I pulled a face. Who did that? Arranged a dinner and then ate already. Wanker.
“And for you, madam?”
I wanted a starter. I wanted prawn puri, but now dickwad wasn’t having one, I wouldn’t either. Otherwise I’d be here even longer than I needed to be.
I studied the menu sucking on my lip. “I will have … let’s see … I’d like your Chef’s special: the garlic chicken, and garlic and coriander naan bread.”
Rav leaned over and whispered in my ear. “This is why you’re single.”
I gave him a dirty look. “This is a business dinner.”
“Oh, okay then. Food coming right up.” Rav scurried away.
“So, you say you ate already?” I asked him. “You might not want to arrange dinner with a woman if you’ve eaten beforehand.”
“It was just my regular O-neg,” he said. “Obviously without it, I’d die.” He showed me his teeth. “Are they a little red stained? That’s why I ordered a glass of red, it disguises the blood stains.”
I sighed.
“Look, Theo, can we just drop this whole you’re a vampire thing?”
“But I am a vampire.”
“No, you’re not. Vampires aren’t real.”
“I am.” He sat up straight. “How old are you?”
I folded my arms across my chest. “Not that it’s any of your business but I’m twenty-six.”
“Well I’m one hundred years your senior, so in this circumstance, I’m afraid you need to have some respect and believe me when I tell you that I am a vampire.”
I was about to get up and leave but Rav brought over a pickle tray and some poppadoms and I was weak.
“Fine, you’re a vampire.”
Theo breathed out a sigh of relief. “Usually at this point the woman leaves. Admit it. If you were a date, you would have left by now.”
“If I wasn’t hungry, I would have left.” I bit into a poppadom. “You might have to not tell people at first, maybe? So that they get to know you as a person before you confess your secret?”
“Hmmm. I don’t know.”
I met his cool gaze. “Look, let’s practice tonight. While we eat dinner, pretend you’re not a vampire, but a regular human guy.” I pointed. “Like Rav, a regular guy like Rav.”
“Rav is not a regular guy. Rav is a demon,” Theo replied. A crease appeared between his eyebrows. “How long have you lived in Withernsea? You are not very aware of your surroundings. I was told the people of Withernsea were like the undead. That’s why I stayed here.”
It was one thing to insult me. It was quite another to insult my hometown.
“Hey. Just because we’re a quiet seaside town does not mean you get to diss the people that live here.”
Theo turned to me and started to chuckle.
“Do you know I have to take regular classes to keep up to date with modern technology and language? I only learned diss in 2015. By the way, I very much like your outfit. You look dazzling, simply sensational.”
“Pardon?” I was still trying to catch up with the nonsense spouting from his mouth.
“I’m pretending to be a human male, so I’m complimenting your outfit.”
My jaw set. “Oh. You don’t actually like it then? You’re saying that because it’s expected of a human male?”
“Well, I preferred the attire of my day, when you could catch a glimpse of a lady’s bare ankle and think all your birthdays had come at once. Your outfit is quite acceptable though. The trousers are a little tight, but this is compensated by the flow of the top over your bottom. It clings over your breasts a little. Always remember, less is more. It creates lust in a man.”
“Are you quite finished?” I was gripping my knife so hard my knuckles had turned white.
“Yes, these Indian starters aren’t for me. I’m saving myself for my main course.”
Would it have been considered rude if I punched a potential client in the throat?
“Why do you think you haven’t already found the woman of your dreams? Do you think it might be your way with words?” I huffed.
His eyes dropped to the floor and his mouth downturned. “I don’t know how to approach a woman anymore. Once upon a time they wanted you to take charge. Now they want to be equal. My head’s all over the place with how to approach a date. I’ve had over one thousand girlfriends. I’m very jaded about the whole thing.”
