“You’ve gone into a daydream again. I guess I’d better let you get some sleep,” he said.
“Yes, sleep. So, you won’t be sleeping yet?”
“No. I go to my room around 6am and then I’ll get up around 4pm. The whole sunlight thing is a crock of shit too. I don’t get badly burned. It's just that our body clocks are set for that time and to go against it can make us feel very ill.”
“So, dating wise you can only see a woman from 4pm to 6am?”
“Unless they come to my room. Although it wouldn’t be much fun for them as I’m dead to the world then. Or of course, if they’re a vampire themselves they could sleep with me, but that would only happen if things got serious.”
“And do you sleep in a coffin?”
At this he guffaws. “No, I don’t sleep in a coffin. I sleep in a perfectly normal, though King-sized bed, given my height. It has a lovely memory foam mattress. I do however, have top security in the room and lock myself in with windows and shutters. I’m vulnerable when I’m asleep.”
“What, someone might break in and stuff some pieces of steak down your throat?”
“Stranger things have happened to try to kill us in the past.” His expression became subdued.
“So, how can you die?”
“There’s a place we can go. You’re counselled and then if they agree with your decision to end your life, you say a secret incantation and you crumble to dust.”
“But can people kill you?”
“Why, was throwing naan bread not entertaining enough for you?”
I laughed.
“We can be killed but I’m not going to say how. The less people that know the better. No disrespect, but I barely know you.”
“I understand.”
“Time for bed now, Shelley.”
Oh my God, would he stop saying things like that? He had a low, growly voice that made it sound like a command.
I yawned. “Yes, time to call it a night. Thank you for showing me your fangs.”
“Do you believe me?” he asked, looking at me with a hint of vulnerability in his eyes.
“Right now, I believe you. In the morning when the wine has left my system and my rational mind has had time to dissuade me from the evidence, then I’ll probably need to put my filthy hands in your mouth.”
“Well, seeing as it’s you.” He winked.
I ended the call and made my way up to my room. My lovely double bed, just for me. An advantage of living alone. My mind conjured up an image of a six-foot-two-inch hunk laid there with his feet hanging off the edge. I shook my head to make the vision go away.
“Enough already,” I whispered. “We somehow have to find him a wife.”
I visited the bathroom then quickly undressed, put on my pjs and then dived under the duvet. Sleep claimed me in minutes.
“Shelley.”
I sat up in bed. Who shouted?
A woman with long dark hair with a white streak running through it sat in a golden chair at the end of my bed.
But I didn’t have a golden chair? And it was like, glowing.
“Shelley. Can you hear me?”
“Who are you?”
The woman clapped her hands. “Oh my God, can you hear and see me? At last! The curse is broken. You believe!”
“Who are you? What the hell are you talking about?”
“Sssh. Don’t say hell. She doesn’t like people using it to curse.”
“Who doesn’t?”
“Lucy.”
“This is the strangest dream I’ve ever had. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve had a mindfucking night already having potentially met a vampire and so if my mind could let me have a restful night’s sleep it would be much appreciated.”
“This isn’t a dream. I’m in your dream because I’m not on your plane, but I’m really here.”
“Yeah? And who are you?”
She looked sad. “I’m your mother.”
I bolted upright, sweat pouring from my forehead. Stupid dream. Meeting Theo had messed with my head. I was probably going to need therapy or something. Oh God, what if he was a figment of my imagination as well? Maybe I had gone well and truly insane. I picked up my phone to see what time it was and noticed I had a new message, sent thirty minutes before.
Theo: Just in case you wake up and wonder if it was all a dream…
Underneath was a photo of his fangs.
I was too tired to give it any more thought. I fell back to sleep and this time I didn’t have strange dreams about the supernatural or my parents.
Chapter Four
Shelley
A miracle had occurred. When I’d got to work Kim was already there, waiting, with a paper cup full of dark, delicious coffee on my desk and one in her hand.
“All messages taken care of. So, all you have to do is take a seat and tell me about Mr Dark and Delicious.”
Ah, she had an agenda. Figured. Couldn’t usually rouse her out of bed before 9:30am.
I slumped into the seat behind my desk and yawned.
Kim gasped. “Oh my God. Did you stay out all night? Was it love at first bite?”
I rolled my eyes. “Can you lower your voice, just a teeny tiny bit, only it’s too early for diva operatics.”
“God, what bit your arse, or rather did he not and you’re disappointed this morning?”
I rubbed at my face. “I didn’t sleep well. I had nightmares. Now, let me have a drink of my coffee and I’ll update you.”
Kim clapped her hands.
“I want deets. Every single detail of the evening.” She winked.
I sighed and took several large gulps of my drink.
“Okay, so write this down.” I indicated for Kim to pick up her pen and notepad.
“I. Am. A. Nosy. Bitch.”
“Hahahaha.” Kim tilted her head. “So, meal last night. What happened?”
“Well, basically it would appear that he is a vampire, but he has no aversion to garlic, which I found out when I threw some naan bread at him.”
