, all flat and sad-sack.
‘What’s wrong?’ Laura put her hand on my back. ‘I could see you talking to Casey. Is it because I’m here? Did she give you shit about that?’
‘Nah, it’s not you.’ I looked up at her. ‘She had a go at me.’
‘Aw, Jez.’ Laura squeezed my shoulders. ‘Whatever she said, don’t listen to her. She’s just such a bitch.’
‘She said I’m trying to be all slutty,’ I said. ‘Which is bullshit. And then she told me she hooked up with Lukey.’
‘Omigod!’ Laura’s eyes widened. ‘Like slept with, or just made out with?’
‘I dunno,’ I admitted. ‘She made it sound like slept with.’
‘He’s a guy,’ Laura said quietly. ‘A nice guy. But still a guy.’
‘That makes it okay?’ I spat. ‘I thought he liked me. Proper liked me.’
‘I thought he liked me, too.’
Laura and I looked back at each other.
‘Casey reckoned I was throwing myself at them. At Cash, and this other guy, Martin.’
‘You thought I was throwing myself at Lukey.’
‘Yeah, yeah,’ I huffed. ‘I get the poi
nt, Laura. I said I was sorry.’
‘I know. Look, Casey is jealous of you.’
I laughed, all bitter. ‘Yeah, right.’
‘She is,’ Laura insisted. ‘She knows Lukey would never go out with her. She’s been trying to get with him for ages now. He told me. Then I bumped into her at the Boxing Day sales and kind of let it slip that he’d hooked up with you. You should have seen the look on her face.’
‘She told me she didn’t know I was with him!’
‘She totally knew.’
‘What the fuck?’ I shook my head, trying to take in this information. ‘What the . . . That is so mental. Casey was never into Lukey. She always goes for big meaty footy player types.’
Laura shrugged. ‘Everyone’s fucking everyone around here, didn’t you know? You’ve got your head in the clouds, Jez. Lukey’s a nice guy, nerdish type. Like I told you, Casey was jealous. She was probably sick of the randoms and wanted a proper boyfriend.’
‘Why didn’t Lukey tell me this, though?’
Laura shrugged. ‘Doesn’t seem like you guys talk much about that sort of stuff.’
‘I gotta go talk to him.’ I polished off my beer and went to the fridge and stuck another couple in my handbag. ‘For the road,’ I explained to Laura.
‘Jez, don’t leave me here!’ Laura pleaded. ‘Talk to Lukey another time, when you’re not so angry!’
‘I’m not angry,’ I said truthfully. I was shocked. I still couldn’t believe Lukey would do that to me, hook up with Casey, of all people, behind my back. ‘And I gotta talk to him now. We’re supposed to be getting on a bus in a few hours.’
‘Okay.’ Laura looked glum. ‘But you’re coming back, right? I don’t want to be here alone.’
‘Half an hour, tops,’ I promised. ‘If I’m catching this bus I’ll have to come get my bag from my house, anyway.’
‘Can’t you just call him?’
‘No credit.’
‘Call him from my phone?’
Impulsively, I gave Laura a little hug. ‘I’ll be back soon,’ I said. ‘Promise.’
THIRTY-TWO
The sun was going down, the silhouettes of the Brindabellas slate-grey against the orange-tinged sky. I blinked back tears as I half jogged, then walked, then jogged again the two streets over to Lukey’s house. It was a path I’d trodden hundreds of times over the past five years. To the end of my street, turn left, across a small stretch of dry yellow grass near the bus stop and then up the hill on Sinclair. It was a five-minute walk. I made it to his front door in under two.
The door was open, the screen door closed. I banged my balled fist against the flyscreen frame, briefly enjoying the clanging noise as the metal reverberated.
‘Lukey!’ I screeched. ‘It’s Jez!’
‘Whatdafark?’ Mark stuck his head into the hallway from the lounge room. ‘Jus’ come in, stop farkin’ screaming ’n carryin’ on.’
‘Sorry,’ I said. ‘Lukey here?’
‘Lukey? Fuckin’ LUKEY.’ Mark pulled up his singlet to wipe the sweat from his face. ‘Faggot’s in his room.’
I went down the hall. Last door on the left. I didn’t bother knocking. Lukey was on his bed, cross-legged, shirtless, just wearing his tight stovepipe black jeans that he’d cut off just above the knee to make shorts. He was packing a bong, thumbing the mix right down into the cone piece. He looked up at me through his fringe and then lit the cone, eyes bulging as he struggled to hold the smoke in his lungs.
‘You ready to go?’ he managed as he exhaled.
I sat at the edge of the bed, breathing in the sweet smoke.
‘Shut the fuckin’ door!’ Lukey spluttered, eyes watering as he coughed up the last of his lungful of smoke.
‘Sorry!’ I snapped. ‘No, I’m not fuckin’ ready to go. Kinda wondering if I’m gunna even bother,’ I spoke quickly, not choosing my words, just letting the hurt and anger spill over my lips. ‘You fucked Casey?! I can’t fuckin’ believe it. I had to hear it from you. Is it true? Say something! Don’t just fuckin’ stare at me. SAY SOMETHING.’
Lukey blinked. ‘She tell you that?’ And then he reached for the bong and the mix bowl. I wanted to knock them right out of his stupid hands.
‘So it’s true?’ I managed, my throat tight.
He shrugged. ‘Sort of.’
‘What’s that mean? What’s “sort of”?’
‘You want details?’
‘Just tell me! Yes or no!’
