Supernatural Dating Agency - The Complete Collection (Books 1-6)

by Andie M. Long

  Kim’s eyes flashed yellow and she let out a small growl. “I have three wolves inside me. Three. And do not poke the beast. I’m in protective mama mode and likely to change and bite your head off.”

  “So basically no different to before you became a wolf?” Lucy drolled, giving me a wink. I sniggered.

  “You might laugh. All of you. And I said ‘poke the beast’ so now I’m imagining shagging my husband.”

  I turned to Lucy. “She’s going through the whole book of innuendo. Mama bear is horny, but her body says no.”

  “I bet you’ve been boned by Frankie over and over while you’ve been on your trip.”

  “Kim, as my fiancé is your ex, I am not entering into conversation with you about this. Now I suggest you go home tonight, assume a Jabba the Hutt like position and ask your husband to do something with you, so that we can work the rest of this two week period without hearing you moan, in a non-sexual way.”

  “You said ‘entering’.”

  Lucy turned to me. “I’m going to my office. I’ll make a start on Kim’s emails and work because I doubt she’s done anything so far today other than think of sex. Is there anything in particular we need to focus on today?”

  “Yes. Gosh, in all the excitement about my bloody adoptive parents being idiots—I’ll fill you in on that later, Lucy—I forgot. We have two people on our books who are apparently destined to be together. We have to do the rare thing of getting a human and a supernatural together on a date.”

  “You said ‘fill you in’.”

  I ignored Kim before I punched a pregnant woman in the jaw. “So, it’s time to arrange a date for Jax and, dare I say it? Tristan.”

  “Halleefreaaakkiinnnglluuuujaaaahhhhh.”

  “Has she just come?” asked Lucy.

  I tilted my head to stare at Kim. “She is very enthusiastic about our friend’s date.”

  “No. You just mentioned Tristan. And just like that my libido switched right off. He’s the key to me getting through the next few weeks. All I have to do is think of that rotten Pixie with his small appendage. How’s that going to work anyway? I know Jax is small, but Lucy said she really could hardly see it. Unless you’ve a bucket down there, babes. Has the train passed through the tunnel so many times it needs maintenance? Designer vaginas are still a thing, Luce.”

  “His penis was like a cocktail sausage, and I’ve never developed a taste for those. I don’t know what she’ll do.”

  “Seems kind of cruel, Shelley, to set her up with a large knob with a small knob.”

  “It’s what Ebony saw in a vision, and Jax said they danced at the wedding reception and he was nice to her.”

  “Can’t have been him.” Lucy said.

  “We’re setting them up and leaving it in the hands of fate.” I looked from one to the other of my employees. “Okay. Go get the date set up. Let’s work like demons—no pun intended, Lucy—until lunchtime, and then I’ll treat you all to a cheese toastie followed by a chocolate doughnut at Jax’s.”

  “And coffee.” They said simultaneously.

  “That goes without saying. Okay, gang, Let’s help the residents of Withernsea find love.”

  I followed Lucy out of Kim’s office. She headed off towards her small office and I went to mine. Powering up my computer, I smiled. What an amazing job I had, matchmaking for lonely people. We had a fantastic success rate, and the business continued to go from strength to strength. And as tiring as Kim and Lucy could be, they did get the job done—in Kim’s case by the skin of her teeth. Due to a deal with Satan I couldn’t match-make supernaturals, only humans. Although that Satan wasn’t around anymore so I should check with Angel Sophia sometime if my deal still stood.

  I thought about my sister and Drake. That was another human/supe combination. If only the two—humans and supes—could live in peace and harmony, and people like Mark and Debbie Linley could cease their prejudice and stereotyping. At least we were headed in the right direction. I vowed there and then that the course of true love would run smooth and that Polly and Drake, and Jax and Tristan would get their happy ever afters if it killed me.

  Then I remembered I was already dead.

  Oh well, it was the thought that counted.

  Samara wasn’t around today, and with Ebony away too, today’s lunch group consisted of me, Kim, Lucy, Charlie, and Polly.

