Commencement
Page 78
Jim went into the 24-hour bodega on the corner a few blocks down from his house. Jim had been frequenting this particular store for a few weeks now. He always came after work on Fridays. That had been his plan when he started. Only on Fridays. Now it was late Sunday night and Jim found himself headed toward the spot.
That voice was bothering him again. Especially after he had started seeing Callie. He had only meant to drop by to see if they were cool about everything and to bring her a Christmas present. Then he ended up in the same position he had been in before, only this time he couldn’t fool himself because he wasn’t that drunk. Then came more promises she forced him into. Now he would have to see her more often, which Jim did not relish. Their relationship made him feel ashamed and guilty, and whenever he felt this way, the voice would come back. He should have just kept it at quick phone calls like he had been doing for the past few weeks, but she sounded so desperate that he couldn’t help but be concerned. Jim knew the pain she was going through because he was feeling the same way at times and he thought it wouldn’t have been a bad idea to have some company to commiserate with. But it just led to the voice getting louder and filling Jim with more anxiety about his future.
When Jim entered, the place was empty. There were dusty bags of chips lining the shelves along with old boxes of cereal and instant mashed potatoes, whose packages had faded to another color. Jim passed all these and went to the plexiglass counter.
“Let me get some wraps”, was Jim’s coded request to the guy at the counter.
“To the back, man.”
Jim went to the back of the store and stood near a little door that looked as if it were part of the wall. The man came through and Jim handed him some money and the man handed him a bag. Jim stuffed the bag in his pocket and quickly walked out of the store into the street. Since it was late, there weren’t that many people about. Jim decided to duck onto a side street. He frantically took the bag out of his pocket and pulled out one of the joints inside. He put it to his mouth and lit it. He inhaled deeply and let the smoke fill his lungs. He could feel his burdens begin to lighten themselves as the smoke passed through his nose and mouth.
Just as the beers had lost their effectiveness, so had the hard liquor. Jim reasoned within himself that at least he wasn’t drinking as much anymore. The marijuana would help him get rid of his dependence on alcohol. And it’s not like he did this all the time. In the past three weeks since he had started, he’d only had three or four joints. He didn’t even smoke them all the way through – just enough to get his head straightened out, so he could wind down.
“Do you think you’ll be in any condition to drive a train tomorrow morning?”
Jim responded by taking another drag. Then another. He kept on until he couldn’t hear that voice any more. Then he put out the joint with his fingers and put the rest of it back in his little plastic bag which he deposited into the inside pocket of his jacket. Then he walked back home to his apartment.
All at once Jim began to feel hopeful. What had he been worried about? His life was headed in the right direction. They couldn’t really do anything to him on his job. After all, he was in the TWU. The worst thing his bosses could do to him was to suspend him. And every man needed a woman at hand every once in a while to fulfill those needs. It’s not like Callie wasn’t down. She knew the risks. And those old phantoms from the past, they were long gone. There was no need to worry about them. Besides, he didn’t need a bunch of people hanging around him all the time with their nosy selves interfering in his personal business. He was better off flying solo the way he was. If he wanted to, he could go out and make new friends who were down with the new program he had for himself.
Sixty-One