‘Well . . . yes, then.’
‘After you and me?’
‘Fuck, Jez! What the fuck do you want me to say? I fucked up,’ he spat angrily. ‘Like what about you and Martin?’ He eyeballed my face through his fringe. ‘Ha! Yeah, you thought I didn’t know about that, huh? And Cash? So it’s alright for you, all the while you’re giving me shit about Laura and you were hooking up with all these dudes.’
‘That was before you and me,’ I choked. ‘That’s different.’
Lukey flicked his fringe out of his eyes. I could see his face. He wasn’t guilty, he wasn’t sad. He looked . . . absent. Stoned. And there was a puffy black ring around the edge of his right eye.
‘What happened?’ I asked, not sure whether I actually cared or not. ‘To your eye?’
‘Mark.’ Lukey shrugged. ‘We got in a fight over the remote.’
‘Over the remote?’
‘He was flicking channels. I was like, “Just choose a channel. One fucking channel.” So he punched me.’
‘Arsehole,’ I murmured.
‘Yeah,’ Lukey said.
‘I’m not going with you to Melbourne,’ I whispered. ‘Not now.’
‘I never thought you would, anyway.’
It sounded like a challenge. But I didn’t even have the heart to argue with him. Maybe he was right. I wasn’t ready. I’d bitched and moaned about my house, Kambah and the shit-hole that is Canberra for years now. But every time I thought about leaving home it was like a punch in the guts. I wanted to stay. I wanted another year of school and teachers and homework and normal teenager stuff. I wasn’t ready to grow up yet.
‘Why did you do it? Why Casey? You always said she was sluzza.’
‘She’s alright. Crazy girl.’
‘Was it worth it? Didn’t you think about me?’
‘I was maggot. She threw herself at me. I didn’t wanna hurt her feelings.’
‘What about my feelings?’
‘You’re not my girlfriend, Jez! We never even talked about that. Do you want to be my girlfriend? Is that it?’
‘Fuck, no!’ I choked. ‘Not now. I know I don’t mean shit to you.’
I did want to be his girlfriend. I wanted to scream it in his stupid, stoned face. YES, you stupid idiot! I want to be your girlfriend!
‘You do mean something, Jez.’
‘Oh yeah? Like what?’ I pressed. I wanted to hear that he loved me, that he couldn’t live without me.
‘You’re my best mate. I like you. Like like.’
‘And what about Casey? What’s she to you?’
‘Didn’t mean anything.’
‘If it didn’t mean anything then why do it?’ My throat hurt, and my eyes stung from the clouds of stale smoke in Lukey’s hot little bedroom. I suddenly realised it might be the last time I sat there, in that room, on Lukey’s double bed. I fingered his doona cover, dark and light blue checks, worn and balling. I thought about all the times I’d curled up next to him watching horror movies, and then fallen asleep to Rage video clips on his telly. I looked at his walls covered with posters of bands we didn’t even listen to anymore, and his small set of shelves that held keepsakes and trinkets, his stuffed gorilla wearing boxing gloves that he’d won at the Canberra Show years ago.
Aren’tcha gunna give it to me? I’d said. You’re s’posed to give me the toy ’cos I’m a girl.
Nah, Lukey had grinned. He’s mine. I’m gunna name him Mike Tyson.
Give it to me! I’d insisted.
You’re not my friggin’ gir
lfriend, Jez!
I guess even back then I was one of those stupid romantic types. I wanted kisses with snake-bite piercings and holding hands in front of a sunset, while everyone else wanted fucking and blow jobs.
Lukey followed my eyes to Mike Tyson. He leaned over on his knees and plucked the gorilla off the shelf.
‘You want to look after Mike Tyson for me?’ He held out the toy.
I shook my head. ‘Nah.’
‘Oh . . .’ Lukey looked down at the gorilla for a moment, and then chucked it to the corner of the room.
‘I better get going. I kinda ditched Laura at the New Year’s party.’
‘Party any good? I don’t reckon I’ll go, hey. Reckon I’ll just take off.’
I shrugged. ‘Pretty average.’
‘Well . . . Can I get a hug, at least? Even if you’re mad at me?’ My eyes spilled over with tears. ‘Fuck off,’ I managed to choke out as I leaned over to grab him around the waist. He stroked my head as I sobbed into the soft downy strands of hair that circled his belly button. I wanted him to hold me like that forever, like we were still kids, like that time we got our tongues pierced and we sat so close together it was like we became one. I wanted to beg him, Please don’t go . . . please don’t leave me here alone . . . please stay with me . . . please say you love me as much as I love you. But I didn’t say any of that. I lifted my head and wiped at the wet patch I’d left on his stomach.
‘Snotty.’ He half smiled.
‘Sorry ’bout that.’ I couldn’t even look at him, I felt like my heart might crumble into dust inside my chest.
‘Come visit?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Oh, hey, got something for ya.’ Lukey pulled his bedside table drawer open and pulled out a baggie of E. There were four white round pills inside. ‘Happy New Year’s,’ he said. ‘Last ones.’
‘Cheers, big ears.’ I tried to smile.
‘Not a wucka, motherfucker.’
I gathered my bag and rummaged in it till I found a stubbie and cracked it open.
‘One for the road,’ I explained to him, still unable to look at his face. ‘I’ll catch ya.’
‘See ya, Jez,’ he said quietly.
I waited until I got outside onto the street before letting my tears fall again and then I cried and cried and sucked on my stubby of beer like a baby on a bottle.
Snake Bite Page 21