One thousand girlfriends? He needed to be on The Bachelor, not the books of my dating agency. Okay, if he’d not found a wife in over one thousand girlfriends there was definitely something wrong with him – something more than him believing he was a vampire. Surely, there’d be at least one Withernsea woman desperate enough to overlook the fantasist behaviour and take Theo home to bed every night?
The smell of garlic permeated the air as our main courses were brought to the table. Theo didn’t flinch. I waited until Rav had left and tore off a piece of garlic naan. I threw it at his face to see if he had a reaction.
He reared back in his seat. “What are you doing?” Hmmm, a little reaction. Not sure the garlic touched him though. I took my fork and flicked some of my garlic chicken sauce at his hands. Once again, he leapt back, shaking his fingers. He picked up the water jug from our table and poured some over his hand.
Rav ran over. “Is everything okay?”
“Is it Indian culture to throw food at your friend while they eat?” Theo asked.
Rav turned to me and I looked away.
“Shelley?”
“I’m sorry, I have a small twitch.” I punched out my arm and wiggled it around. “Must have been a trapped nerve. It seems to be okay now.”
Rav leaned over again “This is why you’re sin-”
“I get it,” I snapped. “Tomorrow, I’ll book in for The Undateables and appear on TV, okay?”
“What is this Undateables?” Theo asked. “I don’t watch much TV. Just the news and Celebs Go Dancing.”
We took our seats again. Theo wiping his hands on his table napkin.
“Celebs Go Dancing?”
“Yes, I love watching the old-style dances and of course you have to support your own.”
I take a deep breath. “Go on.”
“Sophia is one of us. Can you not tell, with all that dark hair and eyeliner, plus the fact she never appears to age?”
“Sophia Coleman is a vampire?” I clarified.
“Yes. She bit Ken. That’s the real reason he retired as Head Judge last year.”
Help me God. Help me now. If the chicken hadn’t tasted so damn fine, I would have run for the hills. That and the fact that Theo was so pleasing on the eye. Jeez, I was that desperate for a bit of eye candy, I’d risk my life having a meal with a psychopath. I made a note to pick up an Undateables application form. They’d probably snap my hand off. A dating agency owner who could find love for everyone else but was all alone.
I began to feel guilty about the garlic incident. “Sorry about the food. Pass me your hand, let me check I didn’t harm you.”
Theo wiggled his wrist at me. “No harm done.”
“Ha. I knew you weren’t a vampire,” I spat.
“Pardon?”
“Garlic. It was a test. I touched you with garlic. You should have burned or something.”
Theo sat back in his seat, his eyes wide.
“That is folklore. Vampires do not react to garlic. But it concerns me that in order to check this fact you threw not one, but two items of garlic containing foodstuffs at me, knowing that the potential was there for me to burn. You would wish me harm? I have done nothing to deserve it.”
Theo pushed his chair further back. “I made a mistake coming here. I’m not sure I’m altogether safe in your company. You seem a little, well, insane.” He took his wallet out of his jacket pocket.
Vampire dude thought I was insane. Well there was an outcome I wasn’t expecting.
“Theo, I’m sorry. I didn’t really think it would do anything.”
“Then why try
?”
“I just wanted to show you that you weren’t a vampire.”
Theo stared at me. “I see.”
He insisted on paying the bill and escorted me outside. There was no one else around, but the number 46 bus was due on the half hour, so I intended to make my way to the bus stop around the corner.
“Would you like a lift home?” he offered. “You would have to make a vow to not try to cause me harm.”
“No, it’s fine. I’m sorry about the food throwing thing. It wasn’t very professional of me. Maybe you could call into the office tomorrow afternoon and I’ll go through your application with you then?”
“Do you have an appointment around five?”
Of course. He needed vampire hours. What was it about him that prevented me from telling him to get lost? It was like he had an allure. Yeah, Shelley. More like you have horny hormones. I was due on at any moment and always felt like I could mount my bedposts when I was like this.
In fact, was that a tell-tale trickle I felt? Well, that was a fitting end to this awkward evening; time to go to bed with a hot water bottle.