  As we walked in, we noticed there was a new barista behind the counter. This one was a bearded hunk with arms like tree trunks, and tattoos. Jax came rushing over.

  “Have you seen the new guy? Oh my god he is so damn hawt. He can hardly make hot water though. I’m having to teach him everything, but who cares when he looks like that?”

  “Jax. Aren’t you supposed to employ someone who can actually, you know, help?” I queried.

  “Oh he’s getting the hang of it quick enough, but no. We had six applicants and I picked the male hottie because I’m the boss and very, very single. And he happened to drop into conversation that he’s single too.”

  “Well, as it happens, if you check your email, you’ll see you have a date with a pixie called Tristan.”

  Jax’s eyes lit up. “I do? Cool.”

  “You have heard my story about when I met Tristan and had a one-night stand with him, haven’t you?” Lucy reminded her. “You know, where we were having sex and I didn’t know because I couldn’t feel anything because his penis was so small.”

  “Oh, sex isn’t everything, and anyway, I need to get to know him first. I’m sure if Ebony thinks he’s my ‘one’ and it turns out he is that somehow everything will magically align.”

  Kim snorted.

  “In a fate kind of way Mrs Saucypants. Anyway, in the meantime, I can practice all my flirting skills with Bartholomew.”

  My jaw dropped. “Bartholomew? That’s the new guys name?”

  “Yes. I asked if I could call him Bart but he got a bit uppity about the whole thing. Said he was christened Bartholomew, and that’s how he would like to be addressed. He looked even sexier when he went mean and moody so who cares.”

  “What’s his surname?” Lucy asked.

  “Simpson.” Said Jax. “Right, what drinks am I getting everyone?”

  When she’d left to fix the orders, Lucy fixed me with a look. “Jax is beyond naïve. We need to look out for her while she dates Tristan. We all know what an asshole he is. If he fucks her about in any way except the good type, I’ll get Rav to set his hair on fire.”

  “You’re a good friend and I’m sure she’d appreciate the offer, but it’s Jax’s life and we shall leave well alone.” I raised an eyebrow in warning.

  “So you’re not going to get Theo to run Bartholomew’s details through every check known to man?”

  She’d got me there.

  I sighed. “We can’t take any risks after Seth. With Charlie working next door, I have to be sure the staff in the neighbourhood are checked thoroughly.”

  “I’ll check him thoroughly.” Kim said, her tongue almost hanging out.

  The door flung open making us all jump, and in strode Tristan followed by his six strong entourage. Someone was going to have to tell him about that number, and that someone certainly wasn’t going to be me.

  He marched up to the counter, turning to one of the other pixies.

  “Pass me the flowers then. Don’t make me look a fool.”

  Jax was staring at him with a bemused expression on her face. “Hello, Tristan.”

  “My Lady. He gave a bow which given that he couldn’t see that far over the counter in the first place, meant he’d have been fantastic in a game of hide and seek. Standing back up, he passed the bouquet to Jax. It was almost as large as he was. Jax was around two inches taller than him. It was like The Borrowers had their own reality show.

  “Thank you, Tristan. They are beautiful.”

  “I received word that we are to go on a date together Wednesday evening. I would like to pick you up, shall we say eight pm, and I shall take you out to dinner
?”

  “That sounds wonderful.”

  “Perfect. Right, now who are you?” Tristan scowled at Bartholomew.

  “He’s the new barista.”

  “Not any more he’s not. On your way. I don’t have men anywhere near my girlfriends, so hop on.”

  Jax’s face turned puce, and she stomped around towards Tristan.

  “Now, listen here, shrimp. I am not your girlfriend. We just have a date scheduled. One I can cancel. I suggest instead of coming here lording it over my staff, you go away and work on how to woo me some more, because a bunch of flowers doesn’t cut it. Bartholomew stays because I say so. Now run along.”

  Tristan stood stock still, and we all waited for him to explode with his usual temper.

  “God, you’re amazing. I shall see you Wednesday at eight pm and you won’t regret it.” With that he marched back out of the cafe.