I recounted the details of the meal and Kim shook her head. “Oh my God, Shelley, I’m surprised we don’t have a lawsuit on our hands this morning. You attacked a potential customer.”
I stared at her. “That’s all you have to say on the matter? Nothing about the fact he’s a vampire?”
“Oh, if he wants to think he’s one of the undead, as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone, what’s the harm? Might be a nice little kink for a boyfriend to have, actually. My neck’s quite an erogenous zone, a few little nips would be nice.”
“No. He is a vampire. He showed me his fangs.”
Kim huffed. “You’re being very silly this morning, Shelley. So, are we taking him on our books?”
“He’s coming in at five. I didn’t get a chance to go through the questionnaire.”
“Why not?”
“Because I was too busy trying to get him to admit to not being a vampire.”
“Oh, Shelley.” Kim tutted and once again shook her head. “We do very well at this agency, but there’s always room for growth. So he wants to live his life as a vampire. Where’s the harm as long as he doesn’t try to drain someone of their blood? There were three people living their lives as mermaids the other day on This Morning. They’d even done a course. One was a merman.”
“Well, prepare to be here until six, because we’re going through the questionnaire together. I want you to meet him and see what you think. I want a second opinion.”
“Stay behind to stare at a hottie for an hour. Gee, I’m not sure I can fit that in. What time’s he coming again? Phwoar o’clock?”
“Five.”
“I couldn’t think of anything that went with five.” Kim pouted, her dark fringe falling in her eyes.
“So, how was your evening, anyway? With the love doctor.”
A dreamy look settled on her face. “Oh, it was amazing. You see, he has a kink. He likes me to pretend I’m dead. I lay on the bed all corpse like and he reanimates me with
his magic wand.” She winked.
I made a retching noise and pretended to heave. “Jesus Christ, Kim. That’s not normal.”
“You need to get laid. I bet you’ve only ever done the missionary position. You’d have to lie really flat on your back with that stick stuck up your arse.”
“I’m not going to respond to that.”
“Cos it’s true. I’m going to quiz old True Blood to see if he’d like to take a bite out of you.”
“You’ll stick to the questionnaire and behave yourself. I’m not part of the system as you well know. How unprofessional would it be to put myself in the algorithm?”
“Shut up. Put yourself in when you get a spare five minutes. I do. It’s just I have so many dates I don’t need to use the info. Who matches up with you, show me. We’ve got time.”
“No.”
“God, you’re no fun today at all.”
I looked at the floor.
“Oh my God. Does no one match up with you? Is that it? You’re far too choosy, Shelley. If you don’t change you’re going to be alone forever and your fanny is going to heal up.”
I place my hands over my ears.
“You can go to your office now. Go deal with the new clients. My ears are bleeding.”
She left and I welcomed the silence. I fired up my laptop. Four new applications had come in since Kim had been in here.
I heard her door bang, and she rushed into my office. “Have you seen the new applications?”
“I’ve only just put my laptop on, Kim. You’ve only been out of the office four minutes.”
“Well, it seems that True Blood is recommending you to his mates,” she said, her eyes going wide as she smiled.
“You need to stop calling him that. His name is Theo.”
“Anyway, open the first email.” She beckoned for me to get a move on.
Name: Darius Wild
Supporting information: Wolf shifter (also known as werewolf)
Name:Dominic Moore
Supporting information:Demon
Name:Isaac Renshaw
Supporting information:shifter (bear)
I didn’t bother to open the last one, scared of what I would find. Either someone was having a rather large laugh at my expense, or Withernsea, and indeed the world around me, weren’t what I thought they were.
“See, True Blood’s obviously told his kinky friends about us. He’s good for business,” Kim said. “We just need to hope that the women of Withernsea are up for some role play!”
I immersed myself in work and debated whether I believed Theo to be a vampire. I went back to thinking he was a magician or a theatre prop person. The fang trick was obviously very clever makeup. Fancy me believing he was a real-life vampire! I really needed to quit watching Twilight repeats just to ogle Jasper.
Kim brought the post through. On the top lay a bright red envelope with my name written in a swirly font. “I’ve not opened that one cos it looks like a personal invitation.”
“Thank you,” I told her and put the post on my desk.
“Aren’t you going to open it?”
I folded my arms across my chest. “So you’ve not opened it for my privacy but you want me to open it while you’re here so you can see what it is?”
“Well, duh?” She took a seat.
Give me strength.
I opened the envelope and took out the card within. A large, dead spider fell out, and I screamed and pushed my chair back.
“Oh my fucking God. Who would do that?”
“It’s almost Halloween. It’s obviously a fake spider and a Halloween party invite. For God’s sake I’ll read it, you’re hopeless,” she said, grabbing the card.
As she read it, the blood drained from her face.
“What is it?” I asked.
She passed the card to me. Inside it read:
Stay away from things that don’t concern you in Withernsea. We were all okay as we were. Refuse to help Theo or you may find yourself dead either way.
“It’s a death threat! You need to call the police,” yelled Kim.
“Don’t be stupid. It’s obviously a prank. Either that or a patient from the psychiatric hospital Theo, no doubt, was an in-patient at, has escaped. I’ll be extra vigilant but I’m sure it’s nothing. I’m not going to take Theo on the books anyway, so no harm done.”