“Aaarrrgh.”
I turned to see what was the matter with Theo, perhaps he had a weak stomach for Indian spices? I froze in place—stunned—as right in front of me two fangs descended and his eyes went red.
“Aaarghhhhhhhhhh. You’re a vampire.” I screamed, turning on my heel and running as fast as I could towards the bus stop where I could see the number 46 in the distance.
Theo ran after me, catching up to me with lightning, unnatural speed. Before I knew it, he put me in his arms and ran with me. In what seemed like five seconds I was outside my door, trying my best to not vomit up my garlic chicken.
“What, the-?”
“What, the?” I repeated.
But when I turned around Theo was gone.
Chapter Three
Shelley
I unlocked the door of my two-bedroomed semi-detached home and staggered through to the sofa where I sprawled out. What the hell had just happened?
It was the wine; I had drunk most of a bottle. Or, Theo had spiked it!
But that made little sense because he’d brought me home and left me. Surely the point of spiking my drink would be to take advantage of me?
Hey, how did he know where I lived? OMG. Theo was a stalker!
But that made no sense either because if he was a stalker, he would have been hanging around here and work, wouldn’t he? Not meeting me in restaurants where everyone could see him.
There was no way he had fangs and red eyes.
I decided I must have fallen asleep on the sofa after meeting him. That would be it. I went out, had too much wine, Theo brought me to the door and then I’d had a bad dream. Seemed I need to stop watching Lucifer on TV before going to bed.
I rolled onto my back and stared at the ceiling. Right now, I didn’t feel the slightest bit drunk. In fact, I felt perfectly okay, except for thoughts of the weirdness of the evening out. I replayed what I’d seen in my mind.
Canines descending.
Eyes going red.
No fucking way. He must have put something in my drink. He’d got to have. I was having delusions.
I got his questionnaire out of my bag. It was only a quarter to eleven and in any case, if he was a vampire he’d be up all night, right?
I got his number from the papers and dialled him on my mobile.
“Hello?”
“Theo. It’s Shelley.”
“Shelley. Oh thank goodness you called. I thought it best I leave you but I wasn’t sure if I was doing the right thing. Are you okay? Are you in shock? Perhaps you could get yourself a cup of tea with a few sugars.”
“Theo. I’m going to come right out and say it. Did you spike my drink because I’ve had some weird hallucinations tonight?”
“Ah.”
“Ah...? Do you mean you did?”
“No.” He sighed. “I mean ah, you’ve done what everyone else does – enter into the stages of supernatural denial. ‘Oh, there must be some logical explanation. I didn’t really see his fangs and a flash of a red eye or two’. No, far more reasonable to suggest to the nice gentleman who took me for dinner that he drugged me.”
I sighed. “There’s no other explanation.”
“Other than the fact I’m a vampire.”
“I don’t think I can help you find a date or a wife, Theo, you’re not mentally stable.”
“You threw naan bread and curry at me to see if the garlic burned and now you’re accusing me of being a sicko who spiked your drink. Which one of us sounds like a lunatic?”
Damn. The twat had a point.
“The problem is that I’ve never met a supernatural person before and well, I just don’t believe in it. There has to be a logical explanation, like for instance your family have dental issues and there’s some weird genetic defect that makes your eyes look a funny colour, probably in a certain light.”
“Or, it could be that my vampire nose detected the sweet smell of blood coming from between your thighs and because it took me by surprise and my guard was down, your sweet perfume made my fangs descend.”
“Ugh. That’s the sickest thing I ever heard. Menstruation is not sexy.”
“I didn’t say it was. What I said, was the smell appealed to my vampire nature. I don’t and won’t ever drink that. It’s not pure.”
“And that’s the end of that conversation. I don’t know why I called. Why I expected anything you said to make any sense.”
“Yet you did call. Because one small part of you, Shelley, one small part deep inside you, wonders if I am telling the truth.”