  “What just happened?” Lucy stared from me to Kim and back again.

  “I have absolutely no idea. Perhaps he has a brain tumour, and it’s affecting his personality, making him nice?” It was the only answer I could think of.

  Jax brought our coffees and toasties over and Bartholomew carried over the chocolate doughnuts. “Nice to meet you.” I said to him holding out my hand. “Likewise,” he said in a high-pitched girly voice.

  Kim sat back in her seat with a frustrated sigh. I guessed that had just broken her fantasies. Now I knew why the guy was still single.

  Theo was up by the time we arrived back home and he had fixed dinner—O-neg and spag bol. I didn’t blame my sister when she double-checked it was tomato sauce in the Bolognese.

  We brought him up to date with the latest news.

  “So what time are we setting off tomorrow? It will of course have to be after four pm.”

  “You don’t have to come, Dad. We’re perfectly okay.”

  “Is there a chance you’ll bump into the merman?”

  “Probably not. The sea is a vast space, Daddy, so I doubt we’ll cross paths.”

  “Phone.” Theo held out his hand.

  “What?”

  “Pass me your phone.”

  “The battery has run out.”

  “That’s okay. I’m a technological whizz and I have this thing called a charger. Phone.”

  Charlie huffed, took it out of her pocket and passed it to her father.

  He pressed a few buttons and read aloud, mimicking Charlie’s accent followed by a male one.

  “Hey, Kai. I’m popping through tomorrow. Yes, that’s right, we’re visiting under the sea. Duke Brishon to be exact. Any chance you’ll be around?” He clears his throat. “Kai: yes that would be amazing. Do you think you’ll get a break so I can show you around where I live? My lying traitorous daughter: Sure, I can make an excuse. See you tomorrow.” He passed her phone back to her. “That’s why I shall be there.”

  Charlie’s eyes narrowed. “There’s no wonder you were single for 126 years. You’re such a barrel of laughs.”

  He smiled at her, letting his fangs descend. “I shall be pleased to meet Kai again.”

  “Oh my god, Dad, you are just so… so… lame!” Charlie got up from the table and stomped off upstairs.

  “Oh the joys of seven-month-old children.” I said sarcastically. Then I turned to Theo. “You do realise in a few months when she turns twenty body-wise and brain-wise, we will have to let her pursue Kai if that’s what she wants?”

  “My baby. My actual seven-month-old, is a teenager. I’m still processing, and yes, when she’s grown again, I will try to come to terms with it all, along with her ruling of Withernsea and all the rest of it. But right now, I’m getting to play Dad of a teenager and I’m going for it.”

  “Are you sure you don’t want a lovely human male for yourself, Polly, so you can just live a normal existence?” I shook my head.

  Polly grinned. “Normal is overrated.”

  “Speaking of your loved one. Frankie sent me an email this afternoon that described the Siren. I had thought like many others that sirens could only be female, but it appears I was wrong. Has he sung to you? Are you sure you’re not just under his spell?”

  “No, he hasn’t. He explained to me that only the female sirens, of which there are many, can captivate and cause chaos with their beauty and their voices. Drake is an anomaly, born to a siren mother and Brishon—who is a merman like Kai. Where his father develops a fish tail under the water, Kai displays bird like feet and wings, like his mother. And he can’t sing a note. His mother birthed him and then left him with Brishon. She couldn’t be tied to one place, it wasn’t in her nature. Sometimes though when he sleeps he dreams of her singing him lullabies in her melodic voice.”

  “Oh, poor Drake.” I took a drink of my blood. “So, I can work as normal tomorrow, albeit finish a little earlier. “We’ll set off at five pm and see what the Duke has in store for us.

  “I’m sorry that I’ve dragged you into this mess, Shelley. I know you’re forever having to have my back and one day I promise I’ll return the favour somehow.”

  “It’s what family’s for.” I told her, giving her a reassuring squeeze of her hand. She’d not been staying here with us long, but I was already enjoying having her around without our parents’ ever watchful eyes.