“Well, I’m bringing a rounders bat into the office from now on and we all know the only sports I do are water ones.” Kim huffed and turned to leave. “If we get any more threats, I’m phoning the police, and that’s the end of it.”
“Fine.” I held my hands up. “If there are any more, we’ll phone the cops. Jeez.”
Theo arrived promptly at 5pm and Kim introduced herself and indicated he should take a seat opposite me. I remained behind my desk, but Kim decided to seat herself next to him. He moved his chair about a foot away from her and she scowled.
“Sorry,” he said. “You smell a little of magic and I find it overpowering. It gives me a headache.”
“Oh, I’m wearing Miss Dior, actually,” Kim said haughtily. “Magic must be a knock-off version. I’m not into copies, I like originals.”
He looked back at her strangely and then at me. I shook my head at him and mimed the word ‘no’. He shrugged and sat back in his chair.
“Okay. So, first of all, would you like a drink?” I asked him.
“No, I had some refreshment before I came here,” he said, and I noted the slight pink tinge to his cheek. Oh-kay then.
“You smell as well,” Kim said. “Like you’ve been around pigs or something.” She turned her nose up.
“I called at a local farm for my refreshment today. My apologies,” he said to her.
“Right, well, if we could get on with going over these questions.” I tapped into my screen. “Okay, so I might have to change a few of these answers, with your consent, of course, just to make the algorithm work better.”
“Whatever you feel necessary. As long as ultimately, I find a wife, I have no objections.”
“So, your full name is Theodore Robert Landry and your date of birth 1 January 1891, making you 126.”
“That is correct.”
“Well, my system won’t work with anyone over the age of 100, so I’ll change that to 1 January 1981, making you 36, which is an optimum age.
“There’s nothing I need to change about your appearance.” I looked over the section.
Kim snorted.
“What is it, Kim?” I asked, starting to wish I’d not asked her to sit in.
“No disrespect, Theo, but you look like you’ve not seen sunlight in decades.”
“I haven’t.”
“Look, it might go with the whole, ‘I’m a vampire’ thing, but it’s going to put women off. You need a nice glow. Shelley, give me that makeup palette you bought.”
“No!”
Theo raised his hand. “Actually, if it can make me look healthier, I wouldn’t mind trying it.”
I ran my hands through my hair while Kim helped herself to the palette from my handbag. Maybe I should make an appointment to see the GP tomorrow and get some psychiatric pills for delusions, and opiates for my nerves. Because it did appear that my assistant was giving a vampire a makeover in front of me.
She held the mirror part of the palette up to him and he moved his head from side to side as he stared in it. “Oh my goodness, this is amazing. Where can I get one of these? I need to purchase one immediately I leave here.”
“I thought vampires didn’t have reflections?” I asked.
“Stereotyping still?” He shot back.
“The palettes are from Ebony’s downstairs. Have you got thirty quid? I’ll go fetch you one.”
He took the money from his wallet, gave it to her and sat back in his chair. “This is going to transform my life,” he said. “Could I just put this palette on my Instagram while we wait for Kim to come back?”
I shrugged my shoulders. “Sure, why not? Maybe tweet it too.�
��
“Oh, my kind don’t do Twitter. We’re far too wordy. Can’t possibly say everything we want to divulge in less than 140 characters. Entirely impossible.” He held up the palette. “Take this for example. I need to describe the feel, the tones, the wonderful packaging, where it’s from, how best to apply.”
“Okay, I get the picture,” I said, just as Kim returned to the room.
“Okay, Boss. Carry on,” she said.
“So, you mention in your application that you used to live on a farm but now live on Sea View Road. However, you mention some trouble with the police calling round to see you?”
Theo sighed. “I want my birthplace back. I was happy there, and it’s possible that the spirits of my family might hang around there, what with them having such traumatic deaths.”
“When you drained them of their blood?” I clarified.
“It happens a lot with the first thirst. My sire should have protected me, but my father had been eating a juicy rare steak when he broke in.”
“Let me guess, your sire choked?”
“He did. Leaving me alone and unfortunately meaning my family were no more. I didn’t know then that I could have fed from at least one of them and brought them back to life.”
“Wow, you are really great at this vamp shit.” Kim pushed his arm. “You ever thought about being an actor? I reckon you’d win awards.”
“I did that from 1926 to 1930,” Theo said. “Learning lines gets boring after a while.”
“You are such a hoot. Isn’t he a laugh, Shelley?”
I raised my eyebrows. “He’s something.”
“Okay, Theo. So my suggestion while we try to find you a wife is for you to step back from your ongoing pursuit of the farm.” Theo looked ready to protest, so I raised my hand. “Just until we get you a wife and then you could tell her about the farm. I mean, she might not want to live on one and then all your efforts would be for nothing. She might like a simple two-up, two-down with central heating and a patio.”
“Fine. I suppose I could desist for a few weeks.” Theo huffed.
Supernatural Dating Agency - The Complete Collection (Books 1-6) Page 3