I sat back against the sofa. Did I want this to be the truth? Maybe so. Maybe it would provide some excitement in my boring life. Yes, I had good friends here, but I didn’t have family around. I was adopted, and had never gotten along with my adoptive parents, not after they had a child naturally ten months later and made sure I knew that I wouldn’t have been adopted had that pregnancy test showed positive earlier than it did. Oh well, I was a career woman, I decided. I didn’t need a social life, or a man. Instead I’d carry on matchmaking for everyone else.
“Are you still there?”
Shit, I’d gone off into one of my ‘fuck you all, I don’t need anyone’ daydreams. Actually, if it was at night, shouldn’t it be called a nightdream?
“Look, Shelley, I’m going to Facetime you, and slowly show you my fangs again and this time you have to try not to freak out. Although you probably will. It usually takes a person three viewings before they believe they’re real. The third time they always want to touch them, like I’d want someone’s dirty fingers in my mouth.”
“A vampire who sucks people’s blood can’t deal with dirty fingers?” I scoffed.
“Hygiene is everything. For years now my blood has been delivered. It’s a long time since I had a woman who let me partake directly from the source.”
“So you don’t grab people from the street and drain them dry?”
“No, and I don’t sparkle either. Any more stereotypical questions in that head of yours?”
“You’d better Facetime me first.”
The call came through. I accepted and there he was on the screen. My core went slick at the sight of him. Traitorous hussy.
“Are you ready?” he asked.
Oh God, yeeeaaass, came from the inner workings of my mind which was no doubt colluding with said traitorous hussy core. Instead I went with a simple, “Yes.”
He looked into the camera and opened his mouth to show a row of perfectly normal teeth.
I was disappointed.
He caught my expression. “Hold on there a second, Shelley. I can’t just perform like that. I’m not a circus animal. Now let me get a drink.” He held a glass of what looked like tomato juice up to the camera, but I got a feeling it wasn’t tomato juice at all. I watched with morbid fascination as his fangs descended.
“Oh my God.”
I
slapped my hand over my mouth, careful not to drop the phone. “I’m sorry, blaspheming affects you, doesn’t it?”
“Here we go again. Let’s go over everything you think about vampires.”
“Okay. So, you can hear the word God, etc.”
“Yes, and I can say holy crap or anything like that.”
“Can you go into a church?”
“I hope so, cos I kind of want to get married, remember? Although I’d have to use a fake ID as they never believe I’m 126. I do look fantastic for my age.”
“Can a stake kill you?”
“Clarify. What sort? Steak meat or stake, stabby thing?”
“A stabby thing.”
“No, another piece of misinformation. It’s steak that can kill us. We have sensitive throats. It often gets stuck there and chokes my kind to death.”
“And garlic has no effect?”
“No, unless it’s in a fresh from the oven sauce and burns your skin.”
I bit my lip. “Uhhmm, sorry about that.”
“Just promise not to throw food at me again. Going forward.”
“Going forward?”
“I’m seeing you again at five tomorrow. Do I need to wear protective armour?”
I laughed. “No. You’ll be safe. From me at least.”
His fangs ascended, and he frowned. “Who might I not be safe from?”
“All the other women near where I work. You’re not exactly ugly.”
“I used to model you know?”
“You did?”
“Yeah, kept getting mobbed everywhere I went so had to fake my own death. That was Los Angeles in the 1950’s.”
“I can’t get my head one hundred percent around you being a vampire. Never mind that you would have lived a massively long life and have done and know so many things.”
“I have lots of experience,” he said, and he goddamn smirked.
Down girl, I told my pussy, and no I didn’t have a cat. Don’t let your mind go there. Don’t let your mind go there.
How many women has he slept with?
Can he have normal sex?
Does he only have one penis? What if vampires had two? Oh my word, the possibilities…
Supernatural Dating Agency - The Complete Collection (Books 1-6) Page 2