  “Can I ask you something?” Theo looked at my sister, absentmindedly stroking his chin with a finger.

  “Sure.”

  “Why had you not left home before now? You’re twenty-four years of age. You had a job. Why stay?”

  Polly chewed her lip while she considered her answer. “I guess I was scared to go. Until Drake, I’d not met anyone I truly cared about and for all of their over-protectiveness, I had a warm place to sleep and was well fed and cared for. I had no real reason to rebel. I was saving up to get my own place when I met Drake. It was after I mentioned maybe moving out sometime, that my parents spoke of me getting a house near them and I realised their over-protectiveness wasn’t going to end. They were trying to tell me where to live. I started to feel stifled, the house claustrophobic. Just being here these last couple of days has shown me how much they controlled me. Telling me when to go to my own room. What to wear. Everything. I did it for a quiet life, but now I can see it made them even more controlling because I let them get away with it. I can’t go back.”

  “We’ll find a way, Polly.” I told her. “Now you have the whole evening to yourself, so what do you want to do?”

  “Well…”

  And that’s how I found myself an hour later in my pyjamas in the living room. Blankets, duvets, and pillows surrounded us, along with bowls of popcorn. Polly had chosen some films to watch and had made me bring down a selection of nail varnishes and nail files.

  “I always wanted a slumber party with my sister. All my friends with sisters did it.” Polly informed me.

  “Well, now we are doing. Aged twenty-four and twenty-seven.” I raised an eyebrow.

  Theo knocked on the door and came in bearing two bottles of vintage wine. “I shall check on you later before dawn, where I fully expect to find two intoxicated females snoring.”

  “Thanks for letting me borrow your wife, Theo.” Polly smiled at him.

  I guffawed with laughter.

  “Yes. The chances of me having a say in the matter are as indicated by your sister’s laughter. However, did she need my permission, she would have been given it.”

  “Darling, you say the most romantic things.” I leapt up and kissed his cheek.

  “I’ll leave you to it.” He replied.

  Charlie was out with Alyssa and I’d called her and told her that even though she might want to come and join us, I’d appreciate it if we could be left alone just this once to be able to talk to one another. We’d been skirting around the issue of our upbringing and the time had come to get things out in the open.

  “Did you carry on sneaking out of the house once I’d left?”

  “Yeah. I couldn’t do it very often though because someone would h
ave been bound to tell the folks they’d seen me sneaking off down the street, so I only did it when there was a great party happening.”

  “I apologise, Polly. I’d never seen it from your point of view. All I noted was all the attention you got, and the new clothes, and the pony, etc.”

  “I don’t even like horses, Shelley.”

  “I bet if we’d have had chance we’d have gotten along really well. Our parents have a lot to answer for.” I sipped my wine slowly.

  “Well, we’ll just have to make up for it now, won’t we?”

  “Absolutely, and the first thing we’re going to do is make sure that you can date whoever you want. I think Mark and Debbie Linley have had enough sway over our lives so far. It’s time for the kids to revolt.”

  Chapter Seven

  Shelley

  I dressed in my usual jeans and a tee shirt, to find everyone else in their best clothes.

  “You can’t meet your subjects dressed like that.” Theo looked horrified, being Mr Etiquette himself.

  “The minute I arrive, they are going to throw sea water at me, so what’s the point in me making an effort?” His sour glance had me rolling my eyes and heading back upstairs to put on a nice dress.

  Eventually we left and made our way to the beach where we’d be escorted into the depths of the sea.

  “How does this even work?” Polly asked looking out over the beach. “How do we get in there, breathe, etc?”

  “Did Drake not tell you this stuff?” I asked her.

  “He said that the residents of the sea were bound by an oath not to disclose their secrets to anyone who had not visited.”

  “Everything is always an oath, a treaty, or some other puzzle with these people.” I complained.

  “Patience, daughter.” My father said tapping my shoulder. “You’ll find out soon enough because their vehicle is just pulling up on the beach.”

  We all looked on the beach. There was nothing there.

  “Dad, I think you might have had a touch too much sun today.”